Maternity finances with DP - does this seem fair?

He is 15 years older. Ex wife from many many years ago. No contact. No children.

He didn't just tell me, he showed me and it's in his will x

It all sounds very clinical with all the spreadsheets etc He would drive me mad with spreadsheets for everything I bet he has one for how many times he goes to the toilet in a day 🤣

Seriously I would nt be giving up my house I d rent it out certainly for the first few years anyway
A husky, 2 cats, a pregnancy and a move sounds a heavy combination to start a new life off
No way would I have a husky and a new baby but that’s just me

MissAdventure

I think it sounds fair, so apart from if you think he is somehow feathering his own nest, then you have nothing to worry about.

Its a bit of a leap of faith, I suppose.

I agree, but you are asking Gransnet, which is OK, but I get the impression you are unsure, in that case, do not sell your house, and maybe only move in when you are sure.

MissAdventure

I think it sounds fair, so apart from if you think he is somehow feathering his own nest, then you have nothing to worry about.

Its a bit of a leap of faith, I suppose.

That’s my instinct too.

He can easily put you in his will, pension and deeds and he can also easily take you off these agreements. Please don’t sell your home.

Is there a reason you are not marrying him Confused

I suppose i don't want to marry him asap before baby born because it would be for the wrong intentions. Ie making me feel secure. He suggested we do that.. I mean, if his intentions were bad, would he suggest that?@

It all sounds very clinical and a bit depressing IMO. You did ask for opinions.
I agree, unless you are married, don't sell your house, you may need it again.
Sorry, but your situation sounds precarious to me.
Good luck with the pregnancy.

Thank you. I don't think I would be able to rent out my home. I only purchased it two years ago and my loan to value is 20% whereas I've read you need to own 25% x

Well I wasn’t thinking of making you secure I was thinking more about the baby Do you want to marry him?
May I ask how old you are Confused ?

Confusedfriend

I suppose i don't want to marry him asap before baby born because it would be for the wrong intentions. Ie making me feel secure. He suggested we do that.. I mean, if his intentions were bad, would he suggest that?@

You don't mention love. Do you love him? This all sounds wrong to me.

I would suggest stay living in your own home if you can't rent it out. Don't move into his place. Keep the arrangement as it is with 2 separate homes.

I think he is being more than fair, both of you have equal responsibility to the home you live in. How will moving in with him work when you end maternity leave though and 2 hours a day are spent in travel?

You seem so unsure of everything, you are asking us things you should be positive about yourself we don’t know him so really can’t help you If you are needing to ask strangers then it’s best you stay where you are
He sounds very old with all his spreadsheets and you sound very young with all your doubts

Oh no I haven't mentioned love. I didn't wsnt to incase i was told i was being naive. I do really lovd him. He's the only person I've wanted kids with and really wanted a future with. I have been .married before, but with my ex husband, I kept putting off the kids chat as I probably knew deep down I didn't want children with him / I wasn't ready and looking back, I wanted the big fairytale wedding. I can't remember being excited about getting married to him speficually, it was all about the wedding. Within months of knowing my current dp, I knew I wanted forever with him. I don't care about a big fancy wedding anymore, I'm excited to be his wife and call him my husband. With kids, nothing was seen as barriers - my exhusband, everything seemed a barrier, oh let's do this first, I want to chnfe jobs, let's get a dog, etc. - now, I know life isn't perfect but damn I am excited to be having a little family with him. I can't wait for our little one to be here. It Just feels so right and I'm very happy x

It seems a wee bit one sided to me. If you are in a partnership and expecting a baby, it should be 50/50 on everything, no matter if he earns more than you do.

I am of the old fashioned brigade, share and share alike, what is his is yours and what is yours is his.

When you do have to stop work to have your baby then he supports you until you decide to go back to work and then whatever it costs for childcare.

I would quitely see a solicitor, it will be free for the first hour from what I remember reading, and find out what is what.

Try not to stress, it’s not good for you or baby.

Maybe your hormones are dancing overtime! Don’t worry, you trust your partner, you planned this baby together, just try to enjoy it.

