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DD3 has left the idiot - what now - advice appreciated!

(31 Posts)
kittylester Mon 14-Jul-14 11:16:46

Most of you will know about DD3 and her Idiot (or husband!). They have decided to call it a day and she has moved back in here, which we are happy with in the short term. They are in the process of clearing the house and I think we are going to rent a storage unit to put her furniture in.

He has offered her what we consider to be a paltry sum (less than half the rental they are paying on their current house) considering what he and she earned as directors of his company. She will cease to be a director so his income (assuming things stay the same) will effectively double. He is going to pay the tax, insurance and remaining lease on her car (It was a Christmas present confused so the lease ends in December)

She is accepting more or less what he offers and is keen not to make a fuss to maintain 'good' relations with him for the children (he said he would have the children for a couple of hours yesterday but didn't as he'd been to a stag night and felt ill!!!!)

She has agreed to go to the CAB for advice and DH is thinking of going to see a solicitor so we have some knowledge.

Can anyone offer any insight into what is reasonable for her to expect and what benefits etc she might get. She is reluctant to go to the CSA.

I'd like him to pay very dearly for the distress he is causing DD and two of my DGC and, therefore, the distress, mess and hurting eardrums that DH and I are suffering. I realise that is not quantifiable and we will all be fine in the long run but my blood boils when I consider him with just the blinking cat to look after. angry

Sorry for this long post but we are in the dark about this sort of thing and you were all so supportive last time I asked for help regarding the idiot!!

Anne58 Mon 14-Jul-14 11:21:14

Oh kitty what a mess! It's a shame that she didn't stay put and het him to move out. I really think legal advice is needed, and soon!

Mamie Mon 14-Jul-14 11:23:41

No useful advice Kitty, but a big hug for you. No doubt it will be very hard for everyone, but from what you have said, it feels like the right way forward.

Tegan Mon 14-Jul-14 11:26:17

Agree about professional advice asap. I had a limited amount of free legal aid when I realised my marriage was definately over...not sure if that is the case now?

kittylester Mon 14-Jul-14 11:27:25

That wouldn't have worked phoenix as they could rent two smaller properties for the price of that one and she has also been suffering from depression and panic attacks so isn't really happy to live on her own at the moment. Hopefully she will be before too long.

I just wish I hadn't just had all the carpets cleaned!!! grin

kittylester Mon 14-Jul-14 11:29:17

I think one can get a free half hour initially but I'm not sure LA is still available in this sort of case. The way I feel about it at the moment I don't care how much it costs! Grrrr!!

Nelliemoser Mon 14-Jul-14 11:45:45

Kitty I think it will be for the best but it will take time. Be strong for her.

HollyDaze Mon 14-Jul-14 12:04:01

kitty - your daughter shouldn't agree to anything until she has spoken to an advocate.

Did she agree to resign as a director? Is the business in his sole name? Did she have a working relationship with the business? Either way, she's still entitled to some income from the business.

As the car was a gift, I don't think he has the option but to pay the remaining lease but that would need legal advice as well.

Do encourage her not to opt for anything for a quiet life - the decisions she makes now could affect her and the children for quite a few years to come. My daughter did exactly the same and her husband walked away scot free - she ended up having to declare bankruptcy because she couldn't pay off the credit cards that he ran up whilst he has started a new family, living in a luxury apartment and holidaying twice a year. Not bothering to fight for your rights can seriously cost you in the long run.

Agus Mon 14-Jul-14 12:16:28

Legal advice ASAP and remind DD she is making decisions for her children's rights also. Best of luck Kitty.

whenim64 Mon 14-Jul-14 12:19:33

Good advice, Hollydaze. One of my daughters was saddled with her ex's credit card debts because when they were together she allowed him to purchase expensive furniture they didn't need from her card. He took it with him and laughed at her when she asked him to pay up.

The business needs looking at carefully, and a solicitor will ask both of them to submit an inventory of assets and their worth, plus household contents. When sharing the assets or their value, if he 'disposes' of anything, its cost should still be included.

Nonnie Mon 14-Jul-14 12:50:04

I think Holly's advice is excellent, please don't let her agree to anything yet.

You can go on the CSA's website and work out how much they say he should pay for the children according to his income. It is a good place to start and costs nothing I'd send you a link but the site seems to be down at the moment. Just google CSA.

harrigran Mon 14-Jul-14 12:51:52

I can not offer any advice kitty, no experience, but send best wishes and a virtual ((hug)) because you are in for a bumpy ride.

