Help- my MIL doesn't trust me

Rest assured that there isn't a woman alive who would have satisfied her. Her wanting "one last holiday" speaks volumes! You serem to be doing everything right, just be ready to stand your ground over the baby.

Agree with the comments about it being her problem. I am always surprised to hear how parents make negative comments to their son/daughter about their partners! Different if the partner is breaking the law/ being abusive etc but just because she wants you to do things 'her way' is truly out of order and none of her bloomin' business! Keep smiling!!

When she is being difficult just think that the majority of women would love you as a DIL and it is her loss!
She has a problem. It is not your problem so don't let her put it onto you.

Your OP talks about your MIL not trusting you. You do not need to have her trust you - that is her choice and you cannot change it. Stop trying!!!

I wish you were my Dil frazzleddil you sound really lovely. I am in the exactly opposite situation in that my Dil basically doesn't like me.

I've tried everything and sometimes it's OK but mostly it's hard work.

Your mil should be so grateful and happy that you are such a kind person. If you were my Dil I would think I was a very lucky woman.

Don't let her upset you now you are expecting a baby. You sound like the adult in this relationship and I think it's time your Mil grew up.

frazzleddil - you've received some really good advice from a lot of MIL's who have experienced for themselves a variety of MIL's themselves. The overwhelming advice is to not rise to any jibe, not to take any of her remarks personally,she is not a happy woman (and probably never has been) it is not for you to make her a better person or a happier one - only she can do that. Wow - your OH is supporting you lucky you. You have a new baby on the way - look ahead, don't worry about her she will find a way to be a friend if you stop trying to be one. Good luck and enjoy your family.... You are not needy, the only thing you need is your OH's love and support - you have it!!

Thanks Nfk. Frazzleddil can't win with arguments so it needs a change of tactic away from confrontational. Language is very powerful which is why a little word like 'maybe' is useful. It doesn't pin you down to anything but MIL can't argue against it because you haven't disagreed. If she tries to argue you can just look surprised say ' this suits us at the moment but maybe in the future..........' Tone is also useful and as long as you keep to neutral 'really' could mean anything at all. You can smile and nod without having to do any of it, or meaning that you agree.
My MIL was very sweet but her ideas didn't always fit mine. There was no need to say so and in the end she made it a virtue as in 'Leticia knows her own mind' all because of smile, nod and ignore!

Useful article S2B

Good advise Leticia

I have 3 sons and normally I stand up for MILs who can get a rough deal.
However, you have an over controlling mother who has never let go.
The good news is that your DH backs you up.
There is no need to argue once the baby arrives. It is your baby and she can't take over. Agree the boundaries with DH first. After that 'smile, nod, ignore' and do your own thing. 'Really' in a neutral tone is a useful word. You can try 'it suits us at the moment' because it leaves it open ended. Instead of arguing say 'maybe, at a later date- but this suits us at the moment'- even if you know that you will never do it at a later date!

Well - you may be lucky and she will improve after the babe arrives - but don't hold your breath!

It sounds as though your OH is onside with you - and believe me, that is a huge bonus!

I can't imagine that you will ever be able to please her; so just be polite, set boundaries that you and OH both agree about and get on and live your own lives.

Whatever you do she is likely to blame you or think badly of you - so why try to change things? There really is no point. You have to simply not mind that she thinks badly of you - what does it matter? She is going to think what she thinks whatever you do.

Maybe you and OH need to think through how you want to handle things when baby arrives. How often would you feel happy with her visiting? Are you prepared for her to come and stay? - if not, then say so. If you are both clear and united you can find a way to get on with your lives.

You have nothing and no-one to "measure up to" - you simply have to be yourself and not mind if she decides to hate you - what does it matter? I am sure there are many people who love you dearly, and you cannot take responsibility for what others think.

Do NOT let this spoil things for you and your wonderful expected arrival - this time is just too precious to be wasted on flogging a dead horse.

I always wonder with these types of people generally, what their relationship was like with their own mil.
If they apply the same rules to themselves, then they took a son too.

Thank you for so many replies! Its really helped me.

I suppose I wasn't ready to reside myself to the fact that I might have a 'MIL from hell'

I definitely get the feeling that she sees me as the person who 'stole' her son, there have been quite a few examples but one of the most prominent was just before we both left our parents houses to move into our own place. She got upset because she wanted 'one last family holiday with the boys' to New York. Dh laughed and said he's 24 and wouldn't have gone anyway, she got upset and blamed me- even though it was her son who said it to her! That grated on me alot, I know I must seem like I forgive alot but some things she has done have deeply hurt me.

I just hoped we could maybe draw a line in the sand, and she would stop all this manipulation and mistrust, since we are having a baby.

