Why is this a problem

When DH retired he asked me what I did all day and I told him he then took over all the housework. Initially I felt strange, I had been the homemaker for 42 years, but after a week or two I got used to it and now take myself off to the study or sit and read a book. DH feels the need to keep moving and who am I to stop him

What really bugs me is that it doesn't seem so very long ago that I was listening to my Mum complaining about my Dad being retired and how full of good and helpful ideas I was then! We were so very busy with jobs, children and general living! Oh, be careful what you wish for!!!! [hmmm]

My husband is not a 'joiner' either, and does not have hobbies, although he is always happy to find things to do around the house and garden, and he likes to read. We are constantly in each other's company, with the exception of every other Saturday in the football season when he goes to the match with our son. I have to admit it annoys me considerably at times and I do let it show. What annoys me more, however, is my own attitude that, despite the fact that he would have no objections to my doing my own thing if I wanted to, I feel so guilty when I actually go off and do something on my own, that I don't get the most out of it. We enjoy walking but, unlike me, he doesn't enjoy walking with a group. I have often said that I don't think he gets enough out of his retirement and he gets annoyed and says he's happy enough and I shouldn't try and live his life for him. For the most part, it works. I like to fish, but am not very keen on the off road driving it takes to get to some of the wilder places where he can take himself off for a walk while I'm doing my fishing. He gets the exercise, I get the solitude!

Such good tips. I think that you ladies are very brave and have a get on with it attitude. I am not that kind of person really, I think that if things do not feel right then they aren't right.

What I mean by this is if I am not happy then I should do something about it.

Would it be silly to consider separation or should I just try and adapt as most ladies that have posted have.

As usual I am very confused.

I do love him but he is not the person I want him to be and he hasn't been for a long time.

Yikes. That is a bit of a leap.
Has he not been pulling his weight for years?

I think it would be very unfair to ditch a husband in later years, unless there was a much stronger reason than this. TBH I'm surprised you can even think of such a thing!

Can't you find him a separate room in the house where he can quietly do nothing all day while you forget about him? You would have to make it comfortable of course.

This seems very familiar.

I am sure there is not one if us who has not felt extreme antipathy to having someone under their feet all the time, but separation seems a bit of a strong solution. Sooner or later, at this stage in life, one. Or other of us is going to find ourselves on our own whether we like it or not. I have had this brought home to me on several occasions recently. Our friends seem to be dropping like flies. Speaking personally, I would sooner have DH here irritating the life out of me than not have him here at all.

Deja vu?

Yes, similar to a previous thread . . .

It was mentioned that perhaps I need a bit of s small break away. I think that was very true and am planning a couple of days away.

I think that people that have posted have great morals and I am grateful for all your posts

PS *phoenix *as this is such a familiar subject I am not at all surprised that it may have been mentioned by other posters. Do you find it problematic? Please do not comment if you do not wish to��

Jingl and grey duster both made good comments. I would hate to be without my husband, and we live a kind of companionable life often in separate rooms.,. I see nothing wrong with having your own life. I have twice been to the USA and European countries with group holidays. He has never minded. I joined U3A and go to lots of events without him. But always happy to come back to him. He, too, has no proper hobbies apart from stamp,collecting!! When we holiday together I always choose and arrange and he just goes along with it. I think the separate room where DH can hang out is a good idea and prevents you feeling frustrated watching him doing nothing.
Why separate? That sounds very extreme. Increase your own activities and your frustrated feelings will subside, I'm sure. Again, try U3A if there's one local to you.

Ii am sure there are not many people who think of separation as a cure for the inevitable effects of being thrown together 24/7 as we get older. Why condemn your other half to a life of lonely old age just because the glitter has gone out of your marriage? Death will us part soon enough, no need to hasten the split.

Living together does not prevent anyone from doing the things that interest them when they want to and doing things together when that is possible, and you will have things to talk about when you return. Perhaps hearing what an interesting time you have had will spark up a bit of his life too, and make him a more interesting partner?

Oh, and perhaps he is finding you rather boring as well? None of us is perfect. Improving your own environment could improve his too.

Very true Elegran

Perhaps, a separation (planned on your part) will make him realise he has to work at your relationship. Mrs. P has pulled me up sharply from time to time, and I think I have responded (for a while anyway). Us men do need more than a hint.

Parcs I try to imagine what I must be like to live with.

I can be bossy & over-enthusiastic. I love change and doing different things, I am a 'starter' not a 'finisher' . I am untidy but organised in arrangements. I am sociable and like going out and meeting new people.

DH is a know it all and cautious. He is wary of change so rarely starts things but will studiously and is tidy but dis-organised when doing anything. He likes to stick with long-standing friends he knows well rather than expand hs friendship group.

However we have always been like that & been together for 40+ years and still enjoy each others company ...most of the time! He infuriates me sometimes just as I infuriate him but that's part of the marriage. it would feel wrong to ditch him just because our differences are shown up in greater relief now we spend more time together!

Ooops! Should read he will 'studiously complete any task or project'

Oh yes pompa. Nothing wrong with threatening to bugger off quietly remove oneself from his household now and again. Reminding him, of course, of the dinners he would have to shop for and cook, the washing he would have to cope with, etc etc.

I usually threaten to go and live with son in Exeter. (not sure what son would think of that!)

I now see that you have another thread on the go. Which puts this one into a bit more perspective.

Excellent post Penstemmon. I think you've probably described the majority of long term marriages. We also are so very different - DH sounds a little like your husband in terms of being wary of change, but he is the untidy one, but kind of mentally organised, makes lists and so on.
I am the sociable one, like to do new things, meet people and so on. Although naturally tidy, I have long since given up trying to keep the house tidy because of DH's untidiness .
And yes, we've always been like this and it's OK most of the time. I don't think I would cope with being married to someone who was like me in every respect, shared my opinions and views and so on. I think I'd find that a little tedious - and being a naturally argumentative person, I would probably look for differences . Frankly I often wonder how he puts up with me . But separation? God no!

Exactly Ash ! Too much positive shared history to throw away just because he won't come and look at new fitted wardrobes with me

Penstemmon & AshTree that's summed us up too! I daren't start imagining what I'm like to live with

We've been married 38 years and we have shared (long walks, holidays, NT visits etc) and separate interests (he goes gliding [shudder]) too.
Yes we bicker and drive each other mad from time to time but that's hardly grounds for separation!

Mine wouldn't come car seeking with me so I went off, tried and bought one all in 4 hours and he was flabbergasted- he'd spend weeks and go round umpteen garages, I went to one - I'm thrilled with it and begrudgingly admits 'it's not a bad car' (I paid for it too so he couldn't argue!)

Penstemmon, are you sure you're not me living in a parallel universe???

Haha loopy. Sounds like my DH - whatever he's buying, whether it's shoes or a new carpet, he has to look at every available option, online and on the high street.
Our kettle packed up a couple of weeks ago, so I popped down to Sainsbury's and bought a new one - took about half an hour max. When he saw it, my DH found a couple of faults, nothing major, just niggly things that could have been improved on. I said, "That's because I just went in one shop and chose a reasonably priced, decent looking one. Quickly. You would have trudged round every electrical retail outlet in the area, spent half a day doing it, and you'd have ended up with something largely similar." It's a kettle, FHS. It boils water. It switches off automatically.