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Advice please

(54 Posts)
jeni Fri 01-Jun-12 13:35:56

My DD has phoned this am, she is not happy with the childminder. Apparently GD was very tired at childminders so was put down for a nap. She then cried and was left to cry for 7mins while she listened outside the door. DD thinks minder should have stayed with her and says GD is is now more clingy!
She has never been left to cry as DD does not approve of the cry it out theory!
She is supposed to be going back to teaching p/t after half term.
What can I say to her?
I now feel upset and helpless!

Greatnan Fri 01-Jun-12 13:41:07

I am with your daughter on this, jeni - babies cry for a reason and I would be very unhappy if one of mine had been left to cry. I can't give you the source, but I heard a news item recently saying that some research had found that babies who were left to cry had more emotional problems in later life.
Practically, can she tell the childminder how she feels, and will her opinion be accepted? Was there any logical reason for the baby to be left so long (7 minutes is a long time). Is the baby looked after in your DD's own home? If so, could she install some covert equipment to monitor what happens?

jeni Fri 01-Jun-12 13:45:00

No she goes to the childminders who has a couple of other children to look after as well.Gd is 11months old. She is just not used to being left at all when awake! She is a Velcro baby! Dd carries her around in a sling when she is not playing with her!

Greatnan Fri 01-Jun-12 13:53:47

It could be that the baby is not quite ready for complete separation, after having such intense attention from her mum. Could your daughter start to 'wean' her off the sling gradually?

Jacey Fri 01-Jun-12 13:54:13

Perhaps jeni the 'velcro baby' concept is actually part of the future issue ...if your daughter plans to go back to work part-time?? hmm It might make the childminding for the baby an easier experience for your GD??

I'm not making light of the issue of leaving your GD to cry for 7mins ...but presumably your daughter is aware of this as the childminder told her? confused

Have you talked to your daughter about what you did when she was of a similar age??

jeni Fri 01-Jun-12 14:03:52

Yes but it was different. I had a trained ft live in nanny! Neither of my children were Velcro.
Yes the minder told DD.
I knew this was going to happen! GD has never been left alone and DD co sleeps as well.GD is a poor sleeper and still is breastfed every 2hours during the night as that is when she wakes!

Jacey Fri 01-Jun-12 14:07:05

Oh, jeni do you mean your daughter is actually going back to part time teaching after next week?

dorsetpennt Fri 01-Jun-12 14:07:26

Oh dear poor little thing sounds worried and confused, One minute constantly attached to it's mother and then left with a complete stranger. Is her mother back to work full time? To be honest I'd be confused.

Bags Fri 01-Jun-12 14:13:51

Difficult! I didn't leave mine to cry either, but I did put them down to sleep in their cots. Also, I would set them up with toys as soon as they could sit up and leave the room for a few minutes to do other things. Their room was made safe and I came back if they 'called'. It did mean they were used to being left alone for short periods.

You could look at the other two children that the childminder has as older siblings (if they are older). When there are older siblings who also need attention, sometimes the baby has to wait. Yes, it might cry but.... The thing is, they need the minder's attention too.

It's never easy. It will be a wrench for a velcro baby at only eleven months.

jeni Fri 01-Jun-12 14:14:39

Yes part time teaching. She seemed quite happy withe minder the first few times, it is just that shehas never gone to sleep on her own!

jeni Fri 01-Jun-12 14:17:47

She won't sleep in her cot! She will only sleep with DD! She is left to play for a few minutes occasionally, but DD allways rushesback at slightest noise. DD is 38 and this is her first following 2 miscarriages.

Bags Fri 01-Jun-12 14:18:38

My GS is the same, or was. I think they are 'training' him now to sleep in his own bed and so forth, but he's two and a half! DD did go back to work part-time but it was always daddy who did the minding when she was at work, and he's an even softer touch than mama!

Jacey Fri 01-Jun-12 14:18:47

Perhaps, that is something your daughter needs to put in place over the next few days ...when your GD gets the reassuarance that 'mummy' can still be heard talking/singing in another room???

I do realise it is difficult for you jeni miles away from the situation. flowers

jeni Fri 01-Jun-12 14:21:42

I would offer to give up work but as I'm disabled I can't cope with a lively toddler!

flump Fri 01-Jun-12 14:25:47

Oh jeni, while I understand the upset by leaving a baby crying, I can only say that I would advise my daughter she is not doing the baby or herself any favours. Baby should be in her own room and learning that she will only be given water if she wakes, with a quick cuddle, before being put back in her cot. I'm not saying to leave her crying for long but the habit must be broken. It may take a few nights before she settles but it will be better in the long run. How is mum going to teach if all her nights are disturbed?

