Put out that light!

Applegran, I am with you on this. I am coming round to this way of thinking, because of ongoing strain between my husband and myself. I feel it is more important to not waste our last few years on this earth sniping at each other for such petty reasons. We need to look at the much bigger picture, and find pleasure and joy, however hard it may be to get to, because it is surely better to live in harmony. Sometimes that happens because of all the efforts from me, not him, but I am resigned to this being how things are, and I do not dwell on the reasoning and the balance of who wins and who capitulates. I crave peace and harmony the older I get.

You could always walk around the house with Davy helmets .
Or next time he says put out that light say shut that door .
That will be irritating and perhaps he'll stop .

BridgetPark I am heartened by your post - and reminded of the phrase 'Would you rather be right or happy?" It is too easy to pick being right and remaining in painful conflict. This is not about being a doormat - sometimes we need to speak up, but sometimes a smile or a friendly conversation about whatever is the bone of contention, and above all listening deeply as well as speaking what you feel with love, will free us from being stuck in painful deadlock..

Very unreasonable I think! It's a low energy light bulb on a timer! I have them too and they're great. Surely you have a say in the house too???!

My mother-in-law was very careful with money and had only one light on in the evening. She would go into the kitchen in the dark, using just the light from the adjacent sitting room. My husband managed to convince her that she risked hurting herself or tripping and falling, and who would know? We lived 120 miles away. She finally agreed, as she knew he cared about her safety.

One thing puzzles me. If you have a light on a timer whilst you are away, surely it will attract attention because the curtains won’t be closed ( unless you have them on a timer too). I wouldn’t like the idea of people being able to see into the empty house with its light on.

GrannyGravy13

I am frightened of the dark (I know it’s silly) I like outside lights and hall stairs and landing lights on as soon as it becomes dusk.

I couldn’t live with someone constantly overriding my wishes/needs.

I hope you can come to a compromise with him.

I’m the same as you GrannyGravy13. Although I’m not afraid of the dark I don’t like it.
I also switch all my lights on when it becomes dark especially when my DD sleeps over at her BFs.
I sleep with a small nightlight on so that my room isn’t pitch black.

I leave the landing light on as well when she isn’t home.

I think lights being on deters would be burglars and it makes me feel more secure.

I have a small dog, a chihuahua that makes a lot of noise but I don’t know if he’d make much of a difference if someone was bent on an evil intent and I have cameras that I can see if anyone is about where and when they shouldn’t be but having light makes a lot of difference.

I do hope you can get through to your DH that it makes sense to have a light on OP and that in most cases it is usually a deterrent.

I only have the light on in the room I am in, switching off as I go. If the kitchen light is on it is enough to brighten the living room and vice versa and rarely need both on at same time in the evening. I don't even have my bedroom light on often as I get enough light from my iPad, which I read a book on before I go to sleep.
I tend to go through the house, for bathroom (downstairs) etc, in the dark at night but my OH has poorer sight so lights go on/off as he goes.
I think it's down to how I was raised, we were always told if you don't need a light on flick the switch.
I am amazed at how many houses are all lit up all through the night now, when I look out the window some of them make their surroundings look nearly like daylight. Every room and outside lights on. Never used to see that. I would worry about who could be freely moving around outside!

But for what it costs to have a bulb lit up I do think your hubby is being unreasonable, especially as it makes you feel safer.

I don’t see that it is anything to do with anyone else whether someone else likes lots of light or pitch blackness, it is not an affliction or a sin either way.
Trying to control another adult that you have shared most of your life with and who you supposedly care about is though.

As for the OPs husband objecting to her having a light on so she feels safer, well…… he sounds to me like a bit of a plonker anyway; either that or he is suffering from some sort of mental decline because generally people don’t suddenly start objecting to reasonable things, they have behaved like this for a long long time and this is just the thin end of the wedge.

Give in or capitulate to his nonesense and the next thing he’ll be monitoring how many times you boil the kettle or flush the loo because in his opinion it is not necessary and it is costing money.

Nip it right in the bud before it becomes a massive invasive weed strangling all the joy out of your life. Tell him straight.😠

Freshair

Amazon do battery operated tea lights on a timer. You can tell him you will pay for the batteries and to keep his hands off your stuff! If you dont take men down a peg or two by going mental at them, they will always walk all over you.

I like the sound of that suggestion. There are indeed battery-operated lights (reminder to self - I bought two of them and really must get them set up!). They look like normal sidelights to me - there is a reasonable choice of them on there.

What I'm wondering though is whether this is really about what it seems, on the surface, to be about. I'm wondering if it's really a "control" thing - of he wants to see himself as "in charge/more important" than you.

I'd sort the light situation out for sure - he is being very unreasonable for sure. It's such a teeny-tiny thing for him to be trying to act The Bossman about - at such a little cost per year - that I wonder if the real issue might be he is trying to find some excuse to play the "I AM the one in charge here". Of course he isn't - both of you are obviously equal and he doesnt get to say whats what just because he is the man in the couple - and it's very outdated of him if he tries to act that way.

So - do think in advance of what else he might make an excuse of once you've solved the lights issue - in case he finds another way to try and pull the "I'm IT....I'm in charge here....as I'm the man in this household" stunt.

In a very very different context (ie a previous employer of mine) I found it extremely useful to mentally put myself in their position and I'd realise then what they were going to get up to next. It was a very very useful way to look at things and an outsider they involved said "You're two steps ahead of them" once I started thinking like that.

Once you've solved this issue - he might start fuss-arsing about something equally petty....like "Are you sure you want to buy the premium teabags? As the cheaper ones are perfectly okay".

Is money the problem? If it is, maybe a proper discussion of income and outgoings is overdue. Maybe there are other areas where economies could be made, particularly as this particular issue is a pretty minor cost.
Or is it a control thing?
Or just that he needs something to be grumpy about?
I don’t think you should just give in for the sake of peace and quiet.