Childminding by grandmothers

I was exhausted by the end of a day looking after my granddaughter- I was only in my 60s, very fit, with no health problems- I couldn’t contemplate it in my 70s - I think you have made the right decision for yourself- maybe you could say you would hopefully be available to help out in an emergency (if you feel you could manage it)

welbeck

How do you know how difficult it is to carry a suitcase up their stairs???

This told me all I needed to know.

Yes!

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Surely they can only want what is best for their child? It is obvious that you do not think it is the child's best interest to have yourself in full responsibility especially with the added hazards of their home and garden, irrespective of any age related lack of agility.

Just as they tootle off back to their places of work their child will be beginning to walk and will be into absolutely everything. You need to be 100% alert and on top of the game at all times.

I do so wish that young parents would sort out their lifestyles before they commit to having a child that they'll rarely see.

I worked with a girl who had a little daughter. She'd drop her off at her parents at 7:45 am for breakfast on the way to the office. She'd then collect her at 6:30 on her way home - the parents having fed her. She just had to bathe her, change her into her jimjams and read her a bedside story. An hour tops and the rest of the evening to herself.

Her mother did all the ironing - delivered in the mornings with the child!! She'd say, "But I do all the washing"!! Yes, scrubbing away for hours on a washboard or in the automatic machine and tumble-drier?!!!

This regime went on all through infant and junior school which the parents would transport her to and from. For Senior School the regime re breakfast and supper continued but there was a School bus that collected and returned her to near the Grandparent's house.

I used to think "Goodness. How on earth does Sue cope". Silly me. A few years later I had my first child and quickly realised that 'going out to work' was far easier than looking after and entertaining a small child full time.

(But, I must add, eventually much more satisfying and far better for the child).

Too late now, but if you don't make it clear now then goodness help you if they have a second child.

You say they both have good jobs and maybe, perhaps, one could work part-time? And maybe, perhaps, they could both start acting like committed parents.

Stand your ground. You are NOT in the wrong. They are.
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3-hours travelling. You're a saint.
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I looked after my DGD 2 days a week when DD went back to work when she was 8 mths old. I was early 60's at the time and had offered to help. DGD went to a childminder the other 3 days. I loved every minute of it and we had a great time together. Then there was a pause because of Covid and DD's maternity leave with DGS after which DGD was at pre-school full time and we looked after DGS 2 days a week instead until he went to pre-school at 3 (I say we as DH had by then retired so we both went). Since then we have covered some school
holiday care but the kids are 8 and 5 now and I am beginning to say it is becoming a bit too much for us. I am now 70 and DH is nearly 80 with stage 4 prostate cancer. I think it has been a bit of a shock to DD to realise that we are getting older - she says that whilst in her head she knows how old we are she doesn't see us as being 'old' (which I suppose is a compliment really) I don't think younger people do realise how it feels to be older and being more easily tired etc as of course they haven't experienced it. We still see them all a lot and of course we will still 'babysit' occasionally and be available in an emergency but DD will be booking them into holiday clubs this summer which is a bit of a relief!

Monica is correct. Parents have no right to expect GPs to take on childcare. You are not being unreasonable. Your son and DIL are unreasonable for being put out by your decision! I had my GC for one day a week, I made it very clear I would only do more in an emergency. I am now 77 and there is no way I would do one day a week now let alone 2 !!!!!
This is one of my pet gripes on GN !
I ' hear ' this so often and it infuriates me. Their child their full responsibility.
You will be 76 by then and expected to take care of THEIR child for 2 days - ridiculous. Stick to your guns and I sincerely hope your son / DIL, come to their senses!!!!
Your life to enjoy now. IMO two days childcare from you is simply not sensible. How would the childs parents feel if their child had an accident in your care , toddlers need watching all the time. Protect yourself and your GC by continuing to say NO ! Parents must pay for professional child care and not expect you to do it. Do not feel guilty because the other GPs have agred to do it. In time they may wish they had' nt! Very difficult by then to back out. Good luck.

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P.S. Forgot to say that whenever the child was not well then the parent would drive to the child's house and look after her there from 8:00am to 6:30pm. No payments (I doubt that they would have accepted anyway( but she was generous to them at Christmas and birthdays.

