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Blocked access to DGD

(26 Posts)
eastgran Tue 07-Jul-15 17:30:51

So bit of background my DS and DIL are young parents, they found out they were expecting when DIL was 20 years old DGD was born at 21. She's very lazy and I was upset that my DS was so stupid to get her pregnant, DS did the right thing stayed with her and I offered to put them up until their mortgage had gone through. Well she was lazy didn't do hardly any tidying or cleaning if she did it was a half attempt so I'd have to go over it again. She was rude I heard her moaning to DS she wanted to move out, then DGD was born and I was so happy. I loved that little girl since the moment I saw her, as ds and dil were new young parents I tried to help offer advice & do some babycare to give dil a chance to rest. DS told me to stop trying to be a surrogate parent to DGD and that he and DIL wanted to parent themselves.

Things soured DS got a new job and they moved out a few months later near her parents!! Since then I have stayed over when I can, so I can help out, DIL doesn't keep her home very clean, and I think they personally don't play enough with DGD or look after her very well. I try to buy fresh food and make sure the house is spotless when we leave. DIL doesn't cook fresh food very much. After my last visit, DS called me and said I wasn't welcome to stay whenever I liked and most grandparents see their grandchild a few hours a month . I'm very hurt I just want to see DGD make sure she's ok.

I asked ds could I have her for 5 days in august and DS said no she's too young. I know this is DIL's doing she doesn't like me very much I always thought DS would stay loyal to me. I started looking at houses near them so I can be near dgd and take care of her when DIL starts working next march. (DGD will almost be 3 years old) DS was very rude and said I won't be looking after DGD or maybe one day a week, & that he and his wife won't be having me over all the time. I feel really pushed out I just want to be there for DGD they don't put her first!!!

Sorry for any spelling issues english is not my first language.

harrigran Tue 07-Jul-15 17:44:13

eastgran, sorry this will hurt but you are breaking just about every rule in the Grandmother's book. No the wonder DS and DIL are cross, you have to back off.

ninathenana Tue 07-Jul-15 17:46:55

There is an awful lot of 'I' in your post. You are also very critical of DiL she may not be the best house keeper in the world but she is the childs mother. It seems your son is willing to stick up for his other half which I admire him for. Sorry, but I think you need to take a step back and not try and be a third parent to your DGD. Of course you want to see her but why would you need to make sure she's ok ? That's her mum and dad's job. I'd guess they're doing a decent job of it.
If you stop being pushy, you may find in time your son will ask you to visit/help out.

Your English is very good smile

ninathenana Tue 07-Jul-15 17:49:24

harrigran put it much more succinctly smile

Ana Tue 07-Jul-15 17:50:22

Déja vu anyone?

loopylou Tue 07-Jul-15 17:58:41

Definitely AnaM or if truly can't see why then isn't going to be taking any advice on board!


Ariadne Tue 07-Jul-15 19:05:10

Just listen to harrigran who is spot on. You are the grandmother, not the mother. Leave them be.

(Have we been here before? Textbook case.)

KatyK Tue 07-Jul-15 19:39:23

I have learned the hard way that sometimes me 'helping' is seen as me 'sticking my nose in where it is neither wanted nor needed'. Things have been better since I stepped back.

FarNorth Tue 07-Jul-15 19:42:55

The title of this thread is "Blocked access to DGD" but access has not been blocked. It's just that your DS and DiL want you to have less access than you would prefer.
You have to respect their wishes as they are the child's parents and, I'm sure, are doing their best for her.

It seems very overbearing to expect to stay with them often, cook foods of your choice for them and give the house a good cleaning before you leave.

You have to back off if you want to have a good relationship with them and your DGD.

(Sarky remarks about déjà vu etc are not helpful, tho. Clearly Eastgran has not experienced this situation before.)

Luckygirl Tue 07-Jul-15 19:56:04

It might be worth your while to trawl this site a bit and see what the responses have been from posters when similar problems have been aired.
The clear advice from all the replies has always been to back off. Hard but necessary. You do not know what is best for your GC - but the parents do.

RedheadedMommy Tue 07-Jul-15 21:09:25

This can't be real.

Deedaa Tue 07-Jul-15 21:14:33

I would just add that your DS's loyalty is now due to his wife and the mother of his child. Cooking your choice of food for them and cleaning the house for them is just saying "You are rubbish at being parents" it's not going to improve your relationship.

