To ask my son for a refund?

It is too much too fast - no wonder it didn't work out.

No, don't ask him for the money, of course

Don't go, don't ask for your son to refund you cash.

Lesson learned, people don't want others underfoot longer than a few hours. Nobody actually needs help after a baby, imo. Extra people are a huge burden.

When you live on the other side of the world, not being there for more than a few hours isn't possible is it. For a start it takes 24 hours to get to Perth, the other side of Aus. is an additional 5 hours.

If there is to be any hope at all of the relationship becoming better again, you need to be very careful now.

As you cannot get a refund, I would, in your place, change the length of my stay to a week at the most, and stay in a B&B or cheap hotel.

Write now and explain that this is what you are thinking of doing, as you cannot cancel and get a refund. Ask when it would suit them that you come, and whether they would be all right with two visits from you in the course of the week.

Asking them to help out financially if you decide to cancel the trip entirely, is IMO a very bad idea - it suggests to them that you feel you have done nothing wrong and that they have.

Obviously you want to see your grandchild, but frankly, I would cancel the trip and later suggest going next year. At 3 months she is not goingto know you, or remember your visit.

At a year or 18 months she might.

Better to keep your options open, by using Skype or some other form of digital media right now, and perhaps visit or have them visit you later.

Smileless2012

When you live on the other side of the world, not being there for more than a few hours isn't possible is it. For a start it takes 24 hours to get to Perth, the other side of Aus. is an additional 5 hours.

Of course the trip takes time, doesn't mean people want others underfoot longer than a normal 3-4 hour visit. Hotels have been invented.

We didn't want others in this house longer than an hour or two when I had babies. Who does that? I wanted to rest and get back on my feet -- not serve other people tea and cake. Same with our daughters, we visited for a very small time, and left whilst everyone was still happy!

This is the perfect storm of bad decisions - please do not put yourself in a precarious financial situation for something like this

A visit is a want, bring able to afford to pay your bills is a must

If the ticket is “flexible” can you use it to go elsewhere? If you can’t use it in some way accept the loss.

3 weeks with relatives is too much unless you know them all really well. 2 or 3 nights is our rule, it’s a shame it didn’t work out but if you attempted it after the baby was born it would likely have been worse.
Personally with a new baby all I ever wanted was help when I asked for it, otherwise stay out of the way, certainly not a relative asking to help every day

This is a sad situation .
It was very nice of them to buy you a ticket , but unreasonable of them to expect you to be out for six hours a day .

It isn't easy staying with in laws on both sides .

I know that my daughters ex - partner loathed the sight of me .
He was angry that my daughter (who enjoyed my visits) told me to leave some essential clothing so that I wouldn't have to struggle with it on the coach on my next visit .
At one point , he locked me out of the cottage ( which was never locked during the day ) and I was soaked to the skin in a storm .
A neighbour rescued me .
On my last visit , he walked out after the first supper spent together and disappeared for a week . We didn't know where he was .
During my visits , I'd shop , clean , cook and garden as asked so my daughter was grateful for the help .
Strangely , he loved my cooking !

Unable to tolerate his behaviour and exhausted from running a home and working full time -my daughter finally left him .

In the past , I have found my mother in law's visits intolerable .
My sister in law both said the same thinug -that she expected to be waited on hand and foot and never stopped criticising and carping .
I particularly hated her giving my husband a hypercritical summary of my day .

My mother made herself extremely useful on visits , but was easily upset and offended .
I was embarrassed by her drinking excessive amounts of alcohol .

I wouldn't ask for a refund from your son .
Send small gifts , which you can afford and wish to send .

It's their home and baby .

The OP can't afford to pay out for alternative accommodation Norah. Of course the trip takes time well that's an understatement.

Fortunately for some parents/GPs their adult children and their partners are more accommodating. They recognise it was their choice to move so far away and that it's an arduous and expensive trip for parents to make, one that for many is only possible every 2 or 3 years or once in a life time.

My friend has the same problem, DD wanted her to go over to help her with the birth last spring. She went over for the birth and returned home only to be asked to go back again early autumn for 3 months but stayed in an airb&b, as her sil didn’t like her staying in their home. She did because her DD needed help but it is costing an arm and a leg.

Well I'm going against the grain herë and saying surely they could have managed another week if the first two had gone OK? Just grinned and put up with it for one more week . And if you emigrate to Australia you have to expect the inconvenience of visitors staying a couple of weeks as part of it ? I prefer staying in a b and b when I visit my GC but we're not paying for a flight to Australia ! Well that's just my view . If they know a nice air b and b place nearby maybe they should pay for that for you for the next few xmases and birthdays?

Smileless2012

The OP can't afford to pay out for alternative accommodation Norah. Of course the trip takes time well that's an understatement.

Fortunately for some parents/GPs their adult children and their partners are more accommodating. They recognise it was their choice to move so far away and that it's an arduous and expensive trip for parents to make, one that for many is only possible every 2 or 3 years or once in a life time.

Not well thought out in advance, on either side, son did buy a 3 week ticket. Three weeks is quite a long time to be underfoot.

Perhaps the ticket for 3 months old baby should have been for a short time. Last we flew to Aus for business we only stayed 4 nights.

