Daughter says I should always be the one to visit

I do get visits from grandchildren and parents so far but live quite a distance but wonder if that will remain so anc how long I can keep driving the long distances . Sympathies !

If partner is the one who drives, then there may be an issue there - he is possibly unwilling to put himself out for you? So she wants to see you, but sorting out children timetables with him to make a move may be difficult.

Plan long term for a visit date, so perhaps just 3 a year, plus one around Christmas - 2 each way. Suggest to her that as things are so difficult to arrange that you fix a schedule. If she cancels one, then tell her, never mind she can come to you on the next fixed date.

Yes, with you working long hours, you have issues, but she is working and has to organise 4 of them with very different timetables. Perhaps she does not understand your lack of time either (perhaps his mother has more time or does not work). As our working lives get longer, it is not so easy as it was when we grans retired at 60.

There’s a lot to be said for old ways. In Ye Olde Days, we visited our paternal and maternal grandparents every week on the same day, taking buses, one on a Friday and one on a Sunday.
I never remember them them coming to see us.

Obviously times have changed and the equalised visiting is good, but in this situation I would draw back and let them get on with it.

When I was young, visits were made both ways, but as my dad was the only person who drove, he had to collect and return the grandparents (and any relatives on my mum's side of the family) whenever they visited us.

Luckily, none of them lived very far away

You are not being unreasonable at all.

If that's what she wants I would visit my daughter - from time to time, when I myself feel the need to see her. It would be her decision to not come to your house, but she surely can't decide on the frequency you go over to hers! So yes to go if and when you feel like it, when you have the time for it. But no to go to her every time she demands a visit from you.

Good advice Sennelier.

Anything else going on Josie? Her behaviour seems OTT selfish and entitled, so why is she lashing out at you? Have you reminded her that you have all those jobs, and really cannot visit THEM, as YOU are TIRED! Cut right back on the presents, if they're not appreciated, no point?!

Hi
Why do You think she’s like this and has she always been this way ?☹️

I think ultimately it's the one that wants the contact who will make the effort. If your daughter/children do not see time with you as a priority, they won't make the effort and unfortunately you can't make someone care. Sad state of events but true.

I agree with you. We always visited my gran and I visited my mum and dad with my girls more than they came to me...sign of the times I think.

Sorry but you’re being a doormat.
Don’t ever buy any of them a present again. Save your money and buy whatever you secretly hope they might have bought you if they were loving, caring people.

Do take care. If they aren’t putting themselves out to come, maybe send messages about what a great time you are having.

There have never been rigid patterns over who visits who in family relationships. Each family group decides what best suits them and that may well vary between generations.

It depends on accessibility, not just geographic, but that imposed by working circumstances, age and disability and other factors.

If your children and graandchildren have no time for you, trying to buy their affection with expensive presents will not work - as you are finding out. Cut the presents back to a nominal amount, a voucher for a clothing chain or something like that and build yourself a life that keeps you occupied with other things.

I dont understand some of the threads I read recently on GN.

Expensive gifts...paying for AC houses ... etc etc shouldn't come with strings or expectations. Nice and polite to be thanked. but they don't build bridges.

If you feel upset or hard done by, just do or give what you are happy to do or give, but no more. You are important your life is finite. Back off for a while. Give yourself a break. Do other things and maybe these problems will resolve or at least lose their power to upset you.

Could she have a partner who has all the say in what goes on?

Thanks everyone for your comments much appreciated

There have never been rigid patterns over who visits who in family relationships. Each family group decides what best suits them and that may well vary between generations

Got it in one @M0nica - so many sad family situations I read on GN seem to stem from the idea there is a RIGHT way in family relationships and that is set in stone
It varies from family to family and from year to year depending on circumstances.
As children become teenagers -and even before- they have weekend activities - football, rugby, gymnastics etc which cut into Saturday and Sunday. I know only too well that if I want to see my GC at the weekend I have to time it carefully to fit in between the various commitments. Factor in 1 1/2 hours travel each way and it’s obvious why they can’t come here. So be it.
And adults’ work commitments inevitably get in the way of weekday visiting unless you are very lucky - so what can you do?
If you don’t live close enough to pop in you have to compromise. Taking them out to lunch half way may work, but teenagers …? Mine are just getting there and I’m not holding my breath that Granny will be able to “compete” with their own interests. The duty visits of our childhood were just that and I don’t want that to be the only reason we meet up.

I expect your grandchildren have their own mobile phones, could you keep in touch with them directly. My twin daughters ( 31 ) don't get on , they no longer see or speak to each other. One daughter has 3 children, the oldest 2 have their own mobiles and keep in touch with their Auntie that way

When she starts ranting at you , tell her you hope her children treat her like she treats you and put the phone down. She seems angry at you for some reason, is she the same with her father and siblings. Perhaps they could have a word with her and ask her why she feels the need to shout and be angry at you. Also is your husband standing up for you? If the GChildren have phones perhaps keep in contact with them rather than her. Just a quick text once in a while asking how they are doing and what they are up to.

So your daughter shouts at you hangs up and you then get a baracade of abusive texts ! To be honest she sounds a right entitled little madam.she cancels seeing you unless she wants something or collecting.
But she can go out with her partners parents I feel very sad for you .

62 Granny she is worse with her dad and if her siblings say anything they are wrong and told you are nothing to do with me. She seems to think she is better than any of them which I've said to her that they are all the same. When she does contacts 2 of her siblings it only to ask for money and never repays it which can cause another rift

Debbi58, I don't have their mobile numbers as she won't give them to me and I don't think they are on fb or if they are I can find them

Why should you be the one to visit? Surely visiting relatives goes both ways - if you want to see each other.

My daughter only bisots me if shes dropping kids off for me to look after. Then shes in and out. She says shes overwhelmed with the kids. I havent had a xar for a year and it takes me 2 hours and 3 buses to get to her house. I struggle with disabilities so its quite hard travelling on a bus. She says its hard for her to get 2 toddlers ready and in yhe car. Am I being unreasonable?. I now have a car so Im expected to go to them regularly