daughter-in-law from hell

Just a thought flutter arising out an issue I had with my DiL a few months ago and advice which made me look at the problem from a very different angle....have you tried finding something to praise? Be it ever so little?

It was your post above, about her envying the relationship you have with your own daughter, which made me think again. And look at the problem from a new perspective.

Everyone loves a bit of praise. Without lathering it on perhaps compliment her on her shoes, or a handbag, or her children's behaviour, or a nice cup of tea, or anything. Just dropping the odd word of praise when you can.

Little positive verbal strokes

I suspect you are right when you say the fault lies in the relationship with her own mother, and perhaps you can show her how a relationship could be. Help her relearn behaviour patterns. Enlist your daughter in the strategy if possible. Do the unexpected.

It may not work at first but persevere, after all you will be the loser if things don't improve.

Thanks all for a great response, confirming what I really knew, keep schtum. We have always bent over backwards to avoid probs, always baby sit when asked, never say a word against to son, never criticize anything.

I do leave her alone! She does envy the relationship I have with my own daughter. She has a knack, with myself and my daughter, of making us feel all the time that we have done something wrong , something I think her own mother does to her. She seems to be constantly rowing with/appeasing her own mother.

Witnesses, yes, will do that, take a bodyguard with me. Yup, she is exhibiting learned behaviour. DILFH is estranged from a cousin with family she was close to at one time and her mother is estranged from her own sisters, so would not say a hobby exactly.

Bottom line is she is putting a divide between us and son and grandchildren. I suppose it is getting to a point where I should take my son aside. I did say in a minor fracas a few years ago that in any argument he should always take the side of wife, and not worry about us but we are not close so I am unaware how he is seeing things these days. He will be unaware of how I feel and what she has been up to. Yet to say anything to either of them would mean Krakatoa.

It does help to vent here.

Quite a lot of a son's choice of partner is influenced by his mother - not just how she has brought him up, but by her personality, her relationship with him and with the rest of the family, her attitude to the world. It is not always a positive correlation, it might influence him to be attracted to a completely different type of person, to want something quite dofferent to his parents' relationship.

The same is true of a girl's father. He influences her view of men in general, either to choose men who are similar, or to avoid that type and go for another kind altogether. My own DH was very like my father in temperament, though I was consciously not aware of that at the time.

How can it be otherwise? Our parents are our first relationships with others, and for our early years, almost the only ones. We oberve them far more closely than they, or we, are aware of, and we unconsciously absorb or reject their philosophies.

that 'may' should be maybe

Nice post, brendaw.

gknot, true regarding the 'only' part, but I think there must be something if only because one hears so much more about problem daughter-in-law/mother-in-law relationships.

Or may dads-in-law just knuckle down and don't complain.

All speculation, I know, but fascinating for all that.

I wonder, if she comes from a family where expressions of belonging revolve around load interactions and arguments that would be her understanding of being loved and belonging.
You see her behaviour as low level bullying so naturally distance yourself , maybe unconsciously, more. This makes her behave in a negative way even more. Does that make sense.
You say that your son is very happy with her and that should please you to see. Build from his happiness and try to see and appreciate the positives in her and let her know that you do see them. Do things with her you know she would enjoy.
She is trying to find her feet in a different family than she is used to and is reacting as she would have done in her childhood family.
Help her belong in your family and I hope that once she feels safe the relationship will improve.

I trained for a time in family therapy and was part of a family therapy team and this would have been the approach we may have taken in sessions. Family work is never a quick fix but takes time.

...a son's choice ...

bags I don't know whether son's choice of a spouse is only attributable to how their mothers brought them up ... in fact, I very much doubt it.

He is happy with her? Then be pleased for him, he is lucky. Praise her whenever you can and keep a low profile when you can't.

