Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

granny to be worries

(49 Posts)
kathryn489 Wed 25-Feb-15 06:48:26

My teenage daughter (18) is having a baby, her partner is supportive but working part time at the moment and neither are ready to move out of parents homes. My daughter and baby will live at home with us with open visits from dad until they have saved enough money (2-3 years) and are in a better place (we just don't have the room to take him in too). This all sounds very practical and supportive of us and we are, my daughter is thriving and she has us on hand when baby arrives. I just feel so sad and ashamed that this has happened, I thought I did everything right took her to gp for the pill bought condoms, open and honest communications about sex and family planning. I just want to say 'stop this nonsense' its not allowed but its unstoppable and live is going to change. I feel very emotional at night and struggle to sleep. I am opening a door here to see if these feelings are normal or am I being unreasonable? Its important to note I am maintaining a positive outlook with my daughter its when I am away from her I am full of fear of what the future will hold for us all - any helpful advise would be greatly appreciated smile

thatbags Wed 25-Feb-15 07:07:17

Your feelings are natural. If I felt as you do I'd go to my GP and ask to be referred for some psychological help so that I could learn to view things more positively.

When is the baby due?

kittylester Wed 25-Feb-15 07:19:48

I agree with bags. Your feelings are entirely natural but lots of people find themselves in your situation. I speak as the mother of two daughters who did things ' the wrong way round' although they were in settled relationships at the time.

Another thing that will probably be feeding into your feelings is the fact that you about to become a grandmother - I know that horrified me and made me feel really 'past it'. That all changed when DGS1 was born.

Welcome to GN, Kathryn, if you are new and do join in on other threads too! sunshine

Leticia Wed 25-Feb-15 07:34:19

I can't be any help but I think that your feelings are entirely normal. It will throw your life upside down and it is a sort of grieving for the loss of the life as you expected it.
I suspect that once you get to it it won't be as bad as you imagine it. As my mother says- life throws things at you and you just have to cope the best you can.
Hopefully someone will come along with helpful advice.

Grannyknot Wed 25-Feb-15 07:34:31

Hi Kathryn I also think that your feelings are understandable. Your young daughter is having a baby. The circumstances are far from ideal. You and your family are doing all the right things.

If I can offer anything in consolation - my daughter is 36 and got married last year. Her overwhelming desire for a baby comes and goes (it's higher on her agenda than on her lovely new husband's). All I can do is stand by and listen when she says "Sometimes I just wish I had a surprise baby at 18 and we all muddled through" (or variations on that theme).

My son got married a few years ago. His wife fell pregnant very quickly - but they were living apart! (due to his work and her new job). When they eventually moved in together she was 8 months pregnant, everything was upside down and not as planned, tempers were frayed and it was all a bit "Oh dear". One year on we all adore the baby and everything has settled down.

So what I am saying is - life's not perfect. Enjoy this wonderful time with your daughter, her feelings must also be all over the place. Don't feel ashamed, you've done nothing "wrong". It's life.

I read somewhere recently "If we could see the future, we wouldn't get out of bed". smile. I'll stop now flowers for you.

kittylester Wed 25-Feb-15 07:47:35

Good post Grannyknot! We are back to that 'Life is what happens while you are bury making other plans', aren't we!

GrannyTwice Wed 25-Feb-15 07:50:59

Apart from the word 'ashamed' I think all your feelings are very understandable. Of course you feel sad and worried - that's better than just seeing everything through rose coloured spectacles - there will be lots of problems. Of course there's joy with the new baby but it's going to be hard as well all living together and sorting out how to do that in the best possible way. Your daughter is lucky to have you and that she is able to live with you with the baby. Just make sure you look after yourselves as well over the next 2-3 years and start thinking about the ground rules such as housework, cooking, childcare, finances.

Grannyknot Wed 25-Feb-15 08:01:11

Yep, kitty smile. I watched Ruth Jones' "Stella" series 1 - very therapeutic smile too.

janeainsworth Wed 25-Feb-15 08:02:56

Yes, I agree with Grannytwice.
Your feelings and apprehensions entirely normal - but the word 'ashamed' leaped out and made me wince.
Don't let your daughter feel your shame.
I could have been her.
I hope all goes well and your DD and her partner are able to enjoy their child and build their lives together.

J52 Wed 25-Feb-15 08:14:50

Your feelings are very understandable, but try to imagine several years down the line when your much loved, beautiful grandchild is reaching different milestones, going for their first day at school, making you a birthday cards etc.As many past grannies have said : 'it will all come out in the wash!'

These things happen, there is no shame. Although our DS was a few years older, it happened to him. They are a lovely little family just getting on with their lives and loved by all.

You sound like you're a wonderful mum and will be a great grannies. flowers x

J52 Wed 25-Feb-15 08:16:12

Sorry 'granny' I pad has its own mind! x

kathryn489 Wed 25-Feb-15 08:51:37

Thank you for all taking your time to reply for me smile very kind. Baby is due in the beginning of June this year, all very 'impending' now and guess my feeling have caught up with the situation while I have been 'dealing' with practicalities. I think I will see my GP for a nudge in the right direction, just to make sure I don't transfer any feeling to her that won't help. Becoming a granny is a little scary in terms of boundarys, my daughter needs me very much I need to remember to let her be the mum when baby comes and not leap in (I do work full time so even if I am an old nag bag in the evenings she has all day to get on) ;) thank you all

Riverwalk Wed 25-Feb-15 08:55:29

Obviously your thoughts and emotions are all over the place right now, but things will eventually settle down. smile

Your daughter is very young but there are lots of successful young mothers, and grans! It might not be what you planned or expected but am sure all will be well.