She wouldn't stay home even though our Company was very flexible and committed to doing all they could to enable smooth and easy family lives (Merchant Bank - when they were run by decent people, not as now!!). My colleague would just say "No way can I stay home, too exhausting. I'm still recovering from the weekend"!!
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100% you are right to say no. Far too much responsibility at 76. To soften the blow, I would offer to pay for ONE day of nursery care, if you can afford it.

The OP's son and d.i.l. both have well paid jobs Dempie; there's no blow to be softened. They've asked and she's said no.

I’m 78, and did a fair bit of grandchild care, sometimes having three staying at the same time, and driving them around too. I couldn’t face the responsibility of it now. I wouldn’t dream of driving two of them home - a 150 mile journey, which I used to do. Luckily, they’re now 21,19,18,16 and 12!

You are being very realistic in assessing your ability to undertake the childminding, you should not feel guilty in the slightest. Whilst you may feel honoured to be asked, you are entitled to say, no. Sure you will help out in emergencies or even if family want a day/evening out.

I'm 74 and until two years ago used to take my youngest grandchildren to school every day and collect them three days a week whilst my daughter went to work.
I did find it a struggle, getting up at 6.45 to give them breakfast before taking them to school at 8am by bus, followed by a 15 minute walk. Fortunately my daughter realised that I was finding it exhausting and now does it herself, only asking me when she can't work from home in her new job.
I would have found it very hard to tell her that I couldn't do it, and am relieved that she came to that conclusion herself.
It's much better to tell them now Jules777 rather than start to do it and realised you'll have to tell them you can't manage.

I am 10 years younger than you, and married. We have our grandchild to stay occasionally and only for a day or two. It's exhausting! One forgets how much attention a small child needs. It impossible to just switch off for 5 minutes and have a cup of tea. We love our grandchild and love to see her but we also expect to be able to take off for a few days when the mood takes us and not to be tied down to childcare!

Jules777 - you're not being unreasonable at all. In fact, considering all the circumstances you're being very sensible in assessing the risks and this is where I think you should start a conversation with your son and dil. It's obvious you feel torn, you've outlined all your reasoning as if you're obliged to care for the grandchild and you're trying to provide extenuating circumstances for refusing BUT seriously, if you feel they're put out by your decision it would seem important to challenge them in a gentle way and explain the difference between you on your own and the other, younger grandparents as a pair. Tell them that you don't want to cause friction at all and that you want to be in your grandchild's life. Maybe you could identify how, perhaps have the child one day a week and at your house so you don't have to negotiate the difficult staircase and can arrange furniture to suit. I think it's hard for you, especially if you do want a relationship with your grandchild, so perhaps at this stage you talk openly with your son and dil about how best to achieve this. Good luck.

My first granddaughter was born when I was 50, full time working, so did what I could for my single mum daughter. I took my granddaughter from 7 am every weekday, deposited her at nursery and collected her at 4.30 pm. Then I had her overnight from 6 pm on Friday night until lunchtime Saturday. When her sister arrived I would collect her from nursery and keep her for tea a few days a week. It was a lovely time for us all, but I rarely did full days of care for them. 28 years later I still do minimal grandma duties for my youngest granddaughter - I relocated 160 miles so I could collect her from nursery, cook her tea, play games for a few hours once or twice a week. I would infrequently babysit while my son and his wife went out. My granddaughter is now 14 and we have a lovely relationship, with her being a lovely help to me. I was never ASKED to do the child care, I volunteered for it, probably because when I had my 4 children I received no family help as we lived hundreds of miles away. There is no way that at my age, almost 78, that I would be able to do more than a morning or afternoon childminding, it wouldn't be fair on the child or me. Your grandchild will have a much better day in a professional nursery, where they will be interacting with other children, having stimulating play activities with their assigned nursery staff. Do not feel guilty about refusing to be a carer, offer what you can, babysitting once a fortnight or whatever you can safely do. I think that your son/daughter have been incredibly cheeky to ask this huge undertaking, and I note that you say UNPAID too, that's definitely taking the Michael.

You definitely are not being unreasonable, I’m 75 mobile and in ok health, I offer to have two of my grandchildren aged 6 and 7 once a week during holidays, they are great children and we enjoy our time together, there is no way when they were babies I could have contemplated looking after them a couple of days a week .

They have got a bloody cheek - they can get a lovely Childminder if they are lucky enough to find one or use a nursery - stand your ground - they will get over it and make sure you see them and the little one to build relationships xxx

I see this as just ignorance of what's involved in child care rather than cheek.

