AIBU re Grandchild care while parents are on leave?

Maybe they just want to keep the routine the same, especially if the child likes being with you, they wouldn’t want a new baby to mean that what their daughter likes doing has to change.

If you dont want to do it just tell them.

I looked after my first grandchild one day a week until the second one came along. It never occurred to me that I would continue whilst my daughter was on maternity leave. 😬 We did visit on those days but not on a regular basis. We also helped out with childcare on an ad hoc basis when needed. Why not talk to your daughter and say you had hoped to have a bit more free time during her ml but would be happy to look after her once or twice a month during this period? If that suits you of course.

MissInterpreted

Norah

I've never cared for GC on a regular schedule (I will help out in emergency), I can't imagine why it's accepted by so many. I like freedom in my days to cook, clean, surgery recovery, garden, walk, etc.

Perhaps just say 'no thank you, we have plans' -- polite and non-confrontational? No huge dicussion needed, their children to care for.

Some grandparents have no option but to step in and provide care for their grandchildren as there is no other alternative.

I'm sure there are parents in hospital or jail, on drugs, dead, otherwise incapacitated. That is not what the OP is about, is it?

It seems to me likely a matter of keeping the first child to the existing routine and keeping your close relationship with her. I expect your granddaughter looks forward to her day with you and might feel the new baby has robbed her of that if it stops. Surely one day a week isn’t a huge deal, especially as you live close by? And in the early days I’m sure your daughter in law would be very grateful for that help - who knows, it might not be an easy birth. I really don’t think either of them will just be ‘sitting at home’! Cast your mind back!

I think it is important that your granddaughter continues to attend nursery after the baby is born, for continuity and also because it is possible that the two days will no longer be available to her at a later date. I also believe, as others have said, that maybe your son and daughter-in-law thought that you would wish to continue looking after their daughter for one day a week. You obviously have a very close relationship with them, so it would be so sad if you were to fall out with them over this. Tread very carefully, if you decide to discuss this with them.

Maybe instead of mind-reading that NanaSoo would want to continue childminding when the child's mother was at home it would have been better for the parents to ask NanaSoo if she wanted to - given that there's no need to do so anymore?

Lots of people on here seem to be guessing what the parents might think might be in NanaSoo's mind.

Norah

MissInterpreted

Norah

I've never cared for GC on a regular schedule (I will help out in emergency), I can't imagine why it's accepted by so many. I like freedom in my days to cook, clean, surgery recovery, garden, walk, etc.

Perhaps just say 'no thank you, we have plans' -- polite and non-confrontational? No huge dicussion needed, their children to care for.

Some grandparents have no option but to step in and provide care for their grandchildren as there is no other alternative.

I'm sure there are parents in hospital or jail, on drugs, dead, otherwise incapacitated. That is not what the OP is about, is it?

Actually, I wasn't thinking about any of those examples. I was thinking of instances where parents may work shifts, perhaps including night shifts, where things like nurseries, childminders etc wouldn't be available.

My daughter and SIL are having a second baby in April. My GD is 3 and is at nursery 2 full days and 2 half days. Her other Grandma and myself share the other half days, daughter works 4 days a week.
Daughter has asked if we still pick up GD from nursery and look after her in the afternoons. I will also take her to swimming lessons on what is daughters day off.
We have all agreed that this is flexible as after a couple of months daughter might want to meet friends with children and take both of them. Also we are already planning that we will have outings, daughter 2 grand children and me and grandma.
I think communication and flexibility is the key.

I wonder if they are being as extravagant as you think. I could be wrong but doesn't the free 15 hours come in shortly. If so they will probably only be paying a nominal amount to cover lunches etc. Also, I understand that many Nurseries have up to a year wait so if they give her place up she is highly unlikely to get it back.

Norah

Callistemon21

Children like helping with cooking, gardening, perhaps not so much cleaning (nor do I!).

I wouldn't put a clean house before enjoying time with my grandchildren; they're not tiny for long.

However, DIL didn't expect us to look after DC1 when she was on maternity leave with No.2.

I agree children like to 'help' cook, garden, perhaps use the duster, fold napkins - however, in my experience they aren't actually helpful and add to the disarray - just my opinion about our many GC, GGC and GGGC.

I've enough to do on a daily basis - I want to be available for what actually needs doing. We do see all of them quite often, just no schedule or weekly commitment taking our time. Works for us.

As usual, everyone is different.

I agree children like to 'help' cook, garden, perhaps use the duster, fold napkins - however, in my experience they aren't actually helpful and add to the disarray - just my opinion about our many GC, GGC and GGGC.

Don't they just!! 😁

I can remember DGD2 helping to make smoothies and pressing the on switch before the lid was on the liquidiser. 😯

And cake-making .....

Grannyben

I wonder if they are being as extravagant as you think. I could be wrong but doesn't the free 15 hours come in shortly. If so they will probably only be paying a nominal amount to cover lunches etc. Also, I understand that many Nurseries have up to a year wait so if they give her place up she is highly unlikely to get it back.

Yes, I think continuing nursery is a good idea.

However, perhaps Grandarent care could be flexible, especially as GrandadSoo will need some convalescence after his surgery.

If you had so many children do you also care for other grandchildren I wonder

MissInterpreted

Norah

I've never cared for GC on a regular schedule (I will help out in emergency), I can't imagine why it's accepted by so many. I like freedom in my days to cook, clean, surgery recovery, garden, walk, etc.

