No visits allowed

I can understand all of the comments about difficult births etc. but still see no reason whatsoever for your Dil's rudeness and nasty comments on that bloody awful Facebook lizzyr Why spoil such a happy,family event? There are plenty awful things going on around us everyday and surely a new baby in the family, especially your first child/grandchild should be celebrated. I would have a gentle word with your son (who is the babies daddy after all) and try to see what's really going on. Is she a control freak who is used to getting her own way all of the time? Do you and her have other issues and she is trying to get back at you via you naturally yearning to see your new grandchild? It's a tricky one. I do hope it is resolved very soon. Congratulations on your new baby grandchild by the way.

lizyr If you DiL has posted on facebook to all to stay away, then please don't take it personally at this time. She most likely posted when tired and sore and wouldn't normally say such things. I think at least she is being honest and not "putting up" with visitors and then seething when they are gone. That would be worse for the baby.

Is there any food you think she would like? Cheese and crackers, fruit, yoghurts, a bit of chocolate maybe? You could put a small delivery together from a supermarket and send it to them, especially snack food that they can just grab if they are busy.

I relished the time I had in hospital with my children after birth, although I did stay for 12 weeks due to pre-eclampsia with my daughter. My mother visited once in this time but wanted to swamp me once she arrived. I would hate to be in there now though and out in a couple of hours.

"How long do you want to stay after birth Mrs. Brown?"

"Six months? What lie on the bed, have my food cooked and brought to me, my washing miraculously taken away and fresh clothes brought to me, someone to clean up after me and wash up? The bedding changed without me stripping it? I'm staying, it's like I'm a man!"

As a previous poster has said, times have changed.

Both of my now grown up children were very difficult births, they were born by EMCS after complicated labours and I was ill for the first few days afterwards and each time my sons were in SCBU as they had breathing difficulties.
Then, in 1969 and 1972 you were in hospital for 14 days after a C-section so you were more or less getting back onto your feet again when you came home.
After I got home though I was the opposite of OP's DIL.I was still not quite well but no help offered at all.After the first birth my DH had to go back to work as no paternity leave then.Both of our mothers came round just to coo and cuddle the baby for a few minutes then swiftly left.They were under the impression that as I was a nurse I could cope very well, despite the fact that I had almost died giving birth, but they told me that I should be over all that now.I did manage to struggle on on my own, but would have welcomed any help from anyone,even the window cleaner.I had had the long vertical cut and could feel it pulling.
The second time it was the same despite different circumstances.My DH was that time in the Merchant Navy and was still away, not returning until two monyhs later.I also had a toddler to look after.My DS2 screamed almost constantly. My MIL had cared for DS1 while I was in hospital but seemed to think she had now done her duty and could leave now I was home. My mother was working full time so could be excused for not offering help.They both came on the first day, stayed for a bit then started making tracks to leave.I remember bursting into tears and asking if at least one of them stay the night.My MIL reluctantly agreed.To be fair she she then offered to help the next morning by taking DS2 out for an hour which suited me as I did not want him to be away from me. She did come round most days but her visits were always short.After she had cuddled the baby she would leave. I had two good friends who visited and did shopping for me.
I missed DH most of all and was angry and resentful of him that he had not tried to get home earlier.This has had a permanent effect on our relationship although he and I are still together.I think I must have had undiagnosed PND at the time.
Sorry this has been long but everyone's circumstances are different.When my own grandchildren were born I was willing to give any help but waited until asked. Four of my DGC were home from hospital the next day.My DILs were lucky that they seemed to cope very well but the father of all of them (DS2) was around as well.My other DGC was a premature baby and was kept in hospital for 6 weeks.Her mother had had an EMCS but was home after a week.I cared for their older two children while they visited the baby daily.
I hope you are soon visiting regularly. You have a lifetime of your DGC ahead.

People's experiences of then and now vary!
My first was in hospital, food terrible, bossy staff and I went home (thank goodness) after 24 hours, sore, unable to breastfeed but so relieved to get out.
The second was lovely, in an old-fashioned nursing home - at least it was lovely after the cold uncaring midwife who delivered the baby went off duty. The rest of the week brought kind staff, good meals and a room shared with one other new mum.
The third was in hospital and, quite frankly, mixed. Some nice nurses, some just slovenly. A dirty room, baby caught an 'infection from the labour room'! Glad to go home after 5 days.

DIL was thrown out with her first baby after a couple of hours with a long way to go home. Nurses refused to wash or bath baby ('we don't do that!') and no clue how to go about breastfeeding.

Please give your DIL some time and space, I hope it all works out well.

Thirty years ago, after having DS2, I refused to go home after 24 hrs and was allowed to stay until the following day. It does not matter that you have given birth before, if the current birth was traumatic, the mother needs time to recover with professional care.
It is appalling that any mother has to go home on the same day of birth, if she feels unable to cope. It should at least be a choice. I know it is a funding issue. X

Guinness!, Why wasn't I offered Guinness? I agree maggiemaybe the rest in hospital was just what the doctor ordered - I wasn't in a hurry to get home either.

