daughter-in-law from hell

My son's girlfriend & mother of two of her five children..she treated me very badly when I stayed with them when I had a broken ankle. Before I left she had her oldest daughter join her in unacceptable behavior towards me.. Told son about it..but he refuses to believe me. Now I've noticed missing item's of mine are in their home..any help out there?

I have one of those / she has finally succeeded in alienating my son and me -

When they married my Dil became like MY mother-in-law, very controlling, very critical. I studied how to build relationships. Then I read an old social media entry, she said she loves to argue, especially when she knows she is wrong. Since my dgd was born, it has been years of power trip. I am spoken too as somebody rather irrelevant, unless they need cash. My son now seems torn between he loves his family and blaming me for not warning him off her. This year, for the first time since he was a child I received only a birthday card, a day late. I asked if I had upset him and he just said that he is tired, I phone, he does not. I am worn out with it all. The last time she was here, she was very mean to my granddaughter to upset me. She got her way, I waived them off early to rescue the distressed little girl. Life is not always fair but I had a lovely mil. I aspired to be someone she was happy to have as a mil. My son, head in hands, once said " you see, she is so territorial". I receive photos. I now see my dgd once or twice a year. More than that and my dil is likely to be rude in front of others. What did I do wrong? I am his mother, the most illogically hated woman in the world to some young wives!

mothers and sons EH! My kids complain I usually take the side of their partners ,and I do ,in a lot of things.Nothing to make someone feel really unwanted than a family ganging up on them so if my daughter or son complain I usually ask what their input has been to cause it,dont get into a conflict with your daughter in law ,try to make her part of your life .If she snipes about something be sympathetic ,maybe I'm wrong, but I just like an easy life and thats what I do

DILFH? yes

Clearly I didn't give enough detail, it was a very loose invite from son and dil, birthday invite was last minute, we are spending Xmas day with them all and have spent the last year treading on eggshells as my sons don't talk to each other as the dils have fallen out for last 18 months, now they are telling us what we shouldn't do or say...

Elle I'd be annoyed with you as well. My daughter and family have invited us for Christmas Eve night, she'd be very cross if I cancelled at such late notice and said I'd had a better offer. If your sister is having dinner out at this time of year then she'd have had to have booked a while ago so you must have known about this for some time.,

And even if it was a last minute invite, you ought to have said you had a prior engagement.

And as for visiting superearly in Christmas Day ... words fail me!!

Actually I think this is a wind up......

Had text from my son to say can we come another time as DIl is tired after a busy week at uni. They had asked DH and myself up tomorrow to see my grandson he's 21 weeks old and we have only seen him three times. On those occasions had only stayed a short time and had picked a take away meal for them as they requested. We were doing same this time as DiL had requested. We live 4 hour round trip away. We were taking presents ready for GS first christmas. We are gutted and hope we will be able to see them sometime soon. We are Very lucky that we have two small Gs living close by. But still miss our baby grandson so much.

You haven't explained how you informed your son and dil about your change of plans. Did you discuss the situation or simply inform them you'd had a better offer?

Hi grans, my dil is upset with me and my husband, we loosely agreed to spend Xmas eve night with them, but now my sister is having a family dinner out as its her birthday and they would like us to join them, have said that we will come up to see them super early on Xmas day and we are spending the day with them but that's not good enough, got a horrid txt from her. Any thoughts grans x

I would think your son being happy with your dil, must mean that she has good qualities too. I would not retaliate to any bad vibes she gives out and just be nice to her. Perhaps she feels a bit insecure and if she does make an unkind comment, smile and say, if you say so, or ask her to repeat it as you didn't get what she was saying. Confrontation will get you I nowhere and whilst you gave communication things might improve over time.

Good idea, saturnvista, about what can I do to be a better mil. Will have an opportunity in the coming week, if dil lets any opportunity arise - doubtful.

DILFH? Yes I do. It has been a long 10 years of bullying and excluding me from their lives, and now that her children from a previous relationship are grown. They are now trying to be nice and inclusive.

My son has 2 children from a previous relationship. (her best friend) and 2 with her. Every time I use to allow the X to bring her children over, their was conflict.

I was never invited to any functions, holidays, or get together's but if the X invited me she had my son curse me out for going.

I started school in 2007 and began getting the grandchildren by the X gifts. There was no communication with son or his wife at the time yet, she accused me of causing a wedge between the children. Their children I had not seen since the first was born and didn't even know the second was conceived and 3yrs at the time of messege of causing a wedge.

My son lives the next main street over and when he and his family went to visit relatives for a family reunion they gave my sister who lives three hours away a picture of the new baby to give to me who at the time I didn't know they had. It seems was just too embarrass me.

When they got married. I was not invited to the wedding and only get calls for children's birthday's and Christmas for gifts.

The last straw was, I had invited my son and his family to my daughter's cheer/football games all season. He said they could not come didn't have the means. I waited to the last game because of their conflicts to invite my other grandchildren by the X, at the game the wife started texting her and went nuts because I was there. they later called to curse me out for not inviting them because again I was accused of trying to cause a wedge since the X and her, had made up and were friends again. (Something I never knew). they only come around if they have invited my twin daughters to a function or holiday.

