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(34 Posts)
over60plus Fri 22-May-15 08:53:39

Update from my previous post, GD started new job still in education but on admin side seems very happy and settled. My dilemma today is she does not get paid till end of month so short of money I have helped with her fuel cost to get her to work, she phoned last night asked if we could lend her some money till she got paid (for her standing orders) £85 I said that's fine will put in the bank now, I know she will pay back. Mentioned to my husband she was short of cash he said no she is not having it, could understand if we had not got it but we have. Left a very bad taste husband gets up this morning says you had better transfer cash to GD account. Her parents are divorced neither as spare cash am I being unreasonable

FlicketyB Tue 26-May-15 19:01:58

Petallus When I leant my children money they were either students or in hourly paid waitress and barmen jobs. Now they have decent jobs and homes I would not expect them to come for me a loan, except in very exceptional circumstances, and such circumstances have never arisen. I would expect them to take out commercial loans like anybody else.

The loans, when they were made, were always small amounts; a couple of hundred pounds at most and the repayments would be low, £5.00 a week. It is sad but true that it is far more important to learn to live within your means when your income is low and you are struggling than when your income is larger. Get in debt when on a small income and you are on the path to pay day loans, and loan sharks and escalating and unmanageable debt. Get in debt when your income is higher, you can use credit cards, overdrafts and bank loans and when you take out such debt , you are usually confident you can repay the debts. Those on small incomes aren't.

Having seen the effect of parents handing out money whenever requested; elderly people with substantial occupational pensions living in poverty because most of their pension is used up servicing their children's loans while their financially irresponsible children keep spending and expecting their parents to pay.

Giving children money whenever they need it can be a form of child cruelty.

Marty Tue 26-May-15 10:58:42

I love being able to help my children out. When they were small and asked for something I had to say - sorry can't afford it - they had second hand everything. So it is now a pleasure to help out and I know it is appreciated.

Falconbird Tue 26-May-15 08:31:16

JOLLYG I love your quote "give while the hand is hot and not cold."

That's my philosophy exactly.

I give my three sons what ever I can afford when they ask and sometimes when they don't.

So long as I have enough to have some comforts in approaching old age I give them what I can to make their life easier. sunshine

petallus Tue 26-May-15 07:37:13

FlicketyB you have mentioned before that you expect your children to always pay back loans and I can only agree that this is a good thing if circumstances permit

However, whilst some children have reasonably well-paid jobs and a relatively high standard of living, others are in low paid work and struggling just to put a roof over their heads and food in their (and their children's mouths). In these circumstances, it is not so easy for them to make regular payments until a debt is fully repaid.

My own DD is in this position and it is not always possible for her to make repayments on a regular basis.

Not only that, but since I have spare cash every month and can buy what I like, within reason, I like to share my good fortune out a bit so my children and grandchildren can have a few treats.

Coolgran65 Mon 25-May-15 22:16:41

What a lovely thread. Not one person has said they would not have lent dgd the money.

FlicketyB Mon 25-May-15 17:18:51

I think all money given to help when DC/DGC are having living cost problems should be repaid.

The odd unexpected lump sum for a particular purpose is fine, but I have had to advise and assist several older people who have cleaned themselves out and even taken out mortgages because of their lifetime habit of bailing their children out every time they got into debt.

They all had children in their 40s who were constitutional spendthrifts who had never matured financially because whenever they got into debt, Mum and/or Dad would shell out money to sort it out.

In their early adult years, any money we advanced our DC had to be repaid and we were strict about it. Once it was clear they had developed into financially mature and sensible adults we have several times given them lump sums towards expensive items. This money has always been given without any request or hints that it might be nice. If either of them asked for money, except in an exceptional crisis, we would still want it repaid.

Lorie Mon 25-May-15 11:15:10

You did good in lending her money. I will lend my money to my GD no matter how hard it is for me to arrange and my husband thinks the same. We're not going to take this money to our grave and I totally agree with "Mishap", better to give it when she is in need rather than when you're dead and I don't care if she returns the debt or not.

jinglbellsfrocks Sun 24-May-15 10:17:50

My lot pay us back by direct debits. We sometimes let them off the last payment or two. Depends what they've borrowed it for! hmm

Marelli Sun 24-May-15 09:15:51

My single-mum DGD is taking her wee boy on holiday, and is short of quite a bit of the balance (which has to be paid this week). She asked me for help with this or she'll lose the holiday. I'll pay it and she'll set up a direct debit to pay me back, at an amount she can afford each month. Normally I don't ask for repayment of any of the money I 'lend' to my family, as they do struggle financially. The reason I'm asking for repayment from DGD is that I feel she may have over-estimated the amount she could afford for this holiday, and it might make her think again the next time!
The way I see it, is that they may as well have it while they need it, as long as they don't take advantage.

Nelliemoser Sun 24-May-15 08:48:11

In the circumstances of not getting money until the end of the month I would help out.
When DDs car failed its MOT and it was not worth repairing She took out a loan and I gave her some extra to ensure she coukd get the vehicle she needed. It was essential for getting to work.
She is paying me back interest free by Direct Debit.

