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No visits allowed

(58 Posts)
lizzyr Sat 30-Aug-14 08:26:30

My daughter in law won't allow anyone to visit. The new baby is now 2 weeks old and we only saw him for 1 hour when in hospital. She is very rude and aggressive when a visit is suggested.

J52 Sat 30-Aug-14 08:37:03

So sorry, you must feel devastated. I can only suggest, bide your time. Anything else might inflame her feelings. Her hormones might be all over the place. Perhaps the birth was traumatic. Hang on in there. X flowers

thatbags Sat 30-Aug-14 08:39:30

How did you get along before the baby was born?

Joelsnan Sat 30-Aug-14 08:45:38

Sounds like a touch of PND I remember being the same with my second child...many years ago!

rosequartz Sat 30-Aug-14 09:20:30

Perhaps the house is in a pickle, she can't get breastfeeding or a routine sorted and is generally weepy and disorganised.

What if you suggested doing any shopping she needs, do some cooking to take over? Of course she could take this to mean you think she can't cope so be careful!

Is it their first and does she have any other visitors?

lizzyr Sat 30-Aug-14 09:38:43

It is her first and I understand about the house and all that but I don`t see the need to post offensive posts on facebook, which she has, and to tell everyone to stop harrassing her and to p* off.

lizzyr Sat 30-Aug-14 09:42:26

To be honest we have never had a warm relationship but until now we have been civil. I am concerned for my son and grandson

hildajenniJ Sat 30-Aug-14 10:06:14

Is this the case with everyone. Does she allow her own family to visit, or are the facebook posts meant for everyone. It is not normal behaviour for a new mum to shun everyone, new mum's are usually glad to show off their new baby, and accept help with household tasks. I know I did. Sounds to me like pnd. She will feel guilty that she feels this way. Can you have a private chat with your son, and find out what her feelings are? If this is the case, the sooner she accepts that she needs help, the better.

POGS Sat 30-Aug-14 10:12:31


It does sound as though it is one of two things.

She is either a new mum and not a particularly kind person.

Or she does have Post Natal Depression.

My guess without knowing her is the latter.

What is the take on this from the daddy?

She will be very hormonal and whilst I make no excuse for bad behaviour it can be a nightmare to cope with.

She could be scared of being a new mum and thinks everybody already don't think she will cope.

She might simply be thinking I'm a new mum just give me and the dad time to adjust.

We do do forget childbirth is like having major surgery, not for all but for some. Did she have a rough time giving birth.

Not easy and it is of course easy speak from the sidelines, you are in the middle of it all. I genuinely hope things changed for the better soon.



I come from this as a mum who's DD had PND, it is quite horrible.

glammanana Sat 30-Aug-14 12:24:48

I wouldn't take this as personal when she has requested for "everyone" to leave her alone,but I can understand you wanting to see your grandson just leave her at the moment and don't have her more upset than she is,get in touch with your son and just gently ask is there anything you can do to help even offering to go and do some housework whilst DIL rests with baby for a few hours,don't push it as things said in the heat of the moment can escalate into other problems at a later date do what all good MILs do and keep your thoughts to

Galen Sat 30-Aug-14 12:50:21

I didn't see either of mine until they were a month old. They wanted to have time alone to "bond" seems to be the 'in' thing to dohmm

Aka Sat 30-Aug-14 13:15:06

Wise words Glamma

Perhaps ask your son to call round and pick up a little gift for everyone? Parents often get forgotten so as well as something for baby, how about a little something for Mum and Dad too. My DiL was very touched when after her first, I sent her some of her favourite Liz Earle body cream and my DS enjoyed the Jack Daniels. So much so that I've always send the parents a gift too after each GC.

Maggiemaybe Sat 30-Aug-14 13:38:14

Firstly, congratulations on your new grandchild! As Galen says, it seems to be the thing these days for some new parents to want uninterrupted time in the early days to bond with their baby. Might it be worth raising the question on Mumsnet and seeing what other new mums think of the situation? I hope everything works out for you soon. flowers

rosequartz Sat 30-Aug-14 14:53:18

I remember when DGS was born DD was absolutely overwhelmed with visitors (all SIL's side and friends, as DH and I were the only ones nearby from our side.) She was ill, having had a traumatic birth, exhausted and absolutely at the end of her tether. DH and I wanted to take charge and say 'no more, can you give her some time to get back on her feet, but we didn't like to interfere with SIL there.
Afterwards she said that she wished we had, she just felt overwhelmed with it all.

