AIBU re Grandchild care while parents are on leave?

It’s not the fact they want to be with baby and not with the older child …it’s a matter of older child’s routine . My daughter asked me the same and I was more than willing to oblige because I also offered to take the eldest home on bus every day , instead of them braving the horrendous traffic around here ….which also enabled me quality time with grandchild AND i got to see new grandchild more often than I usually would.
Believe me, it will be all about the eldest , and you, not missing out. It was with me .

You were consulted they didn't just turn up that would beaking an assumption There was an opportunity to say what you've said here

Just for balance, my parents lived with my dad's Mum for 8 years after they got married! They lodged with her and many of their friends lodged with their parents; this was after the war and most were on the Council House waiting list. My parents finally got a brand new Council house in 1955. So though some on this thread knew of no one living with their parents, it did happen. Suppose it depends on demographics, many people in my parents' area couldn't afford to private rent, or even buy a house in the post war years.

Yes it did Curlywhirly. My parents married in 1944 & they lived with paternal grandparents for 5 years before they got their own house. They also had my older cousin, and another uncle and aunt, living with them at various times.
Then after paternal GM died, Grandpa came to live with us until he died a few years later.

What about how your granddaughter will feel about you giving up? Abandoned? Addition of a new child to the family can be quite challenging for little ones. She does not need to cope with your emotions about it all as well. She’ll be soon at school and will have little if any time for you. So just enjoy it and think if it as a privilege not a burden. Reframe the situation

I notice that the OP says, 'it hasn't officially been discussed'. Which means it's still open for discussion. That being the case, I'd bring the subject up again and simply say, 'going back to what DS previously mentioned, I'm more than happy to have GD each week so as not to disrupt her routine, and to take her on little outings/to the park/etc. However, due to his father's recent surgery, I'd prefer it wasn't for the whole day as he needs his rest'. I'd then go on to mention that, 'of course, I'm happy to continue with the full day, once DiL's year-long maternity leave is over'.

Common sense!
Nobody’s feelings get hurt.
This is what communicating instead of catastrophising achieves.

Jzpap

I think it’s lovely to have your DGC once a week. Surely you want continuity of care and seemingly her parents do as they’re keeping her at Nursery. You’re only being asked for one day a week and I’m guessing your son and DIL think you’d probably want to keep with the existing arrangement. I don’t think their request is unreasonable

I think it's not a request I think it's an assumption.

I may have misread it?

As a few have mentioned I think your S and DIL are trying to ensure that your unique relationship with your GC continues. These days many parents are completely obsessed with their offspring and they think everybody else, especially grandparents, feel the same. I'm not saying that GPs don't love them to death but as the years increase even the odd day of childcare can be exhausting for some which I don't think is often appreciated by parents.

It would be a nice thing to do for them to continue with the routine. I think the difference can be that, years ago, the hospital used to keep you in for about 10 days with support in the hospital for new mothers - now we get discharged the same day and the most support you get is from a husband/partner who is often not as much help as is needed. Baby blues will hit on days 3/4 when her hormones shift after having the baby so I think it's nice to still offer support and give them some exclusive time with their new baby to bond. Of course, it's up to you - if you don't want to then say so but your other GC will likely be used to the routine and will enjoy coming over to see you and spend time with you so I expect the parents also want to keep things as 'normal' as possible for LO.

Maybe they just want to keep to a regular schedule for their eldest GC, so they can say 'you'll still be going to see granny and grandad, baby won't stop that for you', or maybe they thought you were worried you wouldn't be seeing your GC much!!

I think they just want to continue with normal routine and they are presuming that you can see the sense in that. Mum wants time with the new baby and if you’re usually around they want to carry on with that. I don’t think they are being selfish, but if it’s a problem, speak up now.

It's okay to say no if you don't want to do it. I don't think grandparents have to offer up explanations for why they won't provide childcare. It's up to the parents to sort because they are the ones who chose to reproduce. Any help is really just bonus. Having said that, I don't see anything wrong generally with the other child going to nursery if the parents choose. I also don't think it's proper to judge them for it. Separate the two issues. Say no and do so without guilt.

Sorry but yabu! Your dil won't be sitting around doing nothing. She's looking after a new baby. Yes, you managed. But perhaps you've forgotten what it was like. I had my son at nursery full time when I was off at first then down to 3 days. He was 3 and I wanted him used to the routine. I loved those days at home with the two of them but it was hard! Trying to get the baby to sleep with a Toddler in tow... the exhaustion of you've had a sleepless night with teething. Why would you begrudge them a fews with one child? Plus they get to know their new baby onene. I agree they should have asked you but I would have thought you'd have wanted to help out? Especially in those early no sleep days.

Our daughters had 2 children each with a gap of around 2 years. We did one day a week with the 2 first cousins, they were off to preschool at 3 when the next two arrived. We were happy to keep up our day a week whilst parents were on mat leave. Other grandparents and nursery continued as well. Good routines, lots of contact with family. Works well for many

Thread from January, I assume it got sorted.

Tararh

Sorry but yabu! Your dil won't be sitting around doing nothing. She's looking after a new baby. Yes, you managed. But perhaps you've forgotten what it was like. I had my son at nursery full time when I was off at first then down to 3 days. He was 3 and I wanted him used to the routine. I loved those days at home with the two of them but it was hard! Trying to get the baby to sleep with a Toddler in tow... the exhaustion of you've had a sleepless night with teething. Why would you begrudge them a fews with one child? Plus they get to know their new baby onene. I agree they should have asked you but I would have thought you'd have wanted to help out? Especially in those early no sleep days.

I think your response is rather harsh. The OP has every right to decide what and when she does with her own life. She isn't a youngster and her husband has recently had surgery.

She didn't get her daughter in law pregnant did she.

I'm sure the OP is well aware of sleepless nights, teething and trying to get a baby to sleep with a toddler in tow. She had four children of her own for heaven's sake, without any help.

Her son has a month's paternity leave too, so there will be two of them at home to cope with the drama. There was no paternity leave in the OP's day or, I doubt, in yours.

If parents decide to increase their family they should have the means, both financial and practical, to do so and not assume someone else will bail them out. You'd think having 2 children (by choice I might add and with both parents at home) was tantamount to being sent to the Somme judging by some of these comments.

Maybe say you’ve thought about it and would prefer to be more flexible while dil is on maternity leave. Suggest you can offer random days or just offer half days if you’re finding it too much.

It was a big assumption to expect you to continue without asking!

I agree SuzieHi

If two young, healthy adults at home all day can't cope with 2 children, one of which will be at nursery 2 days a week, there is something very wrong.

Honestly, new parents today with all mod cons at their finger tips and disposable nappies, as well as paid maternity and paternity leave, seem to have such a sense of martyrdom and entitlement.