AIBU re Grandchild care while parents are on leave?

It's what happened when our d.i.l had a 2nd child and took a year off. We still had dgs for a day a week & he still went to nursery and the other grandparents. It gave him consistency, and tbh, I never gave it a thought that he should stay at home with mum & new baby. That wouldn't have been 'normal' in my opinion, plus we were pleased to have him

As your husband is unwell, or at least recovering from an operation, I think you should make this an excuse for not having your older grandchild for a while.

You obviously don't really want to and are in my opinion being rather judgemental about what is perfectly normal these days.

Parents of a new baby usually do think it best to stick with the timetable their older child is already comfortable with. Jealousy of the new child is very likely if the older one is at home all day to see how much baby is occupying the parents.

And a child who is enjoying nursery school and or time with her grandparents may well resent any changes made (even although she doesn't know the word resentment) as being the baby's fault.

As I say, explain that grandpa needs peace and quiet right now and that concern for him has tired you out, so you would prefer to skip your grandchild's days with you for a while.

There's lots of good advice there including the fact that the older child might well feel pushed out and wonder why she has to come to you when her Mum (and dad sometimes) is/are at home. Good to keep her at nursery for all the social development though.
So that you still have the pleasure of your GD you could offer one day a month - say the first Thursday or whatever suits. You could add emergencies and odd days when your DiL might have to attend appointments with baby. It stays friendly and supportive but you see your GD and get more time to yourself and for your husband to recover. Make the point that this helps all of you. and you get a break.
Someone has said that one day a week isn't a lot but it is when you might want to plan trips away or seeing friends etc. That leads to you having to ask for time off and being made to feel that is a huge inconvenience.... or even not going away.
Children are their parents' responsibility and although we love our GC this site is full of grandparents being walked all over IMHO.

This is an ideal opportunity for the siblings to bond and parents to get used to having 2 children. I know the answer if I’d have asked for this from either grandparents. As a nana now my daughter in law and son will juggle the care between them. Other gran does one day this will stop over maternity as they help out but not while parents aren’t in work. Look after yourself and your husband.

I am in exactly the same situation. I still work 3 days a week (stressful, teacher in FE) and yet I feel like I have to ask my DS and DIL for leave when I want a day off. She is at home on maternity leave with baby number 2.

Yes i agree that nursery days are maybe a good idea for the childs sake as its her routine now- however if you dont wish to do the childminding day then dont do it!- just explain that with your hubbys surgery and as theyre at home for awhile now then you are having a break from it but you can help out if its while they attend appts with either child (to watch other child) etc or so they could have the odd night out together but you can look at it again (together) if she is struggling when your son goes back to work maybe? Or they can send older child to nursery an extra day if they need to? (How old is elder child?is she near to reception school age yet as they attend every day for that.?

Its one thing you taking older child out for a couple of hours occasionally so mum could have a sleep perhaps, just to help out,& so you get to see GD, but another entirely to still keep up the rigid 1 whole day a week schedule for unpaid childcare.

I think that many of todays 'modern' mums often think its someone elses job to see to children that they decide to have- they dont seem to try hard enough at taking care of their own family.(in my opinion) i think society has led to that train of thought.

I think it best to keep your DGC in the routine she is currently in - however if you don’t want to help out anymore then you should say.
I don’t think they are taking advantage they’ve just presumed the routine will continue as normal which isn’t really an unreasonable assumption

Nannan2

I think that many of todays 'modern' mums often think its someone elses job to see to children that they decide to have- they dont seem to try hard enough at taking care of their own family.(in my opinion) i think society has led to that train of thought.

What about the ‘modern’ dads? Unfortunately both parents have to work now to make a living, the ‘glory’ days of SAHMs is over for many, however, Grandparents helping out with the little ones isn’t a modern day phenomenon- in fact less and less grandparents appear happy to do it these days choosing their own free time and independence over helping the family out occasionally. How very sad! And before you all jump in me - I’m talking about helping a day here and there not full time child care - some of my happiest memories growing up we’re of those spent with my grandparents and I am going to ensure that my DGC have those happy memories repeated with me!

