Disparity between presents for DGC.

Thank you all for your posts.

None of our grandchildren have all their presents from Father Christmas. They have stocking fillers from Father Christmas and then presents from family, for which they always write thank you notes.

DD1 has always had a family party for the children's birthdays which is when we have the remarks. I rarely ask my children what to get their children as I think that way they only get their mother's ideas. Some of my children's best presents when they were young were from their slightly 'off the wall' aunt. She was also responsible for some of the worst!!

The other grandmother and I have, since the children were born, looked after them for a day a week so she should be able to think of something.

I do periodically buy all the grandchildren clothes but not stuff they 'need'. We will continue to buy what we want to give them and hope she stops embarrassing us and her son and daughter-in-law.

I know that I do spend a great deal more than DS's in laws but I buy clothes, coats and shoes. The toys are the smallest part of the gift. GC usually greet the clothes with "boring" but I don't mind because Santa brings the toys not Grandma. DIL tells me what the children are in need of and I try to follow her wishes regarding style and colour. I really don't worry what other GPs think, my money to spend as I like and I like to spend on GC

I have to say I am totally perplexed by all this angst about presents for grandchildren. I had one grandparent, my children had one grandparent, there were no expectations. I give my grandchildren the presents I want to give them and their other grandparents do likewise. It's not a competition and if your grandchildren are steered to make it so then that's a problem of the grandparents' making. This, in the greater scheme of things, is not a big deal and giving any indication that it is, which children will pick up on, is not a good idea. Sorry, rant over

Just a thought: how many of you here felt this was a problem for your parents/grandparents?

Fortunately my DDs MiL had same views about present giving as myself. A smallish present on the day along with some stocking fillers and some money in the bank. I do not have a lot of cash, but also I don't think it does kids good to have too much. Even when I was married and well off the kids always got a reasonable amount but were confused when friends were inundated with stuff.

When the Gkids came along, MiL and I agreed what the strategy would be so no conflict there but when my ex's wife appeared, the huge bags of toys and clothes of every description was ridiculous. I was cross because of the excess quite frankly for the first couple of years and so was my opposite number but we tried not to show it.....about three or four years in, the step gran has learned to temper things and with the addition of third Gkid now probably realises that it all gets a bit much and considering there are others on the way, it is better to rein in a bit overall and put any spare cash away til they are older.

The thing that does upset me is the complete lack of thanks or even acknowledgement of the cards, parcels and money sent abroad each year to son, DiL and two g kids until I ask a few months down the line and its...oh! Yes we did get them, didn't we tell you? Grrrrrr!

We usually kept back a couple of presents until Boxing Day - it keeps the excitement going. One year, my daughter bought her usual shed-load of toys and put some away at the back of her wardrobe and completely forgot them. She found them in February, and they were greeted with rapture as the excitement of Christmas had waned.
I was exceptionally lucky in one set of 'the other grandparents'. My daughter's mother-in-law is one of the nicest people I have ever met and I never felt any competition to be the 'most loved' grandmother. Sadly, she now has Alzheimer's and doesn't recognise her grandchildren.
My other daughter's MIL was an absolute bitch who never bought the children anything and would have resented any woman that her son married.
My own MIL used to knit the girls horrible jumpers in cheap, scratchy wool, which they refused to wear apart from the day we visited her.

I just lump all my presents in with whatever arrangement each family has and drive round on christmas morning to catch as many as I can opening some of their presents. When they come to my house, they bring whichever toys they can carry and their treats are things like games, and pulling crackers over the course of a meal. The ones who are old enough thank me for the present that they know was sent by me, and parents thank me on behalf of the infants. I get a list beforehand from parents and tell them what I got. I don't aways know what in-laws have given. My grandchildren are fortunate to get lots of presents. There's usually a bit of a clearout beforehand, and toys and clothes given to charities or social services to give to families who will be able to use them.

I do wish acquaintances, work colleagues and friends of the parents would not feel they should buy for the children. It gets out of hand. Children really don't need as much as they are given these days. My 12 year old grandson is still learning how to work out the cost and value of things, as he's always had whatever he wants. Ex-DIL competed with other parents to show they had more than everyone else and it caused so much friction. My son spent last Sunday afternoon playing a 'guess how much this cost?' game with him, and showed him how to find bargains in the market the week before. Until they separated, my grandson believed that his parents could/would buy him anything he fancied. I didn't openly criticise, but my son says he could always tell when I disapproved.