She probably doesn't see it as bullying, just normal "outspokenness" but she will leave you alone if you
1) don't make her rows and feuds into a two-way vendetta - it takes two to make a feud.
2) don't act as though she has broken your heart if she throws a scene. If that is the norm in her family, then she is accustomed to drama. If you can smile at her melodramas without turning them into a fight, you are winning. Be the grown-up.

thanks nannieroz111 as I say I have had "plenty of practice" !
counting to a 1,000 does help... hope that I have brought my DDs to appreciate and respect others no matter what goes on in a relation ship, and to remember that if children are involved to hold their tongues until out of earshot ) or are packed off to grannies whilst they sort themselves out)!

My straight from the gut reaction was similar: another woman with a lovely son and a terrible daughter-in-law!

Hey biker you deserve a medal. It must have been sooooo difficult to rise above a barrage like that. I usually find just "walk away" and explode when you are in private.

My straight from the gut comment would have been something like this: Oh god! not another one! How do these mothers do it, bringing up sons who choose awful women to marry?

Agreed, ffinn. Wanted to say something similar but couldn't find the right way to do it.

Perhaps, flutter, if you left her alone she'd reciprocate. I obviously can't know whether that's doable. It just crossed my mind as a vague possibility.

flutter I'm sorry the relationship between you and your DIL is not good. I wonder if she envies your relationship with your son and thinks she is n some kind of competition with her. Its hard work to keep ignoring her or to rise above it. Equally although I think its probably the right thing to do to be unfailingly nice is exhausting when you'd really like to push her in a pond. I think you are going to have to conserve your energies and keep contact to a minimum. Are grandchildren involved too?

Try complimenting her on anything, from clothes to how she decorates her house. Just try to find nice things to say to her - and do as others say and ignore her nasty comments.

In a family like hers it is possible that she has never met kindness, nurture and support and will, after possible I initial suspicions, respond well to having treacle poured over her.

as other posts. I find the best ways is to say as little as possible, as my mum says "the least said the soonest mended" some families thrive on dramas and arguments, this is a way of life for them, if things are ticking along nicely their not happy so have to "develop" a row or argument.
I am good at keeping mouth zipped (it comes with a h*ll of practice) in fact I have got certificates for Tongue Holding !

Talking about milfh my dds husbands mother could well come under that category, only last week there was one of the usual rows that included dd, sil,and dds mother inlaw, which included her calling my!! elder GS whos 8 a f****ing ponce!! this is as he stood there in the same room!! she reckons she didn't know he was there, he put his fingers in his ears! she called him this because my dd has brought GS up more or less on her own and had made a dam good job of it, with my help, she then went on to say that I (that's me)should get up and get a job (as some of you may know I am still on bereavement) and I should stop wiping dd a*se! throughout all this I was able to keep calm and not say a word, I feel the better person for it, whist she! admitted a few days after that she was a "little harsh"!!! so yes, the least said, the better person you are .Rise above it.

Maybe, just maybe, the daughter-in-law is exhibiting learned behaviour from her own family, and is unaware of her impact on you?
You say your son seems quite happy. In which case, I think you're wise to leave well alone.

And another thought. If you see her as a daughter-in-law-from-hell, then she may see you as the mother-in-law-from-hell. Who knows, eh?

Step one might be to stop thinking of her as a dilfh.

I think that you can only refuse to get drawn in.
'If you say so' sounds a good response. Another one is 'really' said in a mild way,without a question mark.

Good idea Grannyknot
I did this with my MIL, it tied her in knots

How about "If you say so" ... for "agreement".

I feel for you flutter - I have a nice DIL but am still feeling my way around the relationship.

Try agreeing with everything she says?
Just say 'You're right' or 'Yes' and then she'll hopefully run out of oomph?

Ignore ignore ignore. I know it's hard but it's the only way bullies learn. If you react then you have done what they wanted.
ignoring her, she will hate it.

Avoid her. In particular avoid being alone with her. If she says anything nasty in company, perhaps feign a touch of deafness and with a smile tell her you didn't catch what she said, could she perhaps repeat it.