Husband moody the whole time.

Thank you so much everyone.
I do have 2 sisters, 3 daughters and my 95 yr old mum who I can talk to. My daughter's know what he is like, personality wise, but they don't really want to know anymore than that!!! One of my sisters understands what I am going through and my lovely old mum I speak to on the phone for an hour every morning ( husband still in bed and does not get up until 9 am even when we have the 3 under 6 grandchildren twice a week from 7 am so there is no danger of him overhearing or being resentful that I am chatting to my Mum for an hour). Like I say, no his needs always come first in his eyes.
To my younger self I would say live with someone before marrying them, although this may not have worked because it was after the birth of our first daughter that he changed ( 4 years into marriage) I was breast feeding her late one afternoon and he came home from school and said, " Oh, you are doing that again!"
A couple of you have made me laugh, a couple made me smile, you have all given me food for thought and I have felt the love, thank you.

Take care of yourself Ginpin. 💐

My daughter's know what he is like, personality wise, but they don't really want to know anymore than that!!! - but maybe they do need to know if they are grown adults. It is not as if they do not know what he is like - you would not be destroying any illusions of a perfect Dad.

Tell them how awful he really is. They would not want you to be enduring this. They are not chidlren - they are out in the bad wide world and know the score.

Stop protecting this man- you owe him nothing.

This sounds dreadful to me.

We only get one life and stop wasting it on him. If you don’t want sex then say no. All the better if he buggars off in a huff. Peace and quiet. But that isn’t it. You need to consider going it alone because you are still young. Enjoy life.

Hugs to you.

There is one word for this; rape

No you aren’t being unreasonable at all. If you say no to him, that’s what it is. With respect, it seems as if you’ve pandered to his every mood for many years and whilst I understand why that might be, what about you? If you’d like to feel happier, I would ask him if he still loves you and if he does, how you can compromise. There is no right or wrong answer but you need to change things to enable you to have a better life. And that’s not selfish.

Hold on a minute.. Your husband does NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO KEEP YOU PINNED DOWN FOR AN HOUR TO HAVE SEX.

NOT AT ALL. NOT IN THE UK . SO JUST TELL HIM " I AM A PERSON! I AM NOT HERE TO SERVICE YOUR SEXUAL NEED!

AND GET AWAY FROM HIM BEFORE HE DECIDED TO DO YOU IN.

IT IS ACTUALLY A SEXUAL ASSAULT.

If you realise this is what you're dealing with, then try social services for help.
Or woman's aid.
He probably takes viagra which is why he is keeping you like a rubber doll for an hour.
If you're really scared of him then just give him SEX for an hour but have your painkillers handy for the after pain!
After all its nearly Xmas and no one official is going to be involved unless it becomes more violent by which time it may be to late.
I don't feel bad telling you to give him what he wants to ensure your survival but once life goes back to normal make sure you separate , stay with your kids while you finalise your divorce. I will try not to think of you enduring rape over Xmas but its sad and he is clearly narcissistic and I don't want your situation to escalate so for survival take it.

If you were younger Id say "just get out before xmas" but you wouldn't do that now I feel.

“it goes on for about an hour before he will let me go”………….this is NOT normal behaviour, it is rape! He is forcing you to have sex against your will and it is wrong, he has no respect for you!

Oh dear oh dear (aka "British understatement").

Agreed that this is indeed rape and even marital rape is now illegal. I can't recall just when our law changed to make it illegal - though I know that law won't have been in place at the time you married the wotname. So he's got used to years of that law not being in place - and not adjusted his mindset accordingly now that it is in place. Well he should have....

He shouldnt be expecting this of you even if you didnt have health issues making this problematic for you. But obviously all the more so - given that you do have these health problems. This is not about love - it's about "control" - ie you doing what he wants and blow you. He doesnt care about you.

Have you got a local friend you can confide in about this?

If he's been this way for years - then it does rather look like he's not going to change his ways now. Sounds to me like time to get things "in order"/check on your financial position and seriously think about whether it's too late to divorce him. As Mumsnet posters would say "Get your ducks in a row".

Divorce is the preferable option by the look of it - though I understand why some women are saying "Give him leeway to have an affair - and he can get his 'needs' sorted out elsewhere". I don't know how your finances would be if you did kick him out and divorce him - as in 1. Is there enough money to ensure you could still be suitably housed (even a one bedroom flat would be a "lesser of two evils" compared to staying with him....though it's obviously more difficult if there wouldnt even be enough money to ensure that) 2. What sort of income would you have if you did divorce him and, if that would be low, would you have enough savings to "subsidise" that income from them?

