granny to be worries

Hello kathryn489. I was 18 when I had my son who is now a strapping 34 year old man with three gorgeous children of his own.

I can imagine how you are feeling at the moment and can only say that your feelings are probably normal. You are disappointed, frightened and sad for your lovely daughter but time changes things and once your darling little grandchild arrives you will see things much differently. My parents were terribly ashamed when I had my son. It was totally out of the blue for them as I didn't have a clue I was pregnant and I am sure they worried more about what people wouuld think rather than how their daughter would cope with a baby. I look back at my life and wonder what it would have been like if I hadn't got pregnant at 18. I certainly wouldn't be sitting here at 53 talking about my three darling grandchildren and my parents (who are now both in ill health) would have no darling great grandchildren, who's antics and visits keep them going from one day to the next.

Do try and look at the positives. Think about the nice things, the future, taking your new grandchild for a walk in the park, buying toys at Christmas and all those lovely things. Try and be a happy,proud grandma to be. Good luck.

kathryn; I've just had a third grandchild and I am of the opinion that when our children have children of their own our hormones go into overdrive. Not having had hormones for a long time I've been surprised at how tearful and mood swingy I was during the pregnancy. It's only a daft theory I've got . As for you daughters age and the fact she isn't married etc it's nothing these days. reminds me of when I told a young friend of mine how upset I was for my children that their dad and I were getting divorced he just laughed and said 'they'll just fit in more with their mates now'. My son and his partner aren't married; young people seem to do things a different way round these days!

It's a theory I agree with Tegan. Something definitely happened to me when DD was pregnant!

It's not just humans [I think]. If I remember right when a bitch comes into season in a situation that is pack like [a kennels etc] the other bitches come into season as well. And, with wolves the inferior females look after the alpha females cubs as if they were their own. I've known mares 'steal' newborn foals from other mares. Funny things, hormones.

Congratulations. Was in the same situation but my daughter was 20.
To cut a long story short, all turned out well. They lived with me for 6 months, along with my 10 year-old son, before they moved on.
Apart from all the obvious benefits that came with a beautiful little girl, it was lovely to come home from a full-time job to find that DD had often cooked for all of us or had done some laundry or cleaning.
Other days she was exhausted by her new baby and appreciated the fact that I was ready to take over for cuddles while she slept!
All in all, it was a happy time with benefits for all of us.
Please stop worrying and start looking forward to what's in store.

That sounds lovely mcem! See Kathryn - it will be fine.

Tegan and Jingl
Is this what you're thinking of? Menstrual synchrony

From what you say about teaching your daughter about contraception, I assume when you say you are "ashamed" you don't mean you are ashamed your daughter is pregnant outside of marriage but that you believe she has been irresponsible in becoming pregnant in her current situation.

I think it is perfectly normal for you to be anxious and upset, given that your daughter is quite young to have a baby and neither she nor her partner are financially stable. But it is nothing for you, or her, to feel "ashamed" about - she hasn't committed a crime and neither have you. These things happen - it's not the end of the world.

As other Gransnetters have commented, this isn't a terribly uncommon situation and, although it is a challenging time for you, I hope the birth of the new baby will ultimately bring great happiness to you all.

When DS was in this position, I must admit I was worried about what my Aunt, surrogate granny to my boys, would think.
When told she said ' wonderful I'll be a great, great Auntie!' The concern seems silly now, looking back.
It was lovely for her to have the little one to knit and fuss for. She passed away before any of her great grandchildren came along. x

I think I could understand the feeling of shame,the residual feelings from a previous generation but for me the thought of sharing a house with a new baby would horrify me . It was hard enough looking back I don't know how I did it when I had DD 1 's children because she worked full time for an American company that only gave three weeks holidays a year. They do take over the house and it good to see the positive posts for OP . I just have sympathy flowers and gin.

Probably a bit anxious, and some grief for what might have been, rather than shame. I can't add anything to the great advice already given.
Take care of yourself and I hope you find peace of mind with this.

You will love your little grandchild, it's great.
Forget what other people might think..... because it doesn't matter. And nowadays it is just how things are.

Yes, your daughter is only 18.
My brother and his wfe got married at 18 and 19, had their first child one year later. The family wondered how on earth they (thought of as children) would cope. They did great. Got a Council flat - Never worried about housework and played scrabble to see who would make dinner.
Eldest child, a daughter, now has her Master's and is a senior corrosion engineer for one of the big oil companies.

Just take care not to find yourself doing all the washing and chores - these habits are easy started and hard to bring to an end.

