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(81 Posts)
Paula8 Sun 15-Jun-14 20:36:16

Hello my name is Paula and I have come on here to talk to someone.

I am at a scarey point in my life, having been married to my husband for 21 years., I have lost feelings for him, I no longer see his clothes around and get a happy feeling, I no longer waite for the sound of the front door and happy that he is home. I no longer have anything to say to him, I now get bored in his presence, I feel anger towaards him, thinking back on the life that we have had, he was a bit selfish and spent no time with me or our children.
I feel very sad to be feeling this way at my time of life.

I have told him all of this and he just thinks I am just being horrible to him, but I cant help the way I feel, I truly wish I did not feel this way sad

He said that worse things could happen and I should just realise this and not split up.

But I feel empty and always always sad, I have considered ending it all but I just could not put my children through that.

Thank you for reading my post

whitewave Sun 15-Jun-14 20:44:42

Hello paula I think that what you describe is something that many of us have felt at some time in our marriage, but are still here to tell the tale.

First I think really that you should consider whether you are somewhat depressed and perhaps a visit to the Dr's may be helpful.
Once you have sorted that out counselling may be right for you both (although I have never tried that).

But tackle it head on and don't let it beat you!! Whatever the outcome try to be in charge of your feelings - very easily said at the moment I know - Remember nothing lasts forever and this will pass.

jinglbellsfrocks Sun 15-Jun-14 20:47:57

I've felt similar for the last fifty years. On and off. hmm

Have an affair? Run off with his money? Get some happy pills from the doc?

Or think of the good things and see if they don't outweigh the bad?

Crow Sun 15-Jun-14 20:50:06

Paula8 as whitewavesays, you do sound depressed. Have you thought about phoning Samaritans, you don't have to be suicidal to talk to them and a human voice may help you. They are not there to judge, but to listen to you. Here is a great place to chat but sometimes one needs to hear a human voice.
Do give them a call. I hope this horrible space you are in can be resolved soon.

Coolgran65 Sun 15-Jun-14 21:34:18

I agree with previous posters - you do sound a bit depressed. Of course, if you are very unhappy in your personal life you will feel low anyway. Probably you need help, a counsellor, even the shoulder of a close friend, to help decide .... are you depressed, or are you sad because you are miserable in your relationship.

I'd never tell anyone to up-sticks, only you will be able to decide how unhappy you are.

Can I tell you a story. I was miserable for 22 years of marriage, and smiled outwardly all of the time. But I wept every day. My husband had a mental illness and guilt prevented me from leaving because he was essentially a good man.
One day his social worker asked me when was I going to start to look out for myself ?? Oh, I had many times dreamed of being on my own, my GP had even said I needed to get away from the situation.
Out of the blue, one night, I did it. I phoned my son who was 19 to come home and with him there, I told my husband that it was over. He really didn't believe me. Next morning I phoned hubby's social worker and ask her to come to the house as hubby would need some emotional support. I phoned my f-in-law and asked him to come to the house for the same reason. Next day the house went up for sale, it sold within a week. I bought a small house which was mortgage free and went to work full time. I never wanted to have to be with anyone ever again tho I 'dated' now and again.
What do you know. Within 3 years I met my now husband, wouldn't marry him at first and we spent many years with two homes. We are now married 10 years. Both retired.

The family of my first husband refused to have anything to do with me or my son. Within a couple of years of our separation my first husband was permanently hospitalised... he is now deceased.

Paula8 - It is not easy to walk away, have you ever mentioned this option to your children. How do your children feel about their father. Would they understand if you lived separately. Or do you feel that perhaps marriage counselling could bring back some feelings if all was talked openly. Would your husband go to counselling. And even if he wouldn't go, counselling is likely to help you see more clearly how you feel.

There is always the possibility that you are indeed medically depressed and thus seeing life in a negative fashion. How long have you felt like this.

One thing is sure, you deserve some joy in life. You deserve to wake up in the morning and look forward to the day.
I fully understand what it feels like to feel 'empty' and spent many years being empty.

Whatever you decide, whether it is to stay, or whether it is to get some thinking space and time on your own, it sounds like you need to do something. Otherwise, what will change ?? What do you hope for in 5 years, in 10 years ??

Please forgive me for making such a long post. I want to let you know that I have been exactly where you are. When I made my decision I didn't know where I would live or how I'd cope financially, but I knew that nothing could be more miserable that the misery I was already living.