As Elegran says, times have changed so much. I really think we had a much better time of it. Though even when I had my babies, I can remember a lot of the new mums just wanting to go straight home, and being very vocal about it - I couldn't understand this. Feeling tired and wobbly after childbirth, I loved those few days out, the feeling of being looked after, being fed regularly, being told to nap on my stomach with lights out in the ward for half an hour, having people on hand to help if needed. We were shown how to change and bath our babies, how to breastfeed, we had pelvic floor exercise classes first thing each day, we were given Guinness every night(!). Our babies were wheeled out of the ward and into a nursery at bedtime, and brought to us for feeding. We had a good spell of recuperation and a good grounding in motherhood.

Another benefit of being a new mum in the 80s was the free antenatal classes that everyone went to (at least for the first pregnancy). I learnt so much from them - though I'm not sure that the answer to the question "Will it hurt a lot?" should have been "Well, no lady is going to get her baby without a little bit of discomfort". I remembered that a few weeks later.....

DS2 needed my help when both his sons were born, because both births were difficult - the first an emergency CS and the second needed treatment for an infection. His partner's mum was even further away than I was. Laundry, cooking, cleaning and, second time round, child-minding were all essential. I was so pleased to be involved and to have met both infants on Day 1. I am still close to them all, though not geographically. I was also welcomed into the family when the other GC were born. This seemed to have no adverse effect on bonding between parents and babies. Perhaps it depends on the confidence of the parents in their ability to cope, though I'd have thought that the presence of a non-intrusive GP would have been beneficial. When I had my first, I had six days in hospital after which my parents came down to Devon to lend a hand and very welcome they were as I was still very anaemic and had daily iron injections from a syringe that would have made a horse bolt. The in-laws already had three GC and showed no inclination to visit!

^Bonding and adjustment to the new responsibility was done with meals and rest times built in and professionals at hand to answer questions and advise. You might not have agreed with all their advice, but you knew that it was given from a background of hundreds of babies, and you trusted it. Most importantly you had meals brought to you at regular intervals and you were told to lie down for a nap.

By the time you were home and on your own you had the basics sorted out and were fairly confident of handling a newborn. Now new mothers are shipped homein a day or two with a little stranger and only book knowledge to guide them - and the advice in books changes every couple of years.^

This with bells on.

My nan was horrified when she found out i'd been sent home the day i'd given birth. It was an horiffic labour. I was shell shocked when the midwife gave me this baby...then left me!
We had no idea what to do. Bathe her, feed her, we didn't know how many blankets, dummies? Winding..colic? I cant breastfeed!? Why?
We knew nowt. Ontop of that i couldn't walk..it hurt to breath. I was sick from the drugs, stitches, blood! No sleep for 5 days..
That was before we got home.

Then MIL was demanding to see her for hours on end, we had strops off her and how heartbroken we was making her feel.
I ended up with PND.
The sheer stress of everything made me ill. There isn't enough support for new mums from HV and midwives. You kinda expect it off your own family though.

Stand back - bide your time - make supportive noises, but otherwise bite your tongue.

Before making any contact or taking any actions or speaking, ask yourself if what you plan will enhance the long term future relationships or hinder them.

There's a lot of life ahead and making bad decisions now because you feel aggrieved will get you nowhere.

Give them time and give them love - on their on terms. You will reap the rewards.

Try to understand how they might be feeling - your feelings hardly count at the moment I am afraid and you have to accept that.

Beware setting up a future of antagonism.

A second baby is due within the next few weeks. Hope we have all learned what is needed from the first event. Because we are all clearheaded at the moment we are discussing positive things. Who can tell what this next experience will be like. Looking forward to it regardless. Woohoo

When my first child was born it was a week in hospital with a couple of hours visiting in the afternoons and a couple in the evening. If the father or grandparents absolutely could not get to the regular visiting times a point was stretched and they were allowed in for a while, but on the understanding that this was an exceptional privilege.

Bonding and adjustment to the new responsibility was done with meals and rest times built in and professionals at hand to answer questions and advise. You might not have agreed with all their advice, but you knew that it was given from a background of hundreds of babies, and you trusted it. Most importantly you had meals brought to you at regular intervals and you were told to lie down for a nap.

By the time you were home and on your own you had the basics sorted out and were fairly confident of handling a newborn. Now new mothers are shipped homein a day or two with a little stranger and only book knowledge to guide them - and the advice in books changes every couple of years.

I suppose it varies with cultures and expectations. I was invited to meet my new DGD 12 hours after she was born and felt very chuffed privileged . I had been looking after the DGSs overnight and that morning as DD and SIL went into hospital at 2.15 a.m. but SIL came home about 11 to take the boys to meet their baby sister and give me a rest and a few hours to myself. However I would not have dreamt of staying even as much as an hour! Looking forward to going back up with DH and the other grandparents for a "proper" visit to all the family this week but again won't stay too long as I can remember only too well being exhsusted, getting feeding established and frankly the bliss of being alone with my new family. Don't push it- there will be time enough when DD needs a hand or Granny babysitting duties.

