woops!!!! I have been told I have really upset a Grandchild

An apology for hurting someone's feelings should be rather easy should it not? You don't have to understand why it hurt their feelings, just that it did. Now an apology you mean might be harder and need work to give.

I have just reread this thread and am thinking again about your mistake Franbern.
Originally I assumed it was basically a slip of the tongue out of not yet being accustomed to the new one but this really niggles me:

I will keep the peace, (.....) HOWEVER, I know that they are wrong, I was not 'deadnaming' then = I was reporting something that actually occurred 17 years ago. I could not possibly have called them with their current name!!!

I just don't know why not? Talking about X as a bridesmaid seems more respectful and generous to me.

Instead of a simple slip it seems like a deliberate act. No wonder your family were annoyed. Please go back and reread your posts and notice your rather self-righteous exclamation and question marks too.

Trying to compare this to a "salon name" is ridiculous - and surnames aren't at all the same.
My mother, grandfather and uncle all changed their surname at once. I have never heard their original surname used. My friend (and daughters) changed their family surname when she divorced - I've only ever used it on Christmas cards when they went by post.
Your chosen name is quite different.

Please try to put yourself into your grandchild's position and stop thinking they are wrong and you are right. That way lies only unhappiness, and nobody wants that.

Thank you Doodledog, I did look it up but it doesn't scientifically make sense. Had read about it and shelved it at the time. Know however that at any price we need to keep the peace in families, Franbern spoke of a time when the person was a girl because that's what she was at the time. If I had a grandchild like that I would tread very carefully indeed as I would never refer to anyone as a they or it they are a person not a thing., However, hopefully the grandchild, hope it's ok to say that, accepts apology as surely she knows her grandmother loves her.

You did the right thing to maintain relationships. Well done. But the intolerance and lack of understanding displayed by your family are disappointing to say the least.

I would hope so. The ‘gender’ thing is remarkably one-sided though. Millennia of tradition and accepted terms of reference (eg ‘she’, ‘her’, ‘woman’, ‘mother’) are swept aside because of ‘feelings’ about being the ‘wrong’ sex. And woe betide anyone who doesn’t go along with it.

Families are precious, and it’s very rarely worth falling out with them, so I would do what it takes to keep things on an even keel, but I do find the whole thing exasperating.

Silverbrooks

Nonsense. If someone changes their name, we should respect that choice and use that name henceforth.

When someone has been married for years and took their spouse's surname but we happened to know them when they were younger and single, we don’t carry on calling them by their former surname, do we?

Surely a bit different when the name was used in the context of the person being 4 years old, many years before the name-change.

The conversation about being a bridesmaid was past tense therefore your recollection was purely reminiscent. You have upset your DD and GC unintentionally and sent a card to say sorry.
What more do they want you are their beloved family not a stranger. They need to put their feelings aside and move on you cannot be saying sorry forever.

This is so tedious, thank God my Grandchildren are not a lot of Primadonnas.
The Grandmother made a error in the name, so what, does it really need a upset Grandaugher and a hand ringing Mother saying how upset she is. If it was me I would be telling my teen child to get over it and it's not all about them and Gran made a mistake that's all.

I think it’s a case of wanting to feel accepted by their much loved grandmother. When you used their former name the thought going through this very mixed up gd ‘s mind was probably “ Gran doesn’t understand me and I’m hurt that she doesn’t”. You did the right thing to send a card and the next time you see them give them a hug and say nothing. I don’t understand any of this changing sex and think most of it is an attempt to try to feel happier with one’s life.

misguided attempt

BrandyGran

I think it’s a case of wanting to feel accepted by their much loved grandmother. When you used their former name the thought going through this very mixed up gd ‘s mind was probably “ Gran doesn’t understand me and I’m hurt that she doesn’t”. You did the right thing to send a card and the next time you see them give them a hug and say nothing. I don’t understand any of this changing sex and think most of it is an attempt to try to feel happier with one’s life.

I don’t understand any of this changing sex

No-one can change sex.
Some people prefer to change gender but they cannot change sex. It is immutable.

Nonsense. If someone changes their name, we should respect that choice and use that name henceforth.
Who says?

I would if it were my grandchild, and I do use changed names for other people, but I refuse to believe (or condone) the notion that they are not of the sex they were born. They are, and always will be, whatever they 'feel' to be the case.