Nanalogue Mon 14-Jul-14 12:52:48

Oh dear, poor you, we have just gone through this too. No Legal Aid now, but most solicitors will give a free first consultation. Mediation is now mandatory before going to court and that cost DD/us £100 a session but has been useful. Agree with the others, legal advice re money is essential, particularly because of the business. Our DD found she was eligible for child tax credit and housing benefit. All very difficult and upsetting, feel for you.

suebailey1 Mon 14-Jul-14 13:20:43

kittylester so sorry not to have anything to offer but sympathy - it sounds as though you are all having a horrible

Lona Mon 14-Jul-14 13:30:09

Oh dear kitty, I feel for you all (and the carpets!)

Legal advice definitely, no matter what she thinks now, she is not thinking straight.

kittylester Mon 14-Jul-14 13:50:26

Thank you all - GN comes up trumps!! flowers

You are all saying exactly what we thought would be the case but it's going to be difficult to persuade her. My secret weapon with all of them is their sisters so I think they need a little briefing!!

Does Mediation just involve the marriage or is it about the money etc too, Nanalogue. I know I sound mercenary but we have to be because she isn't being, currently!

grannyactivist Mon 14-Jul-14 13:55:24

Sorry kitty no advice to add here, but remember to take a bit of time out for yourself in the middle of the maelstrom. flowers

newist Mon 14-Jul-14 14:59:46

kitty it is very difficult for everyone when a marriage comes to an end, what has been said earlier is sound advice, not rushing into quick decisions, is very important. Why I am posting this is because I think your daughter is so very fortunate to have somewhere safe to live with her children. even though your life will be in turmoil for a while, she is so lucky to have you for her Mum flowers

Mishap Mon 14-Jul-14 15:08:17

What a difficult situation, but it is better that she has left - I know that legally she might have been better of to stay put but she needs a semblance of peace of mind by being away from him - and for the children to be away from the bad atmosphere.

However, she does now need legal advice and, as others have said, should not agree to anything without it.

This will be a busy and stressful time for you, but knowing she and the children are out of the bad atmosphere and somewhere where you know she is being properly cared for must also be a bonus.

Good luck with all this - how lucky your DD is to have you there.

Coolgran65 Mon 14-Jul-14 15:59:44

I agree with everyone who says legal advice must be obtained. Off the top of my head DD is entitled to half..... Also, there could be a little more than half if she has DC.... get a good lawyer.

Agreements must be on paper, must be legal, so he cannot change his mind. Also court will help organise re regular child access and then it will not look good if he doesn't keep to the arrangements.

Need agreement sorted regarding what happens about school fees, school trips, christmas and birthday presents. Make sure he has to contribute for school uniform and extra curricular classes/events.

Agreements regarding holidays, taking children abroad, both parents would need to agree for this to happen.

You or her father could go with her to solicitor appointment to make sure her case is put forward properly. That she doesn't just agree for the sake of peace. It is not DD that argues the point, it is her legal representative. All DD has to do is provide documents as requested by solicitor. The two relevant solicitors sort it out. Any aggravation from DD hubby just tell him it's legal stuff and to do it through solicitor.

I worked in a solicitors office and dealt with the matrimonial files but it was a long time ago.

A good solicitor knows what to go for.

Nanalogue Mon 14-Jul-14 18:19:48

Not mercenary, you have to think straight. Yes it is about the money as well, it is about whatever they need to reach agreement about. My DD wasn't married to her partner so she has no protection or security unfortunately, but at least they sorted access and support for GS.

JessM Mon 14-Jul-14 18:28:13

She has a family doesn't she - so she owes it to them to get the best financial settlement possible. A agree that expert advice is important and not to agree to anything in the heat of the moment.

ninathenana Mon 14-Jul-14 18:59:08

I empathize kitty DD is going through this or should I say the family are ! Feel free to pm me if it will help flowers

Dragonfly1 Mon 14-Jul-14 20:06:15

kitty flowers for you. It's imperative she does everything through a solicitor. My late daughter divorced her first husband and we were amazed by the amount of detail that had to be properly decided. And that was with no children involved. Please persuade her to see a solicitor. I wish you all well. X

rosequartz Mon 14-Jul-14 20:22:28

For you kitty flowers and chin up!

When you say she will cease to be a director of their company, there will surely be legalities to go through and an entitlement to some recompense? I am not sure how it works but I would have thought so. Is she happy to cease being a director (less contact, less harrassment) or did he coerce her into it?

It never ceases to amaze me how some fathers are happy to see their children go without because they do not want to pay over a fair amount for their keep or to help keep a roof over their heads. My DN did not receive much at all from her ex for their two children - often nothing, he was supposed to pay a certain amount but consistently failed to do so. He lied about his income (he was in business with his father.

Good luck to you all