daughter-in-law from hell

Back to the OP >

There's a school of thought about behaviour traits which suggests that when one dislikes the behaviour of another, it is because these behaviours are held in oneself, and it is unpleasant to see these mirrored back - leading to antagonism by both parties. Not always the case by any means, but might be worth looking at when trying to understand others, particularly when difficulties arise within families.

Look to oneself first.

The same can apply, of course, with liking behaviour in others. Usually the basis of a good and firm friendship.

So now we have arguments often ends in the parties agreeing to differ. Not always, no. And try telling that to women and men who are battered by their partners. It is the "typically heated or angry" part of the definition of the word argument that I am talking about, that happens before whatever the end part is.

When men or women batter their partners it has nothing to do with arguments and everything to do with control. It has nothing do with mutual anger, although that can happen; it has to do with one partner wishing to control the other one's life. You are so wrong soontobe I honestly don't know where to start.

Is "pedantics " a neologism? Maybe soontobe meant " semantic So"?

I will stop now Nelliemoser.

There is a faux naive ring to this^I have just come to the huge revelation. . . Etc^
I cannot believe you have reached whatever age you sre without thinking about why people discuss, disagree, argue quarrel (although I think the last is different).

You say you knew your kids didn't want to argue, how? If they didn't "appreciate" the method, were you justified? How old were they? Toddlers? Teenagers?

OP's DIL may be loud and opiniated and to some that may be hard to take, but if you suppress "healthy" argument in childhood you render children less able to cope with robust exchanges of views in their adult life.

soontobe You said

Bother. Now I am going to have to repsond to mcem. I thought you said grow a pair as well, but cant find the thread. I remember your other bit.

You could give yourself a much quieter life by not flogging a subject to death. You are quite skilled at generating dissention and argument. I am sure you enjoy it, or enjoy the attention. You could leave this discussion at any time you like with a darn sight more dignity than by flogging it to death.

When you are in a hole stop digging! Please!

soon on this thread of 121 posts you've posted approximately 30 times - I know threads wander but do you really think that you're being helpful to flutter with her problem?

Now realised that people who like a good argument, may use pedantics.

I have just come to the huge revelation, that many people in real life, dont know how to communicate when they have disagreements. Without using shouting, arguments, quarrels, whatever word or method.
I suspect that that is what is happening with the op's dil, as she seems to be getting on with her husband.

I knew, from my kids, that they didnt want to argue and have upsets. So I knew, that if I could find a way to stop it, that they would like it, even if they didnt appriciate the method originally.

That wasn't a good dictionary, soon, if that's all it said. I can't copy and paste from my online dictionary so I'll write out what it says in another post.

I mean, in case I am queried again, that the kids sorting the rare disagreements that they have, works brilliantly. They dont argue with each other any more. They sort it nicely. Without mum I perhaps should add, in case I am asked about that too.

I looked it up this morning thatbags. Arguments are "typically heated or angry". Well what a surprise.
I am not going to play pedantics. The kids had arguments. Sorting the rare disagreements they have now, works brilliantly.
[I feel like this thread is teaching grandma to suck eggs or whatever the expression is]. So I am perhaps getting my chain pulled.

I slept on the situation Soutra,having pmed the op, and decided I hadnt done anything wrong. But if there is a better way of doing things when I am asked many questions when the op is not around, or may not come back, then posters are free to let me know.

What happened to your good intentions at 22.33 * soontobe*??
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

Look up the word argument in a good dictionary, soon. [suggestion] since your understanding of the term appears to be limited.

I pmed the op and she is ok.
So I will answer another question.
[But not sure for another time, what I am supposed to do, re answering questions on a thread not started by me. But there again, I have been told that a person who starts a thread does not own a thread. And there cannot be threads about threads to ask this question.].

I do not do pedanticswith words. We all know what argument means. Anyone who doesnt can look up the definition of it.

So now we have arguments often ends in the parties agreeing to differ. Not always, no. And try telling that to women and men who are battered by their partners. It is the "typically heated or angry" part of the definition of the word argument that I am talking about, that happens before whatever the end part is.
Also, sorting things out nicely has the same results or better obviously, than your "good" argument annodomini.

I am really quite surprised and a bit shocked at just how many posters call arguments good.

Perhaps your dil does fluttERBY123? At the least she is used to them. And may not know any other way of communicating at this point.

soon, you are confusing arguments with quarrels. They are not the same thing at all. Quarrels can turn nasty and rarely have any resolution, but a good argument - and yes an argument can be good - although it may not reach a consensus often ends in the parties agreeing to differ.

I will not post on this thread again. That is the best thing.

Found the thread. Yes mcem, you are correct re your first line. I remembered the post incorrectly re the grow a pair bit. You did not say that. I am sorry. I didnt mean to misquote. I dont like misquotes. I hope that you will accept my apology.

Not by using the same method of 'control', I hope!

Yet again, this thread has become all about you, soontobe.

fluttERBY123 I hope you can sift a bit of sense from the rest of the posts on here. Good luck!

Bother. Now I am going to have to repsond to mcem. I thought you said grow a pair as well, but cant find the thread. I remember your other bit.

It wasnt petty as it went on for too long. And I did it to control the situation. And above all for their sake. And it all worked big time. Wins all round for all members of the family. And work wise, they are able to look after large groups of people.

Just a reminder to soon. The phrase I used was not 'grow a pair'. I suggested you 'get a grip and grow up.' The context was a long ramble an ongoing discussion where I did get frustrated by fence-sitting and, to quote my own dear gran, 'shilly-shallying'.
I have no problem with clearly-expressed opinions which are considered and reasoned.
I don't even mind occasional arguments, which do not have to be overtly aggressive!
I do feel for the op but can offer no advice as my Dil and I are fine and I sincerely hope I'll be able to say the same when my son marries his lovely fiancee, but I'm taking nothing for granted.
Ps I believe that recording family rows is an appalling idea. Petty arguing between teenagers is perfectly normal and it's not a parent's duty to stunt them simply to be 'in control'.

Tell the pain in the bum to FO

Neither Soutra! I dont do threaten. I dont think I do defensive ever either. Just saying that I could speak on and on about many subjects.

fluttERBY123 is back. I will shut up.