Is my husband tactless or cruel?

ClareAB has posted several times before over the years. She’s not a bot!

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I am definitely not a bot. Just a human who is usually pretty private.
I think the nuance is hard to convey. My problem isn't that my husband messaged the boys. It's that he chose to tell me how thoughtless they were, at a time when I was extremely low both mentally and physically. There was no need in my view. Kindness should always be the guide. The dog and lumps? I just lost my sister to cancer, do you honestly think I wouldn't have gone on high alert if he had said something before?
Some of the people replying here need to work out what their motivation is when responding.
If it ain't true, necessary or kind, why would you?
To those who were gracious and kind, thank you.

The truth is, i think we are all feeling for you in your current situation but we are also aware that even very close and loving adult children can be thoughtless sometimes.

I expect he commented out of frustration.
He cares for you and is probably feeling useless and afraid too.

Just try to set it aside and get well.

you say 'he has no idea why you are upset and hurt'

Well tell him then

I think a lot of men need to do something when they are upset. In his way he is calling your sons to action when he sees you upset and ill.

I hope you can see this as his way of trying to help you, and I hope you start feeling better soon.

I apologise for the comments I made, but there were reasons for my post.
I have also experienced the loss of a close sibling recently, but I lost my husband too so have no one to help me out in these matters.
I'm now of the understanding your DH is not the father of your sons, and so that may colour the family relationships you have.
I don't have a dog either, but can understand that when lumps appear it would be a worry. Did you not notice the lumps yourself?
My motivation in responding was simply to sort out if your post was genuine, because sometimes it is hard to tell.
Now I know it was I wish you well.

In your own words your boys 'are you and selfish' but you balk at your husband for letting them know you're ill, what's the problem here?

He may have mentioned the lumps on the dog and it's gone right over your head because you're ill and still grieving!

Give the bloke a chance!!

Maybe some things to think about:
1. Why do you think his actions were in your words to " try to undermine my security re my boys?

2. Why should his actions undermine your security or your boys? Your sons being told the truth doesnt equal undermined security does it?

3. Why are you treating your sons as children rather than grown adults?

4. Have your sons been thoughtless when they know you are bereaved ..they didnt need that spelt out to them to know it? Are you excusing them that thoughtlessness .. is that reasonable without at least being honest with them that you are struggling?

5. Is someone in their 30's "young" and just allowed/expected to be selfish?

6. Is someone in their 30s "young" in
the sense of needing to be protected
from the realities of life like their
Mum needing some support?

7. Does the fact they are dealing with other things mean that even though they care you should deprive them of the chance to make THEIR OWN decisions about what support they can give you?

8. Your husband is dealing with the dog worries. Whether he told you or not he is taking that "job" off your hands and doing the right thing for the dog! Clearly he thought he told you. What do you want to happen in relation to this?

I hope you can get through this. You have sons who care and who are adults and a husband who cares. 💐

IMO your husband is neither being tactless nor cruel. He is worried about you, perhaps about the dog as well, and may well be grieving for your sister.

I am sorry for your loss, but I feel that it combined with covid is making you over-sensitive.

Your sons are his sons too, he has a right to tell them that you are ill, he is worried, and that he would like a little concern or perhaps help from them.

grandtanteJE65

IMO your husband is neither being tactless nor cruel. He is worried about you, perhaps about the dog as well, and may well be grieving for your sister.

I am sorry for your loss, but I feel that it combined with covid is making you over-sensitive.

Your sons are his sons too, he has a right to tell them that you are ill, he is worried, and that he would like a little concern or perhaps help from them.

I think they are his stepsons. They are in their 30s and OP and her husband have been married 17 years. Pluscghe OP said she was on her own with sons for many years. I might be wrong and apologies if I am.

Either way I think he has the right to have a word with the sons/stepsons if he chooses to for the right reasons.

grandtanteJE65

IMO your husband is neither being tactless nor cruel. He is worried about you, perhaps about the dog as well, and may well be grieving for your sister.

I am sorry for your loss, but I feel that it combined with covid is making you over-sensitive.

Your sons are his sons too, he has a right to tell them that you are ill, he is worried, and that he would like a little concern or perhaps help from them.

They are his step sons.

You've been unwell for some time so it would seem that your husband feels that it's time that your sons were aware of the situation. They may be busy but they are old enough to be aware and offer some support to you both. It's unrealistic to try to protect them.

It sounds like the combination of grieving and recovering from covid has made you super sensitive, not surprisingly.. I think your husband is possibly also needing support at the moment. perhaps just talk calmly to him.. He sounds like he cares..

I think you are very fragile at the moment, understandably. Your husband behaved tactlessly out of concern and your boys probably do not need protecting as much as you think they do. He should not have said they don't care enough but I doubt he will again.
You seem to want to handle everything in your own but your husband probably feels concerned and at a bit of a loss how to help you.

I've read all the comments, and want to say a huge thank you. So much warm wisdom.