Perhaps just say 'no thank you, we have plans' -- polite and non-confrontational? No huge dicussion needed, their children to care for.

Some grandparents have no option but to step in and provide care for their grandchildren as there is no other alternative.

There's always another alternative, if you live hundreds of miles away or even over seas like one of mine you find something.
I payed a student one half term when I worked when mine got Chicken pox one after another, another time I had to employ a nurse from a bank before my parents could get to us.
I lived beside girls who just expected their mothers to drop everything to help.
We made a self help group and had each others children and did school ,nursery and playgroups pick ups and drop offs for each other, even giving tea some days.

Same thing happened to me - but I was more than happy to carry on with my one day a week looking after my DGD. Its not forever- before you know it, your grandchild will be going to school; our DGD is now 9 and I cherish the days I looked after her (and her younger brother when he came along). I was glad to help Mum and Dad have a break and be able to have some one to one time with their new baby. However, if it doesn't suit, you really should have a word with them and just say you were looking forward to a break.

If you don't want to look after your GC then you need to tell them.

It is pretty normal to keep the nursery place while on maternity leave to keep things normal for the older one. It helps the toddler to stay in their routine despite the new baby. There is no guarantee these days that you would be able to get the nursery place back at the end of maternity leave as so many nurseries are closing. Many toddlers get very bored at home with an exhausted mum and baby after the routine of other children, play and activities of nursery - there is not always the social network that existed 30-40 years ago. Even 25-30 years ago when I was on maternity leave I was the only person at home in my cul-de-sac between 8am and 4 pm.

I think everything has been said - about keeping the nursery place, not disrupting the older GC’s routine etc but this jumped out at me
it seems very odd that they want us to do it while they sit at home / whatever with the new baby. ?
My recollection from all those years ago was that “sitting at home/whatever” did not describe those first exhausting weeks!
I would expect Dad to take on more especially when on paternity leave as usually happens to give Mum more time with the newborn, but your elder GC will need his own special attention if his nose is not to be put too much out of joint!
TBH I think you have reached a wall re the childcare and probably need to be honest about why you feel you need a break.
But how different we all are, look at all the threads where grands feel “pushed out “ because they are excluded from the baby moon/bonding period!

Sorry - I misread and it is a granddaughter so substitute “she/her” for “he/him”

I'm more than happy to take care of my GD when needed, but I wouldn't like it to be on a regular schedule, unless it was absolutely necessary. I like my own space, and my own free time. I do find that keeping young children occupied for a whole day is extremely exhausting. I simply don't have the energy in my 60s that I had in my 30s! My GDs are wanting to be doing something every minute of the day. They want to make cakes, then before that's finished they want the paints out, then the dolls house, then the kitchen, then the lego. And, of course, Nannie has to play with them too! I literally don't have a moment to sit down with a coffee for a 5 mins break, and usually don't have any lunch either!

I think in the OPs situation, I'd be inclined to say that I'm happy to take GD1 for 2 or 3 hours, or for a morning or afternoon, just to continue with the routine, and for me still to have that special time with GD. Also, considering that your DH has recently had surgery, just say that a full day is a bit much for you to handle right now, as he needs his rest and he's not currently able to help out with GD. I think it unnecessary to expect you to have her for the full day whilst DiL is on maternity leave. Just put it to them nicely, and I'm sure they'll understand.

I agree -why not offer to do half a day a week.A good compromise

I am surprised by the assumption that you would continue to babysit/childmind as before even though your DC will be at home.

They must see it as a privilege! Perhaps it is.
Let them know what you are prepared to do but explain about the health issues and how it is a chance for you to enjoy retirement.

Grammaretto couldn’t it be that they don’t want to take grandparents time away from them, thinking ‘ahh they say they enjoy having her for that day, we can’t just withdraw it, it would hurt them, and she loves going there’

There’s always two ways of looking at things

One day a week out of seven ! and they are grown and flown so quickly

In the summer holidays for a couple of weeks I had five (my choice), three from away and two that lived nearby would pop in and out, mostly in 🤣and I used to tear my hair out and think how daft I was but you know what now I m older and they re all out at work and busy I d give anything for a day of chaos again

If you need the break you should definitely have a conversation with them. Are you going to be expected to do one day a week with the new arrival also when maternity leave is up? That would be 4-5 more years of childcare for you, something to think about.

I think allowing the older child to continue with nursery is for the best, she has her routine and probably enjoys her days there when she's able to socialise with other children and reap the benefits. She probably also looks on her day with you as a treat and so long as that continues without any jealousy of her younger sibling setting in then that's also a bonus for her.
However if you don't enjoy these days or feel you need a break then you have to have a discussion with your DS and DIL. Perhaps you might discuss continuing the day of childcare but with shorter hours or fewer days per week so that you still maintain contact with GD?

If you don’t want to do the childcare simply tell them, if you want to carry on do that too,

Lots of changes happen with baby number two and these parents may simply want to keep baby number one’s routine stable and get some time together alone with their new little one.

Unless you really really don’t want to provide childcare once s week ( & I would have literally killed to have chance with our one & only grandson who is now 9) them I jus don’t see the issue??

Chardy

Sorry your husband has been poorly, and obviously that needs to be factored in by your son.
However that apart, I think it's important for your granddaughter to have as little disruption as possible. But also it would be good for her to be the centre of attention at your house to balance out those people visiting her home, cooing over the baby.

This! ^