Family aren’t living locally

Well done Stillness for taking a more positive attitude to your situation.
My AC are also far away, though still in the UK. We speak often, a great comfort to me.

My daughter and family live in Australia. My son and his family are in London, 150 miles away. I am widowed in my mid seventies and still drive to visit them. I think you should count your blessings and not get too needy. It's your choice not to move nearer by what you say.

The pattern was clear with my 3 DDs. Two of them already had boyfriends locally when they went to uni so would come back a lot to see them and eventually married them, had families and stayed round here.

One did not have a local boyfriend and met her future husband at uni, so stayed in that area.

I understand your sadness at not being close to family but I think it is swings and roundabouts really. The relationships that I have with nearby family are different but equally satisfying as that with those further away. Whatsapp has been a real blessing and I am on and off there with my away DD and her children a lot. And when we do see each other it is for a few days and is very special.

I am of course more directly involved with the local families, but not in their pockets, nor popping in without warning so when they are busy I sometimes hear more from the away DD than from the locals. .

It is worth remembering that there are some grans on here who feel that too much is expected of them as regards GC care for local GC!!

I do hope that you can be at peace with your circumstances and enjoy the time you have with them all.

I do feel for you, we are in a similar position. My three older DGCs live in Poland. But frequent videocalls help a lot, especially when they are sitting round the table having their tea as they stay in one place then
Staying with them for the odd weekend isn't difficult but it does take organising. I look forward to the day when they are old enough to come and stay with us for a week or so on their own. Bunk beds are the answer!

I'm 73 ans my one close daughter wants to move quite a long way from me in the next 3-5 years. At further daughter did say she would stay local which is about a 5 minute drive from me but now she is saying she might move further away, maybe to tbe same place as her Mum. I have two other daughters about an 45 mins to an hour away but if I was not able to drive, I doubt I would see them very often. High days and holidays or if I requested my hedge cut. Its worrying as I would really like to stay where I am. I have the choice of moving to where the next eldest is or waiting and moving with my middle daughter in 3 or 5 years which would mean moving at 78 years old. Not a very pleasing situation. I dont know if I want to move at all but I won't stop her. She would get a better life there where she already has friends and some who are almost family.

Hello I'm in a similar boat and would love a child or grandchild to pop round etc. but it will never be. All three of our children are abroad and will not come back: one in France with French husband and two little ones, one has a settled happy life in Malaysia and third is in Switzerland with three children. All have good jobs and are happy. Two come back every year the third one thinks London is unsafe. We spend a lot of money and fuel going over 2/3 times a year and once if we're lucky to SE Asia. Like you I'm not grumbling but a little wistful. And don't let anyone say 'oh how lovely, the holidays you can have'!!

I have no children nor grandchildren, but I have plenty of friends who do. Believe me, it's the quality of your relationships and the respect they show you that matters, not the distance!
Maybe use Zoom etc to speak to them ad hoc face to face to help you stay in better day-to-day, ordinary contact with them so it is not 'an occasion'?

My daughter lives 2 minutes away, she can see my flat from her garden. My son however, moved to the next city, which granted isn't far but he and his wife both work full time. I looked after their son twice a week from him being 6 months old to when he started school last September, now I barely see him although I often invite him for a sleepover. But even that's not as often as I'd like due to weekend commitments they have.

I live in hope that one day they'll decide living near me is a good thing.

My only grandchild lives 4 hours away by car (much longer if I take train/bus) but lives ten minutes from his other Grandparents, not that I am at all jealous

You must be positive and be grateful that they only live 100 miles away. I have one daughter and she and her family live 4000 miles away in USA. Of course I would love to be able to just pop in and give them all a hug, but I am just so happy that they are all doing so well in their new life. We manage at the moment to get over there once a year, even though we are in our eighties. Try to stay positive, being miserable doesn’t help your situation at all.

That's life, Stillness, isn't it?
At least you have a husband.
I'm an octogenarian , living on my own, in Berks. whilst daughter and partner live in Cheshire, with their young sons.(12 and 16)
They do their best to visit as much as possible, and that's great, but what I do envy is those grandparents' ability to get to know their grandchildren really well, if they live nearby. Although I have a good relationship with the boys, I just don't know them well, and they don;t know ME well. Nor can I offer to take on the occasional responsibility of looking after them. I really do feel jealous of friends who see their GCs often, but there's no point in whinging about it. If I'm still around when they get older, perhaps I will get to know them a bit better.

I hope the op has settled down now. I do hope so. She posted her op in August 2024

I feel your pain Stillness. You say there is no possibility that you can move to be near your family. Have you really considered every option? I only ask because I was in a very similar position to you. After much soul searching decided I had only one life and moved near to my son, daughter in law and grandchildren. The best decision I have ever made.

I lived away when children were very young and did miss my family but realised that was my life. Only when parents were needing a bit TLC did we move nearer. My parents did not want us to move nearer saying they'd basically had their life and I was to get on with mine. Now being of their age they were at that time I realise I too would not want family to move nearer nor would I move. Your family made their decision and hopefully they enjoy their life where they are. You have to accept it is their life, very unlikely you can change it. Concentrate on the keeping in touch and the visits you do have.

