Upset about daughter not visiting her sisters grave

My GP’s and other relatives are in a little country churchyard.

As a child, going ‘to the graves’ was a regular occurrence to put flowers on and tidy up the grass.

Now my mum’s ashes are in her parents grave, and I still go fairly often with flowers.

It’s not a council maintained cemetery, some old graves are overgrown and neglected. I realise when I am no longer here, that will be the fate of these family graves.

Having said that, I enjoy going on a summer’s day, very peaceful and happy memories.

However, DH and I will be cremated, no upkeep of graves for us.

Crosstichfan, I feel as you do.

When my sister died, my surviving sister and I reacted in entirely different ways because as different people we grieved in different ways. My parents grieved in their ways, that were different again.

My deceased sister was buried near where my parents lived and they visited her grave. Frequently at first, but tailing off so that it was just birthdays and Christmas.

My surviving sister and I visited rarely. Not because we did not love and miss our sister, but because the essence of her, did not dwell in the handful of ashes in a dull municipal cemetery, but in my mind and my memories, in the little things of hers that still dot my home. Although as we are currently downsizing, I am parting with things of hers without a pang, it is over 30 years ago,

I remember my sister in all sorts of little things. I see her in my grand daughter, my sisters great-niece, I see her in my daughter. All three have the same distinctive small hands with beautiful slender fingers. I remember when I hear the music of Mozart.

Anyone particular remembrance ritual does not define someones grief or loss. You still want o visit your DD's grave. Keep doing so. For your daughter, for your daughter this is no longer meaningful. Let it be and do not judge her grief or memories by one gesture.

Maybe visiting her sister's grave is just too much for your daughter .
We all grieve in different ways .
My daughter refused to come to her grandfather's funeral and it shook me to the core .
I'm concerned that she won't have closure and will suffer later on .

chocolatepeanuts

How people view graves and the value in visiting them doesn't reflect how much the person meant to them. My DD has never visited her sister's grave, but I know she's been to hell and back with grieving. She still misses her very much.

My husband still visits the grave regularly. I stopped going about two years ago. I don't go because there's nothing there really. My daughter isn't there and I no longer feel a connection there when I do visit. But she is in my heart and memories all the time.

I am the same! I adored my late husband but since the day he was buried, I have never returned to the grave. The children do, and that’s fine but it is something I find pointless. He is not there. His shell is, but the essence of him is still here in his family because we talk about him a lot. We ‘told’ him when his great-grandson was born a few weeks ago and when that little boy is old enough to understand, he will be told all about his GGDad.
I ‘talk’ to him all the time in my head.
I agree, the people we have loved and lost are in our hearts.

Don’t feel upset Posy, I’m pretty sure neither of your daughters would have wanted this.

Everyone grieves differently.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear daughter

Like many others, I do think you are being very unfair. We all grieve in our own way. My parents graves are very close to me, just across a road and a field- but I never go. Graves mean nothing to me- their memories, their support and love are what matter. Other friends go and clean graves, put fresh flowers and go often. I respect their way of grieving.

The death of a sibbling can put huge pressure on a child, or an adult. There is a kind of guilt of being the survivor, and at times even some anxiety close to jealousy (which increases the guilt even more) that a passed sibbling seems to have more attention and even perceived love, than the one or ones left behind.

I never visit graves of loved ones, that doesn't mean I don't love them or remember them. People remember people in their own way.

When my df died.this was the only time that my DM visited the cemetery. She never went again.l didn't either.
When my DM died her ashes were intered in the grave with him
Me and my dsis visit on birthday Christmas and mother's day.
Knowing my mum she would tell us not to visit because she's not there.

Everyone grieves in their own way. And equally, everyone remember loved ones who have died in a different way to how someone else will remember them.

Take your own comfort in your memories and allow your surviving daughter to do the same. Much as I am sorry for your loss, I think you are being critical of your daughter unnecessarily.

Just look after yourselves, and grieve the best way for you.
There is never an easy way.

I can't visit my son's grave on a regular basis as it's too far away from where I live. But my son is on my mind and in my heart every moment of my life. My daughter is the same, she lives too far away, but I know that she loves and thinks about her brother. I think your daughter is probably the same. She carries her sister in her heart. I'm sorry for your loss, I know how painful it is, even after the passing of the years.

My sister died 34 years ago. I have rarely visited her grave although my parents did regularly.

Even all these years later I still think of her most days. Often just a glimmering thought, but there is no connection between visiting a grave and remembering a person. As long as I live my sister lives on in my memory and conversation.