Judthepud2 Tue 07-Jul-15 23:04:37

It is so hard to step back Eastgran especially when this is your first grandchild. Many of us have been there but have learnt from painful experience that our children want to learn to parent their own children in their own way. It is difficult to step back sometimes but unless the family is in crisis, you need to wait until asked before helping with childcare and housework.

Luckygirl has made a useful suggestion. There are a lot of stories similar to yours posted on GN forum. Have a look and see. There are some really sad stories of GPs who have lost contact with their DCS due to difficult relationships with the parents. You sound like you care very much about your little DGD. So for her sake and yours try not to take over, but be a support when needed.

Nelliemoser Wed 08-Jul-15 19:56:40

Deja vue were my thoughts just reading the OP, but I can't do accents on Deja on this laptop.

Ana Wed 08-Jul-15 20:16:07

If you have an Alt Gr key Nellie, just press that and the 'e' key and you'll get é.

FarNorth Wed 08-Jul-15 20:36:21

Alternatively, if you haven't anything useful to say to the OP, you could just withdraw quietly.

Ana Wed 08-Jul-15 20:39:12


Ariadne Wed 08-Jul-15 20:46:06

It is important for the OP to know that, if we think she is mistaken, we all know we have made mistakes from time to time with our DC and DGC too, and, we hope, have learned from them. First time round is a steep learning curve, no doubt about that!

eastgran do take heed of the advice here, and step back. All may be well if you try to do that.

Stansgran Thu 09-Jul-15 08:07:37

I'm with red headedmom.

petallus Thu 09-Jul-15 08:32:56

Well said * Ariadne*

fluttERBY123 Thu 09-Jul-15 16:20:23

So what do you do Eastgran? I expect all the above has come as a bit of a shock. Suggestions - get drunk, go for a long walk?

Another thing which occurs is to print this all off, show it to the couple and say "Do you think the people on GN are right, am I really this bad?"

Any discussions that came out of that could be painful but also useful to both sides.

You are still in contact, which is huge. Your son sticking up for the right person and not afraid to, plus point.

I made huge mistakes with 1st DIL, telling her where to live, what houses were any good or not. Later realised she is not a new daughter for me but just someone else who had married my son and my function as mother now redundant. You become backup, to be called on when needed and you get birthday cards if you're lucky! (maybe I'm exaggerating a bit there, maybe not...)

HildaW Thu 09-Jul-15 17:12:09

Most telling line in the OP....'just want to see my GD and make sure she is alright' might as well just scream...'I do not trust you to look after your child'.

Back off dear eastgran before its too late. Grandparents have no rights just a few privileges if they are very lucky. Its a precious relationship that has to be negotiated and worked at. Just demanding access and insisting the poor child stays with you is way off the mark.

Us Grandmas have learned we just take oh so gratefully what we are offered with a gracious smile and we basically keep very very quiet.

In years to come our GC will learn to appreciate that we are perfect non-judgemental grown-ups that they can use as useful sounding boards. We get to have the fun of trips and treats and then we hand them back...but its a long game and we have to play on the PARENTS terms.

Alea Thu 09-Jul-15 17:30:43

I am wondering if this is rooted in a cultural tradition where the "senior" mother is the matriarch or linchpin of the family? It can be hard not to be the most important member of the family and you need to not only let your DGD go but also your DS and DIL. They are adults now, they have their own home and their own life as a family. You have not been shunted off into the sidings but the dynamic in the family has changed and it no longer revolves around you.
It sounds as if you never had much time for your DIL, reading between the lines I was upset DS was so stupid as to get her pregnant. You go on to say he did the right thing and stayed with her but don't sound very pleased about it.
They may be young parents but they are not children and quite rightly resist your attempt to be a surrogate parent! Why should they have you over all the time? Why are you assuming you will be needed for childcare? Have they actually asked you?
There are so many things wrong here, it is hard to see where you are coming from, which is why I wonder if we are looking at a culturally different attitude. Whatever the reason you need to take a hard look at what you are claiming and take on board that they are a family unit of their own. If you want to be welcome at all there is a lot of re education to undertake. But if you go believing you have rights of the sort you mention, then I fear you will lose them altogether.

Alea Fri 10-Jul-15 09:40:34

I hope our plain speaking has not frightened eastgran off, it was not meant destructively but rather to avoid the sad type of situation in "Estranged families" type threads.

Maggiemaybe Fri 10-Jul-15 09:48:28

I hope so too. She is obviously very concerned about her DGC's welfare. Perhaps, just perhaps, her concerns are justified. Let's hope not.