All 4 of my children went to uni and never came home to live except for short intervals.
Now my son and his family live a 6h drive away and the 3 girls all moved to Edinburgh which is nearer but too far for popping in !
I'm grateful the girls have each other for support though I sometimes feel like that's now the default position and I am sidelined.
However, it is no good feeling sad and moping, however much you miss them .
I think that's a bit self indulgent really.
My late Mum would say " you give them wings and let them fly "
I remember that when I am feeling lonely.
We did exactly that and now they should be free to live their own lives .
I am grateful they do come to stay quite often..and we are always pleased to wave goodbye too !

Due to my past and then divorce my two eldest adult children an d 5 grandchildren live in France!
One on the outskirts of Paris and my middle one in Soissons, Aisne. Due to Brexit Eurostar only leaves from London! The whole experience is horrendous and we are treated like cattle fodder! I find it extremely expensive and stressful. So don’t go anymore.
My youngest duly daughter and husband and two boys live in Sevenoaks, Kent. Which is 45 minutes (A23/M23/M25) on a good run.
I’m lucky I see them weekly !
The separations are difficult, family gatherings rare.
But I’m so very grateful for the amazing kindness of my eldest and youngest daughters who include me in their summer holidays.
I never see my middle daughter

Both DDs live 60 miles away, which is not too bad - 1.5 hour drive.
TBH though, it’s pretty normal to me to not have family around the corner. I never have - and for many years we were a 7-8 hour flight away.
My parents never had any family close by, either.

Son and family( two grandkids) in NZ for last 30 years,I won’t go again it’s too far for me now, one daughter and 3 grandkids in Europe for last 25 years, easier to get to, but not round the corner. Eldest and two grandkids were also in Europe until her partner, father of her two young children died she then returned to Uk nearby so I could help.
For now one grandaughter has been in Australia two years a grandson working in Scotland other end of the country Another is travelling round the Far East hopefully will settle back but won’t be nearby as she’s been offered a job 200 miles away
It’s what we have to do, bring them up to be confident enough to do what they know is best for them.

I truly believe that we must accept that our children fly wherever they need too and we give them support and get on with our own lives, and now we can have online chats, instant photos, videos, so much more ability to keep in touch than when we were growing up.
Be happy for them

One of our daughter's and 2 grandchildren live 8,000 miles away. I'm just grateful they happy and we are able to visit whenever we can. Thank goodness for video calls.

Whilst I do have one AC and their family living literally round the corner my other AC and their family live in Southern France, whilst we do see them several times a year as well as video calling fairly regularly it breaks my heart that I can hold them in my arms as often as I’d like, but I do realise that I’m a lot luckier than people whose children have moved to the likes of America or Australia from the UK and I try to remind myself that by them to have the courage to move abroad and not be afraid to spread their wings and soar is a measure of my success in their upbringing to believe in themselves.
I’m a hobby sewist and make the children sweatshirts etc and send them to them that way I hope they can feel a bit of me hugging them from afar

I am an only child and so is my husband so we delighted in our 2 children, now they live at opposite ends of the globe and my grandchildren are 4000 miles away, this is not what I wanted but I want them to be happy, it’s just the way it’s worked out but it’s really really tough

Both my grown up children live/work overseas. My daughter is in Dubai, UAE with her little son (currently my only grandchild) and her husband. My son is in Zurich with his wife. As the children of expats I can’t pretend to be surprised they both chose to live/work overseas and I’m happy to travel to visit them as I’m still young / healthy enough to travel easily. I’m so relieved I spent a month in Dubai with my grandson in December / early January as currently travelling to Dubai is difficult. I’m hopeful I will be able to travel to the UAE in October to meet my second grandchild once s/he is born. In the meantime we enjoy family Zoom calls on a weekly basis so I still get to see my little grandson who smiles as soon as he sees me before running off to play for a bit, then returning to kiss the screen and saying hello Gaga …. Can I suggest you use Zoom / Microsoft Teams / Google Meetings to see your grandchildren more often? I’m sure you can work something out with your own family.

Although we have 4 DC and they all have DC, they have all moved away.
From 20miles across the city to 12,000 miles in NZ. We talk to the faraway ones on video calls at least once a week.

I see the nearest ones more frequently but it has never been very often and now my DH has died I rely on good friends for company.

Now my friends are leaving too......
Some have decided to live near their DC to help out.

I have never thought I would do that though if needed I would drop everything to help.

I don't want to be a burden to my kids.

I know how you feel as mine all live away - 62; 182and 325 miles away and we do see them but the 5 changes of train Sunday returning including a horrid bus transfer with someone just in front of me vomiting including over the girl who didn’t know him , 🤮, were a bit much . 3 men got thrown off the bus . However I know people with children in Australia; New Zealand , USA and even China so comparatively lucky 🍀! It seems if they are well educated and go off to Uni they don't always return. On the other hand if they do an apprenticeship and become plumber , electrician , hair dresser etc they are more likely to stay near where they were brought up . Just an observation . That’s just life I suppose .

I am thankful that all my 3 children and their families, live locally. My daughter and 2 sons work full time. My daughter pops in regularly. I hardly see my sons. One works away a lot and the other is extremely busy. Depending on their family plans, i am sometimes invited on a Saturday or Sunday.
My d.ils parents also live locally, so it’s natural they see more of them. But I have learnt to accept it.
That’s the way the cookie crumbles, as the saying goes.