Relationship with Adult Daughter Strained

Agree Eloethan....being accused of being selfish by one's mother is no great indicator of abuse. We only have one side of this argument and as we all know when emotions run high we can get a bit carried away. No one is talking about removing a child....just calming a relationship down a bit.

You can lose contact with your grandchildren in the blink of an eye and no court in the land will grant custody of a child to a grandparent because the mother plays loud music in the car and is in a grumpy mood in the morning. If they did I'd've been in trouble. It's not easy being a young mother and trying to live at home with your parents, because the dynamics of the relationship have changed, and it's also difficult trying to be independent but relying on your parents for childcare, so we have to look at both sides in this situation. As I've said before, Southline just needs to come here to let of steam when needs be.

Quite Tegan!

Just another point I'd like to make, children grown-up or not, have a very strong 'judgeometer' as I learnt to my cost with my elder daughter. She went through a bit of a stage of leaping from one minor disaster to another and I know I said the wrong thing at least once. She shied away for a while saying that I was always pre-judging her and not accepting her. If your daughter Southline, feels that you are judging her she will put up barriers....its hard work I know and you do not like to see them making life more difficult than it can be but, you just have to smile, bide your time and be there when they ask. As time goes by it becomes less exhausting, they learn to stand on their own feet and you can begin to step back a bit and just enjoy being a Grandma. Good luck.

There is nothing in the original post to suggest she is in any way a "great mom".

The early morning scenario is heartbreak.

ing.

I've just looked at all your comments and I thank you all for your opinions. Guess I need to retract on my comment that "she were a great Mom"... I think I said this because when I speak to my family and even to my husband "they have told me this." No, you all do not know my whole story and it would be way too complicated and long to write. Yes, there are always two sides to a story. But, I know from my heart that I've tried to give you just one of the latest instances to explain the things that happen with she and I. I don't like her at all right now. I dread seeing how it will go when school starts. All I want to say to her when I see her is how ashamed I am that she doesn't get it. All I care about is my GS and could care less how complicated she makes her life. She is a "good mom" most times but let something interfere with her going to the gym, running, spending time with a new relationship... well I guess she is not really being who I would have thought I had raised her to be. What I did was raise her to be selfish with all her own needs. I can't tell you how it feels when she has told me that I don't do enough for myself. That I don't take care of myself. I don't go shopping enough for myself. I don't do this or that enough for myself and how she is going to do things for herself and that's just that... Myself, I guess I have always been a care taker. Yes, I do have a full plate and yes I don't have time like she does but that's because I'm filling in where she leaves off and I do the things I do because I realize that I cannot go back to yesterday and that it is today and the next that count for me. So if I didn't go to the "gym" "shopping" and "do something for "myself" it's probably because I were doing something for my family. If this sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself - I am not. It's because I have made a parental mistakes, I have raised my kids, and I know that life is stressful while you work and do the kid thing. I know that, I get it, and I just fall in to the world of Mom's don't have much time after the kids. Wrong or right I don't know anymore. But I know that she is not the Mom she used to be. She's always been selfish and it's always been about her... but I've grown used to that but this is because of my GS that it breaks my heart.

I asked her yesterday to make sure he gets his sleep because I would be leaving for a medical appointment with my Dad.

When he got here around about 7am he were tired as I would have expected. He did go with me to the appointment and I did my routine stuff I do with my Dad.

We were on my way home and I asked him. You must have gone to bed really late last night? He said they went to play tennis and didn't leave till around 1130pm. He said he asked if they could go home and he was told by the person she's been in a relationship with "Every time you ask to go home we'll be staying 5 more minutes."

So I get that my GS was probably beginning to get annoying by his asking when could they go home?

But....

Just wondering what you all think? I made a point to make sure she knew we would have to make an early Dr's appointment and ask to make sure that he get some rest? She said ok and that she would. To hear my GS tell it, they were out late to play tennis and if they didn't leave till 1130pm that probably puts it at midnight before he went to sleep and he would have had to get up by 630/645am to make it to my house.