Also- who is looking after new baby when DIL returns to work? Have they discussed that with you or have they assumed its to be you to have 2 children on that day? They really do need to sort out that'extra' day of the week long-term- either by one of them not working another day or full time paid for childcare or a nanny for the 2 of them.

I know some nans were available in the 'old days' to help with looking after the kids while mums or mum & dads worked long hours- (40's 50's 60's 70's) but back then they had a lot of extended families all of them living in same house!(or couples got wed & lived at home with the mum or mum in law-& along came baby or babies.

But times have changed for the nans now too, with them having/owning their own homes and joining clubs and having their own cars so able to get out to follow their own interests etc as well as a lot having to work themselves till whatever age the government decides.

This just needs a conversation between all parties. Maybe they thought that you would like to carry on. Let them know your feelings and desire for a bit of a respite. Once new baby has arrived I imagine that they would be wanting your help with the older GC but perhaps you should be upfront as to what you feel you can manage. You may find that you miss it! Also, school is not far away so your time with GC is precious, you could always cut it down to once a fortnight perhaps.

I would continue to look after the child one day a week, because I love children and find their company so much fun (as well as exhausting, but one day a week? Come on! Value the bond you’ll have with your gcs

Just talk to him and tell him how you feel about it. Maybe they are thinking that they want to keep your gd in the same timetable what she is used to so new baby doesn’t make her feel pushed out. My question would be who is looking after baby when mum goes to work or are you having both. I have my grandson Monday after school and Friday night until Saturday lunchtime if he at school if they home or not then he at other grandparents Saturday night to Sunday lunch and one night after school that’s so we get equal time with him. I’ve a granddaughter i used to have similar times with now I can only have time with her when she with her dad since her parents divorced so I’m grateful for any time I get. No more sleep overs with her as she now lives 500 miles away

Perhaps the couple feel GD should have continuity hence wanting to keep to her current routine. I can understand the reasoning behind this. You do though need to explain about DH need for recovery with maybe a few weeks break until he feels well again. £85 a say does seem horrendously expensive but not unusual.

Nannan2

I know some nans were available in the 'old days' to help with looking after the kids while mums or mum & dads worked long hours- (40's 50's 60's 70's) but back then they had a lot of extended families all of them living in same house!(or couples got wed & lived at home with the mum or mum in law-& along came baby or babies.

How many generalisations can you get into one post?
Extended families all living in the same house. ?
While many families were perhaps less geographically spread out these days (well actually probably since post-war years) this was by no means universal.
Many young adults emigrated particularly from Scotland and Ireland in search of a decent job, or moved to the newer industrial centres in England in search of employment. Married and stayed there.
The cosy image you project of “Nan” helping out and families living in and out of each other’s terraced houses was not my experience growing up - in fact my Scottish granny was never involved in my or my sisters care and my maternal granny was thousands of miles away.
Your experience is yours, mine is mine.
It’s inaccurate and unfair to generalise from personal anecdotal experience in this way or to say that modern mums think it’s somebody else’s business to look after their children!
I think it is great if grandparents can be involved in their grandchildren’s upbringing - many of us here would give our right arm to be within regular “granny” duty distance.

All sounds pretty usual to me. Older GC will have her own routine and will benefit from a bit of independence, parents can get some rest while she is out, baby can do some bonding with both parents. It's exactly what we did and it worked just fine.

It's also usual for older GC to be a bit more 'clingy' when a new baby comes along but if parents have the chance to recharge their batteries a bit then they are able to give her more attention.

If you feel it's too much maybe offer once a fortnight or half a day?

Having said that I also 'muddled through' with no family support and an OH working away from home a lot when our chn were small and I can remember that feeling of total and utter exhaustion rather too clearly, so I guess I'm biased!

