Husbands

Oh God, I would hate it if mine tried to argue back! He doesn't usually bother. He knows I'm always right.

Women are communicators and men are not, that's why women prefer a row and men retreat off to bed/shed/ pub etc.However, it would be worse if men shouted and screamed back at you wouldn't it? A lot more threatening.So, probably a good thing if they do retreat, and women shouted less. What annoys men [who think differently] is that women rarely argue about one single thing, a row brings up things from yonks ago; who hasn't yelled 'and another thing.....!!!' while the man gaped in amazement.

No Penstemon it wouldn't be ok. Perhaps I haven't read every post so may have missed the one about the punch.

I have only just stopped hating him, after 20 years, I don't need the flowers, I am fine, but thank you anyway! If he would only emigrate I would be very happy.

And what does make me exceedingly happy is that after years of managing to hide his alcoholism, he now has a big bulbous red drinker's nose. Ha.

janerowena

Indeed - and my Ex was an abuser. There was a lot of history before that bowl of hot oil and for many years after it. I never hit him, and never threw anything at him ever again - I was far too scared to. DBH would never dream of hitting anyone, I can't imagine going back to those days and living in fear the way I used to, it feels as if I am looking at the life of someone else.

Ex was one of those men who changed as soon as they got married. He told me that he thought of me as a possession, and I should always ask his permission before I did anything. He was also an alcoholic. Husbands (and wives) do indeed come in many guises. Yet despite all the dreadful things he did to me, I still feel guilty about that oil, but wish he had had at least a splash of it. I have quite a few scars, he has none.

If a man punched his wife (you/your sister/your daughter) 'only once' in the ear would it be OK?

I agree. There is a huge difference between the odd temper-tantrum behaviour illustrated on this thread (my own post included) and actual, prolonged domestic violence.

I agree soutra that domestic abuse is no laughing matter. But most of the posts here are about the everyday difficulties that ordinary couples often face. It would be a dull partnership if there was no passion. I often hear people say ' we've been married 40 years and never a cross word' and my immediate reaction is 'how boring' My marriage has had some major downs and some equally amazing ups. When things have boiled over things have been said and done that both sides have deeply regretted. We have worked through them. One or other has apologised and valuable lessons have been learnt. At no time did I ever feel a victim or a perpetrator. Just passionate about something. Perhaps it's because neither of us are sulkers. We don't let things simmer. My daughter was a victim of domestic abuse. There was always a horrible undercurrent of fear even when there was no actual violence. My work brings me into contact with Domestic abuse so I do know the difference. I would hate to think that my post insinuated that domestic abuse was the norm. It most certainly isn't. If a partner is making someone's life a misery. If it's affecting their self- esteem, their mental health, they feel controlled, have been isolated from their family and friends or they are violently attacked raped or controlled they need to get help to leave.

Yes, Soutra, I agree that generally speaking domestic violence is not a laughing matter and it can sometimes go in the direction of female to male.

However, I do still smile to myself when I remember DH's surprise when I suddenly punched him in the ear. I could tell from his expression that he was secretly pleased I had done it for the reason I gave above. He could have flattened me if he had wanted to of course.

That's the difference, usually, between male to female and female to male violence. Not always I know.

Incidentally, does anyone remember how in the forties and fifties films often showed women slapping a man around the face or throwing something at them. It was thought of as being tempestuous in those days and was quite acceptable, even sexy. Romance usually followed.

Soutra I have met a few abused men, who had become sole carers of their children, where the violence against them has been hugely damaging in exactly the same way as domestic violence damages women.

Lyndysim. I hope I haven't given the wrong impression of my relationship.
I am one of the luckiest women I know. My OH makes me laugh out loud constantly, can fix/ build anything I want. He's still attractive, very sociable, many friends. I never have to worry or think about money. I could go on, but it would seem too much. LOL.

I know this is meant to be a light hearted thread but any domestic violence ( boxed ears or thrown china) makes me feel uncomfortable. Violence is not always one directional, male-to-female nor is it all too often a laughing matter.

Dare you, Grumppa!

We've always rowed quite a bit.

I once boxed his ear and he loved it because it gave him the moral advantage for years afterwards (that time you hit me!)

yes well said Miahap DH depends on me so much (he tries not too) and now to add to his troubles he like Mr Merlotgran is partialy sighted, cannot read his favourite gardening books that he loves so much..but he never gives up so we too must soldier on there are so many worse of than ourselves.... Onward we go

Well said, Mishap. My DH has many health issues including partial sight but he has worked hard to be as fit as possible and although he depends on me for an awful lot I know he would do the same for me.

I try to keep calm in stressful situations to prevent him having an anxiety attack but don't always manage it.

Difficult for a grandpa to post on a thread called Husbands. And we're much too chivalrous to start one called Wives.

I threw a wooden hairbrush at my ex - gave him a black eye! I'm not so hot-tempered now, thank goodness.

We have both mellowed over the years, I think, but he still can be arsey irritable when he is hungry. Or if I suggest going out (then enjoys it) or doing a job (then is pleased he has done it), or keeping an eye on the DGC (then enjoys building duplo or something) etc etc etc

I do no think I could actually throw something at him, for me that would be going too far, but we are all made different

I never threw anything at ex-DH, but I used to go into the kitchen and bash a saucepan against the work top. I had a cupboard full of bent items! We actually didn't ever row, so when he heard the banging he had to work out what he had done wrong!

Good post Mishap

Lindy, I'm fairly sure there would be a good number of men who would do similar things but we have very few men post on here.

Well Lindysim life is about give and take and if you finish up with a sick partner you do what you know he would do for you if the situation were reversed.

I think loyalty is very important and we have to bite the tongue sometimes. I am sure that all the ladies here have their own foibles (like me too!) and that their OH's could write a similar thread from their point of view.

A seriously abusive partner is obviously someone to leave pdq; but the srot of niggles in this thread are just part of life.

Cathybee: You don't say how often he does it & whether anything changes & problems are resolved once he reappears. It does sound as if there's a lot else going on & you've had enough. Is it too late for him or both of you to seek some help? A few times when I got really frustrated with everyone in the family & didn't feel understood, I went into a room & beat out my frustration very loudly on a drum. It was a great way to change the atmosphere & they could hear Mum's power stirring!