A couple in their 60s with possible experience of childminding compared to a single woman 10 years older is like chalk and cheese.

You are very wise to say no at an early stage.

When our first DGC was born 19 years ago I remember saying to her other DGP that they were lucky to live nearby and could see her fairly often. "We only see her when she's sick!" they replied.
Both she and her sister went to full time nursery from about 10 months. It was fearfully expensive but meant both DS and DDiL could go to work each day and keep their jobs.

Good grief, who on earth would entrust such a young child to a 76 year old grandparent? With the best will in the world, that’s just nuts!
As a reasonably fit 61 year old, I’d struggle to keep up with a running toddler.

Stand your ground. Their request is unreasonable in many ways.

I took on my DGS for just one day when he was just over a year old and I was 64. I was Ok but I slept really well that night. When he got to 2, I joined a toddler group in the morning (lots of other grans) which ran off some of his energy, and we did things like swimming and library visits.
When he was 4, he started his govt hours and I did the deliver and collect on another day, which meant up to be there at 8 and doing the 5 to 6 which was OK, especially in summer with home via the park.
I have to say it is different between boys and girls. But at 11.5 they may not yet be walking, so parents have not yet thought around the dangers, so, while children do adapt perhaps a mention of this as a separate conversation.

I must admit, that at 73, I am not sure I could do it now. Perhaps you might suggest that when he is older you could do a little but lifting and bending would not be possible.

If you are in the UK, they now get 30 free hours of nursery care until they are 4 unless they earn £100K+, so if you feel up to it and drive, you could do the "top and tail" hours. Once he is in school it is easier and if you feel you can, then again delivery and collect.
School holidays are wearing, so I took him to local adventure centres, park and swimming, football club etc

I was 61 when I retired at the same time my granddaughter was born and I looked after after her 1 day a week. Three years later at 64 I looked after my grandson 1 day a week. I am now 76 my grandchildren are 14 and 11 and I know I could not look after a 1 year old child now. At our age we are less mobile, less strong, tire more easily and don't have the stamina to be responsible for a young baby, you are not being unreasonable at all. The health and safety of you and the child would be at risk if you accepted their request.

Many of the responses to support declining to do childcare cite age, stamina, etcetera. Fair enough.

For me there's another reason too - some might say a selfish one - but I feel that having dealt with everything that goes along with having lived as long as I have I have earned the right to reclaim time for me and enjoy these precious late-life years.

(Having said that, of course I will always step up in a crisis or an emergency).

You’re not being unreasonable at all. You should be enjoying your time now doing things you want to do. Their child - their responsibility. Do not tie yourself down at this time in your life and certainly don’t feel guilty about it.

Retread

Many of the responses to support declining to do childcare cite age, stamina, etcetera. Fair enough.

For me there's another reason too - some might say a selfish one - but I feel that having dealt with everything that goes along with having lived as long as I have I have earned the right to reclaim time for me and enjoy these precious late-life years.

(Having said that, of course I will always step up in a crisis or an emergency).

A perfectly reasonable position.

Sadgrandma yes there is 30 hours free nursery However in my granddaughters case, she attends a private nursery as she has autism and the nursery are fantastic with her. The nursery couldn't afford to just give the 30 hours on their own and it is taken along side paid for hours. So me DGD goes to nursery on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays. It still costs her parents £500 per month. I used to look after her every Friday. Her mum brought her here and they both stopped the night and her mum worked from home at our house. Then work decided she needed to be at in the office and DGD started going to nursery on Fridays. Her other Grandparents had her every Monday and Thursday when her other Grandad takes her to swimming class. Since the change we have her once a fortnight mum and dad drop her off on Sunday lunch time and pick her up on Monday evening. It is usually my DDinlaw who comes after work and has dinner with us too then we get her bathed, pyjamas on and back home with her mum.We adore having her here. Yes she is very hard work. Because of her Autism she is going through the terrible two's but at age four with the strength and height of a four year old. I am kind of dreading this coming to an end when she goes to school fill time. We have already been asked can we have her during the school holidays again shared care with the other grandparents and of course we have said yes! She keeps me fit too. The child care is always at our house which we have set up with appropriate baby gates locks on cupboard doors etc. My conservatory is like a nursery storeroom lol!