I remember my dd's first baby being born and it was very traumatic. No-one knew what to do when they both came home. Being strongly advised to breastfeed only made it worse as the little blighter refused to latch on and i had to tippy toe around the poor parents who were both shell shocked. It took ages for both parents to feel my DH and I were of any help but I didn't press them at all and I just stayed quietly in the background and let them tell me when they needed help.

I feel your experience is due to the trauma of having a new baby both for the parents and the grandparents. New mums usually want to learn in their own way and perhaps because they are so vulnerable any other support could be felt as interference although that may not be the case. Remember when your hormones were all over the place and you felt murderous with most people. Well this moment can also be made so much worse if the new mum only wants a bit of piece and quiet.

I feel for you too because all you want to do is be part of this new family but all in good time. Keep on loving

I'm beginning to feel sorry for your DiL.

Your son and his family are going through a huge upheaval in their lives and could actually do with your support and understanding of this.

To me, that says it all. '"I don't have one" etc. talk about throwing toys out of the pram!
I see or talk to my D every day of the week. That's how close our lives are. But when the children came along I just sat at home waiting to be told when to visit and anything else I could do.

I think it pays for DGs to take their time and play the situation by ear.
for example - many years ago I arrived home with my 5 day old son, we had a puncture on the way home from hospital. PIL were sitting in their car at the gate. It was 6pm.
I was very foolish and tried to show that I could cope. Baby went for a sleep and I cooked dinner for the 4 of us. ex DH did not expect otherwise of me because I 'always coped'.

How I wish so much I had spoken up and told them to give me some space. They visited with us every other night.

This of course is very different from you but please do allow DS and DIL and baby to find their feet, and gently offer to help with anything that would make things easier.
I fully understand the eagerness to hold and cuddle new little DGC, it is probably like an ache in your chest. Your chance will come.
And you will love it.

I remember having visitors a couple of weeks after DD2 was born, they followed me up to the bedroom when I escaped to feed her ( even their teenage children!).

In the end, late at night, DH had to ask them to leave. They never spoke to us again. Thank goodness! I know they were not relatives but you just need some privacy tor a while, at least I know I did.

My eldest daughter came home from the hospital the day she gave birth with her second child. She ended up with post partum preeclampsia and I think the huge amount of visitors made it worse. I wish she had been more assertive and I wish her husband wasn't so welcoming, he even invited neighbours who popped in two weeks after the baby was born to stay for a BBQ.

It has got to the point now where I don`t want to visit or see my grandson. I don`t feel I have one.

Wow.

Very well expressed, elegran.

Think back to when your first child was born Izzy and remember how it felt. yYu were absolutely exhausted and emotionally drained, your hormones were all to pot, you were trying to adjust to a completely new way of life with your baby, you were not sleeping but you had to be permanently on duty to hear him wake, you were worried about how he was feeding, eating, pooing, about whether he was too hot or too cold, about what his cries meant.

If your mother-in-law had then thrown a hissy fit because she was not seeing enough of him, would it have improved your relationship with her, or damaged it for ever? Did a visit from your MiL make you feel you ought to be tidy and organised and give the impression of being on top of everything?

Ask your son if there is anything practical you can do to help. Buy a nice pampering present for your DiL as well as a present for the baby. Praise her for producing him, and for giving your son a son. Say how much joy it gave you see him.

But remember - this is not your baby. It is your son and daughter-in-law's baby.

Jings says "You need to bond with your grandchild as well as the parents." BUT NOT YET. You will get time to bond with him if you hold back for a little. He is not going to go away. For nine months he knew nothing but the inside of his mother's womb. Now he is getting to know her outside the womb, and his father too. You will get your turn, be patient.

lizzyr
'The birth was difficult' -poor girl, she is recovering and may have some problems bonding.

'She is publically castigating relatives'- not just you then. It is the way they communicate these days and 're5urn' is pressed before you know it. She should turn FB off now and concentrate on her baby and recovering.

You are doing her job - some women are back ' in the boardroom' after a couple of days but most are not. Are you resentful about having to take on her workload?

Don't wish to upset you further but I think you need to look at things from her point of view and not yours. Sorry to be blunt but I think you are whingeing unnecessarily.

He's 2 weeks old, he's been here 14 days and you've seen him once.
She has given birth 14 days ago, you say it was difficult
She is still recovering and getting use to being a new mum.

Give it time. It will get better

Oh lizzy, you have to bide your time and bite your lip, I'm afraid. Take the moral high ground now and turn against them and you could spoil your relationship with your son, DIL and little grandchild for good. Just give the new little family time to settle, respect their wishes, try to keep smiling, and I'm sure you'll find that in no time at all you'll be invited round or asked to give a hand. Two weeks is a blink of an eye when you think of all the years ahead of you to enjoy your grandson. Best wishes.