So.... isn't this worth my saying something to her about?? Or do I just keep my mouth shut.

These are the kinds of things that drive me crazy... When an adult stays up late and has to get up for work they automatically know that they did that to themselves and they still have to get up and go to work, right? But a 9 year old, a 9 year old knows they have to get up and go but their doing it is completely differently than the adult? Right or Wrong?? I'm feeling like this was "selfish" of her to expect that being rushed in the morning to make it to my house so she could make it to work on time is a bit too much for a 9 year old. They are tired and only want to be sleeping. An adult on the other hand is kicking themselves maybe for being up too late but they still know that it was their choice to stay out late thus too bad.

Just wondering your thoughts cause it's constantly things like this I had to live with till they moved out.

The young lad should have had an early night and what they did was totally wrong and selfish. I can see why you're so upset . But still can't see a solution to it.

Ok so she gets here and while I'm in my room I hear her telling my GS to get his stuff together to go home. I go into the other room and ask where's your Mom? She's outside. I go outside and ask "you weren't coming in? I need to talk to you" She comes in and says what do you need to talk about? I asked when were she going to get their rooms cleaned up? She commented she hadn't had time and if I wanted I could clean them? I told her I didn't have time to do that and said she could at least put the stuff from one room into the other. I reminded her that when she moved in I had both rooms totally clean. She said yes she knew that. Then she said she would clean them her next available free Saturday. I commented so then, this Saturday? She said yes. She said she just hadn't had the time and I said you have had the time. Then she said "jeeze.... ok....."

But I know she goes to the gym probably most every night and she runs every morning. Maybe.... just maybe she won't run in a morning and maybe she won't make it to the gym on a night... but I know it will be because she is tired. Then I also know that while my GS is sleeping and she can leave him with her room mate and she can and probably go to the Gym. Thus since he will have eaten dinner and then once he goes to sleep he is good to go to bed.

So this is part of her character I see as being selfish. She doesn't have time to clean up her mess left in two of my bedrooms but she does have time to go to the Gym. She has time to go play tennis? And she doesn't have time?

Forgot to mention that I also mention to her that I had asked her to make sure GS got his sleep the night before since I'd be taking my Dad to his Medical appointment. She looked at me and acknowledged she knew that I had asked her to do this and this is where it was left. No apology... she had nothing.

I said nothing more to her. I just looked at her and they left.

This would have been one of those times that would have turned into a battle of words between us. Until I found this site, I would have expressed my anger and this is probably when I would have told her she were selfish and rude... I don't know exactly what I would have said but these are the times I lose it because the more I say the more she says and I just cannot stand that she can't get that she does GS the exact same way that she does to me.

Breaks my heart to know that he deals with the nice mom and then the not so nice mom.

Maybe it's just me? I can take whatever you have - I just need to know I guess is it just me expecting too much?

If I was you Southline I would send your daughter a message, tell her you realise she has been busy and have cleaned the rooms for her. Then later tell her if she is going to have a late night and early morning to drop GS over so he can stay the night and save her rushing in the morning. Hopefully this will become a habit and your GS won't have to have late nights with his selfish mother and her current relationship.

Telling your daughter off will alienate her and you will see less of your GS. Do you want to be right, or do you want your GS to be happy?

I was going to suggest the same, that your GS comes over the night before when you are looking after him, so that he gets a good night's sleep if you have to get up early for your Dad. If they are going out to play tennis could they drop him over to you first?
Poor child, sounds as if he was desperate to get to bed.

No comment about your DD's new OH, and it would probably be best if you didn't comment about him either! If you criticise him she will stick to him longer still.

Yep! least said etc. We all have to learn to bite our tongue as we get older and watch our grown-up children. Unless of course there is downright abuse, as eloethan said.

The difference being southline is that your DGS is not your child and responsibility and this is all you want your DD to do, take the responsibility to bring her son up right and proper.

