estranged father's funeral

I have only just come upon this thread and think that you did the right thing in going to the funeral.

Did everything go as you hoped?

I will echo the sentiments of Lona and Mishap: I am really pleased that you have come to a decision that suits you.

I wish you well raggymac and I hope your new-found sister and yourself can have a sisterly relationship; it would be nice for something positive to come out of all your anguish.

So glad that you have been able to make he decision that is right for you.

I'm so pleased for you raggy, it's always good to go forward on a positive note.
Best wishes to you and your newly discovered sibling.

I have just been visiting my own Mother in her Nursing Home- it was quite sad not be able to tell her about her ex husband's death although it was a rather acrimonious split about sixty years ago. She never remarried and now has dementia

Before my visit to my Mum I phoned my half sister and had a long chat with her about our feelings and she persuaded me that she and her own Mother would be perfectly alright with my presence. I even had a word with her Mother.

Things seem clearer now and at the moment I intend going to the funeral but not the gathering afterwards.

thanks everyone for their kind words

Such a sad decision raggy I would go if it was me and take the opportunity of a new relationship with your half sister who sounds a very caring person indeed.

What an awful dilemma raggy

It sounds to me as though your half sister is being very thoughtful and is happy for you to go - if you want to.

I think I would go because it might lead to a relationship with your sister which could be good for both of you in the longer term. She might also welcome having you there.

Please let us know what you decide and, if you go, how things were.

As others have said, only you knows what YOU want to do- follow your heart. I'd say go or you might regret it- but if you truly can't face the pain- don't. There is nothing you can do for your dad now- and he won't know if you are there or not, truly. Follow your heart and do not let anyone bully you into doing what you feel you can't do.

Thinking of you, jura

When my Dad died last year I took the decision not to view his body in the chapel of rest - I wanted to remember him as he had been. My sister and brother did see him, my sister in the home immediately after he died and my brother in the chapel of rest. I had been to see my Mum after she died and did not find it helpful.

I have never regretted not seeing Dad - he remains in my mind as a feisty guy, and not seeing him has not interfered with coming to terms with his death.

It is so interesting reading these posts. There seems to be a general feeling that people of our age just accept the death of elderly parents and do not grieve for them, because they were so old. How wrong that is!

We are all different and, as others have said, you should do what feels right to you. You can't worry about other people's attitudes.

I wasn't given the opportunity to attend my father's funeral. My parents had divorced, acrimoniously, a year before he died,and at 9years old I wasn't given a choice in the matter.

It has been a source of great sadness to me over the years even though, like you, I didn't really have much of a relationship with my father.

I think you might have regrets if you don't go, but I wish you all the best whatever decision you come to

Presumably your half sister will be able to tell you what her mother does or does not know about you.

But in any event, I agree with what others have said - it must be about what feels right for you. Will going to the funeral close a chapter for you and help you to move on? Or do you think the potential discomfort of the situation for you outweighs this? Viewing the body alone and not going to the funeral would get round the social discomfort of the situation and might serve to close the chapter for you without having to appear at the funeral if that is what is concerning you.

Please remember that whatever you decide, you have a whole life that did not include him behind you and to look forward to and that this is just one particular moment, that looms large in your mind just now, but will fade.

whenim64 emotionally distant are exactly the right words to describe my Dad. I am afraid of regretting my decision if I decide not to go and as thatbags said 'it is said that we only regret what we didn't do'

It is a great help to be writing down my feelings and to get the wise opinions of people who don't know me -thank you

I too think you should go with your instincts, but why don't you ask your half sister how she feels about it. This could be the beginning of rewarding relationship with her.
Good luck.

If you have the slightest feeling that in the future, you will regret that you didn't go, then go. I wasn't close to my dad, who was an emotionally distant man who put himself first every time. When he died in hospital, I was in another hospital and very poorly, but could have been taken to part of his funeral in a wheelchair. I decided not to go, and eight years on I don't regret my decision. My issues with him had been addressed before he died and I didn't feel any need to complete the circle of his role in my life that Soutra refers to. Good luck, whatever you decided to do.

I don't know if you feel you don't have a right to go but he was your Father and your half sister wouldn't have informed you of his death if there was a problem with you attending his funeral.

As has been said, you won't get a a second chance.

If you want to go to the chapel of rest and the funeral, that's what you should do.

raggymac - the main question is: do you want to go to the funeral? Ignore what others may think (for now), is it what you want to do?

My father too left when I was three. Very limited contact. Again I met my half sister only a couple of times and after he died I received from her pictures they had found he had kept of when I was a child. I was sad they hadn't told me of the funeral. Since you know when it is definitely go.

Your last sentence is wise too, soutra.

Wise words as usual Elegran

The only person who matters in this decision is you yourself. Will you regret not going? If so then go to "complete" the circle of his role in your life. If your feelings for him are such that you do not want to go, there must be no sense of obligation on your part. Personaly I would go but I am not you and you are not me. Do not feel you have to take anybody else's feelings into account.

Your half-sister sounds a very caring person Raggy.
I think viewing the body is a different thing from going to the funeral - it would be just for you and not make any difference to anyone else.
Going to the funeral as you say, would have an impact on others.
I think it would be a positive impact, from what you have written about your sister.
I would go.

You could ask your half-sister not to say who you are, or to make it vague - "a relative who had not met him for many years, but came to say goodbye". At the actual funeral there will not be much chance for the others to chat to you, and you do not need to stay for any get-together afterwards.

If his second wife already knows about you (it is possible) she may suspect your true identity, but if she doesn't, she will not be upset.

Follow your instincts.

The funeral is on Friday this week.

Thank you so much for all your replies.

I'm questioning whether I should go because his second wife will be there and she is a rather frail lady in her late eighties. Will she want me there?
Was he protecting her by not being in contact with me? There were plenty of opportunities for him to contact me over the years and he chose not to- only a Christmas card signed with the word 'Dad' Why? So many questions I will never know the answers to. My half sister does not know why he did not keep in touch and says he was a very private man and never spoke of his feelings.
I am still feeling very confused and said I would contact my half sister today.
If only the funeral was a bigger affair and I could slip in and out unnoticed.
My half sister also said I could go and see his body in the chapel of rest- should I do this instead of the funeral ?

I agree with JessM; go with what your gut tells you.

Question why you need help to decide - what's making you question it? There's no point going to funerals just for the sake of doing what is considered right (I hate that level of hypocrisy at funerals) but if you want to say farewell to your father, then maybe it's something you should consider strongly; you won't get a second chance.