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Your opinion and suggestions please

(44 Posts)
eliza Sun 05-Jan-14 21:56:02

Hi I was told about Gransnet by a friend

I would like to tell you about a situation I find myself in

My son and his fiance found out that she was pregnant and asked could we swap homes as my house has two bedrooms and they were living in a one bed apartment

At first I could not believe the cheek but I began to feel guilty that I could be helping them and should be helping them.

To be honest I changed my mind about it a few times but finally came up with a No.

However we then encountered a problem with mic and I am absolutely terrified of them and thought that as my sons fiance is not it might be an idea to swap--so we did

BUT I am totally miserable and extremely depressed and feel quite trapped isolated and even a little panicky.

SO...I went to speak to my son and explain how bad I was feeling and I actually was in tears, and not the usual wimper I actually cried from the pit of my stomach and did practically beg my son if I could come back to my home and swap back...but he asked me to leave.

Right now I can barely put in words how depressed I am feeling and do not know were to turn I dont know how this is going to end and I am looking for some help with this...please...thank you

absent Sun 05-Jan-14 22:00:41

It's actually easier to get rid of mice than family members so that seems to have been an unfortunate decision. I think you should establish the legal position – who owns the property or is the legal tenant, for a start. I suggest you talk to someone at the Citizens' Advice Bureau and I would guess that there are gransnetters with more knowledge of these sorts of situations who might be able to offer some helpful advice.

jinglbellrocks Sun 05-Jan-14 22:21:53

Are these council properties? If you have gone through all the legal side of things with the council, then I would n't think you would be able to get your old place back. Is it still early days in your new home? Perhaps you just haven't given it enough time yet. Try not to panic. Allow time and there is every likelihood that you will soon be happy again. If the old place has had mice, there is every likelihood they will come back. You are probably better off where you are.

I hope this doesn't' spoil your relationship with your little family. Try not to let it. flowers

grannyactivist Mon 06-Jan-14 09:28:56

Hello eliza and welcome to Gransnet. I'm really sorry about the predicament you find yourself in, but without a little more information it's hard to know what to suggest.
What kind of housing are you talking about? Owned/council/private rental?
Did you transfer the house/rental agreement into your son's name?
Do you live alone?
Do you have other family who can help?
What is your relationship with your son generally?
Without a little more context it's hard to know what suggestions might be useful - please come back and tell us more. smile

dollie Mon 06-Jan-14 09:58:42

was wondering if this was done legally and above board! as the other grans have said its not clear how you went about this...

if it were a council swap done through the council you could always go on the choice lettings list and do a swap with somebody else if you hate where you are now..

BlueBelle Mon 06-Jan-14 10:34:24

Oh dear this sounds like bullying and badly too but do give us some more information as its hard to understand on just so few points

sunseeker Mon 06-Jan-14 10:55:28

It is sad when one family member appears to take advantage of another.

I know of a family where a couple were having financial difficulties, they sold their house to pay off their debts and moved in with the husband's mother. They then persuaded the mother that it would be better if the house were in their names (something to do with inheritance tax I think). So the mother transferred the property to her son and his wife, the son was an only child. A year later the wife said she didn't like the mother living with them and as a result the mother had to move out into council accommodation where she lived, estranged from her son and his family, until she died.

Nelliemoser Mon 06-Jan-14 12:45:54

sunseeker That happens more often than you might think. Relatives persuading a probably vulnerable relative to do that swap.

Note all Older people. Do not give your children part ownership of your home without independent legal advice to secure your position.

granjura Mon 06-Jan-14 14:20:00

That is just so tough Eliza. As others have said, it is impossible to give advice without knowing if you are talking about privately owned, or council properties, and whether proper documents were drawn out by solicitor and signed.

I would really seek advice from a solicitor, and as said above, The CAB, asap- and also mention your fears and possible threats made.

Good luck and tell us how you get on.

KatyK Mon 06-Jan-14 16:07:21

What a dreadful situation for you. Why do our children have a habit of making us feel guilty, sometimes to the extent that we do things we feel aren't right for us? I hope you sort this out eliza flowers

granjura Mon 06-Jan-14 16:13:57

I have a friend who gave her house to her daughter and sil- on the understanding she would continue to live there until her demise. Legally she had to pay a commercial rent on the house to her daughter and sil- but she was happy to do so. Sadly her daughter died young, and her sil inherited the house from her. He let the mum live there- but then he met a new woman and got re-married. Within 2 years, the new wife had persuaded him to kick the mother out, and sell the house.

We were considering doing the same at some point- but this dreadful story put us off forever.

Good luck- but you really need proper legal advice.

BlueBelle Tue 07-Jan-14 07:54:06

Eliza do come back and talk to us even if its only for a good old moan we may not be able to do anything but listen but even that helps

harrigran Tue 07-Jan-14 11:29:27

I agree with all of the above, no matter how good a relationship you have with your children you do not sign over your property without taking legal advice. It may not be your own child that does the dirty on you but their spouse may see you as not part of their long term plans.

eliza Thu 09-Jan-14 19:25:59

Hi everyone. Thank you for taking the time to help. ALL OK NOW!! I swapped back

It was a total nightmare--I have a ground two bed with a garden and I swapped with my son who had one of those dredful modern cage box type apartments.

