Come and talk to us (and Mumsnetters) about the MIL/DIL relationship

on Mumsnet:

thornyhousewife:

"I have a very difficult relationship with my Mil. My husband says he hates her, she was quite a cruel and uncaring mother, to my husband especially.

I could write a book about her abusive behaviour over the years but you will just have to take my word for it. Her father committed suicide when she was young which must have been horrendous. I think it must be where her anger comes from but she takes it out on her children and makes them so unhappy.

After my first baby my feelings towards her changed, and shifted from sympathetic tolerance to out right anger, to be honest. The thought of her hurting my kids in the way she hurt hers and her other grandchildren made me feel really really angry at her.

I don't feel angry at her now though. We see her so infrequently she really isn't part of our lives. I feel sad for my husband. He has emotional scars but is thankfully a wonderful and happy dad to our kids.

I tend to think that if you have a good and healthy relationship with your son then you will have a good relationship with your DIL."

MewlingQuim:

"I love my MiL. She is my mum in law, and we get along really well because she doesn't try to mother me.

Unlike my own mother, who I constantly fall out with because she will not stop mothering me even though I am a grown woman who has lived independently since I was 16 years old

I think the secret to getting along with your adult family members, regardless of biological relationship, is probably: do not treat them like a child."

atotalshambles:

"I have known my PIL for 20 years. For the first 13 they were amazing. We would spend Christmas with them, go on holiday with them - I absolutely couldn't complain at all. They were wonderful. That was until we had a baby! I soon learnt that it was wasn't my baby it was 'their grandchild' and if we ever saw them they would take the baby away and have their 'time' with their grandchild. Whenever they would come to stay they would take over and act as the parent. They would be great babysitters and so I just learnt to hide my annoyance as the kids were happy. Since then they have 5 grandchildren (3 with me) and 2 from DD. They have always idolized their DD - she is attractive , clever and successful. Now that she has 2 DD I am always being compared negatively. Everything I say is wrong and everything my husband (their DS) is right. My MIL almost flinches if any of the children show me affection or hug me. She cannot cope with the idea that someone not related to her is bringing up her grandchildren. I went to stay with them last summer for a few days so they could see the kids. They would go out everyday with kids without me and leave me in the house on my own. I had my last baby late last year and was seriously ill. They kindly looked after the kids while I was in hospital but would not let me bond with the baby once I was better. They kept saying how they wanted to take her home to bring up themselves. Instead of encouraging me to bond with her they would take her into a different room to have 'their time'. I was talking to a good friend about the situation and we agreed that we will try when our time comes to get on with our DILs. If you are genuine and want to help I think you will have no problem at all. Don't try to be a pseudo parent unless your DIL wants you to !! It is so hard with small children finding someone you trust to look after them. I think something has snapped in me now and they either back off or we will see them heaps less which is a shame."

zanashar:

Unfortunately my MIL doesn't live very close to us, but if she did I'd absolutely love it. Mainly because neither of my parents (who live less less than 3 miles from us) are showing any real excitement at the prospect of becoming grandparents for the first time. �� ( they didn't even come to our wedding last year)

MIL has always been lovely from the day I met her ( think she was glad that someone was finally taking her only son off her hands!) and had no problem when he decided to up sticks from Northern Ireland to the Midlands to be with me three years ago.

As it stands the only grandparent who to have a relationship with our impending arrival is a flight away. Wish I could swap mine with his!

Anyone else have a similar situation?"

FinDeSemaine:

"*They kept saying how they wanted to take her home to bring up themselves*

This is just plain odd. I do wonder why people let their PILs get away with this rubbish, though (though I do realise that with a new baby isn't the time you feel at your most combative and completely see why anyone wouldn't feel up to a row). I have regrets about the relationship I have with my PILs but none of them are to do with the bits where I stood up for myself and told them they were overstepping the mark!"

Thumbwitch:

"My mother had a very poor relationship with her own MIL - Dad had left the northern area he was from, come South to work, met Mum and settled down South - strike 1.
Grandma only had 2 sons, no DDs, as did her sister - she told Mum that she'd never had a DD and didn't know how to relate to women as daughters (she'd had 2 sisters but that didn't count, apparently). Strike 2.
I was born 1st (a girl!). Strike 3.
Mum's next baby was still born and Dad had a nervous breakdown - Strike 4.
When the next one was born, my Dad was unavoidably away (years later and having had my own DC I can fully understand why this pissed Mum off for years) and my grandparents refused to come down and help until he came back. My lovely nan was the one who looked after me.

My Dad, otoh, got on brilliantly with my lovely nan - called her Mum, loved her possibly even more then my Mum did - I know he was more upset when she died!

