New Grandma!

Nonnie 'speak up but kindly' is a better phrase than I used

PS Whenever I feel a tinge of jealousy in this situation I always give myself a talking to and tell myself that it is wonderful that my child has so much support and that my GC will have the chance to relate to lots of different people who love them.

Some good advice here. As I was reading the posts I had the same thought as nina except that I don't think I would be so lighthearted it could be perceived to be not important or so harsh that it could be seen as a criticism. Fine line between.

I think those of us who have sons often find ourselves sidelined in favour of the maternal grandparents and think it is very thoughtless of our DiLs.

I wouldn't push DS hard on this as he will almost certainly want whatever he thinks his wife wants.

If you say nothing there is a possibility they will think you are happy with things as they are. Speak up but kindly.

Please let us know how things go.

I recognise aspects of this situation and would simply say that it is not a competition. I have said to my DDs that this is how I see it and they must be free to use whichever grandparent they wish for child care, whenever they wish, and not to feel they have to factor in whom they might offend. I know that the other sets of GPs agree about this.

It is hard to feel marginalised because the truth is we love these dear GC as we loved our own, but I do think that the less this is made an issue the better, or people will feel they are treading on eggshells and trying to do the right thing, which is not comfortable for anyone.

Fairydoll I think you will find that as your GC gets a bit older and starts to toddle about there will be more opportunities to be involved. First time mums often look to their own mothers in the first few weeks and months - this then tends to broaden out as time goes by.

DS doesn't have children yet so I can only imagine how you feel I am in daily contact with DD, and babysit, do school run 2-3 times a week. SiL's parents live abroad so I always avoid contact with GSx2 when they are on their 2-3 trips to the UK each year. As I think it's only fair they have exclusivity at these times.
If you are on good terms with the other grandparents is it possible to have a light hearted word with them ? Maybe other nannie will take on board your feelings and speak to their daughter.
My SiL works lousy hours so I tend to see DD when he's working. They then get family time to themselves . Is it possible for DiL to visit when your son is at work ?

I agree that daughters in law mostly gravitate towards their own mums,its a natural thing for a girl to want her mum close by when she has her first baby,your son is probably not seeing a problem as he is so wrapped up with his baby and his wife at the minute and making sure they are alright within their little unit.
Can you not arrange to visit your DIL during the week even if your son is at work ? you needn't stay too long just an hour or so and you can catch up on cuddles that way,or ask can you pick her & baby up to go shopping & coffee or to look after baby whilst she goes for a few hours on her own.Things will even out I'm sure and please don't say anything which will be hard to take back once it's said.

Agree it is an age-old problem, which sometimes occurs when our sons have children. Your DIL is obviously close to her mother, so please try not to be hurt (difficult I know), and don't rock the boat. Try to make the most of the time you do have with your DGS, the balance may change as time goes on.

I have every sympathy. We have two sons and are in a similar situation, except one son and family live in the same village as the PILs. So they do the child care etc. We are only a couple of miles away and do see the GDS about once a week, but are never needed to babysit!

We always wait to be invited to their home. They are busy and we respect that they need time just to be a little family.

The other DS and DIL live in a village between us & DS, so even nearer. Hardly see them or get a text or phone call.
Without going into any details, we feel marginalised . I know DIL will have talked to her mum daily!

We have never had a falling out and are on good terms with DILs and DS, they are all lovely people, but do feel unwanted, at times. I also don't want to make a fuss, so that we are tolerated, as a 'duty'.

Only advice is to buy a big box of tissues! X[ flowers]

I sympathise with your dilemma Fairydoll2030. I have dropped to 4 days a week and have our grandson all day so my daughter can work. It's great. I agree with FlickeryB defo need to offer specific times days.

Our prob will come if the stepson has kids we'll be well down the list after diL parents and the exwife.

Don't ask if they can visit for a meal. Be specific, 'Come and spend next Saturday with us, it would give DiL's parents a break, they have been so supportive.'

Many congratulations on the birth of your grandson.

As the mother of three daughters I try to be aware of how the other grandparents feel but have to say I do forget. It would be easy for the husband's parents to appear uninterested just because they can't get a look in and this would be a shame.

Please have a chat with your son and try to make him understand that you want some pictures and memories too - there is no need to get cross and as your DiL is a nice girl I feel sure they will understand. Perhaps she could come to you sometimes as you live close and then you won't need to worry about outstaying your welcome.

Good luck

Forgot,to add to my previous post..... My daughter in law actually emails me pics of her mother holding the baby! Obviously they don't see the irony in that!