Well done standing up to them. I’m a driver and sometimes don’t want to go out with the girls from work as I’ve always been the driver and now it’s expected of me or my husband if I was having a drink to pick them up and take them home. You do something once then it’s the expected norm!
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AIBU
Outrageous selfishness
(100 Posts)I shouldn't really be on this thread. Its not my unreasonableness I am questioning, but someone elses.
DH belongs to an amateur operatic group 15 miles away. After 65 years of performing, directing, making props, etc etc for various groups, DH decided that this year was his last year. His health has not been good and it was time to retire. This years's show would be his last
For the last two years,however, a non driving member of the group who lives even further away and came in with a neighbour, has started expecting DH to go on a 10 mile detour to give him a lift when the neighbour, also elderly and ill, wasn't available.
When it was occasional DH didn't mind, but it was almost doubling his round trip to rehearsal and in the last year his health hasn't been good. Despite this the man still kept asking for lifts.
Three weeks ago DH collapsed at a rehearsal, was brought home and ended up being rushed to hospital and having a pacemaker fitted, talk about miracles! The difference overnight in his energy levels and activity was miraculous. However he had decided to drop out of the opera he was directing, but earlier last week, feeling much better he decided he could manage to conduct the three performances so that his career ended with a bang not a whimper. By the third night he was exhausted, but I was there and I was driving.
As we were walking back to the car after the performance, the sponger (as DH calls him) and daughter walked with us. I assumed that either his daughter had a car or someone else was giving them a lift home. When we got to our car, they stopped too. DH and I each opened a back passenger door, to put various bits and pieces on the back seat.
As we did the faces of the sponger and daughter absolutely collapsed and I realised that despite not asking us or taking into account my DH's exhaustion, which was obvious, they were expecting us to give them a lift home, an extra 10 miles on a 15 mile journey.
I just turned to them and said 'DH is exhausted I need to get him home and get him to bed, I cannot give you a lift' and got in and drove off. I was absolutely furious, that knowing how ill DH still was and how he was pushing himself to complete that final performance they still just assumed that we would go miles out our way to get them home. Didn't even ask!
I do not know how they gor home yesterday, and I do not really care. But as an example of monumental selfishness, it takes a lot of beating.
Well done Monica. You did the right thing. Spongers ask for favours incrementally and then just seem to assume that that's OK. The transition from friend to taker is very subtle and by the time the behaviour is entrenched its very difficult to rouse ones emotions to read the the riot act and define the boundaries of behaviour that are acceptable. You were a brilliant advocate for your husband and took exactly the right action. Well done. Absolutely first class. He is lucky to have you to fight his corner when its necessary.
I would absolutely have cherished seeing their faces!!
Well done, M0nica!
I hope you and your DH both enjoy his retirement and find something you can do together as well as the things you can do separately. xx
Thank you for all your support.
This chap isn't actually a friend, just another member of the opera group and DH just filled in when his neighbour was unavailable because he was the only other member living anywhere near them - and even that meant a 5 mile drive further away from the groups base.
It would be nice to think this man was arrogant and self entitles, but he isn't, he is just a sponger, oozing is way through life like mud.
After the show, we were not talking to him, in fact I didn't notice where he was, but clearly he had his eye on us, because as we left the theatre he and his daughter 'just happened' to ooze out as we did and walk with us in a way that could have meant his daughter had a car and they were going there, or someone les had offered a lift. It was only when we got to my car I realised he was expecting us to take him home.
However the real cause of my wrath was his sheer selfishness, knowing - and having seen - just how ill DH had been - and how exhausted he was after the show, to expect that without asking, we would give him and daughter a lift home. This would have at least have doubled the time it took me to get DH home and to bed.
Well done You …blooming cheek 🤨
Ii used to volunteer and another volunteer had bad eye sight so couldn’t drive. She would expect me to drive 15 miles the other way to collect her and drive her home after every session. When it became expected and not even a thank you I had enough and ended up giving up the volunteering
A few years ago, a neighbour , who was a private tutor, broke her leg. She had one job that she'd taken on 37 miles away. A weekly one hour lesson. Rather than explain to her pupil why she couldn't give lessons for a while she expected me to take her in my car, hang around while she took the lesson and then drive her home - a 75 mile round trip ! She was very cunning about it. Asked me one day whether I'd be free on a certain Wednesday evening and could I do her a favour. She knew I was retired and had a lot of free time so of course I agreed. But after that one off favour, she expected it to become a regular weekly 'lift'. Selfishness in the extreme!
Well said Monica. I hope your husband improves and goes on to have interesting times with you.
Be kind to yourselves.
The "able to afford taxis" thing: if I may just comment, it may not be about cost for some elderly people.
My 91 year old mother could afford taxis but it's the complicated process of ordering one when you have hearing difficulties and no mobile phone for them to text you back that is a problem.
