Lonely this Christmas

Why not see if a local town is putting on a Christmas Day event for the homeless or elderly alone and volunteer there? You'll have a busy and lovely time, sharing your day with the clients and fellow volunteers.

I understand why you are hurt, but I am sadly afraid that anything you say about feeling excluded will only make matters worse.

Why is your husband making plans that do not include you?

This is, forgive me if I am sticking my nose in, perhaps the issue you need to concentrate on.

Have you asked him, if you could go with him?

Or have you considered whether the Salvation Army, local hospital or care home could do with a volunteer?

I think it’s important to accept that our grown up families won’t always spend Christmas with us, for whatever reason. If we hang onto tradition too much and expect the same every year, we are bound to be disappointed at some time. However, you aren’t on your own (if you had been, maybe your family would’ve thought again). With respect, your husband is behaving selfishly and if it was me, I wouldn’t accept that it’s ok for him to spend it in the pub and leave you at home. Perhaps you can both compromise. Maybe spend some time together in the pub, perhaps even have your lunch there if you can, and then leave him for an hour on his own, if he must have that time to himself. Similarly on Boxing Day, arrange something for you both, not just for him. Christmas is surely a time for giving…and that’s not just presents.

I would be very upset. I would make it plain that if my husband, my partner in life left me alone on xmas day then his case would be by the door. To me it's respect. waiting for the backlash

Do you have any hobbies ? maybe get a jigsaw to pass the hours away or if you sew or knit then make something. the hours pass away quite quickly when you are engrossed in some new task.
Treat yourself to a self beauty day - a face mask, foot spa etc
or
make yourself a nice meal - not the usual Xmas fayre but something new and fancy .
If the weather is kind then go for a nice walk
snuggle up on the sofa and watch a nice film

Xmas day is just one set of 24 hours . This year is a Thursday so the shops will be open again on the Saturday if not the Friday.

Have you considered going away for a few days over Xmas - there are lots of single hotels open at Xmas .

You are a strong woman -so treat yourself to your "me time"

I understand you feeling hurt that this year is not going to be how it has been for you, your children and GC for many years. It almost sounds like everyone "fell into" this pattern and your expectation is ingrained so now you are somewhat in shock. Until your Mum was widowed you, husband and children always spent Christmas with her ( so never with your husband's family). Then your mother came to you, your husband and children (are you an only child? If not your mother never spent Christmas with your sibling/s?) until she passed away.

This year things have changed as happens in life, nothing unusual about that. Your son has been invited to spend Christmas Day at girlfriend's house, has accepted and told you in good time. He has seen his father spend every Christmas with you, his wife, so that is his learned experience. Maybe your 2 daughters are aware of their brother changing the usual pattern so feel they can also do something different for a change. Are they going to SIL's parents just for Christmas Day or staying for for longer? If going just Christmas Day, I really don't see what the problem is apart from not finding change easy to cope with. Your children will be free after Christmas Day so you could invite them to celebrate Christmas with you just a day/s later or treat New Year as Christmas.

Has your husband actually told you " I have my own social arrangements and they don't include you"? Or are you assuming he will go to the pub for 2 hours as he has done on previous years and will come back somewhat worse for wear as has happened before? Your primary relationship is with your husband. Do you want to spend time with him on Christmas Day- if so talk together and compromise together. If that doesn't end well, the problem is bigger than Christmas Day arrangements....

Try to be accepting of children's plans for Christmas Day this year. Show them by way of example you can be flexible, understanding, gracious towards your SIL's family, i.e. show them you understand that it probably is a little bit unreasonable to expect everything to carry on year after year on Christmas Day, without any change. Plan something alternative just not on Christmas Day itself and really enjoy your lovely family ( husband may be a work in progress, but lead the way on communication- he may surprise you 🤞🤞.

Why not ask your daughters if you can go to them and join in the family christmas they are having together?

Madeleine45, what a brilliant post! Says everything I planned to write, and more. At the risk of sounding patronising, I have to say, ‘well done!’

