Would you be a little hurt…

DonnaB5959

Yes, I would be hurt. I would feel rejected and upset. I think those are the true normal human reactions and you should not feel badly for having those feelings.

Having said that - I think One option would be us to say “ How lovely. And then next year it can be two weeks with just us - our turn. We know how you try to be fair re time with yourselves and the grandchildren so I expect that is what you were thinking. We should start now to plan what we will do with OUR two weeks”.

I was quoting, didn't carry to my post.

Cateq

My lovely late MIL came on holiday with severals times and spent most mother days and Christmas with us because she felt most comfortable being with us and when she’d had enough of our boys she asked to be taken home. There was never any arguments we were just happy to spend time with her. Where as my nil’s wife definitely preferred her side of the family and she didn’t try to hide, which my mil was hurt by. Now my boys are grown up we have no expectations of being favoured over our dil’s families, we just enjoy whatever time we get to spend with them.

Surely noone would say that and expect to be invited to anything again.

Unfortunately being the mum of sons we always second to the dil family no matter what it is and I truly don’t think that there they aware of doing this. Mines always saying must include you more. Dil to be said when go wedding dress shopping you have to come. I said yes that would be nice. Few weeks later she said oh did I tell you me and my mum got my dress so I was forgot. My other dil brought her wedding dress with me but me and her mum live few hundred miles away, so that was why she went separately. Have you asked your son why you haven’t been invited this time

There was never any rivalry between me and my DiLs' parents. I went on many caravan holidays with DS1 and his family. I liked his parents very much and am so sad now that they have died and left me sole GP. My ex lives about 8000 miles away and isn't interested. When our boys were young, we lived in the Midlands, my parents in Yorkshire and his in Kent. Distance is a great solution to potential rivalry.

Only my son has children and we have never suffered from this DiL's family coming first. Nor did DH's parents, we were meticulously fair in how we spread our time.

In fact it was my mother who thought we favoured DH's parents (who she got on very well with them). It was just that DH's parents didn't drive and were older and iller, so as they aged we did need to prioritise them.

As far as DiL is concerned, the two families have become one, we stay with each other, have holidayed together and DiL's mother, being local and a widow has played a very different role in our shared DGC's lives than us.

DonnaB5959

Yes, I would be hurt. I would feel rejected and upset. I think those are the true normal human reactions and you should not feel badly for having those feelings.

Having said that - I think One option would be us to say “ How lovely. And then next year it can be two weeks with just us - our turn. We know how you try to be fair re time with yourselves and the grandchildren so I expect that is what you were thinking. We should start now to plan what we will do with OUR two weeks”.

TWO WEEKS 😱

some of these can hardly be serious.

NotSpaghetti

My sentiments exactly. It's been a long time since I was with my children's father, but if a two week holiday with his parents had been suggested I would have declined forcefully. That said, two weeks with my own parents wouldn't happen either, as much I adore them! They'd probably say the same, mind

I guess maybe your DIL does think their last trip with you was a bit of a disappointment because you were taken ill, and she doesn’t want to risk a repeat? I would just “park” the whole issue for now, and maybe make tentative suggestions later in the year about a weekend away in 2025? I can also see that she would be far more comfortable going away with her own parents than a MIL!

OP, I think your son has a lot to answer for. In any good marriage a husband and wife should be a united front. He should not be telling you how upset he is behind his wife's back or sharing her private medical details with you against her will.

He needs to cut the apron strings and grow up. He has his own little family now which should be his priority. Happy wife, happy life as they say. I suspect his running to mummy does nothing to endear DIL to you.

Maybe have a wee chat with her and ask if there was anything you did that has maybe made her not want holidays with her in laws. Being open with her means you might get the real reason, which might not be as hurtful as it appears to be. This way she can explain if she is considering one holiday with one side of the family and alternating it.. as I think having both sets of parents could become overwhelming, and they maybe can’t afford 3 holidays per year, one with her parents, one with you, and one for themselves. Just ask as a matter of interest, not as you’ve taken offence.

Most working people get about 4 weeks’ holiday, plus bank holidays. Apart from going away on holiday, working parents have to take odd days off for school-related events or if a child is ill. Just how much holiday allowance do this couple have, which parents want to monopolise?

did you expect to go on holidaying with them every year ?
it seems an unsustainable situation to me.

Germanshepherdsmum

Most working people get about 4 weeks’ holiday, plus bank holidays. Apart from going away on holiday, working parents have to take odd days off for school-related events or if a child is ill. Just how much holiday allowance do this couple have, which parents want to monopolise?

I asked this way upthread, but there has been no response. I would also like to know whether the OP and her son have been talking behind the DIL’s back.