I was outdone, hurt, and fed up. for 2 years I refuse to talk to them all, as well as, see any of my grands. When my daughters were going to prom she decided to buy them dresses and shoes. I thanked her and now they are trying to be nice. So much has happened, I could write a book of the disrespect.

Just so you know I keep to my self and have never even visited them since her first by my son was 2 months old. I only let the X start coming over because the wife curse me out for letting her visit my mom over my house, who had just gotten out of the hospital, in the heat of their craziness, after that I became attached to my grands and let them come often. because of that It has been 10 years of wife and X craziness. My son included cursing me out whenever the wife feels I have been disloyal for talking to the X. It's one big mess still to this day. except I now steer clear.

But I just recently got out of the hospital and now my son comes over, has started calling, trying to bring the children over and invited me to youngest birthday party. but I don't want them or their drama in my life. I feel so strong about that yet, I don't want to be unforgiving. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions!

I really wouldn't try to talk to your son about it on his own. She would be within her rights to feel that you were putting her marriage in jeopardy - and it's gossip. If you must do something other than trying to change the tone of the relationship by being very friendly, I would perhaps ask her if there is anything you can do to be a good mother in law to her and mother+grandmother. If she takes that as an opportunity to talk, I would listen carefully and respect that she has a right to her opinion. Regardless of whether it's right or wrong, I wouldn't defend but would honestly thank her for telling you, and say that you'll reflect on it.

I have been subjected to DIL abuse but not any more. Everyone, including grandparents deserve to be treated with respect. I have lost contact with my son and grandson in the process but that would have happened anyway. The only consolation is that I won't have to put up with her manipulating both ever again.

Son possibly does feel sidelined but only because she brainwashes him into feeling so.

Feeling a bit better about it now, all the responses have helped. Before I had the idea that this should not be happening (it shouldn't) but now have a broader perspective that yes it's happening everywhere to lots of us in all it's wonderful variations - it helps.

I came at this from the other side. I have the mother in law from hell! She has 2 siblings still alive and doesn't like either of them but still expects their constant attention. She was so horrible to her son - my hubby that in the end(after 20years) I just broke off all communication with her. My poor husband feels that as she is his mother he has to keep visiting but openly admits it is out if duty. I think that we just have to accept that there are horrible folk in the world.

Does your son feel sidelined?

There will only be a massive row if you allow it to happen, Flutterby.
How about sitting down with her and saying you're sorry that what you did (whatever it was) made her feel that your DS and her were being sidelined?
And trying to explain why you took that action?

I ain't gone! I have been able to set out specifics in pms which has been great but the bottom line is still - keep schtum.

Basic problem has been a dramatic behaviour change in dil due to her disagreement with some actions of ours that were absolutely not her business but which she perceived as sidelining our son - all rest of our family perfectly happy with them.

It's not the verbals - we can chat for hours about nothings, though there is the occasional snipe. It's hurtful excluding tactics and actions designed to show her displeasure.

Mishap, yes, it has been emphasised that sons/daughters relationships with mother different.

ffinochio, the DILFH heading was a hook, I know she is product of upbringing but that does not make it any easier. She is doing her best to provoke a massive row - if it happens it will be over the summer - looking forward to September.

This afternoon I was reminded of this thread when DS2 phoned from the car and asked me to get the laptop and log in to rightmove so that he could discuss the houses they are going to look at this weekend. We spoke for about 30 minutes and I don't think he would have talked it over with me if he hadn't valued my input. I often discuss things with his partner too. Just don't live close enough to them.

My mum in law died last year. When I was first taken to meet my then bf's parents, I was a 30 year old divorce with a 7 year old child. Her much loved son was 28 and met me when working "up north". His dad greeted me so warmly, bug hug and "lovely to meet you at last". Mil stood back and looked me up and down, for the rest of the weekend she was rather reserved and it wasn't paranoia on my part, I was under assessment.

We'd been marred for 33 years by the time she died and I often thought about our first meeting as I sat by her bed in the final weeks of her life. As the years went by we began to like each other very much and later to love each other. What more could anyone wish for.

my sons partner visits me, we spend time together,I look after her little girl from previous relationship,she calls me nanny,my son pops in when he can ..he works nights..we text and chat on the phone..I value my relationship with both of them....their private life is their own,I am aware of issues between them,it is not my place to offer judgement,or solution,just enjoy their company whenever they come to see me,I actually see more of my sons partner,she chooses to confide in me as she dosent have that type of relationship with her mum...not wrong just different.

Your son is happy with her - I am sure that you are glad about that.

How about inviting her out for lunch or a coffee or something? You have to stay her friend or spoil your relationship with your son - just not worth the risk.

That she visits her own mum on her own is not surprising and should not be equated with your son visiting you on his own - sons and daughters often differ in this. All my friends with sons only ever see them with their wives, whereas all my DDs often visit us on their own. Seem to be par for the course.

Zip the lip as always!

Anya. I do believe that age does come with inevitable learning how to tackle certain circumstances thus making the individual wiser.

I don't know any GN posters personally but I haven't come across anyone I think has had an insular existence but if they were naive and gullible, not the type, I would imagine, wanting to be the centre of attention. In fact, rather the opposite.