DH says I spend too much

I think you are very brave posting here. Everyone has different ideas of spending and saving. My husband and I are the other way round, I like accumulating money in our savings accounts and he likes spending. Luckily he is technophobic and relies on me to buy things and I have a terrible memory 🤣🤣🤣

Men !!! What is wrong with them ? ... I pay for little Extras with actual money .... then he cant see what I have spent ... tell him I got lots in the sale ...

fancyflowers

*Why are you spending the savings account, instead of living within whatever your income is*

Why on earth is it 'weird' to state the amount of savings we have? Lots of people do it.
I'm not spending from the savings account, I spend from the joint current account.

I find this forum weird as regards not mentioning money!
I started a thread a couple of months ago, and the
responses were quite astounding, in my opinion.
Not to mention, the heading and opening post were largely ignored.

I have always meant to say to you[but I dont see you that often on GN], that I aplogise if my name is too near yours.
I didnt spot you for about 1 month until after joining.
And I assume you were on here before me.

I hesitated to post on this thread, as people may get us confused!

I am struggling to believe that this post is not a joke, does someone really lack such self awareness, and comes out with statements such as He recently bought himself an upright carpet cleaner that he wanted, and far from me objecting, I was pleased that he had bought something for himself. If a man had posted this everyone would be up in arms.

If however this post is real, what the OP is saying it seems to me that she is constantly spending, and I can understand why her husband is fed up with it.

I was brought up in a poor household, DH's family was quite well off but his father was an absolute miser. DH never bothered about money, how much I'd spent or on what. Think his father being so controlling about money had opposite effect on my DH.

My OH buys lots of stuff for himself and his hobbies and for grandchildren- he says it will otherwise go in inheritance tax.

Was he a bit miffed you hadn't bought anything for him?

Dontcallmelove

I am struggling to believe that this post is not a joke, does someone really lack such self awareness, and comes out with statements such as He recently bought himself an upright carpet cleaner that he wanted, and far from me objecting, I was pleased that he had bought something for himself. If a man had posted this everyone would be up in arms.

If however this post is real, what the OP is saying it seems to me that she is constantly spending, and I can understand why her husband is fed up with it.

Yes, of course this post is real. I wouldn't waste my time posting made up events.
From all the replies I have had (,and I regret posting in the first place), I have decided to stop spending unless it's something that we both need.
This is my last comment, and thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply.

fancythat

I hesitated to post on this thread, as people may get us confused!

Yes, I know that people might get us confused. I think you were in the site long before I was. I don't post very often (and mostly regret it when I do!) Take care. xx

DH is also exceedingly mean about MY spending, and questions everything that I spend on the children and grandchildren. He arbitrarily set a £30 limit on any one, which, as you will agree does not buy one decent gift these days.
He does keep on about the cost of care though, and given that a place in a home does run at about £1,200 pw, savings do not go far. I tell him that our pensions will cover top up, as care will only be necessary if we are terminal or dementia which is state funded to about £900 (Please no discussion to correct - this was the case for my mother a few years ago).

I too have no idea how to stop the constant drip of complaints and the detailed examination of the bank statement - it spoils Christmas every year.

He does keep on about the cost of care though, and given that a place in a home does run at about £1,200 pw, savings do not go far. I tell him that our pensions will cover top up, as care will only be necessary if we are terminal or dementia which is state funded to about £900 (Please no discussion to correct - this was the case for my mother a few years ago).

Well don't rely on that still being the case nowadays.
My Dad was admitted to a care home because of vascular dementia a couple of months ago, and he pays the full fees of £1,250 a week himself.

Poor you - what a miserable way to live. We have a system that works well for us and never argue about money. We have completely separate bank accounts, savings accounts, and investments.

I have a standing order from my current account into my husbands account set up to cover my half of the monthly expenses including food.

On other random bills and expenses we wing it, sometimes he pays, sometimes I pay - it pretty much balances itself out.

One significant area of where I spend far more than my husband is my clothes. I also buy his clothes for him, but he's very cheap to buy for!!! I keep a rough annual tally of clothes spending and it's covered by my share dividend income, so that makes me feel better!!!! I've always loved beautiful clothes, and this spending is my one extravagance.

Any large purchase we pay half each - for example we have just purchased a new car and this is how we funded it. We both drive it and only have one car, so that's fair.

I guess the difference with you and your husband is that our incomes, state pensions and work pensions have worked out pretty similar so there's no financial pressure on either of us, whereas your husband is by far the larger income source in your marriage. Maybe he feels that gives him more of a say in your spending.

If I were you I'd divert your state pension into your private acccount that your small work pension is paid into, then you have more autonomy. Not being able to treat yourself and the ones you love is unacceptable.

Oh, fancyflowers, so sorry you regret posting.
I hope you don't go away.
Most of us wanted to be useful/helpful.

Apologies if I have contributed to your upset.

