Not sure how to feel

I wouldn't call your husband talking to his daughter disloyalty to you. His relationship with his daughter is independent of yours.

Besides, he's still speaking to you (and living with you?) so he is being loyal. He's being loyal to both you and your daughter because you are both important to him.

If your DD has been unsharing since she was a toddler, despite your best efforts, I think you might have got used to it by now and work round it.

I hope you can get back to a civilised relationship. Good luck.

You also have the think of your husband's high blood pressure.

Your daughter is difficult, the one thing I would do is not give her any more money...ever.

Your last comment is pure nasty, so please retract. Elegran

My experience of a husband is that they want an easy life.

Wife bears the kids, looks after them, he goes to the golf course/ whatever, he might be supportive or not, might get involved with someone else/or not.

Men have a selfish gene, and that perhaps has to do with procreation, we mere women are just carriers .

Elegran doesn't need to retract what she's said because she was giving, good, sensible advice; she has never, ever on this forum said anything that could be interpreted as 'pure nasty'.

I find it hard to understand the generalisation of your last sentence Jollyg. Selfishness is not the prerogative of men. My experience is actually the opposite.

Elegran has offered her usual wise counsel. Nothing to retract in what she said.

I said that if she does not put the episode completely behind her she will not return to the relationship as it was.

I don't see how that is nasty - it is the unvarnished truth, and I am sure the OP recognises that. How can the relationship be the same if she doesn't ever trust her daughter again, and holds what she said in anger against her for ever?

I also said that the whole blame cannot be put on her daughter (if her mother does not try to make peace with her). It takes two to make a quarrel. That is not being nasty, it is another truth. Uncomfortable, but true nonetheless.

The OP is not saying that it was nasty. Perhaps jollyg you should wait for her response before throwing accusations around.

Your views on men are pretty sweeping. My experience has been that there is the same mix of personalities in men as there is in women - some nice, some not, most of them average.

I think the OP has gone now.

So we can stop arguing. Good.

Sometimes you just need to get things off your chest, and write it all down, don't you.

One of my sisters was dire before and after the birth of her children, it took maybe a year or two before her hormones settled down. She was always a bit selfish and it was really apparent during those years of pregnancy - she was horrible!

Just to add that I do not think that what Elegran posted was in any way nasty, it was just sound common sense (as usual).

Parcs has to decide the best way forward now, whether or not to put it all behind her, forgive and forget and start afresh or to keep it simmering on the back burner.

In the words of Shakespeare's Richard II:

"This we prescribe, though no physician;
Deep malice makes too deep incision;
Forget, forgive; conclude and be agreed;
Our doctors say this is no month to bleed."

roses "I think the OP has gone now."

So why am I not surprised?

To quote someone that I can never remember "it's like deja vu all over again"

I found the confusion between male or female grandchild strange too.

I think it was just a typo, it was only the once. No big mystery.

OK.

But yet again tempers have been inflamed. Why is this? What on earth warranted jollyg's outburst?
Are there some short fuses around these days?
I too wondered about OP but came to the conclusion she just needed to offload. Hope this has worked for her!

Good advice from Tresco and Ana. Calm and breathe deeply. He(your DH) loves you and is doing his best to make it right for all of you, particularly you Help him to do this. Adds a completely new dimension to the situation. We are "woman - we can do everything"

Seems I've misjudged the posts here - was just trying to be supportive as it is so easy to be sidelined - I speak from life experience here. Sometimes it takes a different voice to make one hear.

Jomarie I'm sure you were offering good, supportive advice. Unfortunately there are the odd occasions where it doesn't get received in the same way that it was meant.

I'm uncertain about how much one can control what one feels and if it is possible to decide what to feel. Of course, it's possible to control how one behaves regardless of inner feelings. It is also possible for feelings to change with time, with circumstances and even by looking at the situation provoking the feelings from a different perspective.

I don't suppose such musings are any help to anyone.

My mother always said "You may not be able to control how you feel but you can control how you behave, and how you behave affects how you feel".

Parcs, I so understand how you feel. When my DH passed away suddenly from cancer, two of my sons took all their grief out on me.

They really went for me verbally - I was cold, useless at coping it just went on and on. Then 7 months later my Dil lost her mum also to cancer. She also went for me big time. I could never replace her mum and shouldn't even try because compared to her I was useless.

I bore it all with as much understanding as I could manage but I spent a lot of time shaking with shock, and crying - not in their presence.

Things are much better now but I still feel bruised and battered by it all. I think this generation of young or youngish people in my case who think they can do and say what they like. When there are grandchildren involved you have to extra careful not to lose contact with them.

parcs I also understand where you are coming from, sometimes our emotions just get the better of us no matter how much we rationalise the situation.

I have been watching this thread with interest because I have also been feeling very neglected by daughter this week. Very briefly sil does not want to spend any time with us but spends a lot of time with his family and involves his own mum in outing with gd etc. This week has been gd birthday and we have not been invited to any of her many celebrations. They have had a week off and we have had a brief half hour visit plus a trip to bike shop to buy gd a new bike for her birthday. That in itself is not a problem what really bugs me is that if I phone or text(and this is not very often) I only get a reply when she is ready, could be two hours could be two days. What I suspect is that because sil does not want contact she replies when he is not around. We have been welcoming to sil and have gone out of our way to help them when needed but it makes no difference, I am really not sure what his problem is and have given up trying to understand him. I just worry that daughter is being manipulated by him. I was ready to explode and have it out with them earlier this week but thanks to all the replies to parcs I kept my cool. I am also aware that if I had done so I might loose contact with daughter and gd and not be around to support them if needed.

I am looking after gd next week, I am very useful to them when needed but it would be nice to be included in some family events. I know that I am very lucky to have such a good relationship with gd because of the childcare I have provided, some grans are not so lucky. I guess I just need to continue seeing daughter and gd when sil is working and get over it.

parcs falconbird and to all you wise gransnetters