Missing my son

JessM I am sorry if you read my post as insensitive - I was merely making an opening remark to a poster who's name I hadn't seen before. Having read your profile I see your children are both many thousands of miles away so my question to storynanny obviously grated.

Happygran I think it's a fact that girls do tend to keep their boyfriends either to themselves or take them home to their own family. I wonder if a girl might feel potentially challenged by her boyfriend's mum and therefore tries to keep him away. It sounds as though she is very young in your son's case. Hopefully she will come round if the relationship becomes long term.

phoenix

phoenix really unnecessary. Sorry.

It is shorthand for putting a brave face on it sel and smiling insincerely as you wave them through the departure gate at Heathrow. Or up the gangplank or whatever. Gottit?

storynanny and therein lies a tale I suspect You may be called to account for multiple exclamation marks I believe. However, sod 'em say I Why is your grin fixed?

I'm not arguing against it greatnan but for a moment there you were sounding a bit one sided about it.
story it gets a bit blooming tedious doesn't it, being the grown up and realising that mum's emotional needs are way down the list of priorities with the offspring. C'est la vie though isn't it for most people. It often makes me feel a bit uneasy when adults are being overly solicitous about their parents' feelings. Maybe because my mother did not keep hers to herself as much as i would have liked

Phoenix, I am so sorry to read of the tragic loss of your son I have never really listened to the words of 'My Heart Will Go On' but reading them puts the song in a different light and shows how appropriate and hopefully, comforting you must have found it.

Happygran Your son's first serious relationship will be hugely important to him. The novelty of spending so much time with his girlfriend's family will wear off and if you are friendly and welcoming, she will want to spend time with you as well. Be patient.

Jess, I am sure you know that I am not so naive as to think emigration suits every family - you have to be a certain kind of person to make it work. I have watched many programmes in the series where the couple were totally unrealistic about the level of salaries and the price of housing in NZ
For myself, I would rather have a go at the big adventure than spend my life wondering 'what if'.
My own daughter tells me she sometimes feels the separation from the three children that remained in England very keenly, but the three who are in NZ absolutely love it and would never return. She also realises that with six children and an adventurous streak the chances were that one or more would jet off somewhere!

Greatnan, I am sure that the 'loved ones'' messages on Wanted Down Under are stage-managed and also edited for the maximum emotional effect. The couples might get a different and more balanced story once they get back to UK.

Fixed grin!!!!! I think I've been doing that nearly all my adult life!, with absent boys, as a daughter in law(twice), as a mother in law, as a new nanny, as a teacher listening to ridiculous new initiatives and so on.....

It is not a bed of roses for everyone greatnan - emigration I mean. I know it has been good for your family but it appears to me to be difficult and lonely for many young families. It is also strange experience for them being the "foreigner".
One of my sons once said, comparing where he was living in the southern hemisphere to a bit of the coastline back in Wales "It is beautiful here, but it doesn't feel like "mine".
I agree about the emotional blackmail though. Been there, done the fixed grin.

I watched 'Wanted Down Under' today and yet again a parent was putting emotional blackmail on their child not to emigrate, even though they knew the grandchildren would have a much better life in NZ
In the end, the prospects of a better job, a lovely beachside house, good schools, friendly people, and a wonderful outdoor lifestyle won the day but the grandchildren were reduced to tears by the grandparents.
I am sure nobody in Gransnet would be anything but supportive, whatever big adventure their children wanted to undertake.

I've experienced the empty nest of boys 3 times now and there are days when I'm really really sad about it, especially as they are far flung, including USA and my partners daughters are just round the corner. But I bite my tongue hard and try to repeat the mantra we have children for them to be independent. Eldest son did comment at christmas, after spending 9 th one away for various reasons , how fortunate and appreciative he was that I never made a fuss about it! Little does he know how I secretly am saddened.

ga of course I understand there would always be overspill. I didn't mean for a moment that a 'named' topic would be the only place to post about bereavement only that it may be a place similar to the 'estranged Grans' as you mentioned.

It would also be a means by which people, new or otherwise, could search for the subject.

Lovely words Sel

I agree with ga (I must stop doing that!) Sorrow crops up when it does, not to order. Something 'got to' phoenix but it could have been anything, on any thread. So, no need for Happygran to feel sorry that she brought up something that was bothering her. Just be glad that phoenix felt able to speak.

Sel they are fitting words that convey so much. I am going to send it to my sister. Thanks x

That's beautiful, Sel. I haven't read that before. It has a deep resonance.

Phoenix you may have seen this before but in case not, it might resonate

Please do not ask
If I am now recovering
Or if I see the light
At the tunnel’s end.
Nor speak about relief — or burdens lifted.
And, worst of all, new starts.
Please, please don’t ask
If I am getting through —
Have come to terms
Or find my life Is back on track.
Of course I live each day to each
And gladly smile
My coping, to “prepare a face
To meet the faces that you meet”.
What else is there to do?
In any case, you would not want to know
The daily loss that lasts eternally.
Just, please, don’t ask.

You must have been through so much.

I understand your thinking Baubles, but I suspect that there will still be an 'overspill' into other threads and then people may feel as though they ought only to have posted on the 'bereavement' thread. Bit of a waffly response, but do you see what I mean? Bereavement can affect every aspect of life and therefore it will crop up all over the place - as it has, and does. Some people may find it helpful though, similar to the thread for 'estranged' grandparents.

Perhaps it would be an idea to have a topic specifically for bereavement. It may give people the space to talk about their pain should they wish. What do others think?

Sending love phoenix

Happy - you need not feel bad about your post - it is very relevant to lots of grans - no-one is making a rating scale of loss, and I am sure lots of us will understand your situation.

Letting children go is hard, but remember that being in love is a form of madness that settles down over time and I am sure that your relationship with your son will bed down with time into a happy, but different, pattern.

If the girlfriend's family live a distance away it makes perfect sense that they would go and stay for a while as they cannot just pop in.

Well done for bringing up a son who can form such a close relationship. Give it time - all will be well.

happy sorry we all went off on a tangent and didn't offer you the support you need, its hard when they start new relationships and they are head over heels, but please don't feel we don't understand how you are feeling

Don't feel bad, Happygran and Cheelu - we just wanted to get things into perspective, but of course we understand that any mother can feel a bit lost when things change. I like your description, Kitty - all relationships shift from time to time.

phoenix (hugs) You know we are here for you.

Happygran its two different things isn't it? You and your son are just shifting around to achieve a better fit.