Another thought being that if the issue of finding enough money to buy two separate bits of accommodation is problematic - then I wonder if you are in a dearer part of the country and what you would think of moving to a cheaper part of the country? I know when I got to 60 and thought "I'm still in a starter house - and never did more work to it than I could help...because I was only meant to keep it for a few years before moving up a level or two" that I looked around the country and decided where I could move to to get a cheaper houseprice area - so I could do that belated "move up the ladder".

Anyway - wishing you luck whatever you decide on and, as Mumsnet posters would say = LTB (if you possibly can).

Looks like this is going to be another one of those (very rare) threads where we're all in agreement, ie "Up with this you should not put".

Just did a quick check re marital rape - and that law wasnt there for the first 13 years of your marriage. But it came in in 1991 and so has been the law for most of your marriage.

I think I know how you feel. But you have to ask yourself "whose standard of myself am I trying to achieve here?"
The reality is that you know that you are tired.
You may be mentally exhausted but you may also be on the brink of coming down with a nasty bug!
And what about those painful hips and back of yours?
Why would it be ok to traipse your worn out frame into a complete collapse.
Lady , you have to learn to be kind to yourself. It is survival.
You don't need permission to be kind to yourself.

I would tell him "You are a lousy lover and it hurts like hell, so sex will only take place once a decade. Your fucking account is overdrawn until 2045.

That is hardly likely to be a helpful remark!!

I'm sorry this is your situation, it's tough when you feel he's just not seeing or hearing you. I don't say this for him, I say this for you - have you considered something like yoga or Pilates or aqua aerobics to help with your symptoms? I would also suggest (providing it doesn't contradict with any medications) that you try cod liver oil as it's great for joints. Your husband (like many men) hasn't realistic that he can't just click his fingers and you will be there at his beck and call. For women, foreplay starts outside of the bedroom - conversation and deep connection, buying you flowers once in a while and making you feel special. Try listening to the Begin Again podcast with Davina McCall (the Paul C Brunson episode will likely resonate with you.

Let’s hope she left him. Why do people put up with such men. She was walking on eggshells for 47 years. Why!

Because they grind you down very gradually so that you don't see it, chip away at your confidence and some isolate you. It's very easy to say why have they stayed but unless you've lived that life you have no real understanding of what can be a day to day trial. Sometimes financial situations dictate decisions to leave or stay. I feel trapped but can't see a way out because if the house was sold the split proceeds is nowhere enough to buy me something else and on my pension I can't afford to rent. I too live my life treading on eggshells, always always having to think what I'm saying before I say it. He can turn on a sixpence and it can be the smallest, irrational things that can set him off. Only last week out shopping and all fine until at the checkout when I let someone go in front of me who only had a few items. I had an uncalled for comment thrown at me by him through gritted teeth because of my tiny act of kindness so 3 days of being completely ignored by him. Last month it was nearly 2 weeks of silence because, in his eyes, I'd supposedly slammed a door shut. There are far worse incidents. Its boils down to mental cruelty.

The original post was back in September, I wonder how Ginpin is now and whether she took any advice?

Just tell him - I am not prepared to tolerate this behaviour. End of.

Don't let him get away with it.

If you don't treat me with good manners and consideration I will cease to cook for you, will move into the spare room, will do no housework, will look for somewhere else to live ..........

They only do it cos they can get away with it and still have their creature comforts.

This is coercive controlling behaviour. And it is not making love. He’s using you for sex. You don’t have to agree to it!! You have the right to say no. ‘I don’t like it, I don’t enjoy it, it hurts me’.
Stand up for yourself.

OP's husband sounds like a right bully. Sex later in life can be uncomfortable and indeed very painful for women, and husbands should be mindful of that and instead of putting unwilling wives through that agony, they should just 'sort themselves out'. There is so much more to marriage than sex. I hope OP has found a solution to her unhappiness.

ClicketyClick - your situation sounds awful too. I hope you have the support of good friends 💐.

At 68 years old I would leave and set up on my own. You still have many years of life left and I would go before you get too frail. He just isn’t worth staying for.

You are under no obligation to provide your husband with sex. If he wants it, he should be prepared to pay for it. There are plenty of women selling it. Unless you are prepared to come to some financial arrangement with him.