What happened to the season of good will?

Mishap holding conversations in languages that not all present might understand is bloody rude!

kittylester , I have some misgivings about the "spoil them at Christmas and birthday" thing, to be honest. My mother would always end up buying the boys far too much, I think in the main it was for the pleasure she got from watching them open them, not much thought seemed to be given to where on earth it was all going to be stored!

I'm also against the idea that all presents come from "santa", apart from the fact that the very word makes me vexed.

Gifts from relatives should be presented as such, not included in the Father Christmas pile/sack whatever.

Lovely, Bags! My GDs and their mum come to us for Christmas dinner, around 2.30-ish, but by that time they've been to their Dad's parents where they've been inundated by presents from the other grandparents, and various uncles, aunts and cousins. Whatever they are given here seems to be an anti-climax, but that's the schedule and I can't really object!

The more I read threads like this one, the more I realise how lucky I am. My daughter will send messages telling me what GS is doing with presents I have given him. So today, for example, I got an email saying he was marching about the house with the doctor's set I sent, saying "Are you poorly?" and treating various ailments.

I don't think my grandsons have any awareness of what I've bought them over the years, which I do get a little bit upset about sometimes. They get so many presents for birthdays and Christmas that it's a bit overwhelming, but I put an awful lot of thought into what I give them that I'd kind of like them to know that it was from me. I'm not saying that meaning that I want them to think I'm wonderful or anything. It's just that I read the youngest one's baby book once [the sort of thing that people have time for with the first baby but not the second] and I hardly had a mention present wise, and yet I think I bought him something pretty much every week; couldn't go into town without buying him more toys or books. I know I'm sounding a bit pernickety, but I just wanted to get it off my chest [feel better for that ].

I agree, jO5. I just thought "Oh, for goodness' sake!" Just as well I've never met such silliness. Soop's wise suggestion of smiling and carrying on is the course to take, I think.

I am firmly of the opinion that you should just carry on and ignore her. Why should you change your ways? These are you DDs children and of course you want to, and have every right to spoil them. She is clearly a bitter woman. So what if the GC notice, it's a fact that they will have to accept and learn to live with. Its her problem.

This year several of my grandchildren are getting toys which have been bought in charity shops or at NCT nearly new sales. I have also made quite a few little presents, such as hats and scarves, which I have customised to reflect the interests of each child(e.g., Hello Kitty). (one such hat given a few years ago proved to be such a success that it was only taken off at bedtime!!). I tend to buy each child several smaller presents than one large one, but this also means that I can spread the present buying out through the year, taking advantage of sales reductions. These are not always toys, but things like socks, pants and pyjamas which also helps the hard-up parents out with their budget.

I honestly don't think that the cost of a present is reflected in how much the child enjoys playing with it, I remember one year when my daughter was a child she spent all Christmas Day playing with a pack of multi-coloured pipe cleaners I had bought as a stocking filler, while more expensive presents got ignored until another day!!

I would say don't worry about how much or little you spend, if enough thought is given to the child's interests, they will love their pressies from grandma and granddad!!

Oh, she's a grown-up for goodness sake!

Don't pander to it.

Give DGC whatever you want to give them.

My grandchildren, quit rightly, adore their lovely grandma (son-in law's mum in New Zealand). She has a sizeable number of grandchildren (lots of sons and daughters) and I have no idea what she gives as Christmas or birthday presents. I am quite a naughty spoiling grandmother on these occasions as I don't see my grandchildren very often. I know there have been a few comments about my being OTT – and I am the first to admit it – but what the hell. Interestingly, the children don't weigh up one set of grandparents against another – maybe because it is so different having them in different countries. We'll have to see what happens next year when we have emigrated. There will definitely be savings in postage.

Tralalala, deck the halls, fallala, tis the season to worry bout presents . Ain't it a pain.
Suggest you talk this through with your daughter kitty

I agree with Granny23 I have 7 GC and all the presents come form Santa so no one knows who has bought what. I also buy presents in consultation with Sons and Daughters in Law so the presents may well be part of an overall theme. I also tell them my price limit so all are treated fairly. I have no idea how much the parents of my Daughters in Law pay for their presents.