I really don't want the snide remarks about me to extend past when the baby arrives, at the moment I just know she is going to try and take over, then when dh gets annoyed and they argue- ill be the poisonous DIL... Its the same every time.

Also, I don't know if I will have the patience for it when our child comes into the equation, ive handled pregnancy really well and feel very self sufficient, if she starts with her usual 'concern' over the way I'm going things, it may cause an argument between us.

I agree you should stop trying to please her. You have done all you can. I met my DH when I was 18 and we married when I was 20. I was very shy and awkward due to a dreadful upbringing. She saw this shyness as 'not trying'. She didn't come to our wedding and, because he didn't want to suffer the consequences, neither did my father-in-law, who was a lovely man. She also told DH's whole family how dreadful I was and no one else came either. I felt sorry for my DH but he stood up for me. Sad situation. DH had split up with a girlfriend of 3 years before he met me (she went off with someone else). MIL never tired of telling me that this girl was 'lovely and friendly and became part of the family'.

You say that you dont feel that she trusts you.

It isnt that at all. There probably isnt any person on earth that she would want married to her son.

You have taken her son though. That is what happens when people get married or move in together.
And she must have taken her husband away from his parents too.

harrigran - I got round the problem by calling my mum Granny C, and my mil Granny D. It saved the mum/first name part.

You sound such a caring person wanting things between you and you MIL to run smoothly does she have a good relationship with her other sons partner/girlfriend or is she the the same with them ?
You should be enjoying this time before your precious bundle arrives so I'd make some ground rules now with your DH regarding your MIL if she carries on as she is now you may have problems when the little one is born,I think a chat between you your DH and MIL to put things in order should be done well before the baby arrives and make her aware of your expectations as to her involvement.

I have had 30+years of the MIL from hell and she still going strong at 95 and if anything more miserable and nasty. Best advice be the bigger person, ignore the nastiness, don't get drawn into slanging matches and keep your distance. If she says anything nasty to your face just walk away . Nasty things behind your back ( to your OH) just ignore- he's on your side . If anything I feel sorry for her now, her health is poor and she is lonely, but much of this she has brought on herself.

It is her problem not yours. Smile, nod, ignore and don't get drawn into arguments. Say mildly, 'I'm sorry that you feel that way' and change the subject.

frazzle You say that from the word go you "really liked" your mother-in law and yet you felt she really disliked you. Usually when you like someone a lot, the other person feels the same - similarly if you find you absolutely don't like someone, you can be pretty sure they absolutely don't like you either.

I can understand you wanting a more amenable relationship with your mother-in-law but if she is as horribly unpleasant as you describe, you seem remarkably accommodating.

You are either a saint or you're having us on.

Oh dear - I wore black at my DS and DDiL's wedding! I fell in love with a particular outfit - but I did take future DiL to see it and get her approval and she is lovely and perfect for my DS.

Hopefully your MiL will change as happened with glass, but if not I would suggest you should think about moving? Just too far enough away to discourage her from dropping in too often!

(Btw - doesn't she realise that nowadays babies spend the first six months sleeping in their cot net to their parents? It's the law!)

frazzle this could be my MIL...she wore black to the wedding too!

We had years of her trying to turn her son against me, I cant begin to tell you what went on, but it only started once we became engaged, it went on until my first baby was born.
I didn't want the bitterness to tarnish my new borns life... when he was born she turned into a lovely MIL and Grandma, but I was the one who had to forget what had passed between us and I think she regretted the horrid things she had said and done over the years and I can honestly say that when she passed away I felt a huge loss for the friend she became, this all happened about 45 yrs ago so a long time for the bad feelings to mellow.

Its hard at the time but don't let yourself be dragged into the bitterness and hopefully you will be surprised in the change from the bitter woman she is and I hope you to can forge the relationship with her that I had with my MIL. But at the end of the day she is the one who will miss out on the joy of your baby.

FrazzledDIL - just stop trying! You do not have to prove anything to her. You do not require her approval.

Just have confidence in yourself and get on and enjoy this lovely phase of your life.

Lots of luck with the new baby - enjoy!

Stop trying with MIL!!!!

I called my ex in-laws... Mr ? and Mrs ?

OP - be yourself, as nice and as kind as you are.

Interesting article soontobe, especially the bit about not calling in-laws mum and dad. My DIL calls me by my given name but she also refers to her own mother the same way. I use to call DH's parents mam and dad as a mark of respect because MIL used to be a great help to me.

You sound like a lovely DIL, especially as you care enough to seek advice on here.

I can only echo what others have said. Treat her politely and stand by your own opinions. Her behaviour at your wedding was crass, especially after the effort you made to include her.

Try not to make it a battle. Maybe seeing her dear GC will change her attitude. I hope so!

Best wishes for a happy mumdom!

x