Try not to ruminate and over-think during the night - if I find myself doing this I make a conscious effort to desist - then in the morning the problem doesn't seem so bad!

annsixty Wed 25-Feb-15 08:55:34

I would be upset and disappointed by what has happened but never ashamed. It has happened now as it has to countless thousands before so look forward and support them all.When that baby arrives all your previous worries will melt away.

Mishap Wed 25-Feb-15 08:58:18

Don't be ashamed - you have done nothing wrong and she has just been "doing a-what comes naturally"!

Rejoice in the coming baby and the fact that you will have such a close contact with this new little one - many would be deeply envious!

One of mine did it all the "wrong" way round while she was a student, but is now married and a mother of three. It will all come right.

ninathenana Wed 25-Feb-15 09:23:33

Ashamed is a word used in the 50s 60s for such a pregnancy. These days nobody gives a second thought. As has been said you have nothing to be ashamed of.
My friend's DD was with her DP for 8 yrs and had 2 children before marrying DP last year. He mum was disappointed by the sequence of events but that's life.

Ariadne Wed 25-Feb-15 09:36:31

I was that daughter - 50 years ago, and I was packed off pretty quickly, I can tell you. Shame indeed! But then my mother met the baby, absolutely adored her, and that was that.

Said baby is 50 this year, and the most wonderful woman; our marriage too is 50 this year - just a month or two younger than our daughter.

I am so, so glad that times have changed. You too will love your DGC, Kathryn, but I do understand how hard it must be to have all your hopes and expectations thrown up in the air, and to come to terms with how life has changed. I think you will be a lovely grandmother - you are obviously self aware and sensitive. Just try not to overthink things. "There is nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so."


annodomini Wed 25-Feb-15 09:42:57

There's no shame attached to your grandchild. Is it, perhaps, more of a social embarrassment? Any residual feelings of 'shame' will disappear when you have your first cuddle and fall in love with that little bundle. I promise you. One of my sons and his partner have made the decision not to marry; they now have two lovely sons (who would like them to marry so that they could have a big party!).Nobody turns a hair at this situation nowadays. My first GD was born when my DS1 was 19 (and still living at home) and she is now 23 - one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Teetime Wed 25-Feb-15 09:53:04

Kathryn its very odd isn't it. Onc we are told we are to be a grannie we are supposed to jump for joy. I didn't- I cried all night. I felt my daughter had put an end to the career life she could have enjoyed She was 29 and in a settled relationship at the time and they got married a year later but needed financial help from us to get a house. MY GS is lovely but when I hear my daughter complain about being 'sooo busy'' and having no 'me time' I could scream that she didn't actually have to have a baby she planned it as she didn't want to be too old before becoming a mother.

I'm sorry you are feeling unsettled I'm sure it will sort itself out and of course babies are lovely and you will love it instantly.

My eler daughters 2 oldest children are getting married next year and she is badgering them to make her a grandmother - that would make me a great gran at 63 - Gee thanks!!! smile

jinglbellsfrocks Wed 25-Feb-15 09:56:51

Why am I sitting here feeling just slightly envious of you? It must be such an exciting time. Please enjoy it with her and her partner. Don't waste time on such out-dated stuff as shame. Take it all as it comes, it will be lovely. You all have a great future ahead of you. Congratulations. smile

kittylester Wed 25-Feb-15 10:03:18

I had just come back to say the embarrassment is probably more what Kathryn is feeling and I can understand that as it is not an ideal situation but, as everyone has said, it will all be ok.

DD3 married the father of her (planned) child while she was pregnant with her (planned) 2nd child. As other grans on here will know from my numerous posts, the children are gorgeous but we could do without their flipping father, so nothing goes according to plan. flowers

Leticia Wed 25-Feb-15 10:35:05

I assumed that the 'ashamed' bit came from the fact that these days 18yrs is too young to have a baby-when you have your whole life in front of you and you need qualifications and money first-and from the simple fact that you can plan children these days and she had all the information.
She and the father have taken a step that they couldn't manage without family support -and the families have been thrown into it-had their lives changed without being asked first. I am looking forward to grandchildren, but not living with me for the first few years and having to do a lot of babysitting while the daughter gets qualifications.
I didn't think it had anything to do with 'born out of wedlock' bit.

Leticia Wed 25-Feb-15 10:38:25

It must be hard to have just seen freedom on the horizon, with time for you, as your child becomes an adult and suddenly it is taken away and you start all over again with napppies, sleepless nights and not being able to be spontaneous.
Being a granny in your own home, when you hand them back after a day or a short visit is quite different!

KatyK Wed 25-Feb-15 10:45:08

Easy to say but try not to worry. When my daughter told me she was pregnant (although she was 29, with a long term partner, but unmarried) I had mixed feelings. I was 50 at the time and the thought of being a grandmother filled me with horror. The moment I saw my granddaughter I was smitten. She is almost 15 now and wonderful. They are now married and own their own home, it all worked out. I had my own daughter at 20, although I was married. A couple of years ago a friend rang me in tears saying that her unmarried daughter was pregnant and she was mortified as they came from a staunch Catholic family and my friend was panic stricken at what the relatives might think. I was quite surprised that she worried like this in this day and age but she was so upset. My friend was not sleeping, crying all the time and in a real state over it. After the child was born, no one batted an eyelid. The child is much loved and the parents are still together. The little girl is the apple of my friend's eye.

harrigran Wed 25-Feb-15 10:53:25

Your DD has decided to go ahead with the pregnancy so she is in it for the long haul, it is a shame that the GP doesn't get the option, that is thrust upon her. We all love our GC and it will work out but at the minute you are probably shell shocked. flowers