Coming to terms with an absent son

I think The Prophet is a good book, too.

Tanith I think the weather has got a lot to answer for this month and I hope you didn't think my comment was cynical in any way. My eldest DS is in Mexico and I have to admit to have having a huge cry this week and I'm not usually like this.

Thanks HildaW , and Grannylin not at all , when I'm in a better frame of mind I'll agree with you 100% . I was surprised to learn there are lots of beaches on Gib..and its such an interesting place too.

He did hint at another wedding soon , when a bit worse for wear at the family wedding last week so who knows I could be crying for another reason soon enough....

I think that you are lucky in that he is a drivable distance away - I know you would need to stop a couple of nights en route but look at all the places you could visit en-route.
My son and his wife went to USA about eighteen months after they married but as it was foreign service had flights home every year etc. They returned to UK but I realised they did not really settle. They had the first DGS in UK but their standard of living was not as good as it had been in USA.
He got a good job in America and they emigrated permanently when DGS was two. My DD and I were upset but only ever talked about it together and consoled each other. We never said anything at all to him or DIL. Her family on the other hand told us they did not want them to go taking DGS etc but we said however we felt it was up to them and instead of looking at it as them moving away we would think of all the holidays ahead.
We have been to visit and we speak every weekend on the telephone and on skype etc. When any of our side of the family visit we are positive and have a really good time - by contrast several time when the family of DIL have been they are always unhappy about something once even to the extent that DIL's mother wanted to know who was going to look after them when they were old - their other children were at that time in NZ. They managed to sour the whole holiday.
Holidays whether in US or UK are treasured times and we all enjoy them - we also tend to suffer from the fact girls want to spend more time with their own family than the inlaws and I just go along with that and say nothing - DS always makes sure we have some time with him and when possible DS DD and I go out for a meal - just the three of us and talk of past times - we are very close as their father became and alcoholic and we had some awful moments. My DH doesn't mind this at all and neither does SIL.

Just delight in the fact he is happy and not only that Gibralter is a lovely place and that part of the Spanish coast!

One of my favourite poems is by C Day Lewis and it is called "Walking Away". It describes a parent's thoughts as he watched (18 years ago) his young son play his first football match and walk away to the school with a straggling bunch of boys - it is the first time that it is really brought home to him that he has to let him go. The last two lines are wonderful.

The last verse is:

I have had worse partings, but none that so
Gnaws at my mind still. Perhaps it is roughly
Saying what god alone can perfectly show -
How selfhood begins with a walking away,
And love is proved in the letting go.

Tanith you are bound to have ups and downs but Gracesmum is right that there are a lot of positives that you can focus on when you have picked yourself up.
DS1 in NZ, DS2 in Sydney with grandkids. No kids here and my DH is not their dad. it can be lonely at times. Biggest mistake I made was not getting my backside over to NZ sooner. (Long saga, won't go there now - suffice it to say if your son it healthy that is another big plus!) But I have now become adept at long haul travel on my own.
Neither of mine are well off or able to buy their own homes.
My uncle emigrated to far side of Canada in the 50s. About 2 years after my father had died at age 34. If I feel sorry for myself I remember how brave my Gran was, carrying on alone (she was also widowed).
Gibralter is just around the corner, woman! Cheap flight to southern Spain! Get your backside out there!

That's lovely Mishap, you nearly set me off again!

AlisonMA I did say that with an iPhone it is free after the initial outlay. I just find it so much clearer and easier than Skype, as do the grandchildren.

As everyone says our children are not our children-I am struggling not with a son who is a poor communicator but a highly educated daughter always too busy to answer the phone. At least I see the GCs as she has to find somewhere for them for 8 weeks hols-ie my home or the other GPs. My poor mother had a son who only turned up to inherit our home when she died and then waited 17 years until he contacted me(he needed stem cells) so he was a top class poor communicator value what little you havetanith I know what you feel. My other DD is a gem.

as the saying goes (not sure where it comes from)
a daughter is a daughter all of her life
a son is a son until he takes a wife.

lump in my throat from the C Day lewis poem - will remember that when I feel bereft.

I am forever travelling to see my grandchildren and if I am lucky we all get together once a year. It is a shame as my grandchildren get on extremely well and we used to live very close to each other and my two daughters, DIL and I did a lot of things together with my grandchildren each week. I lived overseas when I was younger and kept in touch by letter to my mother. We use FaceTime but not every week, Facebook messages and emails, plus the phone to keep in touch.