Married or not your relationship will either work or not, we all take that chance, life offers no guarantees.

Good luck

You are receiving good advice from the gransnetters and basically we all are saying keep your house to protect you and the baby in the current situation.
We are all longer in the tooth and have seen life and its realities- hence trying to make you see the vulnerable position you could be putting yourself into.
Having said that, and from what you’ve said about your partner’s expectations, he does seem to have honest intentions.
BUT we all know words are not actions and what a person thinks today could well not be what they want tomorrow. That’s where your (and your child’s) vulnerability lays.

You say getting married while your pregnant looks like it’s for the wrong reasons. You know it’s not from what you’ve said. Your partner has also said he wants to - that’s all that matters isn’t it?

If you can’t keep your house then either live independently as another gransnetter said, use your savings to reduce your mortgage so you can rent it out, or get your name on the deeds.
I don’t know if it’s still applicable today but keep receipts of what you have contributed to living in his house to help you not be out of pocket should the relationship not work out in the future.

Seems cold but again life’s experience!

I really think you should see a solicitor to help both of you deal with this fairly and to have a good understanding of where you both stand should you separate further down the line. There’s a lot oat stake and this getting expert advice shouldn’t be seen as a negative thing to do. Worth it!

If you’re a genuine poster then I’d say, If you sell your house, you’re giving up your best asset.
You talk about spread sheets, wills and not wanting to marry just for security but haven’t taken independent legal advice which I advise you to do.
I’m sure you’re aware that in the absence of marriage, or a legal document signed by both of you on the basis of independent legal advice, you’re up a gum tree. You’re pregnant, moving into his house with a financial agreement based on his spreadsheets. Strange start imo

Sparklefizz

And I feel sorry for his cats with a bloomin' great husky moving in.

🤔 Cats are quite capable of holding their own. The husky might be more frightened of them.

I'd be more worried about this poor little baby.

Well, of course re the baby Allira.

You can't generalise about cats. My own cat wouldn't cope at all if a huge dog - or even a small dog - moved in. Many cats are not at all feisty and all of them are territorial and creatures of habit.

It sounds as if the OP has visited his home often with her dog and no apparent problems. TBH I think some replies here are rather "old fashioned" to say the least. The OP has a very healthy salary, she is not a child nor financially dependent on this man for her future. Doesn't everyone take a risk when having a child/getting married - the divorce rate is high these days? Many people on GN have been through it. Nowadays lots of couples shun marriage, it is no longer a passport for security.

I'd agree with her renting out her house for now.

Otherwise I don't see anything wrong with this man. He sounds right up my street! I also love spreadsheets, they help those struggling with their finances as well as those with plenty spare to do the best they can with it. It seems very responsible of him to me. He won't be overdrawn in the bank account within a month as my DH would be!

Good luck to you. I also tinker on Mumsnet now and again and know exactly what you mean, but I think some of these GNs are being doomsters.

I think some of these GNs are being doomsters

Best advise the OP to ask Mumsnetters then.

The one thing missing from this scenario seems to be love and, dare I use the word, romance.
But of course, that would seem rather "old fashioned" to say the least.

Sparklefizz

And I feel sorry for his cats with a bloomin' great husky moving in.

Huskies can live outside, in fact it's probably better for them than in a centrally heated house.

I agree Madmeg that the advice seems ‘old-fashioned’ but that doesn’t make it invalid. We can only advise on what we know. Things do change, including laws on who gets what when relationships end. That’s why the OP would benefit from advice from mumsnetters or even better a solicitor.
Personally I prefer the ‘old-fashioned’ way to this modern dilemma! The younger generation have my sympathy regarding this - it seems so complicated and definitely less romantic.

Allira, there will be even more doomsters on Mumsnet - they all seem to assume the worst from men! They also seem to imagine that a breakup with the father of their child is easy.

I did explain why I came to use the phrase "old fashioned" (and believe me I am old!) - in my younger years I couldn't have supported myself financially, whereas my two DDs both earn a lot more than their husbands.