Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

Someone tell me not to speak my mind..

(56 Posts)
Anya Sun 01-Mar-15 18:41:05

I've had it up to here with my DiL. She seems to feel that I 'do too much' for my DD and her family and always making snide remarks about them. My son earns a very good wage and DiL only works 3 mornings a week, whereas my DD is a full time secondary teacher, and her husband works shifts. So I often have to drop her boys at school and pick them up.

I'd like to think that perhaps she had my best interests at heart, but I'm feeling more and more that she is jealous of the amount of time I give to my daughters children. But I do drop her oldest at school, have them overnight if need be and childmind her youngest once a week. I'm even beginning to wonder if she is suffering from some mental health problem.

But what is really getting to me is the poison she is feeding my DS. He is now beginning to sound like her.

Yet every so often she'll text me and say 'love you xxx'. I'm totally comfused. But there has been an incident again this weekend and when my DS drops his daughter off for me to childmind tomorrow I'm on the verge of telling him exactly how I feel and to hell with the consequences.

Someone please tell me to calm down and keep schtum. .

Ana Sun 01-Mar-15 18:46:28

Oh dear, it does sound as though she's jealous, Anya, but please do keep schtum, at least for the time being. As you suggest, there may indeed be other problems at the root of this.

Do (or can) her own parents help out at all?

Grannyknot Sun 01-Mar-15 18:47:08

Don't do it! You'll have slept on it anyway. My DIL' s mum does a lot more fir her than I do, it's just the way it is. Plus you have practical reasons why you do more for your daughter. I'd respond to individual remarks but don't react. You'll regret it.

Grannyknot Sun 01-Mar-15 18:47:44

For not fir.

Anya Sun 01-Mar-15 18:52:34

No her parents live a long way Ana and her mother is a terrible woman. I'm hoping she's not turning into her sad

annsixty Sun 01-Mar-15 18:59:27

Please don't do it,you will regret and it isn't worth fractured family relationships.

Marelli Sun 01-Mar-15 19:02:47

No, don't do it, Anya. Let it go.

Anya Sun 01-Mar-15 19:06:34

I know logically I shouldn't put it can't go on like this. I'm even considering that it might be best to have them (and my 2 GDs) out of my life, that's how bad it's getting.

Mishap Sun 01-Mar-15 19:07:35

I really do think that the rule in dealing with one's children's partners is to stand back, keep a sense of humour and bite the tongue. This lass clearly has a problem - the fact that she is even saying these things is evidence of that. I think the best thing to do is to stay calm, and when you are wound up by her to make a rule that you will sleep on it, or take time to consider, before acting or speaking.

If your son says anything openly to you, then I think you need to be very calm in your response - say that you are happy to help and that if there are problems with what you are doing you need to know and are willing to discuss this.

Don't let it get under your skin - that way lies chaos and the danger of lots of problems in the future.

There are times when I do not agree with what my SILs do or say, but I never speak out - the risks are too high.

You need to be the mature person here and look at the bigger picture.

amarmai Sun 01-Mar-15 19:09:16

reading'cut out of their lives' has made me try to not say what i want to say as the results can be so extreme. So do not say anything that could lead to such a result.

Mishap Sun 01-Mar-15 19:09:55

It is clearly not up to her to express an opinion about how you lead your life or what you do for your DD; but I do think that you need to se that as her problem and keep a cool head.

Good luck!

Mishap Sun 01-Mar-15 19:10:30

I am telling you not to speak your mind!

Anya Sun 01-Mar-15 19:17:08

This is very good advice.

Anya Sun 01-Mar-15 19:32:02

But then nothing will change and judging by the last few months things could get even worse. It seems as if things are festering away in her mind. I don't want her to be like this, I'd like her to understand that if the need arose I'd do the same for her and DS.

I've tried and tried to tell her this, but it doesn't seem to go in. That's why I'm thinking mental health problem.

Leticia Sun 01-Mar-15 19:40:28

Whatever it is don't speak your mind. Just ignore and carry on as usual.

Faye Sun 01-Mar-15 19:42:35

I would try in a nice way, but that's me and you are helping them out too.

I know a few people with Personality Disorders or some such thing, you can't tell them anything. They are a law unto themselves. sad

Ana Sun 01-Mar-15 19:45:56

And the trouble is that if you try to have a quiet word with your DS, it will get back to DIL and probably misinterpreted...sad

Tegan Sun 01-Mar-15 19:53:49

Keep Calm and Carry On. Let rip on here. Trust me, it works. Sibling jealousy/rivalry never goes away I've found, just expands when you get in laws.

Eloethan Sun 01-Mar-15 19:57:32

I'd be really annoyed too Anya. It's natural that you would give more help to the family that needs it more - and anyway you help your son and daughter-in-law too.

I don't think it's a good idea to have a go at your son about it - it may well turn into a full blown row and we all know how such things can lead to heartache.

If she or your son make any further remarks on the subject, perhaps you could say something like "It's kind of you to be concerned but don't worry, I'm quite OK. I like to help both of you but if it ever becomes too much for me, I'll let you and [you daughter] know." In that way you're reminding them that you help her/your son out too.

I hope it's helped to air your feelings on Gransnet. If you're still angry, it is said that putting all those angry feelings down on paper can help to neutralise them.

loopylou Sun 01-Mar-15 19:58:44

MIL was the queen of snide remarks, she had it down to a fine art. I would be sugary sweet when she got on my nerves, which she found very difficult to deal with and she'd back off for a while.
Very hard to keep schtum, I know Anya particularly if she's not receptive to your previous attempts and appears to be trying to get your DS onside.
Good luck x

Coolgran65 Sun 01-Mar-15 21:39:02

My friend and I always and zip it !!
Oh, it is so hard. I could say so much.
Anya once something's said it can't be undone.
You know this.

Good advice above. Deal with each comment as it happens. Then leave it.

You sound like a woman on the edge..... try and get back from the edge.
And I'll try to follow my own advice.

Anya Sun 01-Mar-15 22:46:16

Thank you all.

Yes, I did feel on the edge because Sunday is my one day when I have the time to unwind, and this has only wound me up further. But I'm going to take the advice given and not make the situation worse.

My DiL never criticises me, it's my DD and SiL she has in her sights, though she is sweetness and light to their face. I have been deflecting her remarks, but I will be firmer with her in future and probably say something along the lines suggested by Eloethan

The incident that is still ongoing from the weekend I will deal with diplomatically when my DS drops GD2 off in the morning, but I will stand quietly firm on my decision which caused the incident in the first place.

Quiet, diplomatic and calm. That's the way forward.


Coolgran65 Mon 02-Mar-15 01:41:05

Anya flowers

Faye Mon 02-Mar-15 03:41:08

I liked what Eloethan suggested too. Very diplomatic.

Good luck Anya.

Agus Mon 02-Mar-15 06:57:50

I hope all goes well for you this morning Anya flowers

Please take the good advice to be diplomatic. It's too early in the morning and being upset at whatever happened at the weekend is not the time to discuss the situation.