Someone tell me not to speak my mind..

Oops, you posted while I was fiddling about with the keyboard. ☺

Often the best thing is to act as if nothing unpleasant has been said and to carry straight on.
If your DiL and DS are increasing the number and unpleasantness of comments, tho, maybe it's something that needs to be brought into the open, but not when you or they are angry.
Good idea to follow Eloethan's suggestion and be diplomatic to get your message across.
Best of luck.

Round one, with DS, went well. We had a frank and open discussion about the specific issue which arose this weekend but I stuck to my guns. When the subject of how much I do for his sister and her family came up, I changed the subject the first time, but DS brought it up a second time so I used Eloethan's suggestion which effectively stopped him in his tracks.

Now doubtless I'll have a re-run with DiL, who is much less reasonable, she picks GD2 up later today. Unless I avoid her by not being there when she arrives, and leave DH to deal with her. It's getting that I avoid her as much as possible as she is always on about this.

I think you need to follow the advice above and keep a lid on it. I have every sympathy for you. We only have one grandson and dote on him, and until fairly recently, my DS was (until recently) very disparaging in his comments about the amount of time we devoted to looking after him (which is not a lot in the great scheme of things - we just like spending time with him!). I have never taken him to task about it even though I have often felt like slapping him down. DS has no children of his own and therein lies the issue, but there is no point in pouring salt on a running sore.

Yes good luck Anya. I also have a very difficult DIL and because my son has been very ill with cancer (recovering now) I have had to be the soul of diplomacy and keeping it zipped for my son's sake.

I have felt quite ill at times with bottling it up.

In my experience, things ebb and flow and it could be that your DS and DIL will need more help at a later date and your DD will need less. You could gently point that out too.

The advice on here is good but it will be difficult for you - good luck.

I hope all goes well for you this morning Anya

Please take the good advice to be diplomatic. It's too early in the morning and being upset at whatever happened at the weekend is not the time to discuss the situation.

I liked what Eloethan suggested too. Very diplomatic.

Good luck Anya.

Anya

Thank you all.

Yes, I did feel on the edge because Sunday is my one day when I have the time to unwind, and this has only wound me up further. But I'm going to take the advice given and not make the situation worse.

My DiL never criticises me, it's my DD and SiL she has in her sights, though she is sweetness and light to their face. I have been deflecting her remarks, but I will be firmer with her in future and probably say something along the lines suggested by Eloethan

The incident that is still ongoing from the weekend I will deal with diplomatically when my DS drops GD2 off in the morning, but I will stand quietly firm on my decision which caused the incident in the first place.

Quiet, diplomatic and calm. That's the way forward.

My friend and I always say.....smile and zip it !!
Oh, it is so hard. I could say so much.
Anya once something's said it can't be undone.
You know this.

Good advice above. Deal with each comment as it happens. Then leave it.

You sound like a woman on the edge..... try and get back from the edge.
And I'll try to follow my own advice.

MIL was the queen of snide remarks, she had it down to a fine art. I would be sugary sweet when she got on my nerves, which she found very difficult to deal with and she'd back off for a while.
Very hard to keep schtum, I know Anya particularly if she's not receptive to your previous attempts and appears to be trying to get your DS onside.
Good luck x

I'd be really annoyed too Anya. It's natural that you would give more help to the family that needs it more - and anyway you help your son and daughter-in-law too.

I don't think it's a good idea to have a go at your son about it - it may well turn into a full blown row and we all know how such things can lead to heartache.

If she or your son make any further remarks on the subject, perhaps you could say something like "It's kind of you to be concerned but don't worry, I'm quite OK. I like to help both of you but if it ever becomes too much for me, I'll let you and [you daughter] know." In that way you're reminding them that you help her/your son out too.

I hope it's helped to air your feelings on Gransnet. If you're still angry, it is said that putting all those angry feelings down on paper can help to neutralise them.

Keep Calm and Carry On. Let rip on here. Trust me, it works. Sibling jealousy/rivalry never goes away I've found, just expands when you get in laws.

And the trouble is that if you try to have a quiet word with your DS, it will get back to DIL and probably misinterpreted...

I would try in a nice way, but that's me and you are helping them out too.

I know a few people with Personality Disorders or some such thing, you can't tell them anything. They are a law unto themselves.

Whatever it is don't speak your mind. Just ignore and carry on as usual.

But then nothing will change and judging by the last few months things could get even worse. It seems as if things are festering away in her mind. I don't want her to be like this, I'd like her to understand that if the need arose I'd do the same for her and DS.

I've tried and tried to tell her this, but it doesn't seem to go in. That's why I'm thinking mental health problem.

This is very good advice.

I am telling you not to speak your mind!

It is clearly not up to her to express an opinion about how you lead your life or what you do for your DD; but I do think that you need to se that as her problem and keep a cool head.

Good luck!

reading'cut out of their lives' has made me try to not say what i want to say as the results can be so extreme. So do not say anything that could lead to such a result.

I really do think that the rule in dealing with one's children's partners is to stand back, keep a sense of humour and bite the tongue. This lass clearly has a problem - the fact that she is even saying these things is evidence of that. I think the best thing to do is to stay calm, and when you are wound up by her to make a rule that you will sleep on it, or take time to consider, before acting or speaking.

If your son says anything openly to you, then I think you need to be very calm in your response - say that you are happy to help and that if there are problems with what you are doing you need to know and are willing to discuss this.

Don't let it get under your skin - that way lies chaos and the danger of lots of problems in the future.

There are times when I do not agree with what my SILs do or say, but I never speak out - the risks are too high.

You need to be the mature person here and look at the bigger picture.

I know logically I shouldn't put it can't go on like this. I'm even considering that it might be best to have them (and my 2 GDs) out of my life, that's how bad it's getting.

No, don't do it, Anya. Let it go.