I wish you well, I wish you a peaceful heart and the strength to talk to someone and find a way to contentment.

HollyDaze Sun 15-Jun-14 22:17:33

Hello Paula - you haven't said how long you have felt this way, is it a recent feeling?

As others have said, it would be best to seek the help of people who are trained to help people in your situation. A psychologist once told me that many women feel the way you do; I know that doesn't help or make it go away but at least you know the feelings you have are the same feelings that many women have so it isn't a fault in you.

I do think you need to find out what is driving this before you do something as drastic as leaving your husband and see if the rift can be repaired.

I wish you well Paula and I hope you do ask for the advice and support that would help you.

Nanabelle Sun 15-Jun-14 23:07:50

Some very good advice here. I have often felt like you do too, I suspect a lot of married couples' feelings for each other dwindle to nothing much. I think we have to find our own happiness in other ways. Do the things you like to do, go out for walks, join clubs, yoga, line dancing - something that will bring you a little joy in your day. I often treat myself to a coffee out - my partner would never dream of suggesting we go out for a coffee or a meal, so I do it on my own or with girlfriends.
As you found the strength to tell your husband how you feel, I think you would also be able to talk to a counsellor and find some help there.
I am so thankful for my little grandchildren - they brighten our lives and offer a future too.

Eloethan Mon 16-Jun-14 00:30:16

Hello paula. I was sorry to hear that you are feeling so unhappy. I hope some of the advice and comments on here are of some help and comfort to you.

Maybe your husband is not very good at expressing his feelings but it appears from what you say that he does not want your marriage to break up - and that is at least something positive to bear in mind.

Perhaps your GP can refer you to a counsellor. Being able to unburden all those feelings of anger and disappointment might help you to see a way forward.

Along with all the other posters here, I truly hope that you soon find peace of mind and some happiness.

PRINTMISS Mon 16-Jun-14 08:45:20

Hello paula I agree with all the above, I think perhaps coolgran65 is another aspect of the story, mental illness is draining to say the least. If I had walked out every time I was feeling as you do, I would have done it probably half a dozen times during our long and really happy marriage, I think we all get really down with the humdrum of life, and so pick on the person nearest to us to blame. Not sure, however that that applies to you, and of course many marriages are not happy, and the solution is to walk away. But I would suggest you just stand back for a moment and think about it.

rosesarered Mon 16-Jun-14 08:54:34

Hello paula I wish you well in sorting out your feelings. All the other posts on here offer good advice, which I can't really add to, they have said it all.I think it's a common

Gagagran Mon 16-Jun-14 09:14:21

Like a lot of others I have been in your positionpaula and I wish you strength and a clear head to weigh up the situation. What do you really want? Do you want the boy that you married back? Are you the same girl?

It sounds as if your husband wants to make a go of it so perhaps if you can define what you would like from him in the relationship and tell him, then he might be willing to try and give you that. It sounds as if it's all got hum-drum and boring and the romance has gone. Can you do anything to put it back?

It will all come down to what you really want and what compromise you are prepared to make. The grass is NOT greener on the other side of the fence though and I should think carefully before jumping over it. Good luck! sunshine

kittylester Mon 16-Jun-14 09:17:39

I echo what Printmiss says! Which is more or less what others have said.

I hope you find some happiness soon! flowers

MiniMouse Mon 16-Jun-14 10:15:23

Paula8 . . . . . he just thinks I am just being horrible to him. He said that worse things could happen and I should just realise this and not split up

I picked up on these comments straight away. This does not sound like a very positive or constructive way of continuing your lives. He does not seem to be trying to address the issue or even willing to try, he's just brushing your feelings and concerns away - and possibly his, as well. In other words, just carry on as you are. He is comfortable in the situation, or at least prefers it to the option of you splitting up, so as far as he is concerned he is not going to admit that there is a problem let alone address it.

It sounds as though you have reached a watershed moment in your life. You do not say what has brought things to a head, but sometimes it's no particular thing, just everything reaches a certain pitch and you feel the need to act.

So many others on here have offered words of wisdom, but only you can decide what to do next. Just remember that many of us have gone down this road and have survived and found happiness, even though at the time we felt as though we'd never get through it.