So. My first nearly-MIL - nightmare, but then I was a gauche teen and didn't know how to respond to her "social" manners - I felt very intimidated and could tell that she and her DH didn't think I was good enough for their son. She ended up never talking to me - I would sit on a chair in their living room while she and her DS had their little cozy chats - good job I never married him, she became a complete nightmare!

And my current one? I met her when I visited in Australia, she seemed lovely, I was determined to make things work with her because DH was very attached to her (not as much as the previous one though!) and as I was likely to move out here, then it would be very important to get on.
She is immensely helpful, but...
She's be here every day if she could. She likes to be helpful but to the point of interference, which can grate.
One year when I took the DSs back to the UK I got home to find that she and DH had moved a load of stuff around, and broken some of my things, then hidden them and lied about it. I felt as though I had no place in my own home - a possible over-reaction but based on the fact that whenever DH wants to do something around the place, he calls his mother over and they do it together. They are the partnership, I am just here too. I suspect this is largely because he can tell her what to do and she won't argue, whereas I'll ask for justification for why he wants X done, especially if it seems as though Y would be a better option.
She still takes it upon herself to prune/plant/weed/change our garden; to the point where I've actually given up doing anything in it now because I don't feel it's mine. DH doesn't care - he thinks she's a great gardener and is helping.
I still get on with her but it's more of an effort now - I find her and DH's conversation to be very difficult to join in with because I disagree with a lot of what they both say, especially when they get started on their hobbyhorse topics (Immigrants, bitching about neighbours/work people) so I tend to tune them out. They also both converse while a tv programme we're supposed to be watching is on, and then both turn to me to find out what's going on!

She has been very supportive though and I do care about her and will miss her whenever she goes; but we're not best friends and I probably wouldn't see her on my own - I'll go out with her without DH but always with one or both of my DSs.

She probably thinks I'm a PITA as well, to be fair."

MissHC:

"Me and MIL. We've come to accept each other. I don't think we'll ever be friends.

I find her very hard work. She's quite childish and self-centred. She calls several times a week but will never speak to me; she always asks for DP straight away. Never a "how are you doing?" She really relies on DP (even though we live 250 miles away) to sort out her problems. I think it says a lot that she doesn't really have any friends and the rest of the family didn't talk to her for ages - only her brother does again since the birth of our DD.

She worked before she had DP, raised him as a single mother but hasn't had a job since he was born. He's 31 now. She's still on job-seekers allowance but everytime the job centre suggests a course or a job she's got an excuse. It drives me crazy really.

I'm quite sure she thinks I'm a spoiled brat. I'm from a very middle-class background, grew up abroad and travelled loads. She's very working class and seems to live in a totally different world from me. I don't know what she thinks of how we are bringing up DD, and to be completely frank I don't care. We see each other 3/4 times a year and that's enough for me."

QueenofallIsee:

"I am very very lucky - my MIL (and FIL) are wonderful, generous people who adore my children. They are respectful toward me without it feeling as though I am an outsider (exh family were formal somehow, treating me as though I was a VIP so it felt awkward all the time)

My MIL told me once that her sons made a choice to be with her DIL's and so her only option is to love us. She threw herself into embracing us (3 very different women) without being smothering or interfering. She asks to see the children as she misses them - this even though she has my sons every day after school by choice. She sneaks dinner plated up for me into my kitchen when I have been working away and knows her son probably hasn't thought to do it. She would never presume to overrule me even if she disagrees and would defend her family against all comers with her dying breath. I love her very much to be honest, she is one of the nicest people I know"

redhatnoknickers:

"My MIL made it absolutely clear from the outset that I was not welcome in her home and that her son was too good for me. She adored her oldest dgc but was less interested in subsequent dgc, until eventually she declared that DH and I had "too many children" and the PILs cut off contact. She was very difficult but I tried hard with her and I still feel so sad about it, especially as I would have loved a mother figure in my life, or just a friend of her age and experience. There should be an adoption scheme for those of us who long for a mother/grandmother figure to share the little things in life with."

PickleMobile:

"I get on with my mil but she and my fil are very different to my family and I struggle to bond with them.

They have raised a fab son who is the best husband and father I could hope for and for that I'm thankful. They are generous, helping us out with money and looking after our dd one day a week. And I am very greatful and owe them a lot.

I hate saying this and it will make me sound horrible, but they are not emotional people. They don't hug, or kiss or tell each other or us they love them which I find difficult to relate to and this has held back our relationship and makes it difficult for me to talk to them.

My mil is quite old fashioned. She is very house proud and my fil doesn't lift a finger apart from baking. I am a slattern and I always feel like I'm being judged on the cleanliness of my house. DH does the majority of the housework and I think she feels it should be me doing it all like she does.

I hope I can have a good relationship with any future daughter/son in laws. Sort of a mix between my oarents and dh's would be perfect!"