AshTree Sun 24-May-15 08:45:04

I think as long as it's obvious they're not using you as a 'cash cow', but are sensible and in genuine need, then it's fine to lend or even give money to our DC or DGC.
Before I met my DH, I had a boyfriend who was an apprentice engineer. His pay was only £6 a week, but his mother resolutely took £1 from him each week for 'housekeeping'. He never quibbled about this. What he didn't know, however, but his mother told me on the quiet, was that she was putting it aside every week to present to him when he finished his apprenticeship. She didn't need the money, she said, but it was 'good training for him'. How right she was - I heard some years later that he was a self-made millionaire. (My DH's parents, on the other hand, not only never took any money off him, but they also paid for his travel to work season ticket. He isn't a millionaire hmm)

Grannyknot Sun 24-May-15 08:05:49

I've got money that I've earned and look upon to lend as I please! Especially for such a relatively small amount, I wouldn't even have told or consulted on it. I also do that thing (as Pompa suggests) where a repayment scheme is agreed and then I write off a balance after a time if the family member is making an effort but falls behind...

Jane10 Sun 24-May-15 08:02:42

I agree with everyone. Give the girl the money and good luck to her. Tell her its an early birthday present. It will be hard enough for her to balance her books as it is without a debt hanging over her. Does she already have a student loan? My GM didn't give us money directly when we were starting out but bought us a lot of useful stuff (furniture, TV etc) which was a big help and an indirect way to hand over some dosh.

Leticia Sun 24-May-15 07:50:49

I wouldn't hesitate to give her the money.

Grandma2213 Sat 23-May-15 23:15:56

If you have the money I, like many others here, don't see the problem. Family matter more than money especially as you say you know she will pay you back. I have only recently been able to help my children out with small amounts, sometimes paid back sometimes not and I would do the same for my grandchildren were they old enough! I know that they are always available when I need them eg hospital visits or jobs that I can't do now and they are always taking me to shows, days out, bucket list ideas and even holidays. I just feel lucky to have them.

Eloethan Fri 22-May-15 13:47:02

I'm not sure why your husband is so against you lending money to your grand daughter. Does she regularly ask to borrow money or not pay it back?

I would very willingly loan money to my children or grandchildren. Depending on the circumstances (e.g. if I thought the person was generally sensible with money and was not treating me like a "soft touch") I would just give her/him some money. You say it won't cause you hardship so I can't see why there is a problem helping out.

My mum and dad never helped us out (and my husband's parents lived in another country and weren't well off) and it was a real struggle for us sometimes. Both of us were of the mind that, if we could afford it, we would help our children and grandchildren when it was needed - and pay for some things they might otherwise have to forego, like holidays.

I do see pompa's point, though, that it's important for young people to learn to manage their finances without the expectation of being bailed out all the time. If your granddaughter often asks for loans, I would expect it to be paid back as arranged.

trisher Fri 22-May-15 12:33:10

A friend of mine lent some money to her DS and really didn't want it paid back, but he insisted on doing so. She took all the money he gave her and bought Premium bonds with it, on his birthday she presented him with the bonds and wished him"Good luck".
I am all for passing money on, as long as you aren't struggling it is nice to share it around.

harrigran Fri 22-May-15 12:27:30

I would give money to family too, there is very little that I need and I would rather they had it now instead of struggling. I paid off DD's mortgage so that she could keep her home when she moved abroad and also gave DS the deposit for a home in London which was a very good investment.
I can remember having very little as a child and especially having to wait until mother could afford new shoes. I buy GC's shoes so that it is never an issue.

annodomini Fri 22-May-15 11:25:17

I loaned money to DSs for deposit on a house and purchase of a car. Both paid me back in full by standing order - without being asked.

Iam64 Fri 22-May-15 11:11:43

I'm with those who say if you have the money, give it. Your granddaughter sounds as though she appreciates your help and wants to pay you back. Providing our young family members aren't taking the proverbial and appreciate the support, why not help out now if we can afford to. If we're lucky and able to work and save during our lives, it's when we're starting out that we are broke, rather than when we retire. I remember being 50 pence above the rate rebate amount when my oldest was a baby. Every single penny was accounted for. I'm relieved to be able to help my own adult children now, rather than when I pop my clogs.

pompa Fri 22-May-15 11:08:07

I would lend her the money, with an agreement how the loan will be repaid (even if it is over a long term). Once the firts couple of repayment have been made, we would then write the debt off. I think it important that they learn to manage debt. and not just expect a bail out.
Our GC are not old enough to need that, but we have done that with our children several times, unfortunately, they have now cleared us out, so have to sort out their money, which they seem to be managing very well.

AshTree Fri 22-May-15 11:02:20

Yes I agree with others - if the money's there, help your GD. We've been helping our DD a lot recently because she's about to become a mum and is single so we are her only 'cushion'. She is very good with money, but I think we all know how expensive preparing for motherhood is. We couldn't stand by and see her struggle knowing there's money in our bank. What is the point of money if not to spend it where it's needed?

Your GD sounds sensible, and is not asking for the earth but just to cover her standing orders. I would gift her the money too, so that when she gets paid she isn't already behind with her money.

over60plus Fri 22-May-15 11:00:42

Thanks you all for your replies I put it in her bank anyway, my husband does not have any responsibility for money he is just not bothered, I say transferred money from a to b to pay holidays etc his response OK.

Personally not worried if she pays it back but she said must pay you back suggested she split it over 3 months.

annodomini Fri 22-May-15 10:57:50

If she was my GD, I'd rather she was in debt to me (interest free) than to a payday loan company or even the bank. And if I could afford it, I'd give her the money.

J52 Fri 22-May-15 10:28:29

I agree with everyone who said 'give her the money', if you can afford it. It's £85 less to be included in inhertence tax!

We have always held the opinion that if we could afford it we would help DCs and DGDs. Why make life hard for her? It's hard enough. Congratulate her on the new job and gift the money to her. x