SIL's sister was more assertive - she simply said no-one except her own mother for the first month (not even her father).

NanKate Sat 30-Aug-14 15:44:38

When our first grandson arrived we went to see him in hospital and then booked into a seaside hotel nearby for a few days so that we could have some R & R before returning home.

The next morning we received an email from our DS with a schedule of what they needed us to do, visiting, helping, cooking meals etc., we only had a few hours to ourselves. hmm

Sorry for the hurt you are experiencing lizzyr. You have to tread very carefully with DinLs IMO.

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 30-Aug-14 15:56:07

It's diabolical! Have you spoken to your son and told him you want to visit? What is his take on it?

You need to bond with your grandchild as well as the parents.

rosequartz Sat 30-Aug-14 16:06:29

I hope you are joking, jingls

DILs and eggshells come to mind. Plenty of time for GPs to bond when DIL is less traumatised and realised she just might need some help.

RedheadedMommy Sat 30-Aug-14 16:06:49

If you've seen him once and he's 2 weeks old, you've only gone 1 week without seeing him.

14 days after giving birth is a very short time. They both probley havn't slept, the house will be a state and your DIL will still be very sore, hormonal, still be bleeding and oozing liquid.

Don't take it personal, it isn't about you or anybody else. Its about her, him and their newborn.

Things will calm down.

rosequartz Sat 30-Aug-14 16:10:45

Ps don't suggest a visit, ask your son to let you know when they are ready to start having visitors and is there anything they need in the meantime.
I hope it is not too long before you see them again.

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 30-Aug-14 16:17:19

Why would I be joking? Why wouldn't the OP talk to her son about it? confused

And dud you read Lizy' s second post?

rosequartz Sat 30-Aug-14 16:29:49

Sorry, have now jings Even more reason to tread carefully I would think. Why is she concerned about them?
It sounds as if she is telling everyone on FB to leave her alone, not just the PILs - just turn it off!!

Can you talk to your son (carefully and gently) Lizy? Perhaps she needs some p&q at the momentand to get into a routine. As I said earlier, SIL's sister refused to see anyone for a month (apart from her mum).
It is only two weeks though, early days yet.

littleflo Sat 30-Aug-14 16:34:52

It sounds to me as though she is feeling very fragile at present. This must be very stressful for you son and he certainly does not need any more pressure. I would back of completely and hope that your quiet support will ring true rather than be misinterpreted as indiference.

The idea the grandparents have "rights" never helps, when a new mum is having to cope with feelings that she probably does not understand herself.

susieb755 Sat 30-Aug-14 20:48:23

Personally I felt like crap when I had my first - and we used to stay in hospital for 10 days, so could get all the visits out the way before we had to cope on our own, with stitches, and a screaming bundle - think about the new mum and not yourself perhaps? sorry to be blunt !

rosequartz Sat 30-Aug-14 20:54:35

I do agree susie.

I could have yelled 'go away' at all the visitors my poor DD had to contend with after DGS 's arrival, but was too polite to do so.
lizzyr I am sure you are quiet, polite and considerate, unlike DD's MIL, but I think you will have to bide your time.

I do hope it all works out well now you have something in common with your DIL - both mums! Congratulations!

RedheadedMommy Sat 30-Aug-14 21:08:27

Agree with Suzie 100%
I'm not a gran, i have 2 DDs.
DD2 is 1.

My MIL had a very entitled attitude towards both my DDs.
She didn't care about us. How tierd we was, how much pain i was in, how over due i was, etc.
She didn't care, aslong as she got what she wanted.

My husband got sick of it.
1 whole year and he's ignored her because of the way she treated him, me and our DDs.

Its been 14 days. Relax. Don't pester, just respect what they want
He is 2 weeks old, the only person he needs is his mom.