Surely after 20 years your daughter deserves a Christmas with her husband, I can't believe they've spent them apart, also I think the other daughter and her ex are very mature spending Christmas together for the children etc, you say they're not even family but they are
Son is obviously going to be to be with his gf.. They always are lol...
The husband thing is what you need to focus on.. Tbh your children probably don't want to be around a grumpy drunk on Christmas day either.
Take this time to reflect and do what you want to do, I would book a Christmas get away alone and enjoy the moment

oh gosh, what a lovely chat here, so good for me, 89 years old,been on my own, save mycat since just before covid.. every Christmas I get so up tight! I know! silly me.. I am really going to try to be a bit more laid back,, and if I am on my own, well I shall enjoy it... though I must admit, I am still struggling to spending a day at home, all day, on my own! silly me ! thank you for the post and thankyou for the comments

I've been alone at Christmas.. My choice when it was my exs turn to have the children I chose to stay at home I would lay on the sofa all day watching rubbish on TV, I actually enjoyed it (in the sense that if I wasn't with my children I wanted to be alone) now I have the option of going to my children's /grandchildrens houses but my hubby and I sometimes choose to have Christmas home alone together.

Dear WhatDidIDoWrong
I am not in your position however my friend is. Through the year she buys presents for herself and puts them in a box, fully wrapped, surprising how you forget what you have bought and forgotten! Plus she has favourite books to read at this time and she makes her home Christmassy just for her, with Christmas rugs, nice decorations. Also she goes to as many events as she can before Christmas. Carol concerts, Christmas Fayres where ever they are, Yes after Christmas is the really quiet time. Are you able to get out to a local town/shopping centre where you could treat yourself to a meal, something in the sales.? You have done nothing wrong at all, life has changed for everyone, and family life has really changed for us!
This year I have an advent calendar and I must fill the pockets for me and my disabled husband. I have bought us some presents to open on the day, having bacon sandwiches in the morning after the carers get him up, and a small roast lunch for us but I may look at something else to cook. Change my day.
In the past I have provided Christmas for various people in our extended family over the many years who were alone but that has faded away! Though last year neighbours knocked on the door with Bucks Fizz and small cake and sat around Steve's bed. That meant so much to us both as we always laugh with them, we were not dressed. Christmas can be lonely if you believe the films etc!
This may not help you at all. Look at what you can do by yourself. Before Christmas our area have a Christmas party for the elderly, with presents, raffle, lots of laughter. I always donate something to this event as one day I will be there. If you start planning now you may feel better on the day. I hope so.
I really really hope you can enjoy your Christmas time. It is only one day and the shops open again. Treating yourself does not have to be expensive. Plus put on a bit of lippy.
I cannot tell you what to do but put yourself first with good things. This is time for you, I would love to have a 'House on the Prarie' type of family but it doesnt happen.
My best wishes to you xxx

Why has your husband got other arrangements that don't involve his wife???? Especially on Christmas Day! I find this very strange. I think you need to have a discussion about this.....especially if he thinks that is acceptable

I have had that feeling of not being normal because of being alone. What you need to do is find out many people in the UK are in the same social position as yourself.

From ChatGPT:-

A study by the Policy Institute, King’s College London found that 1 in 9 people (≈ 11 %) say they will be spending Christmas Day alone this year.
King's College London
+1

A poll by Ipsos MORI in September 2021 found 22 % of adults aged 16-75 worried about “spending Christmas alone”.
Ipsos

So, the best available recent estimate is that around 10–11% of UK adults expect to spend Christmas Day alone.

Got any spare cash?

If so book yourself into a hotel that offers great Christmas food, take books etc to read and let hubby dearest cook his own dinner!

Wouldn’t you just love a Christmas programme that didn’t start off with someone alone, who then, through various accidental circumstances, actually ends up as part of a big get together. Cue sentimental music.

A programme showing somebody on their own having a jolly nice time doing their own thing😬

At least in Eastenders, Christmas usually turned into one big row😡

After I split from my ex I had the children with me on Christmas day then my ex MiL invited me to hers on boxing day with my children. My ex's new partner went to her family so it meant spending the day with him but we had parted company relatively amicably. Then a couple of years down the line MiL invited me as usual for boxing day. Next thing I heard was that new partner thought it inappropriate that I be there - despite the fact she wasn't going to be there. I suspect it was more that the ex didn't want me there and used her as an excuse. I was sad at the thought of spending boxing day alone but when my friends found out I immediately had two invitations to join their families for the day. I had to choose which to accept!
Do you have friends you might spend the day with? Do they know you will be alone? It has been years now and I usually now spend Christmas with one or both my children and their family. I spent the Christmas alone during Covid as DD lived too far to visit for the one day we were allowed and DS and his family lived abroad. We had a 'zoom' together while eating our respective lunches. Last year I'd planned to go to DS's for Christmas but caught covid and ended up spending it alone. Having had the experience before, it didn't seem so bad - disappointing but not the end of the world.
If you are on your own treat yourself to food you really enjoy, watch something you really enjoy on TV and try to be grateful for all the good things in your life and forget the 'what might have beens'.

