Would you be a little hurt…

Perhaps your DIL is worried about your health? It must have been very upsetting, for all of them almost losing you while on holiday. She may feel that it’s too much responsibility. Other than that I agree with many others comments except the ones calling your DIL a controlling whatnot. Just take a breath and accept things as they are

How big is the holiday? Maybe book a big house in the UK for a long weekend and invite them to come for as long or as short a time as they like? could you invite her folks as well?

Sounds like your DIL rules the roost but to comment that DS is not 'allowed' to take children away on his own rings some alarm bells.
Can understand that if both working then holiday time is scarce and taking 2 separate hols with grandparents may stop them having a holiday with just their own children.
I can understand you are upset but for the sake of DS and family harmony I would just keep quiet, you can't do anything about it, the decision has been made. Maybe you can make some other arrangements to see more of DS and grandchildren?

Cambsnan

How big is the holiday? Maybe book a big house in the UK for a long weekend and invite them to come for as long or as short a time as they like? could you invite her folks as well?

And if they can't make it, or don't want to come? Does the DIL get no say on where and with whom she spends her time off? She's already had offensive and sexist insults thrown at her (not by you, Cambsnan), is assumed to be a harridan, and more, because the family has not asked the OP to join them on holiday. Manipulating her into going whether she likes it or not is unlikely to help, IMO.

MoaningTurtle, how do you know your son is upset by the arrangements? Have you been discussing your DIL with him behind her back? I would see that as a huge betrayal in her shoes, and if anything would put me off seeing my MIL as part of my close family it would be that sort of behaviour.

M0nica

Like Notspaghetti it wouldn't bother me at all, but then we talk everything through in our immediate and extended family. So this would have been discussed, understood and complied with.

You would talk through the fact that your DIL resented you being taken seriously ill and decided not to allow it to spoil her holiday again? Saint Monica?

No, I wouldn't be upset at all.
I wouldn't have wanted to go, so it would save me having to make excuses.

No, wouldn't be upset at all.

Moanin turtle I get that and I would feel the same, perhaps it’s because you were ill last year and don’t want to put strain on you? However I also find parents of sons come way down the list of priorities . My grandchildren don’t live with their dad and he lives 2 hours away from them so when he has his children we don’t push, however as the gc live very near us we used to have them every Thursday for dinner . Covid stopped all that and in the course of the epidemic they went to teenagers with all that entails . So when the country’s opened up I understood when exdil said because if clubs etc it would be difficult to restart , however two years later we have discovered they have been going to her mothers every week for dinner without exdil and grandma is very involved with them . Won’t rock the boat but am hurt as they turn to us for help with clothes etc ,I guess as long as they know we are here for them .😪

I'm shocked at comments made about the DIL, we don't know the situation or why she just wants a holiday with her parents, may there isn't the time /money for 2 holidays, don't over think the being ill part either

It’s supposed to be a holiday, not a war zone. And why wouldn’t the DIL want just a family holiday with just them? You say they have been on holiday with both sets of grandparents, perhaps they could do with a break from all of that? It’s a bit like “We had Christmas with your family last year”! Relax, let them do their own thing, I expect you did yours?

Yes I can understand why you would feel hurt. I would too. But I think what happened on your holiday last year has had a knock on effect. It must have been dreadfully stressful and worrying for everyone. Your DIL may well be feeling concerned you are still not well enough.

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Why don't you all go and have the one holiday together , both sets of grandparents can then enjoy time together too with the grandchildren

One woman’s holiday imo can be another woman’s nightmare. My DH and his mother were and still are obsessed with holidays so much so that I dreaded telling mil if we were going away. As she was widowed and a very angry widow I felt we could take her on holiday every three years ( she had three children) we always had to pander to her preferences- DH always paying for her accommodation and her drinks bill. She always chose the most exotic items on the menu and then when they weren’t what she thought someone had to swap. She had to be the first to go the loo on comfort stops even though we had two small children for some of those holidays and would leave a mess( the generation of women who hovered above the seat!) her other grandchildren had to be bought presents as “ they didn’t have expensive holidays like you do”
I’m assuming op is not remotely like this but i dont go on holiday with my children and family but offer to take them if they wish. I’m not bothered either way any more.

I only really went on holiday with my mum when we realised nobody else wanted us on theirs.

we never went away with either set of parents on holiday, just visited their homes or they came to us. I don't think we would have had enough common interests.. Why don't you invite the grandchildren to stay with you for a few days and give their parents a chance to go away together?

Yes I would be sad,but you mustn’t show it,just say I quite understand & book a nice little trip for yourselves.View it from your daughter-in-laws side,busy all year with children,husband,work etc she probably needs a rest & to do completely as she wants with her family.Figure out something special you can do for a day with them later on & make that your special time with your sons family.

It is fairly common that, as wives do most of the organising, things tend to be in favour of HER parents.
Is it possible that they cannot afford 3 holidays any more? You may get your chance next year?

Cynnybobbooboo66

Why don't you all go and have the one holiday together , both sets of grandparents can then enjoy time together too with the grandchildren

Read the thread.

Yes, I would be hurt. I would feel rejected and upset. I think those are the true normal human reactions and you should not feel badly for having those feelings.

Having said that - I think One option would be us to say “ How lovely. And then next year it can be two weeks with just us - our turn. We know how you try to be fair re time with yourselves and the grandchildren so I expect that is what you were thinking. We should start now to plan what we will do with OUR two weeks”.

My lovely late MIL came on holiday with severals times and spent most mother days and Christmas with us because she felt most comfortable being with us and when she’d had enough of our boys she asked to be taken home. There was never any arguments we were just happy to spend time with her. Where as my nil’s wife definitely preferred her side of the family and she didn’t try to hide, which my mil was hurt by. Now my boys are grown up we have no expectations of being favoured over our dil’s families, we just enjoy whatever time we get to spend with them.

DonnaB5959

Yes, I would be hurt. I would feel rejected and upset. I think those are the true normal human reactions and you should not feel badly for having those feelings.

Having said that - I think One option would be us to say “ How lovely. And then next year it can be two weeks with just us - our turn. We know how you try to be fair re time with yourselves and the grandchildren so I expect that is what you were thinking. We should start now to plan what we will do with OUR two weeks”.

Very manipulative.

It is. And a fast track to estrangement.

I agree.
You really can't blame young couples for opting out of these arrangements, when they become more of an obligation.

Anyway, who would be happy to go away, knowing they had manipulated their family into including them?

Really?

Your feelings would be "hurt" because someone else didn't choose to spend their holiday as you wished?

Second paragraph: NO, do not ever be that selfish.

Work on amusing yourself, perhaps?