Jacey Fri 01-Jun-12 14:27:20

jeni unfortunately you... like all mothers before you and all those still to come... cannot solve all the problems of your family.

Have you talked with your daughter since this morning? Has she now had time to think through a future strategy?? You haven't mentioned your daughter's partner in this thread ...does she have access to in-law support?

Bags Fri 01-Jun-12 14:31:05

Would it be impossible for them to manage without the teaching salary? Or could DD put off going back towork for a bit longer? Just thinking through possible alternatives.

JessM Fri 01-Jun-12 14:33:41

Greatnan I think that research applied to younger babies, then followed through to toddler- dom. Babies left to cry more clingy later - which is possibly behind this style of child rearing.
I'm sure Jeni that she is not scarred for life by being left to cry for 7m.
Your DD needs to be clear with the childminder what she wants and expects.
However she might find it difficult to find any childminder who is willing to behave exactly like mum - it is a big ask to nurse her off to sleep in arms, or lie down next to her, when there are other children to be looked after. Too big an ask really - not realistic unless there is a 1:1 arrangement.

But jeni my love, this is not something you can sort for them. Your DD has decided, with some determination, to adopt a particular style of childrearing. There will inevitably at some stage be some separation pangs on both sides and they have to get through this. The choices are really:
1. be velcroed until child starts to separate (i have seen this happen with breastfeeding addict at around 3 yrs... oh, I'm not part of mum, I'm a boy!!! I'm going to climb trees!!!!) But 3 year olds too can be horribly clingy - both mine were at that age and cried if i went out of sight.
2. Try to work at gradual separation now, which will almost certainly involve some crying - the child will inevitably try to control mum and get her close again by crying. That is what babies do to try to control their environment.
3. Carry on as normal at home, go off to work, and let childminder find a way that can work for her.

jeni Fri 01-Jun-12 14:35:20

She's ringing this evening again. Her partners parents seem nice, but I don't think his mother is a baby person. Apparently she doesn't seem confident with
GD. Partner is lovely. He works full time.
I did try to tell her ages ago baby should be in her own room, but she cried when they tried and DD can't bear her to cry at all
Also apparently you don't give breastfed babies water!

Bags Fri 01-Jun-12 14:39:41

They don't need water when they're only on breast milk, but an eleven month old is surely eating other stuff as well by now and could 'cope' with water. Oh dear. To be honest, jeni, I don't think your daughter is ready for the separatioin from her baby, as well as t'other way round. That's not meant to be criticism; just how it looks. I stayed with my babies and stayed poor as well but it was worth it for me.

jeni Fri 01-Jun-12 14:42:01

jessm that is exactly what I told her re the childminder! Also about 7mins crying!
I feel she has made a rod for her own back!
But that doesn't stop me being upset as I love them!
In fact I was having a curry with friends tonight but I've now cancelled and I'm sitting here crying

jeni Fri 01-Jun-12 14:46:42

bags she loves asparagus! Eggs tomatoes meat broccoli. She has had water while the weather was very hot. But this was against the nurses advice! Apparently they outrank a doctorgrin
I just typed mead instead of meat. I'm sure she'd like that aswell

harrigran Fri 01-Jun-12 14:46:43

Your daughter made the decision to go with a childminder, had she really wanted one to one care she could have hired a nanny. I know it is difficult but she has created the clingy baby and she will have to unlearn the behaviour.
I feel for you jeni but our children have reached the age where they have to stand on their own feet.

Jacey Fri 01-Jun-12 15:07:29

jeni I'm sorry this is upsetting you so much ...can I suggest that you make a list of options and points that you wish to make to your daughter tonight that you are clear-headed about how you can support her.

But, I think you are totally correct in saying they have made a rod for their own backs such, they will have to solve the problem of their making. You can give advice and support ...but they have to decide how they will move forward.

I realise that if your daughter does not go back to work she will have to repay all the maternity leave money she has taken and may even be deemed to be in breach of contract if she doesn't return to part-time work at the end of next week. However support may be a way that you could help. But in the long term ...your daughter's chance of employment within the teaching world would be limited if she let down her current employers as they would be the ones to give her a needed reference ...and yes, I know this is not the immediate priority.

Just remember, this problem is not just of your daughter's making ...there were two involved in the decision making.

Jeni ...stop feel guiltying because you are working and have a disability and so cannot step into the breach.

jeni Fri 01-Jun-12 15:07:31

I agree. I think I know how I'm going to deal with her
Thanks to all you lovely people,flowersflag