I sympathize completely with you tanith. My DS, partner & DGD live in Canada and it was incredibly difficult to accept the situation, still is if I'm honest about it. Communication is not easy but if you have an iPhone or smartphone there is an app called "WhatsApp" that gives you free text messages to other countries and free picture messages too. I've found that very useful as a way of keeping in touch

tanith you've done a grand job! He's enjoying his life and he's successful. I completely know how you feel - its the Mummy Gene, once you've got it you can't let it go! I once watched my dog who had a litter of puppies, grumbling and shoving them out of the way when they got too big and troublesome and I thought, "wish I could feel like that". Its all too easy to say - let em go - if only we could, we'd suffer and worry less. When mine had grown up and got married, I left and went to live abroad...they were so upset when I told them what I was going to do! It was the wrong way round you see. Funny old world isn't it. But well done you for making a confident and happy human being of your son. Have some and a glass of xx

Thank you for the poem, Mishap - I shall remember it. And once more I realise that I am fortunate in having my family in the same country, though hundreds of miles away.

Tanith ((hugs)) But I have loved my visits to Gibralter, both military and other times. Do go!

Roots and wings, eh?

tanith, I hope you're feeling better today. x

I've hesitated to post on this thread because what I feel about my daughters who live too far away for me to drop by is not pain and never has been. The emotions I feel are certainly strong, and love is foremost, but I would only describe the emotions as positive. Even missing them and wanting to see them feel more positive than anything because of what I think of when I'm wanting to see them: what wonderful people they are, how I admire them, how we pick up where we left off when we do get together, even how they don't actually need me any more. That's positive because it proves my parenting achieved what it set out to achieve. I made mistakes and have regrets like everyone else but the end result is only good so I can leave those behind and be happy that my daughters are free, independent spirits living good, admirable lives. That's all I ever wanted for them and – I think I am being honest when I say this – all I ever wanted for myself as their mother. I look on every visit to or from them, every call or email (not frequent but that's fine), as a lovely present.

There is still DD3, but as she prepares to start high school next month she is already moving away step by step, and I am feeling happiness not sadness about that. It is as it should be. I'd be worried if she wasn't asserting her independence in small ways and, in so doing, figuratively pushing me away.

None of this absence/removal/separateness of both body and mind) makes me feels less loved by my kids. So I am never sad when I think of their separateness from me.

I am lucky, I know. I hope nobody minds me sharing my happiness.

Bags, I share your sentiments entirely.

I don't understand why 2 of you think skype is not clear. For us it is so clear I do wonder if you have tried the latest version. It is just like looking at the television and if we were to plug a laptop into the TV they would be lifesize too.

grandmanon this is what I was replying to:

We all find the iPhone much easier than Skype and much cheaper also, apart from the initial outlay.

Which is why I pointed out that skype is completely free so nothing could be cheaper.

It is of course much easier to see one's friends and family on a laptop or PC than on a phone.

Gibralter! 2 Years Ago! Blimey I thought he lived in New Zealand and had just gone! You have got the 'sads' in a bad way - I think as someone on this thread has said it could be the weather. When my daughter and her b/friend went to Nuremburg to live for a year, I missed her terribly. But we all looked at it as an opportunity to visit and she also came home for Xmas. She had a great time and I was lucky that they decided to come home but I do think given the chance they would have settled there. As long as they move to Europe, Italy would be very acceptable, I'd be ok with that - just not the other side of the world as its so expensive.

I used to enjoy visiting DS when he worked for a holiday company abroad - Alps in the winter, Mediterranean in the summer! - though that is very different from its being a permanent move. But there are times when I would love to have the opportunity to visit him and his family in a nice warm, sunny climate - especially now. So many Gnetters have family on the other side of the world which puts your situation in perspective. Why don't you go and enjoy the ambiance of Gib and the South of Spain?

I think quality of Skype is partly dependent on the quality of the internet connections. Good broadband with fast speeds at both ends help? Anyone else think that?

B Lovely post. That's what I aim for......nearly there.

Right on Bags. Btw Hope you're feeling better vis-à-vis chest pain.

I find the visual quality of Skype is fine, but the evenness of the sound depends a great deal on bandwidth, and on the age and power of the PC or laptop it is used on - both ends.

Thanks Elegran we must be lucky with our bandwidth and laptops! I recently replaced my old PC with a laptop but had no problems with the ancient PC