Kitty surely the way round this is to ensure that presents are not opened with an audience! In our family, DGC currently 5, 5, & 3 yo, all presents come from Santa anyway so comparisons do not arise. There will always be discrepancies in how much GPs can afford or are willing to spend, not least depending on how many DC and DGC they have. My side of the family have always gone totally OTT at Christmas, my parents with 4 DGC gave them far more than DH's parents with only 2 (and far more disposable income). Our current fellow GPs will be totally unaware that we have spent 3 or 4 times as much as they have because the pyjamas for all, including Mums and Dads are left by Santa on Christmas Eve and the presents that the DGC 'buy' and wrap for their parents appear mysteriously via Santa's Little Helpers aka US!

I forsee many threads in the run up to Christmas as Grands grapple with etiquette issues as extended families try to merge differing traditions. This is such a pity and causes loads of stress at what should be a happy time. Wish I had advice to pass on, a magic wand to wave, that would solve these dilemmas. I do have two thoughts worth passing on - one is that 'Christmas is a Season, not just a day' meaning that it is OK to spead out parties, dinners, get togethers, present exchanges rather than cram them all into one huge day in one small house. The other is a rule of thumb which says 'Christmas is for Children, New Year is for Adults' which I interpret as postponing the big heavy sit down meal, raucous behaviour (and the excessive drinking) until New Year.

kitty - this is a bit naughty - could you give something homemade, just once - it would silence them!

I chicken out - I send money to my grand-daughter and gd-in-law and they buy what they want for my great-grand-daughters but make sure they know it is from Nannynoo. They send me photos on FB of the little girls with their presents. I have told both of them that I don't care if they don't spend all the money as the children are too young to notice how expensive a gift is, and both couples are struggling financially.
I think that many grandparents spend far too much on presents - no child needs a four foot high teddy! My daughter tried to out-do the other grand-parents and her daughter had to tell her to stop buying toys as there was no more room in the house. It would have made far more sense for her to open a bank account for them and put some money into that regularly.
My daughters' large toys were almost all found at jumble sales or second hand shops - I bought a lot of books, colouring materials, stickers, etc. which cost only a few pounds but gave hours of pleasure. When they were older, they had one Sindy doll each and got new outfits for them - my gd had about 30 different Barbies.
I noticed when I stayed at Christmas that an overload of toys was actually counter-productive - the children were overwhelmed and did not start to play properly with any of the toys for several days.

I have just lost this whole post so will start again!!

As an example my parents-I-L never gave presents of any kind to us or the children; whereas my parents made a big thing of birthdays and Xmas - the children could not fail to notice this disparity!

There were two exceptions, both of which occurred when we happened to be visiting them on a GC's birthday. In one instance MIL gave my 9 year old DD a book on the Queen Mother - great stuff!; and on the other my 6 year old DD received a birthday card complete with its cellophane cover and WH Smith bag - MIL handed it over, saying "I bought you a birthday card, but thought you might like to write in it yourself" - no wonder I found communication with these highly eccentric people difficult!

But also highly intelligent: both were linguists and were codebreakers at Bletchley Park. Luckily I had done French, English, German and Latin in the 6th form or I would not have been able to keep up with their conversation at all - they were conducted in a variety of languages and peppered with Latin tage and quotations from Shakespeare!

Maybe make your Xmas present for opening on the day of a similar value and slip in extra treats during the year in the form of outings paid for etc.

It is difficult - some people make more of presents than others and this can cause a disparity, not just finance.

It is diffficult kitty however careful you are about it, I can see how the in laws might feel that they are being outdone and might be feeling that you think they are being mean. It is not polite of them to comment on the disparity in that manner though. A bit more imagination than socks would not come amiss either.

I think jodi's point is a good one though. MIL is quite possibly feeling rather embarrassed or ashamed that she cannot compete. She sounds as if she is low in self esteem already. Could you speak to your daughter or SIL of your concerns about the situation?

I could be in a similar position to you and this has made me think!

How about 'fixing' it, with the approval of your daughters. Buy a small present each to open - and get them another one to open on Christmas Eve, or Boxing day?