Being dropped by a friend for something better

...I'm sure you will find a way, diplomacy always good. Iv a group of coffee mates. One in particular talks about others and yet is very liked ( it's like 2 faced).she controls a lot without considering or asking others views or feelings. I'm told it's ocd that causes her to be like this!? As she needs things to go her way or anxiety is too high 🤷‍♀️. Just hard as sometimes feel really offended and wonder if it's personal ?

I think you are getting friendship and sports mixed up. They are 2 different arenas so keep them as that. You seem to have reacted quite badly to her not telling you more than 2 days before but maybe she was trying to find a way to tell you but then you popped the question so it was easy for her just to say no. If she wants to improve her game by playing for a better group when she can, why shouldn't she? It shouldn't make any difference to a true friendship; you should be pleased that she is getting opportunities that make her happy.
As for her being a friend, she doesn't seem to have deliberately done anything heinous to you, she just hasn't acted the way you might have done. Either continue the friendship and accept her for who she is or walk away because you don't want to end up with her talking behind your back or lying to you. At least you know what you are likely to get if you remain closer friends.
At the end of the day, you have a choice to decide whether to escalate this or just accept that this is what happens in Sports' Groups. I see it all the time in my friend's group but she doesn't take the lack of availability personally no matter what the reason unless people continually let her down.

Sometimes it's better not to make a crises out of drama
Maybe take a step back put yourself in a bubble from her, be yourself. Go silent if she offends you or gossips It will sort out. If you ever have a need to say anything pls ensure it's in quiet soft tone without any emphasis. That way you keep your counsel politely. In my experience turning other cheek is better than being judgmental of her. We all can be this or that to do with bringing, events, traumas etc. look for the good points. We all have them

You are definitely over reacting it is a weekly arrangement but hopefully not set in stone. People should be able to say I can’t play next week, her reason why is none of your business

Yes I do think you are overacting a little.

You asked for suggestions:

1) - organisation of the next group meet up: Just send a polite group WhatsApp message as you would normally do and ask her if she enjoyed playing with the other group last time and whether she would like to continue playing regularly in your group or instead join the other group. Her decision. Explain you managed to get someone to fill in for her last time but it would be helpful for her t6o update the group as to her plans going forward. Plus explain you will need to find someone else to take her place again if she is not planning to join the group next week, to make up numbers.

2) How did you take on this organisation role in the group? Do you want to continue? You could suggest taking it turns to organise the sessions, ie a shared approach where all are equally engaged and involved?

3) Do you see yourself continuing your "friendship' with this lady. Sounds like you will have difficulty as you now describe her as selfish, bad mannered and she's hurt you. Be civil to her, in line with your view that you feel able to maintain a "superficial" friendship with her as you may need to play future games with her as part of your club. Just see what happens...and what you want to do once your hurt feelings have died down a little.

4) Personally I would avoid talking to other people in the club about this incident and your hurt feelings, that runs the risk of people taking sides etc.

I hope she replies in good faith to your group message and in a civil manner. If not or she ignores your group message, that will also help "the group" decide how to go forward and to look for her replacement. The 2 men will also see that you have been calm, reasonable and polite- the bigger person.

It will work itself out one way or another....

Of you mentioned what the group.actulay did when it met up, it.might bring a better prospective on why she went elsewhere.
Ot could be anything from a card foursome to a tennis group. Or maybe, as she's been you yours, a dining group!

Sorry, I think you aretotally over reacting. Yes she should have let you know but if she wants to progress I get it. I was actively involved in all racket sports, at a competitive level, mainly tennis
and badminton. I always played a level above when I could as I wanted to get better. I hated playing with people who werenot as good,no challenge.... I would find someone else if you are playing for enjoyment...someone that would fit in your group

BlueBelle you are right. TLDNR stands for Too Long: Did Not Read.

I think I would be tempted to line up someone else if possible and the put a message on WA saying Hi XXX just to let you know I've managed to put a four together for next week so you don't have to worry about letting us down again.

It isn’t making sense therefore it’s not true in my opinion.

If she’s a real person she’s one of many other people and not your problem. She’s presumably an adult so let her go and live her life in whatever way she chooses and stay out of it, only keep good people in your life. If people let you down (which they will) move on they are not worth your time and energy. Enjoy your game of whatever it is.

You say she’s a friend, dinners together and personal chats, so why not just talk to her and clear the air

Just ask her if she intends to play in your group anymore as if not there is someone else waiting to join you. If she says she prefers her new team. delete her from your whatsapp group.

A calm, honest conversation would do much to clear the air.

I was dear to my ' friend ' .
We'd go out for long days , whatsapp several times a day , be in Facebook contact daily etc.
Dropped like a hot potato once I became ill and not so available / drive us places .
We still see each other occasionally & she likes to tell me how great her social life is with her new friends .

@BlueBelle: TLDR = Too long, didn't read.

@crossstitchfan: It wasn't intended to be "rude"; it was a statement of fact. I got halfway through the rambling first post and it all sounded like a primary school playground squabble. I just couldn't be bothered to read any further but, if the OP had been a little more succinct, I might have read to the end and been able to state an opinion.

I can understand that you are hurt and upset by your 'friend' (o former friend)'s behaviour but I think it's time to let it go. I also play in a tennis club (I'm guessing this is a mixed doubles four) and I know how incidents like this escalate and somehow get blown out of all proportion. And I know what you mean about not getting the men involved. Men are, on the whole, much more straightforward in their friendships and are often mystified by women's complicated relationships (at least, in my experience!!). Try to be the better person and rise above it. It sounds as though it might be the time to introduce the new lady to your four and let this 'friend' go and play with other people. A quick text to clarify if she wants to be involved in the future or not, might solve it. You're spending a lot of mental time and energy on her and she's really not worth it. Hope it all works out and you continue to enjoy your games, which is the main thing!

Drop her. Play with someone else. Life is too short to bother with people who don’t bother with you.

I’m mystified by the OP and others saying, don’t get the men involved.

They are involved, this is their foursome as much as the OPs.

Why do people think they’ve got no voice in what happens? I think people would be up in arms if the OP was here saying that one of the men had decided she wasn’t part of their foursome anymore and had got someone else to play instead!

I don't think you can expect total loyalty from someone who plays sport with you, although I do understand being irritated at being let down at the last minute, if it meant you might not be able to play.

Having said that, if she knew that you would react as you have, maybe she was scared to let you know her plans.

In your position, I think I would do as others have suggested, and explain that you and the other players were inconvenienced by her dropping out, and ask for a commitment by a sensible deadline. You can make it a two-way one - you need to know that you have a full team, and if she hasn't responded by Tuesday (or whatever) you will find another player.

Make a new WhatsApp group without her

Personally I hate users . I would feel like you do and have been treated like this myself . I would add the new player to the group and give her priority over the other one . Let her see on there that you will only use her in the future to fill a gap as the last resort . In effect use her back . She's not a friend I'm afraid , people like her don't have any .
Play the game with her if you need her for it and don't socialise with her outside of her .
I hate the absolute arrogance of some people who think they are so important they can just pick up and drop people to suit themselves

You all sound like a bunch of kids! Just delete her and move on. She’s rude.

This sounds like a lot of upset about very little. You knew her before this latest incident and continued your relationship with her - so no new shock discoveries about her character. On this occasion she is teaming up with another group, she gave notice, said she felt guilty, caused inconvenience, etc., but I really doubt she actually said she deems the other people better than your usual group. I suspect that’s your interpretation, but this may well turn out to be a one-off and, until you know better, I’d leave it at that and carry on with the usual arrangement.