Don't you want to see your DGD each week? Just as nursery is a routine so is coming to Granny's. Of course your son should have asked but I cant see why you wouldn't want regular contact with DGD. Perhaps you could change the hours you do to lessen the load eg 10 - 3 instead of 8 -6. But I'd be wary of stopping her regular visits. I made that mistake once and regular time alone with my DGS has never been reestablished, much to my dismay.

RosiesMaw

Nannan2

I know some nans were available in the 'old days' to help with looking after the kids while mums or mum & dads worked long hours- (40's 50's 60's 70's) but back then they had a lot of extended families all of them living in same house!(or couples got wed & lived at home with the mum or mum in law-& along came baby or babies.

How many generalisations can you get into one post?
Extended families all living in the same house. ?
While many families were perhaps less geographically spread out these days (well actually probably since post-war years) this was by no means universal.
Many young adults emigrated particularly from Scotland and Ireland in search of a decent job, or moved to the newer industrial centres in England in search of employment. Married and stayed there.
The cosy image you project of “Nan” helping out and families living in and out of each other’s terraced houses was not my experience growing up - in fact my Scottish granny was never involved in my or my sisters care and my maternal granny was thousands of miles away.
Your experience is yours, mine is mine.
It’s inaccurate and unfair to generalise from personal anecdotal experience in this way or to say that modern mums think it’s somebody else’s business to look after their children!
I think it is great if grandparents can be involved in their grandchildren’s upbringing - many of us here would give our right arm to be within regular “granny” duty distance.

I was beginning to think our family wasn't normal after reading Nannan2's post 😯

Or perhaps our family (and DH's) were more independent and adventurous.
I don't know any who lived with their parents and many moved away or emigrated.

Rented property was more easily obtainable and reasonable in the 1950s, 60s and 70s and young couples could rent a flat and save for a mortgage too.

I do remember one of my dear Aunts gathering in any elderly waifs and strays in the family and taking them to live with her and her husband so she could care for them when they were unable to cope on their own.

When I was 2 and my younger sister was born in 1952, my Grandma would come to our house (a journey involving 3 different buses), take me back to her house where I would stay the night with her & my uncle & aunt who lived there.
I had the most wonderful time at Grandma’s. We played games including Lost at the Fair (my favourite book) ‘Going to Pretend Blackpool’ which involved sitting on the stairs pretending we were on the bus, and sometimes actually going to Blackpool on a real bus. I was allowed to play the piano, look at Grandma’s books, water the geraniums, and sometimes we went to Lewis’s in Manchester where Grandma would buy me a chunk of marzipan. Sometimes we went to Alexandra Park in Moss Side to feed the ducks.
Meanwhile Mum would be having precious time with my little sister.
70 years later these vivid memories of my Grandma live on in my mind.
Nanasoo unless you really need a rest and the time to yourself, don’t deprive your little GC of this time with you, or your DiL the time with the new little one.

Nannan2

I know some nans were available in the 'old days' to help with looking after the kids while mums or mum & dads worked long hours- (40's 50's 60's 70's) but back then they had a lot of extended families all of them living in same house!(or couples got wed & lived at home with the mum or mum in law-& along came baby or babies.

I’m a bit confused! I was born in the 50.’ Not one of my school friends lived with their parents AND grandparents and all my Aunties and Uncles lived in their own homes with their children

I think it’s lovely to have your DGC once a week. Surely you want continuity of care and seemingly her parents do as they’re keeping her at Nursery. You’re only being asked for one day a week and I’m guessing your son and DIL think you’d probably want to keep with the existing arrangement. I don’t think their request is unreasonable

I think the minding started as an economy thing , why can’t the parents parent their own children. All the ones saying about the bond aren’t considering when the older goes to school. The bond won’t be broken. Think it’s cheeky to have kids then expect a full day off when they are yours . The grandparents don’t choose the parents do . It could be on a more informal schedule so a few hours in the park, minding kids is hard work that’s why the younger ones have them . As we age helping if and when should be enough.