I think fears of spending are often more about feeling safe and secure. Has he got without in the past?
Like most things in life communication is the key. Has a gentle chat about how he feels and agree spending limits that work for both of you. Allocate a budget of what each of you can spend without discussion or comments from the other.

Alura, No matter how much you scrimp and save you can never calculate how long you might need care before the money runs out and you end up in the system.

I just have a suggestion of an idea that you might like to consider. My son as a teenager and young adult was always spending his money on things that were immediate, and didnt seem able to learn how to save for something he really wanted.
When friends started to get an old car each he wanted one, but hadnt saved much all. So I did two things, talked to him about what sort of price might be afforded etc and that if he saved a certain amount, that we would be able to top it up a bit to enable him to get a car, but he had to have saved his money before we would even discuss it. At the same time I then cut out a couple of pictures of possible cars, and stuck one in his room and the other smaller one went into his wallet. So that way whenever he went into his wallet for something frivolous the picture reminded him of his own choice.

It worked very well and although it took him a while to get the idea eventually he was able to make judgements on how much he wanted instant rewards etc, and of course my main idea was to get him to see that it would be a very bad idea to start smoking. He has asthma and we have no smoking at all but with friends I thought he would be tempted, and now many years later he said how glad he was that he hadnt started as it would have cost him a small fortune by now.

Anyway what I am suggesting is that you might have a think about what you would really like to have, whether that is a piece of jewellery or a really special outfit that you wouldnt normally expect to buy. Then you put a picture of it in your purse and perhaps near the door, so that as you go out to spend money it reminds you. It is still up to you whether you buy the small things or let this encourage you to save up and have something worthwhile at the end of your saving up.

I think that having very little money as a child and youngster, can make us go either way. We scrimp and save every penny, not allowing ourselves a meal out or a better quality blouse or whatever, or we want to reassure ourselves that we now have money to spend and do just that. If all your purchases give you a lot of pleasure then that is worthwhile, but I think those purchases need to be for you to enjoy. You are making assumptions that other people agree with your taste and choices, which they may or may not do, but if those you buy for do not like the gifts or wont use them, then the pleasure has gone out of the gift for them and for you, and probably your husband can be exasperated by your spending money on something that he can see will not be appreciated.

I do not say any of this in a critical way, but in the hope that it might give you a slightly different way of looking at things. If you and your husband could talk about things and why you feel as you do regarding spending money then whatever the outcome you could work out a method that works for you both, There is always the chance that your husband may not have spoken to you about something that worries him about the future, which he is coping with on his own, and hewill also feel better by being able to talk about it. Wishing you well and hope you are able to come to a better place for you both

This sounds like a form of coercive control, why dont you both have ten thousand each, that way you can do whatever you want with it, I'm wouldn't be happy having to justify my spending, your not a child

I buy alot from amazon it saves me traipsing round searching for things, my time is precious as a carer that needs to be home most of the time, before my husband had a stroke he knew exactly where I was by looking at the bank app and where I spent.
Now he's turned over the finance to me as no longer able .
He's learnt there's no hitch on a hearse

Well, firstly I’m going to disagree about teenagers being too old for cute cuddly toys, have you heard of Jellycat?

Also, if you can afford it, & have no mortgage and £130,000 in savings you are better off than many many people.

Buy what you like if it makes you happy, however be aware shopping online, impulsively, can be indicative of other issues.

Crikey. 3 rabbits. Buy the whole shop for my 6 grandkids.
Luckily my husband is always ok about it, we are in a fairly good position,
It is my joy to enjoy their joy
You don’t say how old you are…but what is he saving for. I’m 72. Can’t take it with me

In her last year or two of life my dear mum was pretty much housebound. No internet access but yes, clothing/gardening/gifting catalogues would pop through their front door on a very regular basis.

My mum spent a lot of money.
New clothes - been though she hardly left the house.
Foot spa, Christmas cushions - you name it she bought it.

Looking back I think she was lonely and bored so she’d splurge to give herself a boost.

It’s upsetting to think small dopamine hits helped lift her mood from “is this all there is to life now?”

I have a friend who buys a lot of ‘stuff’ both on line and she’s forever in Dunelm or TKMaxx buying tat. She’s unhappy and I think it’s displacement. Then she complains all her wardrobe space and drawers are bursting. So she fills bags for charities (or landfill) and goes round again … 🤷‍♀️

Allira

^I have pots of money^
I do have a pot (well money box) full of pennies and two pence pieces. There must be at least £2 in there!

I took my coins mainly 1p and 2p to Asda to their coin machine and was surprised to see £16.oo less £2.00 commission - I felt rich😁

If I had £130,00.00 in savings I would feel super rich 🙏

Is it your money or joint account? That would influence my thinking on this matter

Oh, I didn't realise you could do that.

I was going to put it in a charity box or try the slot machines next time I go to the seaside!