I hope that it helps knowing that you're not alone in going through this and that you feel you can cope with whatever decisions you make.

henetha Mon 16-Jun-14 10:39:25

So sorry, Paula8. A bad marriage is a bit like being in prison, I think.
Be careful though and maybe take some of the good advice offered above.
After 32 years of a bad marriage, eventually I simply walked out and have
never regretted doing so. But that is not the right thing for everyone,of course.
Good luck to you whatever you decide.

annodomini Mon 16-Jun-14 11:34:34

Paula8, Your feelings about your husband are familiar to me. It's many years ago now but I remember almost hoping that something would happen to set me free. And yet, when he did find someone else, and announce that he was leaving me, it came as an enormous shock. Even though I didn't like him very much, we had history and memories together and I hated the thought that he was going to share these with someone else. Rejection is very painful and it's very likely that your husband is feeling this way at the moment. Is it a seriously 'bad' marriage. Has he been unfaithful? Has he given you any cause to distrust him? Or is he simply a bore with whom you have nothing in common? Would it help to have counselling, enabling you both to explore your feelings in a safe environment? Sorry - more questions than answers here.

Marelli Mon 16-Jun-14 11:42:15

Paula8, I agree that it's easy, and the most natural thing in the world, for a long-term marriage/partnership to go stale. We've been together for 44 years and I have so often felt like going away to be by myself because I've felt that there's not enough to keep me here - not what there was in the early years, anyway. But then, I weigh things up and realise I really do love this man, and would do anything for him, however grumpy and boring he often is.
My eldest daughter left her husband (of 22 years) two weeks ago. She could no longer stand the fact that living with him made her feel so stifled and miserable, added to this he was quite penny-pinching and controlling. She is doing well, and looking better than she has for many years. She had tried (oh, how she'd tried) to make it work, but her feelings for him really had gone. I wish you the very best, whatever decision you make. sunshine

Paula8 Mon 16-Jun-14 17:01:48

It has really helped reading all the posts.

Some have suggested trying a bit harder and thinking it through more--all very good advice, the thing is, I have thought about it for at least 10 years and have tried not to give up on things.

Someone said do I want the boy that I married back -- Yes that would be nice but not at all possible.

It is time to let go. I am not happy that my long marriage is over. If someone would have told me, when I married that it would not stand the test of time, I would not have believed them at all.

And I am scared of being in the house alone at night, not because I am scared of burglars but I worry about what if something happened to me! But, I can not think about that, I can not live my life in that kind of fear.

And now to be honest, I feel relief. I have wanted it to end for a long time and am happy that it will all be over in a while, when he finds somewhere to live.

I think we will have better times if we live apart, I think things between us will be better.

Thank you for all your kind words, thank you for taking the time to post and thank you for making me feel Normal! and not alone.

I have never met any of you and yet you have helped me so much, its crazy.

Best wishes to you.

jinglbellsfrocks Mon 16-Jun-14 17:32:20

How will you get him to leave? Is it really that easy? smile

Anne58 Mon 16-Jun-14 18:18:43

So what has happened between yesterday when you first posted, and today when you say happy that it will all be over in a while, when he finds somewhere to live. ??

Charleygirl Mon 16-Jun-14 19:53:32

I agree with phoenix it appears to be fait accomplis when you first posted.

Aka Mon 16-Jun-14 20:29:01

Often just putting your thoughts into writing makes you understand what it is you need to do or not do.

Anne58 Tue 17-Jun-14 23:20:30

So Paula8 what did happen to make the big change, and is your husband now actually looking for somewhere to live, as suggested in your post yesterday?

Things do seem to have turned around pretty quickly, well done you for making the thought the deed.

Paula8 Sat 21-Jun-14 14:51:30

Things are getting quite serious now as my husband has possiblly found somewere to move to.

I feel so confused .. I dont know why I feel confused about him going, if I thought that he wasnt going, then I would be upset that he wasnt going, but him going is also upsetting me.???

I am so confused sad

durhamjen Sat 21-Jun-14 15:06:46

Did it seem too easy? Did you want him to put up more of a fight?

Those of us who are widowed know that feeling of being alone and wondering what will happen if something happened to you.
It happened to me last year. You just pick up the phone, ring 111, and someone will talk to you until the ambulance arrives, hopefully within ten minutes. Even if you cannot talk properly they can trace your call providing you do not put down the phone.
That's one problem out of the way.

MiniMouse Sat 21-Jun-14 20:38:49

Paula8 It's not surprising that you're confused, it would be more surprising if you weren't. You're going through a huge life-change and it will seem confusing, even bewildering at times as you adjust. Even the practicalities may seem daunting, but you'll come through it at your own pace and in your own way. Just take each day at a time and take care of yourself.