I know exactly what you mean. My DD left her near 1 year old unstrapped in his high chair while she went out of her flat, down two flights of stairs to let me into the entry system on their flats. She said he was asleep upstairs. I thought she meant in his cot. No, he was awake and squirming in his high chair, unstrapped when we got into the living room. Anything could have happened. She let her eldest son when he was a baby climb out of his cot and throw himself over the bars onto whatever was underneath him. I would have put him in his own bed on the first time he did this but she continued to let him do it. When her brother was born, she was 9 years old, old enough to see that our main priority was to keep him safe. It beggars belief.

We are right to keep our mouths shut at certain things but where there is a measure of safety or neglect (not letting your DGS go to bed when he is tired out is a form of neglect, in my opinion), then I do think as grandparents we have a right to step in and say something. Even if it is only to draw it to our children's attention that we know about the incident concerned. The granchildrens safety and welfare are our concern too. If something was to happen and we knew they were neglectful in their parental duties but did nothing, we would never forgive ourselves. After all, our DGC are a continuation of us too.

I would mention to her any incidents that arise, just to let her know that you know. I wouldn't make a scene, but just so she knows you are aware of how your DGS is being treated might be enough to bring her to her senses.

On the rooms being untidy? Hard one because I just shut the door on my teenage son's room but then only he uses it. It's not nice to have your DGS live in a room that is untidy. If his room is separate from his mum's then one day when you have him, get him to help you clean it. This at least teaches him about clearing up after himself, a lesson his own mummy should be teaching him.

Keep your chin up love, I very much sympathise.

About your Grandson, I know exactly how you feel been there, my daughter in law is not a bad Mum but is selfish and does stupid things like lets my grandson watch bad TV

At the end of the day when all is said and done unless you can move him in with you permanently there are limits to how much you can help this poor little innocent sole

But what you can do is what you are already doing and making sure he knows you are in his corner being there for him and mostly have him at yours as much as possible.

You are doing well and all the right things, you may not be able to ever change your daughters selfish ways but if there was a way, it would be to kill her with kindness instead of pointing out too many things she does wrong---this is what I did with my daughter in law, In all of the turmoil that we had going on, I just said to her..I just want help you..they were my exact words and in my case made a massive difference and turned things around

He is very very lucky to have you in his life

I wish you all the best

I also have a similar problem with one of my daughters and I have just not said or done anything and just let things run their course. I am not allowed to see my GK bu the eldest one hers is 10 (ELDEST OF 5) and she is already talking to her cousin who I have contact with about this invisible grandma so I will just wait and see and then you cannot be accused of really doing anything wrong.

hello southline,,,,,,,,,,oh dear,,oh dear,,,,,i really feel for you,,,,,,i have been thre believe me i have cried oceans over my daughters,all 2 of them one way or the other, both of them shut themselves off from me,,,even changing their phone numbers, so i couldnt call them,.......of course we know nothing,,,,! !,,,,,,,have no exsperience of life...! !blah blah blah, i have had slammed doors,,,tantrums,,,been told f,,,off..........ignored,etc etc etc, my daughters lived with me,,,i have helped them beyond compare,,,,spent thousands on them,,,,,but i have learnt to keep my feeling to my self,,,,because they will go off and i know i wont see them ,,,or my grankids,......so as much as you are at screaming point let your daughter do he own thing....say nothing,,,,,...i would offer to have your grandson more,,,tell he ..."" if it helps you out....would you like me to have...??? at the weekend.....that way you can have your grandson in bed early so he can get some sleep...poor thing,,,,,,,,,,,,,kids are selfish,,,,,,,she wont thank you for telling her off......they think we are nagging, she wont take any notice of you anyway,,,,,so dont waste your breath,....they think they know it all. let her carry on,,,,bind your time,,,,,,,she will change...eventually. they all need us sooner or later. re the tidying of rooms....dont exspect any miracles.....i find kids of today are untidy,,,,,,,,,just close the door.....give it a good clean up when shes gone, dont go into the room she will think your spying and that will be wrong too,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,just keep quiet i know its hard to do........but you have your own health to think about,,,,,,so take a deep breath.........keep us posted.,,,,angiebaby,sending you a hug,x