Am I mad to consider this...

Sounds to me like it's worth a try, so long as you feel up for it. If you give it a try but it doesn't work out, then it would have to be a foster family. If she doesn't want that then she would probably try hard to make it work.

Poor kid, but you do sound like a good friend. Best wishes.

Hummingbird - it does sound as though you do not really know this girl at all well, so this idea might be less viable. It may be that experienced foster parents might be in her best interests. I think it does you credit that you are considering this at all and hope that the SW conversation will help to clear your mind on the subject.

What do your children and grandchildren (if you have discussed it) think about the idea?
Someone I know has two adopted daughters, and has incurable cancer. She is the same age as my son. Her daughters are in primary school. It's an awful situation.

The poor poor girl.
You are in a difficult position.

I am a little confused.
Her birth brother has gone to stay with her birth gran?
Are all the uncle/dad/his kids, birth family?

I am asking because, fostering tends to work out better if a family member is able to foster. It gives the child more sense of belonging generally, that way.
You too may be better for her than complete strangers.

It is confusing, Soon! Both children were adopted as babies, by older parents, but they're not particularly close (both at difficult ages). Gran was happy to take the boy, but not the girl. He is quiet, and something of a loner, and she is very outgoing with lots of friends, and gran is very elderly and feels she wouldn't be able to cope. The girl has been staying with wonderful friends since her dad was admitted to hospital, but it can't be permanent. None of the small family is willing to take her.
My daughter thinks we should give it a go, my son, who is very practical, thinks not. My OH is up for it.

It's a head versus heart situation, and your thoughts are helping! Thank you!

Durhamjen, what an awful situation for your friend, too!

Give your husband a great big hug, just for being willing to take on this poor young girl. My ex talked the talk about fostering but wouldn't walk the walk.

It's not so much as your age as your health. Do you think that you will be able to take this girl through her most difficult years of childhood, the latter teens, along with the fact that she has lost both parents and the anger that will come with that in time, and be able to be fit and healthy at the end of this time, both of you? Do you think that it would put a strain on your marriage? Or your relationship with your own children, even though they are grown up they could still be jealous of her getting your attention.

There are some very hard questions to answer and some soul searching to do. Go to the meeting, get the advice, talk and talk some more. To take her on and then decide it is not for you would be devastating for her. You have to be sure it is going to work, in my opinion. She has to feel wanted and that you will always be there for her, no matter what. She is not a grandchild you can hand back after a couple of hours, she will be yours, make up, boys and door slamming and all. Good luck.

Thank you Rubylady, you've summed up perfectly the things that are making me anxious! I'm especially worried that it might all fail and that she'll have yet another rejection.
Thanks again, everyone - I'll keep you informed x

hummingbird I think it is an amazing thing that you are considering this and you have my utmost respect. I also think you have been given some very good advice on here with lots of different points to think about.

I have been mulling over your dilemma and have a few thoughts that may or may not be helpful. I am really not trying to influence your decision in any way - in your situation, I'm really not sure what I would do, so feel free to disregard my musings.

1) Foster placements of teenagers have a very high breakdown rate, for a number of reasons. Your little friend may be lucky and be placed with experienced foster carers who are a good 'match' and be settled there for the rest of her childhood. On the other hand, with the shortage of foster carers she could find herself with inexperienced carers with limited support. What I am saying is that foster care doesn't bring any guarantee of stability.

2) 'Family and friend' placements, such as with you, have a higher success rate and lower breakdown rate than mainstream foster placements, for a variety of reasons. Carers are committed to the particular child, and the child generally wants to be there. So the chances of a placement working out are statistically higher than the chances of a stranger foster placement working out. That's no guarantee of course and statistics are not much use when feelings are involved.

3) When you see the SW ask her if you could be assessed as Family and Friend foster carers so that you can be given the training, support and backup that all foster carers receive. If this is not an option ask why not, since the girl will be a looked after child without that. (That's not to say that you must accept this option, but you need to know whether it is an option at all).

4) It says everything that you are worried about the girl facing another rejection if it doesn't work out. Of course that would be awful for everyone. However - just a thought - if she already knows you are considering this she may see it as a rejection if it doesn't go ahead, so in that sense you have nothing to lose by trying. I do not mean to minimise the commitment this will need but just trying to look at it from the girl's point of view.

I would still say, think it over very, very carefully. I'm not sure I would have the energy to see a teenager through to independence but on the other hand there are many older foster carers who seem to thrive on the challenge. Whatever you do, try to talk to the girl about the process and try to involve her in the decision so that she can understand how much you care about her, even if you don't feel able to look after her.

All the very best, I'm sure you will stay involved in her life whatever happens and she is very lucky to have you (poor child has not been very lucky with much so far, has she?)

I was just sitting watching television now and realised that, if I was still working I get so tired that I would be going to bed at 8 o'clock each night. Which then made me think back to when my kids were teenagers and I was always driving them around late at night [it was always me that did the picking up, not dropping off for some reason]. My daughter had a friend whose parents had him when they were in their forties and they never did any of the picking up or dropping off because they were tucked up in bed. I couldn't understand back then how people could be so tired. Then again, we do find the energy when we need to, I guess, and you will have the support of your DH and sometimes having a younger person around makes us feel younger anyway [I'm now going to have a quick nap so I don't fall asleep when Poldark is on!].

If the girl would like to come to you I would say yes, invite her, but you must get the rest of your family to agree wholeheartedly otherwise she will just be a cuckoo in the nest, never fully accepted and perhaps very unhappy.
As you already know the girl you will have some idea of what you are taking on but remember teenage years are difficult for any child and their family so when things go wrong from time to time it will most likely be a normal occurrence.
I had 10 foster children over a 4 year period ranging in age from 10 days to 13 years. I loved it and would do it again but we stopped when my husband reached 84 and I had to put his needs first.
Go for it and Good Luck!

The Family and Friend foster carers option is not really applicable here, as, from what we are being told, the OP hardly knows this young lady and is motivated by her affection for the late mother. If I have read this wrong, I apologise.

Hopefully the social worker will be able to advise and to assess whether this is an appropriate option. Let us hope that some stability can be created for her.

Family and friend foster care includes anyone with an existing link to the child Mishap. I worked in a Family and Friend fostering team between 2012 and 2014 so I know this fits the criteria.

Wow mgtanne71, I take my hat off to you!

Thank you again! Interesting point, about the family / friend placement - I have compiled a list of questions for Tuesday incorporating your suggestions and comments. The girl - I'll call her Jane - has been for dinner today. It went well, thankfully. You're right, Mishap, I do feel responsible due to my friendship with Jane's mum, but it's more that I can't bear to see a child cut adrift like this. It's comforting to hear that there are success stories too! Hats off to you, mgtanne!

Lots of good luck for Tuesday hummingbird. I do hope that you get some sound advice that will help you in your decision.

Thank you so much
Just a quick aside - how's your daughter, Mishap?

Very large indeed! - thank you for asking.