A few years ago, while living away from home, I became close to a single mother and have been a supportive presence in her and her child’s life — a bit like an honorary grandparent.
Over time I’ve helped in many ways, practically and emotionally, and have always been happy to do so.
This weekend, I asked her to come with me to an event as I wanted some company. She agreed, but on the morning of the event messaged to say she’d arranged to meet a friend later so would rather skip afternoon event and I could just meet them later, adding I could still go alone if I wanted.
I felt quite hurt, especially as this isn’t the first time she’s let me down. I don’t feel I ask for much in return.
I’m not someone who gives up easily, and I feel sad for her child, who I’ve grown close to, but I’m starting to feel taken for granted. She has also fallen out with many other friends over time.
Am I expecting too much, or is it reasonable to step back from this friendship.
If you make an arrangement with someone, be it a friend or not, IMO you should keep it unless something very very important makes it impossible.
The ‘friend’ in this case ruined a day that the OP was looking forward to, may even have made special preparations for.
Not nice.
Thanks all, some time is helping me put it into perspective and it doesn’t seem as hurtful but I was brought up to stand by what you’d said you’ll do even if you get a better offer.
I guess a friendship to me is with someone who has the same standards and maybe that’s the truth I have to deal with and either accept or walk away.
To those who have said that I have only done things to get something in return, with respect, you have no idea what I’ve done for this family. I haven’t asked for something in return and my reason was just to help them which then became a friendship.
Esmay
I understand how you feel.
It happens .
Some people are users .
And some compartmentalise their friends .
Just take a deep breath and step back .
That's what I'm doing -
Over the last few months I've come to realise that one of my friends is only interested in talking about herself non -stop
She only wants to go out with me to plant nurseries if her other gardening friend is unable to go .
I was seriously ill before Christnas and right through the holiday and I realised that she couldn't give a damn .
I now dread seeing her as I'm.airliy dismissed as if I'm a nuisance.
I look back on all the times that I listened to her endless problems - about two decades worth and bought her get well cards and gifts and feel utterly devastated.
She has new best frienditis .
It's horrible listening to her telling me what a marvellous time she's having with her .
Her siblings and friends have complained to me about her being bad tempered and never around.
It is very hard to distance yourself .
Take up a new activity and make new friends .
Good luck .
Excellent sharing and excellent post Esmay. Stay strong. You sound like a wonderful person.
Imagreatauntie, it's a miserable feeling to be sidelined, it's happened to me in the past. You have obviously been very kind and supportive to this woman and her child, I'm sure she is very grateful, even if she doesn't show it very well.
To save yourself from further hurt, maybe take a step back, but keep the contact going because I'm sure the friendship is mutually beneficial. Just don't expect too much, she obviously doesn't show you the loyalty you deserve, but a casual friendship is still possible, I'm sure her daughter enjoys the relationship with you 💐.
To those who have said that I have only done things to get something in return, with respect, you have no idea what I’ve done for this family. I haven’t asked for something in return and my reason was just to help them which then became a friendship.
There is a difference between doing something to get back (ie that being your initial motive for the action) and feeling that because you have done something you are owed (ie a consequence of the action). I don’t think anyone has suggested the former, but as you brought up the latter it does appear to be affecting your judgement in this case. You may not have asked for anything in return, but you clearly expect it.
To me, that is separate from the fact that you and your friend have different views on sticking to arrangements. On that, I am firmly in your camp. I think you are justified in feeling hurt that you were let down like that - I would feel the same.
Where I can see another perspective however, is over the feeling annoyed because she has not repaid your kindness. Friends don’t keep score IMO, and I can understand her feeling a bit suffocated if she’s picked up on how you feel.
Macaydia-
Thank you very much for the compliment .
Believe me ,I found it hard to turn the other cheek .
I'll never tell my friend that I felt so ill and alone that I cried like a wounded animal .
She behaved horribly towards me -actually returning my Christnas gift as unsuitable.
I live very near her and either rowing with her or giving her the heave ho would be difficult and continually upsetting each time I saw her
Now she's all friendly again with me.
Both my parents said that they've gone through years of her moods and then have been surprised when she's suddenly thawed out with them .
I think that she does have some mental health issues and needs counselling .
What a shame that you feel sidelined &’overlooked 🥲
It’s sad & I think that it is also something that happens all too often in friendships .
For myself I had a ‘ friendship for 30 plus years & we had seen each other through divorce & all of life’s ups & downs including bereavement & serious health issues.
We were confidantes bff 👯 & knew all there was to know about each other .
It’s sad to say that things changed , I couldn’t put my finger on it but they did & as much as I tried it was never the same . To this day we haven’t seen each other for two years . I still miss that camaraderie.
But the upshot for you is if you feel taken for granted I’d say it’s run its course, let her come to you & invite you along next time rather than you doing the inviting .
Nannatuesday, I think that’s the right approach.
It’s been interesting reading the comments of my expectations of a friendship, I feel I don’t even know what’s right anymore! I think with the friends I’ve had for many years it’s just a case of being there for each other as and when it’s needed and having fun whenever we’ve been able to, I guess in this case, she wasn’t there for me when I needed a friend and yes it hurts but I think it says more about her than me. I’ll still be the friend that can be relied upon but maybe not so available for them
Distance yourself
Thanks everyone for the replies. I’m glad I’ve given it some time and I’ve decided to just let things take their course, no dramatic exit from me. Time to get myself back out there and find some new friends.
I’m sorry for all those who’ve experienced hurt from friends, I think we can’t change who we are but maybe watch our backs a little more so we don’t get hurt again.
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