Gransnet forums

AIBU

Step daughter's behaviour

(31 Posts)
Sarahr Sat 27-Jul-24 17:52:46

My step daughter (sd) visited in 2017 and caused a lot of upset, to put it mildly. Her Dad decided to pull away and we came to the conclusion that we were better off without her. Last October she got back in touch with her father. In May she asked if she could visit with her husband and baby. We agreed and pulled out all the stops to make their visit a good one. We had to hire a car for the week, picked them up from the airport, 130 miles away. While they were here her husband paid for a coffee just once, using his phone app as she held the purse strings. We took them out to various places, including a zoo park and a National Trust house & garden. We ended up paying for their entrance as they hadn't got any English money. Poor excuse really, as bank/credit cards can be used worldwide. We took them out to a lovely hotel restaurant on her Birthday, which we were happy to pay for as it was a special occasion.
My husband's Grandson was a treasure, but I wasn't allowed to hold him or push him in his buggy. She took him away every time I tried to play with him. My dh managed to hold him briefly when she went to the ladies while we were out but she took the baby straight off him when she came back.
She was downright rude to me, never said "please" or "thank you", I fed them, looked after them, even helped her make a card for her s-in-l with my card maker. She took great delight in offering the chocolates we gave her for her Birthday to my dh and her dh, but I got the look that said "ha! you aren't having one and Dad hasn't noticed".
We could have had a good 2 weeks holiday in our campervan, with meals out and visits with what we spent. To cap it all, I found the books, I personally gave the baby, hidden at the bottom of the box of toys I keep for little visitors to play with, and I have just crawled around looking under all the furniture for a whole load of duplo that has vanished into thin air.
We had already had the discussion about whether they will be welcome to stay with us again and we both agreed, no. I feel quite sick to think she may have taken the duplo without asking. I would have given her some, had she asked, despite her behaviour towards me.
I spent the whole time they were here feeling terrible but carried on smiling and treating her well. I am not one for confrontation and, after her previous visit, I was prepared to believe she might have changed. Her husband, by the way was nice, but under her thumb.
If our Grandson wants to visit when he's old enough, then he's welcome, but I can't see him being allowed to.
I think it is so sad that sd can behave the way she did. Her Dad has told me he doesn't want her to visit again, but he will speak to her should she decide to phone, and message back if she texts.

pascal30 Mon 29-Jul-24 20:06:55

eazybee

So the father walked out on his daughter because her mother (his wife?) was abusing her daughter's daughter, her grandchild?

Really?Why did he have no choice but to leave?

I did wonder why he had had nor contact for seven years, even though he apparently knew their address; he could have visited it.

yeah right....

Sarahr Wed 31-Jul-24 20:43:29

Madgran77. Thank you. You have hit the nail on the head. SD has issues around her dd finding peace and happiness. Unfortunately, when you are in an abusive relationship it can often be the children who suffer when the abused is no longer there.
We are happy with our life together. This episode with sd has upset us both. We agree that we don't differentiate between mine and his off-spring. My dh has discussed his dd with his friend and has told me that his conclusion remains the same. We will not be letting his dd stay in our house. If she does want a visit in the future she will have to hire her own car from the airport and find an hotel. We will meet, but dh won't put up with anymore of her nonsense.

Tuaim Thu 01-Aug-24 07:15:06

I just don't have the strength or will to entertain people anymore. I have a cousin who has a most rude daughter and granddaughter and brother. I entertained them once and once was enough. I just made up so many excuses from migraines to not feeling up to it that they leave me alone now. I think they think I am some poor ailing soul but it did get rid of them without being blunt.

Bonnybanko Thu 01-Aug-24 07:44:04

I’ve a step Grandaughter who doesn’t care a fig about me she’s never ever visited me in my home in bonny Scotland even although I’ve extended her several invitations to visit. I’d love a visit from her .
I’ve never treated her any different from my other grandchildren and I've sent her lots of gifts over the years for her birthday and Christmases , in fact I’ve been very generous to her and her partner I only keep in touch with her to please my son who brought her up from 4 yrs old.
I wonder if she’ll ever pay me a visit? Does she know how much sorrow I feel when she refuses to see me - what more can I do?

Carenza123 Thu 01-Aug-24 07:58:09

At the end of the day - family dynamics are at times complex. Just be in tune with your DH and agree to stepping back from such a situation again. You know you have been hospitable, kind and forgiving, but enough is enough. Concentrate on yourselves - enjoying life and also positive people.