Apart from the solution leaving their home 6 hours a day, which could work well, going on walks - something else unexplained has gone wrong.

Nobody has to explain or self reflect, of course.

I agree with you Soozikini.

I honestly don't see how going out alone for 6 hours a day could work well for anyone Norah.

Yes, I know. I'd written 3 weeks in error. I'd then tried to explain my error to you - but the post disappeared.
Thank you everyone for your insights, which I've found very helpful (if harsh, from a couple of you!) Yes, Smileless2012 - I am alone, so thank you for understanding my reluctance (and my inability - I have osteoarthritis) to walk around for 6 hours a day! And for understanding the financial implications of an air bnb for 3 weeks!
I'll suggest transferring the ticket to my son, but I can almost see his screwed up face - as he will only travel with Emirates, and it's not an Emirates flight!

It is difficult staying with people and also having people to stay. A few days I could manage but any longer would be straining. Perhaps if you had taken a few trips sight seeing, it would have been less difficult for you. Was DS working when you were there? Nowadays many new parents don't want to see anyone in the first month or so after baby is born (even if they live close by) so it might be a similar thing in Australia. It's confusing re the dates as you said baby would be 3 weeks but now saying 3 months? Even at 3 months, a visit of 3 weeks is a long time to be with a new family so staying in a hotel, motel or airBnB might be better. Both our DDs were happy with our help in the house and with the babies and toddler but we are a very close family. I'm not sure that my DS partner would want as much help but we would wait and see. She has a volatile relationship with her own Mum who lives several hours away. Just take your lead from them. FaceTime is great - though children often wander off after a few sentences but you can read stories, do simple games etc. Try to grin and bear it and it will be worth it in the end.

Sooziniki, yes! Exactly! That's exactly what I thought - and my friends / other son, completely agree!
Norah, I have explained it all. No need for more self reflection - I have done NOTHING but, since I returned home! Didn't you read that my son had told me that I'd done or said nothing wrong?!!!

You're welcome Jack.

I know how expensive Air B&B's and hotels are in Aus. as we've used both when travelling around with our son. Even without knowing you have osteoarthritis, to expect anyone to walk around for 6 hours a day every day is ridiculous especially in Aus. in November when the weather's becoming a lot warmer.

I hope your son will have the ticket transferred to him and give you something toward its cost .

Smileless2012, once more - thank you for completely understanding! I've sent you a private message!

Smileless2012

I agree with you Soozikini.

I honestly don't see how going out alone for 6 hours a day could work well for anyone Norah.

Perhaps if one doesn't walk or like to be out, I'd then agree.

I walk hours and hours daily, albeit with dogs, but do on holiday as well. Museums, shows, beach, guide book through neighborhoods.

Last we were in London I bought last minute tickets and popped into a West End play whilst my husband accomplished business. I also took myself to a cafe and walked all round. Wonderful!

Determination to get on, without having things ones own way makes life much easier. I gather not applicable in this post.

ElaineI, yes my DS was working, although he did take 4 days off for my visit - which was lovely.

So his partner had you around all day every day except for those four? I really, really couldn’t have coped with that especially with a small baby. Just such hard work. I like my own space and don’t want to have to deal with others and their needs for very long. I’m not surprised that after two weeks she couldn’t stand it any more.

JackK

Sooziniki, yes! Exactly! That's exactly what I thought - and my friends / other son, completely agree!
Norah, I have explained it all. No need for more self reflection - I have done NOTHING but, since I returned home! Didn't you read that my son had told me that I'd done or said nothing wrong?!!!

Sorry, cross posted.

Yes I read your son felt you'd done nothing wrong (after the first 2 weeks). I also read what follows, something went very wrong!

Before I left, they asked me to stay somewhere else in March, as having visitors would be too much for them. Even more pretty devasted at this!

Things have deteriorated since then - he will not discuss the visit, he cannot or will not, tell me what changed after a fortnight- so I have decided not to return.

Well done you deciding to cut losses at this time! People who push in and must have a go on their own terms generally lose, imo.

Wait patiently.

The OP's son's partner was pregnant while she was there GSM, she hadn't had the baby.

The OP finds it difficult to walk Norah, she has osteoarthritis so to have undertaken the journey on her own wouldn't have been particularly easy.

Germanshepherdsmum

So his partner had you around all day every day except for those four? I really, really couldn’t have coped with that especially with a small baby. Just such hard work. I like my own space and don’t want to have to deal with others and their needs for very long. I’m not surprised that after two weeks she couldn’t stand it any more.

Not many, and nobody I know, would accept a virtual stranger to meet his new (heavily pregnant) partner with partner (son) out working daily.

If I read this correctly you didn't know the woman, she was pregnant, your son was at work all day apart from 4 days?

Oh dear!

i quite understand your son and partner finding their way in the first stages of parenthood feeling that they cannot cope with an extra visitor in the house.

We haven't stayed over in DS's house for about a decade, with two growing children, there isn't room, unless we sleep on the living room floor. We either stay with other members of the family or stay in a hotel.

I can understand that, having bought the ticket it is unjust not to mention the need to get accommodation until afterwards.

Could you shorten your visit so that you do not stay as long, and ask for some help paying for the accommodation.

You could also look for B&B rather than a hotel or AirBNB, they are usually cheaper than the other two.