Your opinion and suggestions please

Keep posting Eliza on other treads

Thank you for helping me through a difficult time

yes good advise jinglebellsfrock thank you--just wanted to say thank you to everyone because you ALL helped--apologies to soutra I was feeling a bit raw at the time of your posting and a kitten meowing would have sounded aggressive so sorry and please accept my apologies and a thank you.

Just let it go now.

I thought you felt guilty about messing them about - first you will swap homes and then, when the deed is done, you change your mind. You are bound to feel guilty. It was a mess.

Didn't the OP mention feeling guilty?

Could you point out one aggressive syllable in my post? I am baffled.

Dear soutra thank you for your comments--I dont believe I said I felt guilty about my son at all but again thank you for your comments all be it them being a bit aggressive thanks Eliza

I thought this was done and dusted - if it is, let sleeping dogs lie - and not just for a while, Full Stop. I dont know why you are suffused with guilt vis a vis your son - he is a grown man and needs to fend for himself not come running to mummy. I am surprised your DH even countenanced the idea.
Tough love is what is needed here and I also hope your DH can stop you doing anything silly like offering a similar move at any time in the future. As jingl would say -

My husband was brilliant and tried to calm everyone down

He was concerned for me because he had no seen me in this stressed way
for a long time.

I think the best thing is to let things lie for a while

I have no feeling of guilt, I do have concerns of course because this is not a good situation

For the person that was confused--I am married and husband and I swapped--we do have another son but he does not live with us.

Thanks everyone, your in put is much appreciated as this is not a problem I could talk to anyone else about.

Thank you

Like annodomini I'm wondering why your husband hasn't taken a stand on this. If not, it's about time he did.

eliza I would not even begin to try to anwer your last post. Only you know whether you would all be better off without each other. Anyone who expresses an opinion publicly on the subject without having known you all well for years is just asking for trouble.

We would be wrong if we said yes, and wrong if we said no, and if you acted on either of those answers you could do completely the wrong thing and regret it for ever.

I'm a little puzzled about where your husband comes into this. I gained the impression from your OP that you were on your own and now you speak of your husband and another son. So who moved into the one-bedroom flat? All three of you? I'm not implying that you misled us but I must admit that I am confused.

PS, Do you think we are all better off without each other

yes yes I am very worried about everything--but it was un fair for THEM to ask this of me.

I could not live in the pidgeon hole in which they wanted to swap with AND I did ask them for a trial period but my request was fo foed.

Thank you for your comments

Oops! forgot the

He had his blood pressure checked?! Are you not at all worried about what this is doing to your pregnant dil' s blood pressure?!

I think you need to let them get on with it now. Think about something else.

Hi everyone thank you for your input it is very much appreciated

Where we are now is my son has stayed away and only speaking occasionally to his Dad.

(Someone asked about what type of property it was, well mine is my own and my sons was rented and he transferred my name onto the tenancy)

He told his Dad that he had his blood pressure checked and it was high, he sounded quite stressed and sad

I am quite sad too because after all is said and done he is still my son and I do miss him.

The only and main reason I have not tried to get him back within the family is he does always seem to wan this own way and were my husband and I will put up with it his brother will not and last year it came to fisty huffs!!

So even though I would like him back within the family I am afraid that his relationship with his brother could get ugly.

Any advise would be appreciated Thank you x

I'm a little confused by the timescale OP. On 5th January you asked for advice and by 9th January you had swapped back, is that right?

When is the baby due?

I Agree with, Penstemmon. It sounds like a rocky relationship. I would try to resolve the situation before the baby is born. Because once you fall in love with him/her your son will have you wrapped round his finger.
If it doesn't get better before then (the birth) I would say: do your worst.

To an outsider and from what you have posted the relationship with your sounds very fragile , even before the swapping back and forth of properties.

I think it was , in theory, a good plan to swap if both of you were equally happy with the arrangement. If however you felt bullied or blackmailed into it then the relationship was always a rocky one and it not surprising your son is continuing to try to control you through emotional blackmail.

I hope that when the baby arrives that he does not carry out his threat. Meanwhile I would be trying hard to maintain a strong but friendly stance. Difficult but essential if you want to see your grandchild I think.

No Of course its not justified I would hope it was said in the heat of the moment and perhaps with 7 months or however long to the birth it might lose its momentum If you do have contact I wouldn't in any way talk about anything to do with the baby unless they do Wait and see is my advise and hopefully they will come round

They are the words of a child stamping its feet because it didn't get the sweeties

no your son was not justified in saying that...sad to say many of our children blackmail us grandparents in this way ....they dont seem to comprehend that in the end its the child/children that suffer the consequences of their parents behaviour!!

You are so right everyone--especially about loosing control when helping our children

Looking back on all of it now I realise that it was a step too far for my son to ask for my home.

It is quite sad for me to have a son that is so selfish as this is not the only episode of such like.

I have learn' t that his love is very conditional--I will help you care for you if there is something in it for me.

My brother was exactly the same and he is the spitting image of my brother and is very much like him in most ways.

Just glad its all over, it did feel like a nightmare! I glad to be getting on with my life

One final thing I would l like your opinion on if you dont mind too much

One the day we agreed to swap back my son told me that if we did swap back the consequences for me would be that he would no longer wish to have anything to do with me and I would not be a part of his baby's life.

My question is, do you feel that this was justified for my son to give this consequence to me?

It would be great to hear your opinions and I await to see what they are, and would like to thank you in advance.

I'm assuming this was a council swap? And as jingl says, did you really move everything..... or just do a trial run?I can see why your son would be unhappy, but of course if he did use bullying tactics in the first place? Iwould never give up my home, but maybe allow family members to live here on a short term basis if life was difficult for them.This may sour relations between you, but I guess you have to explain that you wanted the best for them but couldn't stand the reality and are sorry to have to change your mind.