Stillness

I think it’s important to accept that our grown up families won’t always spend Christmas with us, for whatever reason. If we hang onto tradition too much and expect the same every year, we are bound to be disappointed at some time. However, you aren’t on your own (if you had been, maybe your family would’ve thought again). With respect, your husband is behaving selfishly and if it was me, I wouldn’t accept that it’s ok for him to spend it in the pub and leave you at home. Perhaps you can both compromise. Maybe spend some time together in the pub, perhaps even have your lunch there if you can, and then leave him for an hour on his own, if he must have that time to himself. Similarly on Boxing Day, arrange something for you both, not just for him. Christmas is surely a time for giving…and that’s not just presents.

Great advice here 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I think I'd been under the illusion I had a good relationship with my daughters.
My ex son in law has no parents and is not welcomed by his brother's partner, which is why he has always come to us.
I have no other family left.
There does seem a large number of people for who Christmas is just another day, and that is how I will treat it.
Moving forward into the new year, I have a lot of soul searching and reflection on what my life has become, and how I am going to take it into retirement.
Whatever you lovely ladies do at Christmas, enjoy! xx

I do feel for you, others have already offered great suggestions. Have you thought of taking something like a coach trip or short holiday to a hotel where they are putting on Christmas festivities? I think I'd be tempted to do something completely different.

I think NotAGran55 is probably correct as to why arrangements have changed. Your eldest daughter has eventually decided to spend Christmas with DH’s family - surprising they didn’t insist on spending Christmas together years ago - and your son is with his girlfriend. Sons have no compunction about defecting do they? There has probably been a sibling chat because your other DD did not want to be left with her children to have Christmas with unpleasant Grandad, hence the invitation to join older sister. Please don’t make life difficult for her, it seems like you’ve been hosting on your own anyway for many years and they’ve always joined you. Wish her a lovely day. Perhaps you and DH could have a heart to heart and spend the day doing something you both want to do and then have a relaxed lunch buffet or something non- pressured for the family later in the holiday. If DH still wants his own arrangements then, as others have suggested, why not have a turkey and tinsel break somewhere you’ve always wanted to visit?

Have you thought about volunteering at a homeless shelter, a hospital or a hospice. I did it one year with the Salvation Army. It's very rewarding, and you certainly won't be alone

I think your daughters choosing to spend every Chrstmas with you must have hurt the other grandparents feelings. Every other year fine. Now it's their turn this year.
Your husband has obviously not been present before and you put up with it. You need a talk with him, if you are happy to be in a marriage where you do your own things r it's fine. you cannot rely on friends or children to fill the void.
I feel guilty going to my sons each Christmas and every year tell them I will be fine they must see Dil family. I would be OK on my own, I am a lot anyway. I would cook a good meal or even have a M and S ready dinner, watch TV and eat too many chocolates and drink wine. I know how very lucky I have been, but I will never see my daughter again, you are fortunate with yours, I wouldn't talk to either of them about being on your own and make them feel guilty, they should be able to make their own decisions.

Think justwokeup has summarised the situation completely.

We have lived in the same village for 30 years and it is typically sociable for the men. I'm not a drinker and I don't like the village. My going out to work is my social release so it's pretty isolating when I'm not at work.

I did have a brother who passed away in 1988, and my in-laws were older parents who were always taken care of by my sister-in-law. So both sets of parents had company.

I completely understood when eldest said she wanted to stay home, I think it blindsided me a bit that our other daughter and grandchildren wouldn't be coming either. We are their only grandparents which is why our son in law has always been welcome.

Our son has said he'll change his plans but have told him it's fine. But the phrase boys will be boys is most apt usually.

It's just a struggle at this moment not to take my bat and ball home regarding future arrangements.

WhatdidIdowrong
I think I'd been under the illusion I had a good relationship with my daughters.

I’m sure you do. If it is DH that is the problem it’s difficult to say we don’t want to spend time with grumpy Grandad. Perhaps when you see DD she’ll raise the matter herself. If not let it rest for a week or two so you can talk about it without appearing hurt.