Thank you all, I was talking to my daughters midwife about support groups with other teenage mums and realised I wanted a granny one! I am very pleased to have found you all, your comments and thoughts have helped me more than I can explain. I use the word ashamed because I have always been so proud of my accomplishments as a mother, straight A student with perfect behaviours and we are so close - have I been a bit smug over the years about my perfect by the book teen - have I patted myself on the back for a job well done - absolutley and I am still proud and we are still close and I will of course love my new little grand baby. I think I am ashamed of myself for feeling sad and unsettled I had an expectation that because we have a good support plan and we will carry on and enjoy life and its all going to be ok and then I cry and panic and worry and fret at night and I think maybe I am still in shock, have an apt with gp in the morning thank you again x

I was rather taken aback when DD told me she was pregnant after 10 years of marriage with babies not being mentioned. Admittedly for most of the 10 years it wouldn't really have been possible, but it was still a shock. Eight years on I would be lost without GS1, 2, and 3.

Sons and daughters grow up and will do things their own way, whether we like it or not. Of course, that doesn't mean that they don't need and want our support, help, respect and, most of all, love. I married at 28 and was 32 when my first and only child was born. I later divorced her father and married for the second time later still.

Absentdaughter, on the other hand, went to live on the other side of the world at 17, married at 17, had her first child at 19 and divorced her husband soon after. She had three more children with her new love and they eventually married six years ago. Since then she has had had one more son and is currently expecting her sixth child – at the age of 32 – in a couple of months. In between times she is studying for a degree in psychology.

While I never attempted to plan her life, I suppose I vaguely envisaged her future but any scenario I imagined would never have matched the reality. The reality is so much better.

My DD chose not to have children and DS and DIL were in their mid 30s before they had a child. I am lucky that I have two GC but at one point it looked as if it may not happen. However they arrive they are a blessing.

Sorry to hark back to my mum, but she was ashamed when I had no 5, in marriage!

Even though I had my second child just before my 19th birthday, I think I would still be upset if one of my children had done the same - life seems so different viewed from the age I am now! My partner and I lived with my parents until our Firstborn was about 10 months. My sister had to move out of the bedroom I had shared with her and downstairs so we could fit my partner into the house!
When we moved away to buy a house in a cheaper part of the country, my mum was really sad about that - she always had a very big soft spot for her oldest grandaughter, even though she wasn't particularly happy that I produced her just before I was 17. She did say that if I was going to have a baby then it was up to me to look after it and she wasn't going to do that, which I think is fair enough.

It's great that you are supporting your daughter and she is living with you. Sharing with my mum and dad and sister was a bit fraught at times but it was handy having other people around to help me out, as I was fairly useless!! But I did try and so did my partner, who was a brilliant nappy-changer. And EVERYONE fell in love with the baby when she arrived. I expect you will too.

Oh, and my daughter waited til she was over 30 and married for 6 years before having her own twins. I went on to have a total of five children, producing the last two while I was doing my phd - so your daughter can always go to university when the kids start school if she really wants to study...

Just checking back in.... a year later I have a gorgeous little grandson Charlie who is the apple of my eye! My daughter and boyfriend are now moving out next month after saving for their deposit for a year. I am a super proud mum of a wonderful young lady and super mum x

I wasn't on gnet when you posted previously but it's still nice to hear a happy ending! Sounds like your daughter and her boyfriend have stepped to all their responsibilities in a very mature way. You should feel proud of both your daughter and yourself, I'm sure your support and encouragement to her mean more than words can express. Wishing them many happy times in the future, bet you'll really miss them all when they move! Then again...

I've just read the whole thread - lovely to see the news Kathryn. I'm glad you're all doing well.
I had my daughter when I was 19 & she had her son when she was 20.
We both completed degrees with small children & she got married earlier this year.
She is a fantastic Mum & I might even dare to say I wasn't too bad as a Mum & I love being a Grandma.
I hope your daughter & her family enjoy their new home & life.

Thank you for the update kathryn489 - what a lovely happy ending - enjoy every moment ❤️

I was in your shoes 20 years ago. My daughter was just 16. I recognise the feelings you describe. I felt ashamed and I was ashamed of feeling that way. I felt a failure. I too had thought I'd given her all the advice she needed. I was sick with worry about her future. I cried every night. So yes all your feelings are normal. If I had any advice it would be there's nothing you can do about what's happened, the horse has bolted so to speak so you have to ride this storm as best you can. All is not lost you'll get a wonderful grandchild who'll you love and cherish. Keep calm and don't overreact. Your handling things well, much better than I did. It'll be ok .......honest

Congratulations kathryn489 So pleased to hear everything has gone well. I think we all have dreams and aspirations for our children and when they do something we feel is going to harm those dreams we are understandably upset. But when they overcome the obstacles and show how strong they are we feel so proud and happy. All the best to you and your family.

kathryn489, thanks so much for coming back with your very positive and happy update. Family life is a challenge and a joy isn't it.
It's so good to read that your daughter and her partner have worked to hard and are setting up home together. they are so lucky to have supportive family around them. I'm sure Charlie is the apple of your eye. My grannie always said not to worry, babies bring their own love with them. I would add to that, they bring it by the bucket load. Congratulations.