(But no, she is not a sponger!)
Not on the same scale but I recently had to attend a training course. As it was a nice day and the venue not too far from home I decided to walk. After the training had completed a colleague approached me and said “can you give me a lift home?” (No manners! And bearing in mind that they lived in the opposite direction to me anyway) I replied that I didn’t have the car with me that day to which the response was “Oh FFS”!!! 🙄
Boadicea
The "able to afford taxis" thing: if I may just comment, it may not be about cost for some elderly people.
My 91 year old mother could afford taxis but it's the complicated process of ordering one when you have hearing difficulties and no mobile phone for them to text you back that is a problem.
(But no, she is not a sponger!)
Yes... affording taxis
My husband suffered two accidents causing broken bones due to staff negligence during 2 separate stays in the same hospital
We could have taken further legal advice, having been told that the case in his favour seemed good ( including a letter from the sister in charge during one accident admitting negligence) but as i am in my mid 80s and his carer, life is difficult enough without litigation
Sorry for a long preamble but it meant he had to spend 3 months in hospital instead of ? 3 days.
He said he spent a lot of time thinking of Switzerland, dignitas and the possibilities of being offered a way out by suicide there
Our children live very far away but helped when able, one even travelling from the Far east for several weeks at a time
My solution was to spend several hours with him every day
My vision is somewhat variable to rely on my driving so I enquired about taxi fares, allowing me an hour's stay in the hospital daily
This came to £900 a week( the hospital is about 18 miles away from my home)
I tried to find help from local charities but they were only willing and able to aid if I needed the hospital attention........ but I reckon that my husband needed psychological support
My friends are in their 9th decade too, willing to help on occasion but not able to do so daily
Last year he spent 3 months in hospital =£15,000 in taxi fares had I taken that route
I spoke to the consultant who was not interested but am not sure what other solutions could be found
I am no sponger either but there should be some cognisance of the fact that not all hospital stays are short, nor are all hospitals on one's doorstep..
Yes the hospital offered me the occasional rental of a bungalow at £15 a night but when the treatment is spread over weeks, it all becomes difficult
Any other suggestions for the next event>
Our bridge 4 broke up over this. 2 lived a mile apart but as A would be passing Bs house anyway it was presumed she would pick her up.Never the other way. Finally when we were going to a different venue A said she had something to do in the other direction first and she would see her there.
This caused offence and the group stopped meeting with A telling us she was going to play with ' nice people' at another club.
Honestly the nerve of some people! I would have been seething too. Quick response from you Monica, and I do hope your DH continues to improve.
widgeon3, i know it's primarily used by commuters esp into London, but have you tried Liftshare ?
Unbelievable selfishness abounds.
I have a long standing non driving friend who when I questioned his arrangements for meet ups etc, blithely said “Well someone always picks me up and drops me off”. I know his expectation was that he would never have to make his own arrangements.
Same friend, before I wised up, was my companion for long drives into the countryside for days out, including me driving to pick him up from my house 40 miles away.
No offer to pay for any petrol, just sat there like a dummy when I filled up. I think he thought petrol just came out of the sky…
hollysteers, exactly, a sponger. he probably acts the same in other aspects of his life. Just expects to be able to do what he wants without any effort on is part.
Monica exactly. This same friend made sure I paid to the exact penny my half of the meal we had during our walking day trips😡
I was in a walking group going away for a weekend. The normal thing was to give the driver £5 on this long drive. One lady well known for her meanness got out at the hostel and told the driver that she wouldn't need a lift back as she would go back in the other car thus avoiding paying either driver.
A lady who was on a holiday with a group of us to USA took ill on the return flight and was taken to hospital near Gatwick.I went with her and had to sort out how we could get another flight home the next day. This entailed getting a taxi to Heathrow as she was still shaky and we had to get a wheelchair at the airport.The fare was £30 and she refused to give me any money as her reasoning was that she had already paid the travel agent for her return journey.
When DH was alive he was always the driver, he loved driving and would take a car full of his fellow singers to his singing group half an hour's drive from us. The other cars were parked in our driveway.
Since he died the group has started up again and a lady in her late 80s drives.
I went with them recently and felt very protective towards this kind lady. They stop for tea and scones at a café and only I offered to pay!
I realise now that DH will have paid more than his share.
There is one equally old lady who pleads poverty and tells us how she used to drive in the past in a previous life and seems to think that's OK.
Perhaps she's right and it's only me who "minds"?
Well done M0nica.
I can't believe the cheek of it.
I hope your husband is resting and getting stronger.
That must have been very satisfying! Too many people are afraid to say 'no'. I hope it taught them a lesson.
Winniewit, Curtaintwitcher There is nothing to beat that white hot lightening bolt of fury that goes through one when people act like this, to give you the resolve to say 'no'.
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