How late can a birthday present be?

nandad I do want to add… I think your friend is a little selfish. You don’t have to bend over backwards to appease her birthday. Do it as you’re able. She’s lucky to have you as a friend to begin with.

Does she have problems or issues with other upcoming appointments or events?

I have a close friend who I see very infrequently. I know she does things with other people (so do I) but our friendship is such that we can cancel or rearrange or not get round to planning things with no ill feeling.

Her husband has died and she misses him.
I am happy to be the person she calls when she feels miserable. It's a small thing really - even if it's 10pm. I have my lovely husband and she no longer has hers.

She can fill her "social" days with "froth", and the grandchildren and she keeps as busy as she can. She can see other friends when she's "upbeat" - but I feel privileged that she knows I'm always there whether she is or isn't feeling very "whole".

When we do get together we have the most marvellous time. I love her a lot and we laugh (and sometimes, yes, cry), and look back over the 40+ years we have known each other. We look forward to our holidays, talk about the news, books, gardens, family - we have a lot in common.

It took nearly a year to get her to come out with me once and I still don't have the small item I know she has for me from Christmas.

So what is different I wonder - between this successful, "random" rather irregular and rolling friendship that I enjoy eith my friend and the one that nandad has with her friend?

I think maybe it's not that the other person loves her less as many seem to think - it may be that her friend feels so comfortable with her. It could be that nandad has an expectation that the other person is thinking of the friendship in the same way as they do - that it's about outings and talking about different things and not just a relationship of mutual support that since she obviously has problems and thinks you are her rock.

I know others will say "don't get walked over" - but I say you are probably a truly valued friend who she is safe with.
Try to ignore forthcoming Fridays or simply suggest it yourself.
"When should we meet up to celebrate my birthday "x"? I'm going to be ready to celebrate yours soon"

Happy Birthday! 💐

Maybe she's trying to tell you she has outgrown your birthday arrangements and would like to stop them.

nandad

Maybe I am being unreasonable, reading the responses. However, she only works part time hours the four days she works. We are usually on the phone for an hour each time with me listening to her problems, she doesn’t unburden herself to her other friends as she doesn’t want to come across as a whinge! But, she does make time to meet up with her work colleagues or people from her past on Fridays, so I guess maybe I feel a bit put out that my birthday takes so long to be celebrated.

It sounds to me like you are the 'phone buddy' who listens to all of her woes and that's mostly what she wants from you.

Is there any mutual sharing and listening or is it just one way?
If it's just one way I'd be reassessing what the relationship actually is. I'd be feeling put upon if the exchanges were not mutual.

Really, so long as it's before your next birthday it's never too late! However I don't think its working for you and the taking each other out for lunch almost negates the other. So, you buy one lunch, your friend buys the next is actually the same as going halves each time. Why not have a joint birthday celebration with afternoon tea somewhere nice at any time you choose and do this once a year, you both go halves for this.

The French have a saying il y a toujours un qui baise et l’autre qui tend la joue
Which roughly means there is always a giver (the one who gives the kiss) and a taker (the other who offers their cheek)-
So as in love, so in friendship, some friends are “givers” others “givees “ and it’s up to you to decide if the friendship is worth the imbalance.
It may well be that you value her friendship more than your irritation at her dappiness- I have friends like that .
You could sort the meal issue if that is all that is bothering you . But if not, cut your losses kindly and move on.

NotSpaghetti

I have a close friend who I see very infrequently. I know she does things with other people (so do I) but our friendship is such that we can cancel or rearrange or not get round to planning things with no ill feeling.

Her husband has died and she misses him.
I am happy to be the person she calls when she feels miserable. It's a small thing really - even if it's 10pm. I have my lovely husband and she no longer has hers.

She can fill her "social" days with "froth", and the grandchildren and she keeps as busy as she can. She can see other friends when she's "upbeat" - but I feel privileged that she knows I'm always there whether she is or isn't feeling very "whole".

When we do get together we have the most marvellous time. I love her a lot and we laugh (and sometimes, yes, cry), and look back over the 40+ years we have known each other. We look forward to our holidays, talk about the news, books, gardens, family - we have a lot in common.

It took nearly a year to get her to come out with me once and I still don't have the small item I know she has for me from Christmas.

So what is different I wonder - between this successful, "random" rather irregular and rolling friendship that I enjoy eith my friend and the one that nandad has with her friend?

I think maybe it's not that the other person loves her less as many seem to think - it may be that her friend feels so comfortable with her. It could be that nandad has an expectation that the other person is thinking of the friendship in the same way as they do - that it's about outings and talking about different things and not just a relationship of mutual support that since she obviously has problems and thinks you are her rock.

I know others will say "don't get walked over" - but I say you are probably a truly valued friend who she is safe with.
Try to ignore forthcoming Fridays or simply suggest it yourself.
"When should we meet up to celebrate my birthday "x"? I'm going to be ready to celebrate yours soon"

Happy Birthday! 💐

I could almost have written the first paragraph of this myself. My 70th birthday was at the beginning of September, but it was late December before my dear friend finally got around to taking me out to lunch. We had a lovely time catching up and we were both simply glad to be together - at last. 😄

Thank you all for your support and words of wisdom. Maybe I’m a little sensitive around my birthday, for reasons I won’t go in to (my friend knows about this) and expected my friend to understand and, well be more of a friend. She has been in touch and we are going out in April, 7 weeks after my birthday, close to Easter so I will treat it as an Easter celebration. Xx

nandad - I'm delighted you have a date booked in!
Hooray!

Please don't "treat it as an Easter celebration" if she's taking you out for a birthday meal ..that doesn't feel right - even if it is later than you expected.

Why not book in an Easter "Coffee and Cake" day with your friends - maybe a couple of weeks after your birthday meal if you want to celebrate Easter?

*with your friend

I don't think it's matters when you meet, just that you meet. We're talking about adults after all, not like kids who need to celebrate on the day. Just be available for her bday weeks after as well.

If this happens every year and your friend eventually treats you to lunch- what is the problem?

Never too late, last year we celebrated my friend's birthday six weeks after the actual date. She only has Fridays free so if other things arise we just have to reschedule.