The first summer aftef DH died DS and DIL invited me to join them on holiday abroad.. I took up their genetous offer. Same for this year with DSs inlaws joining us as they jokingly expressed they were miffed they hadn't been invited last year. They did though fully understand why I had been invited as they have several holidays on their own each year. We all get on really well. I would not be upset if I had not been asked if I wanted to go again. Just because I was included once doesn't mean I should be again.

I'd be interested to know how many years these holidays have been going on for, and how old the grandchildren are now?
As we age, and as our grandchildren get older, I'm sure everyone has different ideas about how they spend their precious holiday time. Things change, and don't always stay the same.

Personally, even though it's upsetting to you that DiL has still arranged a holiday with her own parents, I'd just let things be, and try to accept that, for whatever reason, she doesn't want to spend holiday time with you. Don't dwell on the reasons why, and don't push for answers, as I think this could have the potential for causing more upset to you, or it could annoy your DiL and make your future relationship difficult ... it's really not worth it.

Holidays are important, and most folks want to spend time away doing what they enjoy doing, with people who they enjoy the company of, and not feeling obligated to spend time with others when they would prefer not to. Your DiL possibly doesn't feel as comfortable around you as she does with her own parents, and that's only natural, we're all different.

Concentrate on spending time with your other family members, who enjoy spending time with you.

She could be worried that it was too much for you and you might be taken ill again. If the children are young, they may not have understood your illness and might be scared you'll be ill again!
Or, she could be tightening the money belt and not want to tell you they can't afford 2 holidays this year.

It is I believe an anthropological fact of kinship relations in our society , that sons generally accede to their wives ' preferences.

I bet Google has statistics that show the OP 's experience is common.

There are so many possible reasons though Ali08 - including health as you say - the health of the OP, that of the daughter-in-law's parents or even the health of the daughter-in-law herself...
Who knows...
If MoaningTurtle doesn't know this is all speculation.

My own speculation is that the idea of doing holidays with both grandparents individually every year will become a "habit" soon that is easier broken now than in another 5 years.

It's a bit like Christmas (as someone suggested earlier) and sometimes things develop gradually without you noticing. Making changes always upsets someone.

You nearly died last year? Are you sure you are well enough to go on holiday? Maybe your Dil is concerned whether you are well enough or not, holidays are precious and I wouldn't one to spend it taking care or worrying about anyone. I want to create memories with my family. Let it go, focus on getting better, don't be bitter.

No I wouldn't be upset
The key here is they choose who they go away on holiday with.

It seems odd to me to go on holiday with in-laws regularly.
Occasionally is ok, but only occasionally.
I only ever had one holiday with my son's in-laws. There were quite a lot of us. It was great actually, but I wouldn't want to do it all the time.
So, no, I wouldn't feel hurt. But I can understand that you feel hurt, as it was a regular occurrence. I hope it will be resolved.

Why do some parents think they should be invited on holidays don’t they think their children want to have their own holidays
Good grief I expected my children to go off where they want when they want and was happy for them

I did go on a few holidays to help with the evening babysitting when they were little and have been on some other holidays since, when asked, but NEVER expected or asked to go I accepted fully that their own family was their prioririty
I did go on one holiday with my youngest and her then husbands mum and dad it was ok w all took a turn and came together for an evening meal

I don’t believe in living in your children’s pockets let them go where they want, with who they want, and be happy

I ve never understood this rivalry My son moved to the other side of the world and lives around the corner from her family and that’s just how it is His choice entirely, made no difference to us
Accept their views and leave them to live their life……. stop expecting to be always in their lives

This sort of situation happens so often in families. It's unfortunate that when you marry, you become part of someone else's family as well as your own. It's taken for granted that you'll spend time with both.
Personally, I would prefer not to spend holidays with any relatives. The children don't always get on with each other, never mind the adults.

I think that almost every year since we married we have spent some time on a holiday, short or long, with family, first our parents, now our children

It has always been entirely adhoc, no one counted up how much we spent with each family, often it was short weekend breaks and it did not stop us having a holiday every year that was just us and the children. We are currently selling a holiday home in France, where we have had family holidays every year for over 30 years. It hasn't stopped our children and grandchildren having lots of holidays without us.

We do not live in each other's pockets on holiday, different groups go to different places during the day and meet in the evenings. We live in each other's pockets even less in the UK as we live 200 miles apart.

Perhaps we are unusual, as mine and my DH's parents always got on well and became friends, my parents having my MiL to stay after she was widowed. In turn we are good friends with our DiL's mother and usually stay with her when we visit our son and family and will spend time with her separate from time spent with the rest of the family.