I really dislike the 'no debate' narrative - people are absolutely allowed to question diktats like this. It's easier not to do so where grandchildren are concerned (and dare I say that it is often the case that people claiming NB status often have fragile MH, which further complicates things) but it is not 'nonsense' to raise objections, and occasionally forgetting is perfectly forgivable, IMO.

Well said Doodledog.

I do not think that Franbern used the wrong name or pronoun. She simply referenced a family event in the past at a time when her GC was being her own biological self gender-wise. History cannot be wiped out and people should feel free to reference the past.

People who seek to change their gender should show tolerance to others, just as they ask tolerance from us.

It is usually prudent to prioritise the mental health of others over your own uninvited opinions. Keep your own doorstep clean first as my mother always said.

Luminance

It is usually prudent to prioritise the mental health of others over your own uninvited opinions. Keep your own doorstep clean first as my mother always said.

It was not an opinion

It was an anecdote fondly remembered from the past.

You sent a faux apology as you still think you are right - as per your update in page 2

No, your gc and family do not have thin skin, do you know how hard is for trans and LGBT to express themselves and assert their rights in this world?

Your age has nothing to do to justify your behaviour - please do not use it in front of them

How very harsh and unnecessary.

I think it's a matter of good manners. As a child my family used an abbreviation of my name that I hate, yo the point I feel distressed if it's used. At 11 I told everyone I wanted to use a different abbreviation. 60 years later some still ignore my feelings. I'm not trans or gender neutral but I have a right to my own name.

Luckygirl3

I do not think that Franbern used the wrong name or pronoun. She simply referenced a family event in the past at a time when her GC was being her own biological self gender-wise. History cannot be wiped out and people should feel free to reference the past.

People who seek to change their gender should show tolerance to others, just as they ask tolerance from us.

How about if the GC decides to call the old bag, is that ok? I mean if that's how the GC remembers her why shouldn't she?

Oh that's right basic good manners.

Doodledog

*Nonsense. If someone changes their name, we should respect that choice and use that name henceforth.*
Who says?

I would if it were my grandchild, and I do use changed names for other people, but I refuse to believe (or condone) the notion that they are not of the sex they were born. They are, and always will be, whatever they 'feel' to be the case.

I really dislike the 'no debate' narrative - people are absolutely allowed to question diktats like this. It's easier not to do so where grandchildren are concerned (and dare I say that it is often the case that people claiming NB status often have fragile MH, which further complicates things) but it is not 'nonsense' to raise objections, and occasionally forgetting is perfectly forgivable, IMO.

It is everyone's right to be called by the name they choose. Regardless of how they feel about their gender. That's why once we are adults we can simply and easily change it. If you accidentally get it wrong apologise. Not with a sparky woops!!! though.

theworriedwell

Doodledog

Nonsense. If someone changes their name, we should respect that choice and use that name henceforth.
Who says?

I would if it were my grandchild, and I do use changed names for other people, but I refuse to believe (or condone) the notion that they are not of the sex they were born. They are, and always will be, whatever they 'feel' to be the case.

I really dislike the 'no debate' narrative - people are absolutely allowed to question diktats like this. It's easier not to do so where grandchildren are concerned (and dare I say that it is often the case that people claiming NB status often have fragile MH, which further complicates things) but it is not 'nonsense' to raise objections, and occasionally forgetting is perfectly forgivable, IMO.

It is everyone's right to be called by the name they choose. Regardless of how they feel about their gender. That's why once we are adults we can simply and easily change it. If you accidentally get it wrong apologise. Not with a sparky woops!!! though.

No, perhaps it should have been spelt Whoops.

But I was too polite to say so, Franbern is upset enough as it is.

Perhaps instead of trying to work out whether it was "right or wrong" in some general sense to use the original name,

just perhaps see it in terms of a particular situation, which is that the GD felt it was denying her current choices

and the best family outcome is to accept matters as they are without making too much of the situation; the card was a good idea and I hope it works for you Franbern.

The original name is the one on the birth certificate unless it has been changed by deed poll.

Is the DGC going to be this upset every time someone in officialdom uses the name by which they were registered? What is on their passport, driving licence etc?

I think Franbern has been very generous and caring in sending a card with an apology for an unintentional error. I hope the rest of the family are as generous to her accepting that we all make mistakes.