Things got quite terrible because my son did not want to swap back and I had to literally beg him and drive him mad til he gave in--He did not give in due to concern for me, it was more to do with the fact that he knew I was not going to give in.

At forst it sounded like the right thing to do what with them having a baby and I thought I was doing right by my son

I have helped him absolutley loads--this year alone I have helped him financially on a regular basis and have given him over £5000

I have given him everything he has ever asked of me but asking for my home was a step too far for me and for the first time ever in his life he did not get what he asked for.

It was originally his idea to ask me for my home -- someone mentioned bullying--at one point it did actually feel like bullying.

Can I please have your opinion on me aski for my my home back

Thank you

hummingbird Thu 09-Jan-14 19:39:51

Well done, Eliza! You have done the right thing, and I'm so glad you're back in your home. Perhaps this is what you needed to make think about how you handle your son. We all want to help our children, but if you go too far it can easily become a situation you can't control. Stop giving him so much. Make him stand on his own two feet and get your own life back. Let him see that you're not going to be a pushover, and over time, he will learn to respect you more. Good luck!

BlueBelle Thu 09-Jan-14 20:33:58

Phew so glad you've come back with a update I was worried about you
you have definitely done the right thing and Hummingbird has got it spot on in what she says He's a big boy now coming up to be a Dad step back and let them find their own way Lots of love and good luck

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 09-Jan-14 20:37:24

Not sure why you would want our opinion on getting your own home back. confused

Whole thing sounds very odd to me. Did you actually move furniture? Both of you? Are you both seriously out of pocket? How has your pregnant daughter in law to be stood up to all the upset?

harrigran Thu 09-Jan-14 22:38:00

All's well that ends well. You will no doubt think long and hard before making a similar decision again.

liminetta Thu 09-Jan-14 23:11:53

Gosh, eliza, cant believe what happened, with you swapping your home with your son. Now you are back, I would advise never to lose your home again, and stop over-helping your son. Its time for YOU, now and good luck!grin

rosesarered Fri 10-Jan-14 12:08:28

I'm assuming this was a council swap? And as jingl says, did you really move everything..... or just do a trial run?I can see why your son would be unhappy, but of course if he did use bullying tactics in the first place? Iwould never give up my home, but maybe allow family members to live here on a short term basis if life was difficult for them.This may sour relations between you, but I guess you have to explain that you wanted the best for them but couldn't stand the reality and are sorry to have to change your mind.

eliza Fri 10-Jan-14 12:09:00

You are so right everyone--especially about loosing control when helping our children

Looking back on all of it now I realise that it was a step too far for my son to ask for my home.

It is quite sad for me to have a son that is so selfish as this is not the only episode of such like.

I have learn' t that his love is very conditional--I will help you care for you if there is something in it for me.

My brother was exactly the same and he is the spitting image of my brother and is very much like him in most ways.

Just glad its all over, it did feel like a nightmare! I glad to be getting on with my life

One final thing I would l like your opinion on if you dont mind too much

One the day we agreed to swap back my son told me that if we did swap back the consequences for me would be that he would no longer wish to have anything to do with me and I would not be a part of his baby's life.

My question is, do you feel that this was justified for my son to give this consequence to me?

It would be great to hear your opinions and I await to see what they are, and would like to thank you in advance.

dollie Fri 10-Jan-14 12:40:48

no your son was not justified in saying that...sad to say many of our children blackmail us grandparents in this way ....they dont seem to comprehend that in the end its the child/children that suffer the consequences of their parents behaviour!!

BlueBelle Fri 10-Jan-14 13:17:40

No Of course its not justified I would hope it was said in the heat of the moment and perhaps with 7 months or however long to the birth it might lose its momentum If you do have contact I wouldn't in any way talk about anything to do with the baby unless they do Wait and see is my advise and hopefully they will come round

They are the words of a child stamping its feet because it didn't get the sweeties

Penstemmon Fri 10-Jan-14 13:28:00

To an outsider and from what you have posted the relationship with your sounds very fragile , even before the swapping back and forth of properties.

I think it was , in theory, a good plan to swap if both of you were equally happy with the arrangement. If however you felt bullied or blackmailed into it then the relationship was always a rocky one and it not surprising your son is continuing to try to control you through emotional blackmail.

I hope that when the baby arrives that he does not carry out his threat. Meanwhile I would be trying hard to maintain a strong but friendly stance. Difficult but essential if you want to see your grandchild I think.

petra Mon 13-Jan-14 07:30:48

I Agree with, Penstemmon. It sounds like a rocky relationship. I would try to resolve the situation before the baby is born. Because once you fall in love with him/her your son will have you wrapped round his finger.
If it doesn't get better before then (the birth) I would say: do your worst.